Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

30 June 2008

Euro 2008 Over ... June 30, 2008

Aside from the fact that EURO'08 is over and Spain is celebrating the end of an international drought of 44 years ... we've also come to the half way mark of the 2008.

Quite significant if you ask me. Look at what all has happened in the first 6 months of this year.

The most significant being Election'08 results ... what an interesting display of united 'RAKYAT SUDAH MUAK' but also interestingly is how all that angst against a Government has now enfolded more interesting sub-drama plots.

Anwar as usual had to have a major chunk of it all. So there he is again with another aide blowing the whistle on him and his err how shall I say this ... deviant preferences? This being the most recent like fresh off the presses. He's soooooooo freaking important, that he fears for his life and thus is holed up in the Turkish Embassy - ok!

Then more sub-plot drama from the Lingam saga, the Altantuya Saga with more garam masala and spice thrown in The Bold and The Beautiful pales in comparison to never ending, jaw breaking yawning type mini series!

Tun M is now the most hated (wait he's been on that list for a long time). I on the other hand even in admitting that yeah Tun M was quite the politician and hard fisted no nonsense 'dictator' for the lack of a better word ... he was and still remains undeniably the sharpest mind this country will ever see in terms of vision and leadership.

There were worms but most of the time the worms were still in their cans. But WHOA! what have we here now ... worms everywhere damnit! Jijik betul!

If Tse Tse Bitten Beauty was supposedly the one to set things right - well lookie here ... isn't it all so fine and dandy now. All roses man! All roses. Yes I heard ya - give the man a chance he's got 22 years of undoing to repair - but how is it in 1 term of Office, we are like Ye God! WTF is happening here.

And this is just 2008 at the half way mark. I shudder to think what 2008 at the end point is going to be reflecting. I am very afraid. We got 'framed' buggering enthusiasts promising heaven and earth if we trust his leadership. We have No 1, No 2, No 2.5 (the one who really wears the pants) , we've our now Tamil Terrorists equivalents , we have our Keris waving supremacists (thankfully better sense prevailed the last time round), we have Ministers with so much under the carpet we're tripping over the mounds.

Careful more bodies might surface at the rate we're going. We have lost children never to be found. Murdering someone is a pass time it seems and life is only about RM500 to snuff out - or so the whispers in the grapevines say. You don't like his face - murder is always an option.

Unfathomable increase in crime rates. Unacceptable rise to basic necessities, burdening people more and more. Rapes, suicides, robberies ... is this the Malaysia 2020 we're working towards?

I am up in arms in despair for my country. Over the weekend every chat pal I spoke with made some reference to the prevailing insanity of this country. Trust me the news out there is anything but favourable to us. I know the generation of my parents and even to an extent my peers - we've worked hard, sacrificed a lot to bring this country to some level of global presence.

And now, we're all undone. All they know about us is we have an Opposition Leader who is accused of buggery, we have one Indian hiding in the UK whilst the rest are warming up Hotel Kamunting seen as terrorists, we have some Chinese ex-minister shamed into leaving politics because he answered a basic instinct in a hotel room with someone other than his wife ... and we're the first people to send a pretty boy into space and demand he be called an astronaut ...

Scary times indeed, very scary.

But what else is there to do for the you and me? Not much else really. Dig in our heels and try to keep abreast with all the Dog Wagging that's going on - I am sure there must be a light at the end of this tunnel. When, I don't know ... together then we wait.

~.ani says here's to 2H'08 - may we keep our sanity and jobs intact!~

29 June 2008

Oh Oh .. Again? June 29, 2008

God, why does this sound like a every decade revisit?

And personally, if my gut feeling is right, I think this is an AI orchestrated sympathy seeking move. He is no new horn in politics. And he knows all too well that, using sodomy a second time against him is just going to send his sympathy scale through the sky.

But really AI, stop buggering people first (figuratively or otherwise) and then let's see how far we get with these melodramas.

And why are you hiding in the Turkish embassy? Don't these middle eastern fellow have a well know affinity to buggering? I mean really, while everyone outside goes into overdrive yet again trying to prove you're all into natural copulation, you'll be having a serving or two of turkish delight me thinks ...

This is another bloody comic pandemonium to distract people from the real issues effecting the you and me on the streets of Malaysia. Who the fook gives a damn if Mr. BA PM candidate bloody enjoys the fine art of buggering ... I DON'T - if that's his sexual perversion let him enjoy it.

I only give a fook that my life is totally devoid of any form of quality, thanks to all the idiotic financial burdens on the Rakyat. Maybe if Mr. BA PM candidate becomes premier of this country, sodomy laws will be amended to allow such to be free practice. And Malaysia be the first safe heaven for practitioners.

In the mean time, I am sure we will be filled with 'He's innocent', 'He is being politically assassinated' blah blah blah ... another politically exciting week ahead I see ...

~.ani really dislikes AI... can you tell?~

Learning the Magalena June 29, 2008

This has to be one of the catchiest tune around ... I think it's about Samba :) and I like dancing ... no doubts here ... would love to start some classes ... be a super way to sweat and have fun (seeing as the best all over workout has not featured in my existence for the longest time ever *ehehhe*)

Not exactly the version I've had my legs in a knot over ... but practise makes perfect :)

I guess I better get cracking and find me some classes or something ... am bored stiff outta my brains and work is making me less and less creative as a person ... *SIGH* - not good, not good at all ...

Any takers to join me?

Unholy Trinity June 29, 2008

I was doing a blog hop a few days back, and I saw on one of the blogs I visit a link to another blog "The Memoirs of the Unholy Trinity" - this triggered something in my head. I remembered reading a book called Unholy Trinity by one Alan John written in 1989.

The ISBN Number for this book is ISBN 9971-65-205-6 and I did a google search for the book ... other than being listed in Crime/Police/Security I could find no online synopsis to share with you ...

Alan John who wrote this was born in 1953 and educated in St. John's Instituition and the University of Malaya, Kuala Lumpur. His first job was a reporter for Malaysia's New Straits Times. He moved to Singapore in 1980 to join The Straits Times and was a local new copy editor when the Tao Payoh child killings occurred. Unholy Trinity was his first book.

I have the book. A little worn with time. I think I picked it up at some sale for less than RM2 - and it lay on my bookshelf for some time before I ventured to read it. I won't say that its written in any riveting form that would keep the reader glued to it. However it's factual and to the point.

I have googled to see if any other books were written by Alan John, so far no luck.

What is the Unholy Trinity about? Have you ever heard of the Adrian Lim Murders in the 1980s that shocked and rocked our neighbour across the border? It's also called the Tao Payoh Killings. The link above is a good summary of the chronology of events.

To plagiarize Alan John's cover synopsis :

"The Straits Times, November 26th 1988 : And the Unholy Trinity was no more ...

It all began with the discovery of the bodies of two children in early 1981. A trail of bloodstains led to the flat of Adrian Lim, and thus began the most bizarre murder trial ever held in Singapore with revelations of spirit worship, unnatural sex, and murder

The killings provided a larger-than-life graphic warning to those who are too ready to seek supernatural shortchuts to deal with unhappiness. This book provides an extraordinary view of Singapore in the 1980s - modern, dynamic and spanking new on the outside, but, just below the shiny surface, also a home to charlatans like Lim, who could profit from the folly of those willing to place their lives and spiritual well-being in his hands."

Those who don't fancy graphical blood and gore type details should probably skip reading. Adrian Lim was one sick bastard! and those who went to him for his so called 'powers' - well I guess you can pretty much sum up they were really sorry sods as well.

They made a movie on this apparently in Singapore. Any Singaporeans aware of this? Which apparently didn't win the reviewers. I was too young back then to have gone for a PG rated movie on my own. So I wonder if it's to be found anywhere. If the movie is as slow moving as the book - I can imagine why the ho hum type reviews.

And the killings of the children, it makes me fooking pissed off angry. Kinda reminded me of our own infamous Mona Fandey and did you know a 2007 movie was made based on her life? It's called Dukun. Amir Muhammad also made a short film in 2002 called Mona for his 6horts series.

Anyways ... this was just triggered because of a blog title ... although most certainly the contents of the blog have nothing to do with Adrian Lim or his strange acts. While Googling around, I was suddenly reminded of Bentong Kali and Botak Chin (another movie in production) ... I have some thoughts on these two as well (not likely what the 'protectors' of our innocence would like to hear no doubt) ... both shot to smithereens during our infamously attention seeking IGP in the days of yore Zaman Khan - who can forget that pose upon the rubble of the Highland Towers tragedy.

~.ani over did the net surfing you probably think?~

She's 50% Malaysian ... June 28, 2008

I Fell In Love with the DJ by Che'Nelle surprised we ain't shouting it out too much - hot chick :)) and nice moves eheheh.

Enjoy the song ... I know it gets me dancing every time I hear it ... Get up and shake that bootie baby ... :))

DJ yang Ku Puja - the Malay version :)) - you can see how hard we've tried to save the diminishing morals of the Malaysian youth by only having stills and no dance sequence ... ahahah Good Grief!

~.ani shakes bootie eheheheh~

27 June 2008

Deflated ... June 27, 2008

I was in quite a cheery mood this evening. I have no clue why.

Maybe because it's Friday
Maybe it was that lunch chat with Colleen
Maybe because I've written quite a bit this week
Maybe because the sunset was beautiful and breathtaking
Maybe something inside me just wanted to be happy.

I left office about 19:15 got unto the NKVE about 15 minutes later and unto the ELITE some 10 minutes after ... then it was smooth sailing.

I had Mix.fm on, Sham was on air. I knew Roshan was still doing the 8pm slot, so I figured I'd try ringing in and saying hello.

Passing all the Subang turn off on the ELITE, Charles and me were cruising a steady 140/hr ... like I give a fook about a summons ... I got a few I need to settle, but it's Friday and instead of chilling in some watering hole or partying am like usual heading home. So Charles and I are homeward bound fluctuating between 100 to 160 depending on what's happening ahead of us on the ELITE.

Pass KLIA exit ... YAY ... I smell home. I'm out of the call drop zones, I try mix.fm ... no answer ... nevermind ... Celine Dion comes on air with that catchy number ..I'm Alive ... and I'm singing my guts out, and bobbing about behind the wheel to the beat. It's all so weird, I feel tingly all over, almost expectant. Hmmmm ...

Accelerate am almost turning down Nilai Utara - aaa just on Tuesday I made a 991 call to report a fire on the slopes at about kilometer 45 of the ELITE. I suppose BOMBA found the fire - my mobile is not barred *grin* that's quite a burnt patch there ...

Down past SKF, I dial mix.fm again, I get Roshan on the line - Yo Dude how's it going kinda chat. And Roshan says you're sound really hyped up and I laugh my usual belly laugh ... I am starkly aware that I am extremely buoyant in my mood, and I have no apparent reason for it.

I hang up and with some zig zag through snail paced cars, I am through the TouchnGo lane at the Seremban exit. I need to go to Lobak side to the North Post Office to drop some letters off. And that's when I look into my rear view mirror and I see him. He looks the same. Driving a different car now. He's seen me first, how can he not recognise Charles. We spent so much time in Charles together.

Instinctively my hand reaches out to the passenger seat where he used to be. He was looking right into my car. He must have realised I'd seen him too, because he started fiddling with his handphone. Lights change and the traffic moves again. He's overtaken me now and we don't look at each other, although I know I want to because I know I want to speak to him.

I don't think he wants to talk to me nor even acknowledge me. Irony, where I am heading to is where he lives. We drive me behind him, me beside him. I know I have to fight myself from turning to look at him when he's on my right at the junction. I know if I did, I'd ask him to stop just a few minutes, I need to tell him somethings. It's all about telling the people you love(d) before it's too late.

He makes a sudden right turn into some shops where back when we were together, there was cafe we'd sit sharing one order of food and drink as late night supper. We looked so perfect together. We looked so in love. I drive straight on. I am not sure if he turned to avoid me? Or he turned expecting me to follow.

Another lost moment another lost chance for me to tell him things for one last time. He's driving a spiffy looking yellow Gen2 with a Negeri number plate - it's seared unto my mind. From what I saw of him, he looks exactly the same, and almost immediately, I knew just exactly how he'd smell, that warm smell of his skin mixed with his cologne. I missed it just as starkly as I was so buoyant just moments ago.

Just a few posts back, I mentioned telling people we care or who mean something to us, all that our hearts hold within with the excuses we make that let tomorrow come. Mentally I kick myself for having lost yet another chance to have spoken my heart to him.

Another irony of the moment was that the song that was playing on THR.fm's Hindi Power had Sukhvinder Singh singing 'do you know what you mean to me' and I'd been humming along when I caught sight of him.

I kill myself working and thinking and writing about so many things because I want to forget him. Forget the one I was so sure was the one to heal my hurting heart after Jacob left. I have written about Jaan many many times in the past. Written about the pain this end of the relationship brought me. I am not sure if he felt the same pain. He was loving in his good moments, and struck fear in me when his anger and violence caused me so much pain.

Why do I still then miss someone like this? I have only one explanation and it might sound stupid to those of you who are reading this. But when he was loving, when he was happy, he showed me a love that was so unfathomable to me. I had never felt this cherished or special in all my years with Jacob. I loved this chap with a love I can never ever feel again.

And it 's because of this realisation, that I am afraid to find myself in any relationship. He will always be the unseen ghost constantly reminding me that once I loved so deep, that even the father of my children was never loved by me so much.

No man's touch in any form will ever be able to erase the way his touch is branded upon my skin. It was a tumultous and painful relationship towards the end. And I have never felt so much fear and dread of one person especially the one person whose name beat so strong inside my heart. The one person, I wanted so much to spend the rest of my life with. Basking in his love for me and I loving him in return. He was the one I knew that even if there was scarce money between us, we'd still find a reason to be happy.

But this where I learnt, that often what we want most is what life refuses to give us. Life instead threw endless arguements, endless displays of violence, and finally in the end, Life forced me to make a choice. And I chose to stay alive, but forever I'd ripped my heart out.

We have not seen each other since but often unconsciously, I still catch myself saying "Jaan, what do you want to do next?" or something to that effect and then I stop myself as the pain comes rushing back, the tears flow freely. And I know, I still hurt inside. It's still a long long time before Jaan, cannot cause my heart so much pain.

Seeing him this evening was unexpected. And although we did not speak, I know he is in appearance well. For that I am happy. I figure, he's long forgotten what he meant to me, and I have come to accept that I never meant very much to him in the end.

This is the one equation I have concluded for Jacob and for Jaan, both for a short time wanted me in their lives, and to both I never really meant anything. I was the fool to have assumed I meant as much to them, as they meant to me. Hence my complete fear of ever letting another man near my heart. Of letting another man ever make me think I mean anything more than just a passing fancy like the port ships dock at during a voyage.

Perhaps in time too, I may over come this fear. Perhaps is always a nice word to use. It doesn't mean jack shit actually in the end, perhaps is worse than a game of chance or variables because perhaps can also remain a never be ...

The high that I was on is lost now. I realise that there's a sorrow again. And how does .ani overcome sorrow? .ani writes it out. My hearts on my sleeve, shoot me. Like I care.

Jaan, perhaps we will one day speak face to face ... Perhaps ya ... perhaps.

~.ani decides that instead of feeling melancholic, .ani will surf the net for obscure thoughts to write about - better than feeling pain when I should by now have overcome this grappling within ... let go .ani, let go~

Chest Out ... June 27, 2008

Another poem I just scribbled. When it strikes me, I let it take its course. There's no point fighting the obvious is there?

Words are bubbling in my brain, more than just the rants and raves I tend to jot here ... but attempts at attaining creative genius - or so I hope.

Today's offering is Chest Out. I hope you like it.

Answer to Failed Suicide? June 27, 2008

11 Killed as man 'attempts suicide' - a tragedy that took place 3 years ago in Los Angeles.

Juan Manuel Alvarez tried to commit suicide by parking his car on the railway tracks in LA one morning 3 years ago. When he changed his mind at the last minutes, his car would not start.

The end result of this botched suicide was 11 deaths and 180 injuries to passengers on board the train the fateful morning - January 26, 2005.

In the 2 month long trial that has kicked off he has been charged with 11 counts of murder which the sentence is death. Prosecution says he did it to get attention, defense says suicide was the intention, but he changed his mind.

How ironic.

So now if the verdict is guilty and the death sentence is meted out, what began as suicide attempt with a last minute change of heart, will conclude with the law deciding that his life should come to an abrupt end.

He had to wait 3 years to come to this.

Of course this being the USofA, I am sure that there will be 2 groups of protesters - wanna bet?

Group 1 will be protesting to save this man's life because he was not able to discern the impact of his action as a result of whatever motivating factor at the time - although his moment of indecision resulted in 11 others who most likely were planning their day out, thinking of home in the evening, the future abruptly ended even before they could say goodbye to all who mattered to them.

Group 2 will be protesting the loss of innocent lives and that indeed Alvarez should be given the death sentence.

Some years later - someone will make this a Hollywood movie and then Alvarez or his Estate (depending on the outcome of the verdict) may or may not sue for inappropriate depiction of the man. This is afterall USofA ... thankfully it is not Malaysia, with C4 so easily available, cloak and dagger politics and tse-tse bitten premier leading the nation! PHEW!

These 11 never knew what hit them or why their number was called up that faithful day when likely their idea of such a moment may have lay some 2-3 decades down the rode.

On the other hand, we have Juan, who intentionally drove unto the tracks, turned off his engine and waited for the end. God only knows what apparently made him 'change' his mind. Did he really change his mind? Did he really try to move his vehicle, but it refused to respond to his attempts to do so?

Was his number not yet due to be called up, that despite a train ramming into his vehicle, 3 years later he is alive only to now have his life in balance according to the decision of a jury. Of course they could find him not guilty of murder, maybe unintentional manslaughter (is there such a thing?)

I mean the fact that he was parked on the tracks tells you that somewhere in that brain of his he must have concluded that aside from his own orchestrated demise, he would be at the very least taking the unsuspecting train driver along with him. Did he not extrapolate to see the quantum of his act? His wasn't the only life to be lost if he had succeeded.

Seeing that he survived, and 11 others died. Another 180 were injured. I wonder if he feels any remorse, guilt anger at himself? Does he wait eagerly for a death sentence? Or is he repentant that so many others live with a pain caused by his self centred act?

I cannot judge him really. But I found this whole piece sorta ironic. He wanted to die, ended up taking the lives of others and himself escaped death and now other will decide if he lives or dies.

Then I got to thinking what if the 11 who lost their lives were themselves thinking of ending it due to whatever socia-political-economical-demographical reasons. Then perhaps, Alvarez here merely was element to trigger their 'Apocalypse' so to speak.

Anyways, I heard it on the news this morning, and I thought what a strange world. What makes us think we are the decision makers whether we die or live? There's always some unforeseen unpredictable force or element out there that decides.

I just pray each day, that in some crazy twist of fate, I don't end up on the side of the dead just yet. I have still much to accomplish and complete before I am ready for my number to be called up. But then again, the unpredictability of one's mortality is a constant reminder that we must have no debts or outstanding unfinished business at the end of each day ... because we are not sure if tomorrow we are here to continue what we started.

Times are a bit crazy now, I pray you find the inner strength to ride out the hard times and swim clear to enjoy many happy productive years with those you love.

~.ani hope you keep safe always - happy weekend all~

26 June 2008

I Wrote Poetry Today? June 26, 2008

One Night - haven't written anything vaguely poetic in months ... this is my first since the sabbatical I took ;)

I hope you like it ...

~.ani tries to be poetic~

Like WOW! June 26, 2008

I have to tell you, for what's been a shitty week, I just had a reason to smile. I've got my blog featured on Voize.my.

Man I think this is the highlight ahahah to my so called writing skills. To have something I wrote featured some place else. I know how it got there so I say thank you to my guardian angel and someone who's got in themselves to encourage my fledging scribbles.

Dreams happen, the only thing is to keep at it.

heeheheh - this is about the biggest smile I've had plastered on my face in a long long time :))

~.ani - Will I be famous?~

We All Want Something Better ... June 26, 2008

OK .. this is the latest on the Credit Card Standoff at petrol stations nationwide. Penang stations have started accepting cards again. I am not sure about Seremban yet - will know tonight ... it's another fill up time for me ...
YA! every 2 days I dish out RM100 .. OUCH!

Anyhows, what I heard on the radio this morning is that the government has agreed to increase the commission of Petrol Dealers from I think it was 7.5 sen per liter to 12.19 sen per liter and also an increase from 4.5 sen per liter of Diesel to 7 sen ...

So petrol dealers are happier. Also petrol station business hours are 6am to midnight unless they have applied for 24hours licenses ... hmmm am trying to think if this affects me in anyway.

Also apparently there's negotiations to reduce/remove the 1% charge that petrol dealers pay credit card companies for per transaction.

Waaaa it would seem that everyone seems to be getting what they want or a percentage of what they want except you and me ... what can we do about this??

Well it's super to see in such trying times, that 3 more ATM machines were robbed of RM600k last night. Ingenious buggers who did the robbery especially the CCTV being painted black ... my question here is wasn't the CCTV monitored? Who the hell is in charge of the monitoring of these CCTVs??

I mean good grief, am sure the bank invests a substantial sum for someone to keep an eye on their ATM machines seeing as you and me could be walking in to withdraw the remaining few ringgits to make till the end of the month and to be welcomed by very eager robbers - eeks! thankfully no one was injured.

How can they get away with 3 ATM machine worth of moolah and no one realise the CCTV was capturing black? What was the reaction or response? Or are we saying we have these fancy CCTVs and we come back later to review the recordings?? ALAMAK!!

The other highlight of the morning was reading the NST front page ... Najib looks terribly uncomfortable now and imagine Rosmah in her full glory giving her police statement? ahahha this is the woman who has no qualms to scream at the Sultan of Selangor (going by RPK's piece on this matter), I am sure the Bukit Aman chaps are being given a taste of local Diva totally bursting out of her imported expensive shoes as she primes herself to be the next PM's wife ... or are those aspirations also fast disappearing seeing as Anwar plans to be PM by September this year.

The lure of power and money is an amazing catalyst to loss of rationale thinking person's ability to see logic. Chuang Toh Huat paid with his life for his addiction to the game of chance. RM90k in losses over 22 men running after a ball somewhere in Europe - how ridiculous is this? But sad fact this sort of high and addiction is going to be on the rise with all this tightening of belts that the government keeps telling us we ought to work on.

Some people are not able to do that. They need lots of money to justify their being and existence, and so we take ridiculous chances. Imagine losing RM90k in one night? I've heard of worse losses also, let me not even start on this.

This like the long queues you see outside the Magnum, Sports Toto and 4D outlets just before a draw - so barriers transcended as hopeful aspiring millionaires line up to buy their carefully put together numbers. I never buy anything unless forced by my dad or brother to go be a part of that line of hopefuls on their behalf. I'd rather keep my money intact that pay these lottery agents to play with my emotions and my cash.

Yet another body dispute. I wonder if all these converts could please put their statutory declarations in place once they make the decision to convert, and more importantly once they have renounced their conversion to also please please make sure you leave your last practised faith clearly marked out some where.

Or else whilst your slowly decomposing mortal remains lay in some coldbox, the pain from your passing will turn to ire and frustration as people continue to tussle over your cadaver! Save those who survive you the added aggravation of dealing with the authorities who for some reason feel that fighting over your now lifeless body is somehow paving their stairway to heaven. There must be roll call book somewhere meticulously kept up todate with how many dead persons they have claimed in the name of religious supremacy.

But in all this drama and tragedy, there was some happy news in the papers today for one Wendy from AirAsia. So we all live in hope things will get better. Our bank accounts will flourish (so long as the ATM robbers don't get to it first)

Is Friday in sight yet??

~.ani get cracking on the day's work now~

25 June 2008

Mulling Over Something ... June 25, 2008

Women Are A Special Species - with a title like that you'd most certainly stop to read, well at least I did.

Well you see the owner of this piece is a guy :) and a Kopite at that (eeks!) so I figured let's see what he has to say. I mean not that I expected a ballad on the virtues of women. Anyways having read the piece and laughed at the comedy of the sister and brother, the serious anal bit of me kicked in.

No offense to Life's Like That ya ... this is typical .ani on some tangent train of thought.

I noted that the time of this discourse was 11am in the morning. It was bright, it was a public busy place. So I didn't get too riled up *eheheh* and I do tend to get riled up these days.

Now you if you'd done what I'd naturally do is to go read the piece, you'd be thinking what could possible be a reason for .ani to go all preachy - ahahha ok ok LLT is off the hook - he was reporting the incident.

What .ani has done is changed certain facts around and wondered in that instance would brother have upped himself and headed out to where sister was.

What I am trying to say is what if it was 11pm and not 11am. The whole scene changes now don't it. Be it Bangsar, or Hartamas or Chow Kit - the circumstances are now a whole different ball game.

This is the sister (presumably on her own) , it's 11pm, there's a flat tyre to be reckoned with. If you have any beans between them ears, you'd have guessed where I am heading to. We don't exactly live in Utopia here where everything is safe and perfect.

Given that in Kelantan this was the highlight of the day ... No Ban On Lipstick and High Heels which is great news I suppose ... I mean which girl doesn't like her lippy and heels?? But do take a moment to read para 5. In the morning when I was driving and listening to the news snippets on Mix.fm - the context of the report said that the ban on these 2 items was to prevent rape.

I guffawed so hard I swear I nearly peed on my pants (oops too much info!) ... I was like excuse me Mr. Religious Zealot - WTF are you trying to say here?

It gets my goat (eh wait a sec I don't own a goat!) every time I see this equation Rape=Woman's Fault - who died and made this the only reason rape statistics are on the rise in this country.

Did any of you read The Star over the weekend? Remand Prisons Allege Sexual Abuse By Cops - mind you these are the same people we are supposed to head to in the event of a rape. I'd not be surprised if the victim if still alive (some rapists are so conscientious they don't want their victim to suffer a lifetime of horror they just kill her - end of misery and therapy bills) ends up having to give these sick bastards a demonstration of how she was raped. I think we've all heard stories!

But seriously ... I keep wondering what is happening to the world today. The other day I had a friend of mine who is an Indian national with his UK HSMP currently stationed in Saudi Arabia ask me what the hell is wrong with us - he was refering to the the plea by the defence counsel of a father charged with raping his own daughter. The leniency plea was for the fact that every time he raped his own daughter he used a condom.

OH FER FOOK SAKES!!!!!! Does that change the fact you fooking bloody raped her over a period of time??? I forget what the bloody judgement was in the end but I think some snide remark was passed by the presiding judge - well thank heavens that much happened.

I really worry every single time I read one of this self righteous pricks and amazingly enough prick-ettes who come up with their illogical reasons for the increasing rape. Why always pick on the woman??

What was the last brouhaha? School girls' uniforms entice men to rape them. That got me super pissed off. If the damn prick can't keep his testosterone in check and his lust in check ... any fooking thing that looks like it's endowed with a vagina is so going to get raped!

Can we please in future wrap all female animals? Imagine the sanctity of this country held in check because not only are the women and female children hidden under layers of cloth and dying in the sweltering humidity, but all cows, nanny goats, bitches, ducks ... you get the picture - wrap them all up ... let no form of vagina be seen by any man for his lust might overcome him and he may then turn to raping animals instead because all the girls are so covered up.

GOD! If my information serves me correctly, there are also high rape cases anywhere and everywhere ... be you stark naked or hidden under some burkha cursing the day you were born a woman.

Another pet peeve of mine is the still practised female circumcision ... ok am no religious know-it-all, but I think we can all surmise here that the whole barbaric act is nothing to do with religion anymore, it's all about presenting a female that 'satisfies' the male's lust.

Anyways, I digress. My tangent type thinking does this a lot. The point I was asking was if had it been 11pm, would there have been a different conversation between siblings.

I don't know, wasn't there and not privy to their lives, but I sure hope it went along the vein that brother dear played knight in shining armour to sister who had the good sense to stay safe until brother arrived. I'd hate to have to read another tragedy in the papers.

A little inconvenience does go a long way in keeping those we love safe and alive.

~.ani is off for the evening~

Another Whack To The Average Joe .. June 25, 2008

In the The Star on the 24th, I read that credit cards would no longer be accepted at petrol stations ... I wondered when it would kick in. With an empty tank I drove into my petrol station and sat stumped for a bit ... they weren't accepting credit cards anymore ...

It's the end of the month and salary for me goes in at the very last possible hour of the last day of the month ... you can imagine how dried out my wallet and bank account is already. I wanted to cry yet again as I the average wage earner saw my purse shrinking even more.

Thankfully I had the RM100 I needed to fill up my tank for the next 2 days ... and the the next tank fill am going to have to start pulling the remnant ringgits out from stashed corners to make a half tank at least. *SIGH*

Read these links
  1. Credit Card Refusal Draws Ire
  2. Drivers Fume
  3. No Closing Up In Protest says Petrol Dealers
  4. Petrol Kiosks May Stop Credit Card Payments - 24th June
YAY!!! this is the kind of news I like to wake up to ... and it just so kicks off my mood to a happy start.

And you wonder why I have practically all the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome symptoms ... I am beyond fatigue at this stage. I am ready to lay down and die in some quiet corner. Soldiering on as I have the last 6 years has taken it's toll on me. But these are trials beyond my control, beyond my means to overcome.

How much more will it take before something is done by the government to help it's people survive. I am a single mother and I get no support or benefits or subsidies of any kind ( perhaps I need to be a of a specific race to qualify - am not sure anymore!) My purse is not increasing, only decreasing.

I've no more lifestyle to change ... it changed 6 years back and its kept tightening and tightening my belt as my girls grow and need more moolah for their few lessons I can send them for, to give them a rounded exposure to find their talents as well.

Anyhows, is there any point in me writing this?? NO ONE IS LISTENING TO US ... Makkal Sakthi whacked the government in March ... they woke up ever so slightly and now are whacking us back in EVERY fooking imaginable way!

GOD! give me the strength and calmness to make it yet through another Malaysia Boleh type day ...

~.ani is now officially self diagnosed with CFS - can it get any worse~

23 June 2008

Is Life So Unvalued? June 23, 2008

Seriously though I have to ask this question only because in my driving 200km a day (damnit where is my honorary SHELL free fuel card????) , I see a scant regard for life.

The worst of the lot being these 2 wheelers. Weaving in and out of traffic with a devil may care attitude. Life is too short to be encumbered by logic and rational behaviour. I am trying so hard to coin an apt sounding acronym that does not include any obscenities when thinking of my Motorcyclists Road Safety Campaign.

For starters it surely be an extremely long acronym to accommodate all the bile and irritation I feel towards these imbeciles that taunt my very nature of cautious driver (I might be a speed fiend, but I am conscientious too ok!!)

Firstly can someone please please please summon and take away repeat offenders license to ride this 2 wheeled menace if they are found to NOT HAVE their helmets snapped on safe and securely to those empty watermelon heads of theirs.

Really what do they have in there ??? Mush for brains?? Too much cow cud or what??? I mean what is the point of having a helmet on your head that has the safety straps flapping in the wind as you Rossi like speed by weaving in and out???

Have to not realised that not being securely fastened to your head means the moment you're off that stupid bike, your helmet has also long since left your head wide open to unimaginable injuries?? You die once you skull cracks on impact.

And trust me I really don't want to have the tyres of my Charles pick up pieces of your obviously undeveloped brains that will likely be splattered all across the highway. It's an awful job cleaning up bits of you off the road. And to think that in the next few days as I hurtle by I notice birds picking at something fleshy, it could be the remnant of what little grey matter that was encased in your now non-existent head.

FOR GOD'S SAKE! Snap, click, zap that helmet on damnit. I really don't want pieces of you (wait is this some song??) travelling with me ... eeewwee!!!!

I am so looking forward to the next festive season onslaught on the highways and byways ... because I can only imagine that right before the price hike in fuel, there had been a reduction in price of lower CC cars which saw a ballooning of little 4 wheeled menaces as well in the form of Kancils, Kelisas, Savvys and MyVis .. ahaaa since what I call 'BUB' is only coming into force next January, I can place my bets on that I see an interesting fatality rate.

And what will be more interesting is when interviewed, the grieving survivors (if any) will all in solemn voice say it was all fated.

  • Fated to have your head smashed like an over-ripe watermelon to smithereens??
  • Fated to have your entire family wiped out because you tried to fit 20 people into what fits comfortably 4?
  • Fated because you for some unexplainable reason figured somehow it doesn't happen to you and then it did??
  • Fated because that seemed like the most likely excuse, just lay the blame all on God - after all fate is His department not yours.
Yeah well let me tell you all these tragedies has nothing to do with FATE. It has to do with your individual total disregard for the life you have.

This afternoon, my colleagues and me headed out to IKEA for lunch (I'd rather have sulked and felt sorry for my ass that got kicked as usual by the bossman *sigh* another day another rant) at the behest of my chinaman friend Darren. When we got there and found ourselves a parking, there was this lady with a monster Nissan model (one of those MPV type things - huge as hell) and she had her toddler standing in behind the driver's seat unrestrained.

You might have paid close to RM150k for that monster, but when you brake in an emergency, that baby of yours is STILL going to fly through the windscreen to her wasted death. Where is your brain woman??? Or is your child's life of no value or consequence to you? I so wanted to get down and slap her a few times. The only problem was Darren was still parking and hence I had to instead spew my tirade at her vehicles disappearing behind - DAMNIT!

Why am I all so hyped up and angry?? I think APATHY is the national pass time in Malaysia. It must be the only syllabus we teach in school seeing as trained teachers don't know a male duck is called a drake, the plural of mouse is NOT mouses (another go figure type situation).

People just don't seem to realise that when they were born, God included this amazing organ called the brain. It actually works you know and it's really quite astounding what happens when the brain really kicks into gear. But nope. That's not to be. All through the education system, brainless herd mentality is encouraged. No individuals here please - there is no time or space to encourage and develop you and it be awfully embarrassing if the educator was being educated by the educatee - you get what I mean??

Anyways ... it's one of those days where I wonder why I do what I do and also where I am heading to. All too taxing and then when I see such scant regard for something as precious as life, it makes me blow my top. Not that it's any good for my obviously increasing blood pressure, but it's life you imbeciles - you have but one shot at making your mark ... make it with a sense of pride and achievement. Not shortlived by absolute stupidity on your part.

You might be a huge fan of the Immortals .. but I hate to break it to you ... this is the one shot you get, because all said and done, you're like me merely a mortal.

~.ani is in a ranty type mood~

20 June 2008

Do You BUB??? June 20, 2008

There's been some amount of attention paid to this although we being Malaysian, something as obviously important as this is ignored, and we're happier living in fairytale Malaysia Boleh land ... sheez!

BUB? I know you're wondering what the fook is that? Don't you know we're also the land of neverending acronyms???

However before you start searching the Malaysian news to find out what BUB is let me tell you what it is ... it's my own little campaign in response to the Malaysian Road Transport Departments Rear Seatbelts campaing ... my little unknown campaign with only 2 unpaid voluntary campaigners i.e. Ashna and Kasha is called Do you BUB (Buckle Up Behind) eheheheh

Had you there for a bit eh? If I had dosh to spend, I'd be making little car stickers and handing them out at to everyone I see. If I had the authority, I'd have issued at least 5 summons to moronic parents with infants and children at risk in the car today... hence this blog piece.

I wonder if I can convince anyone to help me design some funky dory car stickers and badges and posters ... and my target would be the kids themselves - because children learn fast, their parents are typical old dogs who should be put down painfully because they endanger the lives of their kids!!

This morning on the way to work, on the ELITE highway between USJ and Seafield turn off, I was hurtling along after my Putrajaya stop over, when there was this black Sorento I think (it was one of those big monsters) and I saw him speeding up to me big time. Now I was not able to move to the left nor speed up out of his way as there were vehicles to the left and ahead of me ... so I started easing off the pedal and braking lightly to warn him to slow down.

That's when I noted in my rear mirror that man had a baby of about maybe 7 mths (when is it babies start to be able to stand???) standing in the middle between the passenger and drivers seat - my guess is propped in the middle by this brainless moron.

And since the child is moving hence distracting, even though he must have been doing at least 130km/hour (taking that I was doing about that speed), his eyes are not on the road, not on the vehicles in the front of him or side of him or behind him. His eyes are on the child thats moving around him. Like WTF happened to his brains???

Suddenly he looks up and he's about some 12" from me and he swerves to the left, getting the driver on the left to emergency brake and swerve further left ... lucky no other vehicle was there to crash into ... I so wanted to get out of my car and slap that moron blue black! Was he trying to kill the child you think???? Accidental death out of negligence???

After that moron, I was moving along and just before the Bukit Jelutong turn off there was this lady all with huge Paloma type sunnies looking into her sunshade mirror checking her make up out (again behind me - I'd rather they be behind me than in front of me!) and she's got a toddler standing in the front passenger seat drinking and dancing it seemed. One emergency brake and out the windscreen goes toddler ...

Several MPV/SUV type vehicles had kids bouncing along the back seat and standing in the middle between the 2 front seats. I mean these vehicles all come with rear seat belts - buckle up behind idiots!!!!

Of course this is a severe dent to the average majority of Malaysia's populations family planning - they are meant to have 5 kids (all will be taken care of by the whatever plan and policy in place for their benefit) ... most cars come if fitted with only 3 rear seat belts - this will mean either buying larger MPV type vehicles which are often 2.0 above hence no RM625 petrol rebate or turning to public transport when moving their exceptionally large families of one man 4 wives and 30 children at least!

Hence perhaps in this advocacy period they have decided to knock off as many of their excessive passengers as possible and maybe arrive at the number their kancil/kelisa can accommodate safely. I dunno. I have seen 5 adults and 6 children fall out of a Kancil once ... and no wonder during certain festive seasons, the death tolls are incredulous after one small bang involving a Kancil or 2 at least 14 people dead, 14 others in critical condition and maybe 5 more escaped unhurt - like HELLOOOOOO?????

So BUB it is for me now. Anyone and everyone who gets into my car has to BUB or else walk! I have to remember to BUB myself seeing as usually I am the driver not the rear seat passenger!! (** remembers going out to lunch Wed with Darren and Bala and not BUBing ... oops!!**)

Ashna and Kasha although used to be such whiners before this whenever I tried to BUB them, since I showed them the news in the papers and told them 'mommy would have to pay money (which I don't have) to the Police because they don't BUB" - for kids they are sharp. Instead of giving up on KFC and McD treats and movies, they decided BUBing was the better option.

And they have taken to nagging their friends in school about being BUBers too :))

So next time you get into the car ... tell your back seat passengers to BUB or walk :))

Here's to lesser deaths especially of children because they are safely Buckled Up Behind!

Be a BUB advocate ... the summons are starting Jan 1, 2009 .... we don't need to wait till then to do something so simple and live saving.

So my question to you is - Do you BUB?

~safer on the road .ani~

17 June 2008

WTF Is Happening To Malaysia ... June 17, 2008

Beaten While Looking For Help What in heavens name is becoming of Malaysians. I am losing faith in my homeland.

To the screw ups who run this country ... you are turning us into a Ghetto-land damn it!!!! People are hungry, people are angry, people are turning this place into a fooking nightmare where you stand in good stead to fear everything and everyone ...

And all we'll be bothered about is if Anwar is going to get his old position back or will he replace the Sleeper and in the mean time let Malaysia become a like those gangland ghetto lands ... where is the decency in people or the empathy or the kindness ...

Keep saying we tolerate and this is what the fooking shit you get ... people aren't bothered to tolerate jackshit anymore ... they want they get it however they can manage to ...

This article is just one of the many that assault you daily if you buy the newspapers .... or why not check this out ... it's an even stupider display of the powers that be ... MAS Terminates Travel Privileges for AirAsia CEO

I mean really what the hell is this about??? I thought we had big boys running the airline but apparently not ... petty juveniles at the helm. *sigh*

Another Malaysia Boleh day in the making ... now all I need is Pak Lah to forget he promised no petrol hikes till next year and fooking raise it tonight to bleeding RM4/liter ... then I am likely to also lose any sense of empathy and kindness and tolerance I have for any moron that comes in my way ...

Maybe what the fooked up powers that be should start is refurbishing and building more and more detention centers/ jails ... after all the only thing going up is our crime rate ... even the average joe/jane is going to be forced to crime to put food on the table ... Call me .aniHood damnit, I was have a good heart too ... what's a little wealth off those fattened pigs for the general masses?

~.ani is bloody pissed off - can you tell????~

Kiss And Make Up June 17, 2008

That was this morning's He Said, She Said on Mix.fm the station or rather the only radio station I have set for nationwide in my car eheheheh - I know I am pathetic!

Anyways, Pietro and Serena C were asking callers to call in and "Kiss and Make Up" ... well I rang.

I guess you can imagine if you know me who I might have in mind when such a topic comes up. Well perhaps you might have guessed it right or maybe not ... let me tell you what I said ...

"I am sorry that it took you 8 years and 2 kids later to discover we were the biggest mistake of your life. I am also sorry that after 6 years since you walked out on us, and due to your irresponsible nature, I am still married to you whilst you are happy with your new family.

I don't want to kiss you nor do I want to make up, all I want is that this breakup be nicely wrapped up... I have no problems saying who you are but you already know who you are. So let's just end this nicely that's all I ask - Thank You."

Now the interesting thing would be if Jacob actually heard this on air today. I do know for a fact the millions of Radio listeners heard me. Do I care that I have put my 'pain' out in the open??

Hell no! Why should I care what people think? This is my life and I want a closure. If a million people heard me and if there is even one person who might know Jacob and who might be able to knock some sense into his thick arrogant skull that there has to be a closure on this matter, I hope that person does it for me.

6 years is a long time to wait wait wait ... and to keep hearing from people all the things Jacob is up to. Even the addition to his and his oriental sidekick's twosome came to me many months back from different people and I have kept my peace. It's what he wants with his life. However not closing this chapter off is unfair to not only me, but also to my girls and to an extent I think to his new addition ... does he want his sidekick to forever be the mistress?? Legally she cannot be his wife, I am the wife on paper.

Grow up moron! I have long since given up my claim on you as a person or my husband. Legalities are the only thorn in my flesh now. So let's please conclude this soon. You have your life, I have mine ... but do things right for once. Saves a lot of hassles and bitterness in the future.

I have also slowly gotten to the point where Kiss and Make Up with Jaan is not something that will happen either. For all the pain I experienced in that relationship, I also tasted some fleeting moments of love and care. Life is never what we wish for ... Jaan too is in the past now. He chose to make it so and I respect his decision too ... Only I remain sorry that he pushed me to take such actions, when all I really wanted was to get us to work out long term.

I read on some guy's page "Are there any REAL women left in the world" and my question back here is are there any REAL men left as well ... it would seem that pretense is what fuels us on in this dog eat dog world we live in.

People get into relationships to leverage on what the other person can give them. When use worthiness is over, relationships are over ... I have learnt this the hard way.

Someone else said I am looking for a God man, my criteria for consideration is too high ... why should I lower it? And end up again with some self centered immature brat? I have seen the type of man I would like to share my life with ... only problem is he is already taken.

So I know he exists ... this man is not a figment of my imagination. I just haven't chanced upon the one for me. Am till then cruising along doing my fine balancing act of work, playing mommy and playing daughter, being friend and confidant to friends who need a listening ear. Writing my thoughts as and when I want to.

The one thing people often forget is the fragility of life. If you have hurt someone, say you're sorry when you get the chance. It takes a bigger person to say it and to acknowledge there was a screw up on your part too.

It's taken me some time, but I am willing to say I am sorry for what I might have done that contributed to the end of my marriage ... I think marrying in your 20s is really not the way to go. Do it only in your 30's - you have matured a bit more and things are clearer more rational.

At 37, I view the world a lot differently than when i was 27. 6 of the 10 years of marriage has been spent on my own raising my girls with my family's support. I think back of conversations and arguements and I think how stupid these were - where was the bigger picture? Ego and immaturity played a huge part in most of those fall outs.

I listen to friends tell me their problems now and I think God been there done that. I make small observations and suggestions. If it works for them - great, their marriage is kept intact till the next meltdown ...

Come on people, we have to realise that when you decide to spend ever after with each other, that's a lifetime commitment ... not till the next hot stud or hoochie mama walks by. People need to grow up first before embarking on relationships - that will give it an edge to succeed - or so I think.

If you just had a spat with someone who means something to you, take a moment to say I'm sorry ... can we try to talk about this again? Take a step back, come back to it with an open mind. And just because you say sorry doesn't mean that the other person is going to accept it and everything is back to status quo.

Circumstances change and people change. Do what is right, keep your conscience clean, and if you can look at your self and can live with the reflection looking back at you ... I guess that's what makes you - YOU! ..

Till then ... the only make up I want is this breakup closed off properly by Jacob ... there's won't be no kissing that's for sure! That's all long over and done with ....

~moving along ....~

10 June 2008

Passing Out... June 10, 2008

It's been a week of death or rather news of deaths of people I know.

First was the passing of VP Thomas uncle who happens to be the father of my parish priest. He'd suffered a heart attack a week back in Singapore and when I visited him Saturday with mom, it was so sad to see him in so much pain. He passed away on Sunday morning.

Sunday evening, I got a text message informing another senior citizen has passed away. I had no personal interactions with this uncle but I knew one of his sons - used to be a huge hottie back in the 80s ... And although I did not know the family well, I felt saddened on their loss.

Last night as I was preparing to sleep off a huge migraine probably induced by the ever increasing stress of finances and work, I got a call from another long time friend Aby. And he informed me that 'Daddy' or rather my brother's Godfather has passed away 5pm IST. I was again numbed.

I loved his hairy beary big man. Images of him in his typical estate manager's garb of knee length shorts, and shirt and white socks and sturdy shoes and his big smile. His hearty laugh. I remembered all the homes I spent my school holidays in with him and his wife my Godmother, and their children whom I considered cousins for the longest time ever even though PK Varghese Baby uncle was related to my dad through marriage. His wife and my dad's brother's wife are sisters.

I looked forward to the school vacations which coincided with Shaji, Sheela and Sherry's school breaks and we'd all chill together. And I have to say, it must have been all that time we spent together, that soon I found myself with a 10 year old crush on Sherry (Malayalees always have weird names Sherry is a guy). Can you imagine a crush that starts quite innocently from around 9ish, and lasts till ... oh who am I kidding, I still have a soft spot for Sherry till this day. He'll always be my most favourite guy in the whole wide world, just because there was once a time he did tell me he liked me too. That was a long time ago.

Today he is a proud father of 2 beautiful daughters and with a lovely wife, Shaji is a father to 1 girl and a set of twin boys, and Sheela a mom to 3 grown boys ... how time flies.

The last time I saw Daddy, was in 95 he was still hale and hearty and it was like before when he was working here in Malaysia. Daddy returned to Kerala in 89 after retiring. Since then his health has been in the decline over the years. I think Alzheimer's was kicking in bad.

It's when they are no longer that memories come rushing back and I feel my eyes cloud up remembering a carefree childhood that is now a distant memory.

More and more I realise how fragile and uncertain our tomorrows are. All the uncles who have passed on this week are all above their 70s. And I hope that they have all lived meaningful enriching happy lives. I am 37 and I cannot say I have lived a meaningful enriching life thus far and it remains a hope of mine that in those last moments of my life, I will leave smiling knowing I have accomplished to the best of abilities all that I set out to.

I intend to speak with Sherry later today on the funeral arrangements. I wish I could at the drop of a hat pick up a ticket and fly out to send Daddy to his final resting place, but alas this is not so and I can only offer my condolences and prayers for the family as they come to terms with their loss.

Take a moment my friends to look around you, at your loved ones and at those you call friend. May you never find regret in your final moments that you did not say all you had to say to those who mean the world to you. Life is fragile and snuffable at a snap of fingers.

Here today, gone tomorrow. Live your life touching the lives of those around you positively and leave only happy memories to warm their hearts when thoughts of you come to mind.

God bless the souls of the departed uncles three. God bless the lives of those who are left behind in mourning ... may they always be safe and protected in your loving arms ...

Keep safe always ...

9 June 2008

Narnia, It's Magic June 09, 2008

Yesterday being the last of the school break, decided that since I've not done anything nice with the girls due to work and purse constraints, I said ok let's go watch Po in Kung Fu Panda.

The original plan was to do this on Saturday, but seeing as I returned for visiting the late VP Thomas uncle and I had my back totally stuck - this was not going to happen. So groaning in pain I turned in early Saturday night promising the kids we'd go Sunday.

The pain didn't actually disappear in fact it throbbed worse in my lower back but a promise is a promise. So we all took out showers and got ready and off we went to try and catch Kung Fu Panda. The girls were super excited.

We got to Jusco and dropped Ping off to run get tickets while I looked for parking. We got parking but no KFP tickets not even for any of the later shows. Disappointment was on their little faces. So quick thinking - hey there's Narnia Prince Caspian - should be fun we get to see Aslan and Peter and Susan and Edmund and Lucy and with any luck I might get to drool over Mr. Tumnus again (sorry he was not in this movie - damn it!!)

Firstly Tumnus if you remember is the chap with the umbrella and the goat lower body ... aaaa I did so love his little horns and curls ... *slap slap* .ani what is with you and hairy men *ehehhe* - long and short - there was no Tumnus to get me all oogly eyed! ... and some how the centaurs this time just didn't kick it like the centaurs from the last movie.

Anyhows, Ashna and Kasha enjoyed the movie thoroughly seeing as they'd just watched the first movie on Disney the night before. I have to say I enjoyed the movie too. Perhaps its my over active imagination which relates to the existence of mythical half man half animal creatures, dwarfs and the like but as the ending scene came in when the Telmarians and the Narnians we within the same space, it made my hurt leap with joy - if only the world were this simple, and differences were celebrated instead of being feared and in feared destroyed.

Watching the mighty Aslan, I wished with all my heart, I would be so blessed to have his powers and also his knowledge of all things in its time and place. To have Lucy's trust and unconditional faith in Aslan.

It helps all of us to have a little magic in this mundane existence. Unless you're in the ultra elite rich strata of society to have anything and everything at your beck and call, magic is all we have to take us away from our realities.

It is often said that the Indian movies even as ridiculous as the plot might seem to the rational mind draws in droves of people all finding a little unattainable magic in that 3 hours of song dance fight and love captured on the silver screen.

I think that's really what is missing in our lives today. Simple we all lack magic in our beings. So wrapped up in facts and figures and theories to disprove anything science cannot explain. We have lost that element of untarnished hope and dreams.

Today we're all about making money, pushing the dollar just that extra mile till the next cheque comes in. We hardly notice the wonders of the world we live in.

Yesterday after the movie the kids, Ping and I were in McD's having a quick lunch before Ashna's haircut before school, and I was looking at my 2 girls, all excited with their happy meal toy - something from KFP obviously! and munching on their fries and nuggets. And I felt a burst of pride and joy in my heart and I said to Ping, I have to be perasan here but I have 2 beautiful daughters, I am so proud God blessed me with them.

Truth be told, they are beautiful children. Brats no doubt but beautiful. And I must be blessed to have had God pick me to be their mommy. Ain't doing a great job at it but still, my BratAngels love me unconditionally. Realising that was magic to my soul. It put a smile on my face for the rest of the evening even when I got irritated that my streamyx modem was kaput and I couldn't get online. I said to myself, I have beautiful babies.

This morning driving to work, Ping and me saw the most beautiful rainbow in the sky ... it's hard to describe and I had not camera to capture another brilliant display of God's presence in this world. To me it was magic yet again in the simplest of forms.

The sky was blue, then there was some rain and now there's an orange hue as dusk descends. And these tiny details reassure me that if I open my eyes and my mind, there's magic all around, I don't need to be in Narnia, I just to be here and be me.

The petrol hike, the cost of living hike, the lack thereof of funds to assist in cushioning these hikes are like the White Witch and the Telmarines. They are the challenges that we the mortal men and women have to face. And like the Narnians we need to raise above our fear of being wiped out to once again live with hope and positive aspirations.

Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed that people might think me weird. I often feel in tune with the vibes of the universe and small things renew my faith that as much as we suffer we shall rejoice. I have so many down days, that it cannot seem at all that I have any hope of good things happening.

But we must not lose hope ... we must not lose sight of our dreams ... this is the magic within ourselves to carry us through the darkest of days along with prayer and faith. And I remind myself often enough that I am not alone in this journey, so many before me, so many will come after me ... this path is well trodden, and those who dream will see magic in their life times ...

Yes .... Narnia is a wonderful expression of Magic ... and I am a believer of Magic from within.

Happy week all ..

4 June 2008

Fooked AGAIN Dammit!!! Jun 4, 2008

YES !!!! Petrol price leap frogged from RM1.92 to RM2.70 - a 78 sen increase and the PM says that we're still the cheapest in the region. And then there's always that wonderful reality that come Aug/Sept this year, the government is bloody damn well going to fook the rakyat again and raise petrol to RM3.60 per liter ....

This is apparently the so called new fuel subsidy to help already super financially burdened rakyat - well this is my fooking response to it @#%!@!@@&#*(%*&%@$!#~#~$!%!$

I mean the whole price hike this, price hike that, price hike my wobbly behind damnit ... the only thing I have NOT seen hiked is my bloody salary!!! At least not anything decent enough to even mention here and not to mention short of grabbing a bicycle and cycling to and fro 200km for work, I'm dead meat as far as my finances go.

Food prices are up. Our basic rice is double what it cost a few months ago. Public transport companies want to raise ticket prices 100%, every damn thing is going up and how is the average Joe on the streets supposed to manage?

It's not a wonder than that crime rates are going up. It's a sociological reality, when man is hungry, he will do anything to put the fire in his belly out. So what if it is at the expense of some innocents life, so what if the woman he mugged is a single mother with five mouths to feed and he's left her brain dead ...

This is what happens when education is limited, people have no opportunities to rise above their squalor.

I have long believed I'd rather be super rich or dirt poor - this middle class living is killing me. On my meagre so called professional take home pay 50% monthly goes on my car Hire Purchase, my toll and my petrol and my ever increasing car maintenance bills.

With the remaining 50%, I have to put food on the table for my kids, pay my bills and credit cards. I have been reduced to living on credit because I just don't have enough liquid cash monthly to raise two kids and also fend for myself.

I need a car. I drive 200kms a day, this price hike means an additional RM300 a month on fuel alone. Am waiting for the bloody blood sucking Toll Concessionaires to raise their rates as well - which will effectively mean 60% of my take home is just on getting to work. Is there a reason to go to work anymore????

Ironic is it not???? Sometimes I get so fooking depressed, I wonder if ending my life in an accidental manner might at least give my kids some of my EPF and Insurance money for their future - but dammit, no fooking bastard father, they cannot NOT have a fooking mother as well - so I scrap the fooking idea!

I have tried so hard to get a better paying job. Its not funny this job market we have. Lesser experienced then myself drawing anything between 2 to 3k more than me monthly. It makes me wonder too about loyalty and dedication to seeing ones project through no matter how shitty it gets - it doesn't really pay in the end does it?

I'm at a cross roads. My desire to stay and finish what I have started, but I am suffering. I have even stopped eating lunch or going out at all. And I have cut back on treats for the kids and am fraught with guilt of what kind of mother am I - not even able to give a simple McD or KFC treat to my children without first counting the pennies in my wallet and the days till the next pay day, how much petrol and toll and I going to need cash for.

This is not the life I want to live. This is not the life I want my kids to live. And when I got married, I thought I had it all planned out how my children would not have to hear the 'mommy has no money now' tagline. It kills me.

And it sometimes drives me insane that I know someone who has no such stress because that someone draws 5x what I earn in a month. And instead of my girls having more opportunities in their lives, its been given to some others who came along when times were good - life is a tragic comedy I have to insist.

This evening, when the price hike news reached me, I nearly burst into tears at my desk in the office. In fact my eyes all welled up and my face went red from holding the tears back. I felt such a pain in my heart and such a fear and dread at how am I going to manage to keep putting food on the table and providing for my kids. I felt like an abject failure in every essence of the word. Does not help when the big boss of your company just recently called you a failure. And that is ringing in my ears, and now more financial stress to cope with.

It was still raining when I walked to my car so heart heavy. I sat and I cried cried cried my eyes out because I was at a wits end. Ani how are you going to keep this together at this rate. Jacob is living his life of luxury and if he is suffering at all it's because he is always about showing off rather than living with some sense. He doesn't care what happens to the girls. I HAVE no choice but to keep at this till I drop dead trying. I have to for Ashna and Kasha's sakes. I will not shortchange their dreams.

I cried so long and so hard. And I was talking to God. I begged Him, please God show me a way to make things better financially for the 3 of us and also for my parents whom I live with. Times are getting harder. I could always turn to the world's oldest profession (seeing as man never stops that no matter what happens) but seeing as I look like the behind of a camel's backside - I ain't going to earn much from that venture. Ha ha I say this in jest - me the prude working the oldest profession - you have to be kidding right??

Multi level Marketing - I am allergic to. Pipelines and whatever make me sick to the core. It might be about building a business and a future but it's not me to live off the efforts of others. I am probably one of those slaves who work till the day we drop dead because we have pride in our work and remain constantly pushing to give more of ourselves. The flaw with this plan is if who we work for do not see our efforts or loyalty or dedication then yet once again we are fooked!

I am sitting here tapping away at the PC and I have sent an email out which I hope will bring me some positive news to my predicament. I might mean I may have to burn bridges that currently sustain my existence, but sometimes we have to start thinking about ourselves before others. Take instead of giving. And as a mother, I have my children first to think of before anyone else.

Having to give up more things comes easily to me, if it means I can scrimp and scrounge more pennies for their futures. If I have to disengage myself from Malaysian soil and move to be one of the workers just to make sure there is always rice on our table, then that is the sacrifice I will have to make.

My only hope is that in having to separate myself from my girls, they realise it is only because mommy wants to ensure there is a future for them that is better than what mommy has. And I will die trying. But I like to believe God had a plan for me. All my efforts are not wasted. Someone somewhere is going to see the potential in me and show me how to nurture it to fruitful gains.

In the mean time, I dig in my heels deeper and think harder, what more can I give up to save some money ... what more will make a difference in my ever shrinking purse. I have had to long ago accept the bitter fact that Jacob is a useless bastard. If he were half a man and had half his balls in his control, he might be half decent towards supporting his daughters financially. But he is neither half decent, nor is he even a man with balls. So it's useless expectantly waiting for any sense to fall upon his head.

Ashna and Kasha poor things are stuck with a mommy who no matter what just cannot seem to catch the big fish type job. Every interview is ended with 'congratulations, welcome on board we will draw up the papers and get in touch with you' and then suddenly the roaring hot flames become fading ambers and someone else gets the job. I wish I could sue each one of those companies who took me on a emotional ride only to dump me without so much as a proper 'we're sorry' - I'd be fooking financially done for the rest of my life. Thankfully I never take their word and tender my resignation, I wait for the black and white binding document before any such madness.

I have a job, doesn't pay me well but well there's still a tiny purse to navigate with. I am sure there is something better out there for me. And it's going to come.

In the mean time, the government of Malaysia is slowly but surely killing the middle class (wo)man with rising costs and no mandate to the private sector to give employees a raise - apparently the PM didn't want to make it mandatory because he didn't want the private sector to see him as a dictator - can I please be allowed to laugh here - for once could he NOT have had some balls!!

And so we can expect more rising prices, more inflation, more lay off, more suffering and tightening of belts and more crime where brutality disbursed is never an option not explored. A hungry man is an angry man. An angry man has no time for rationalising what he should and should not do. All he is focused on is feeding that gnawing fire in his belly.

Where are we heading to? And how long before the tides change for the average Joe on the streets of Malaysia? I know I am for one suffering in my middle class quicksand. Neither here not there and yet stretched to the maximum of my sanity in trying to just make my Ringgit stretch longer and longer and longer ... I think Malaysian currency should elastic ... it's currently not stretching very far in these hard times.

Buckle Up and get ready for the ride, it's going to be like white water rafting with no clarity of what is beyond each bend and fall ... Good Luck Malaysians .. we're rooting for each other to survive this trial.

Wish me luck, that I remain strong in these trying times if not for myself then for the sakes of Ashna and Kasha .... my futures.

God Bless ...