Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

26 May 2009

Do Re Mi .. May 26, 2009

If this does not put a smile on your face I have no idea what might .... Enjoy the presentation .... and for those who can't see it here click this link Do Re Mi

21 May 2009

Just All Tuckered Out!!! ... May 21, 2009

When I saw this picture - it immediately felt like the reflection of how I am feeling at the moment about my life and me.

It seems the endless trips to the doctor for medication to fight off the flu, the cough, the sore throat and the endless tiring days of being where I really no longer wish to be has finally taken it's toll.

Can you imagine me all bloody tuckered out. Sometimes I feel like my heart is just going to stop beating and I am going to die quite suddenly in mid-step of doing something.

7 years of dragging divorce. All the work stress. The 300,000 km I have driven. The countless people issues. The endless reanalysing of who I am and what am I doing that's wrong and causing the wrongs in my life. I am tired out from trying to freaking get this art of living right.

Lately with the freaking endless mind games at the office. You're in you're out oh for fook sakes bloody decide what you all want. I've grown sick from caring what people have plotted for me. And amazingly every day when it's time to get to office, I am ill. But I drag myself there because, I have bills to pay, food to put on the table.

Had I not had responsibilities, perhaps it might be easier to say Fuck Off and just go live like a hermit some place away from all this venom spewing bile creating people. What I'd give to be this toad in his little green lily pad in some pond. Although the camera that caught this really caught an interesting expression of the frog. I wonder was he hurt? Did he fall short of a perfect landing? What is the story behind this moment.

It's almost the weekend. Having said that weekends are just as tiring with endless things to do. Got to admit, single parenting is no walk in the park. Sometimes, I wish I had someone here to help me out a bit. So that I might catch my breath again. This hyperdrive .ani is burning out. I can hear my body telling me that, but someone stole the brakes. There's only DRIVE in this car ... and so it keeps driving I suppose until everything falls apart.

Perhaps the only consolation is that when everything just falls apart, I might still be alive to perhaps take that quick gasp of air before I am expected to jump right back into the driver's seat and start driving all over again.

I am crawling into the weekend almost literally if not figuratively. To close my eyes, and hear nothing for a few short moments none of those unspoken expectations of everyone around me to be superhuman, to do it right, to give in to their needs, to completely stop living for me and just be some form that makes their expectations realities.

I wonder if me taking a pass and heading off the beaten track might give me back some of the spirit I seem to be losing under layers of worry.

I do look like this frog right about now ... clutching my heart about to collapse ... anyone got any ideas how to feel alive again??? I miss the old me so much ... where'd I go?

19 May 2009

Is The War Really Over ... May 19, 2009

News of the LTTE waged war come to a crashing end and news about the death of Vellupillai Prabakaran it's leader trickles out.

Some say he managed to escape. Others say he is dead. The fighting has come to an end. Others around wait till the Sri Lankan Army releases images of the dead LTTE leader.

North Indian friends say good riddance, for they still harbour anger for what has been notoriously linked with the LTTE - the suicide bomber that killed Rajiv Gandhi.

Just over the weekend, my father spent two and half hours listening to Prabakaran's brother in a broadcast of a gathering covered in Tamilnad - are there sympathisers to the cause still in Tamilnad - afterall the speaker openly claimed that firepower was provided and shipped from this south indian state to the predominantly Tamil north Sri Lanka.

I know scores of separate Tamil state supporters and until very recent weeks I was still receiving sms-es asking to support to cause. I am half Ceylonese. I do not deny my part heritage, in fact my mother's father's family has a very interesting history ... but that is a past now lost, no more royal days, we are but common people now.

My sister put it quite succinctly yesterday when she said for 30years and thousands dead, not an inch of Tamil state was achieved. One then begins to wonder, where did it all go wrong.

The Sinhala majority in Sri Lanka, quite like our NEP sheltered Malays have since the independence from the British taken an upper hand in things. I found it most interesting when in 1995 I spent 6 weeks in Sri Lanka, some weeks amongst the displaced Tamils in Colombo in their cramped slums where clean water and proper sewerage was impossible to see. Where children also had no access to education except for what was provided within the commpound walls.

I also met displaced Indian Tamils, who were once also landowners but who because of the fighting now found themselves in equally sad state of affairs. To Sri Lanka, they were Indians, to India they were Sri Lankans - and their lot after losing land and home and a sense of belonging, a tiny tin shed in a slum to call home.

My maternal ancestors are proud Sri Lankan Tamils. They once owned large spreads of land rich and flourishing. My mom's last visit in 2004, to Jaffna and other pockets where our family were from, saw abandoned land pock marked with the scars of endless battles.

One grand aunt's shelled house structure clings on in pieces to her sister's house that miraculously was spared a direct hit because one son volunteered for the LTTE - no one has heard from him since in over 25 years I think. All other able bodied educated younger relatives have long since moved abroad and settle globally giving their children and grandchildren a shot at living a peaceful life.

Some of the older generation stayed on, hoping someday this war would end, someday peace would once again descend in the north and once again the lands would be rich in harvest bounty. I know most of my grand aunts and uncles have died waiting for that day to come. And I think many other friends have seen much the same happen to their families too.

When I was in Sri Lanka in 1995, I never made it up north. Too much fighting was on-going and Elephant Pass was inaccessible. It was no man's land. Sometime in the late 90s, the mother of one of my mom's friends when to the north, to visit family that was still there. That 75 year old lady ended walking 2 weeks through fighting to get back unto the safe zone to finally find transport to Colombo to fly out home to Malaysia.

Too much pain. Too many lives lost. And the Tamil people of Sri Lanka's dreams of a separate state now hang in the wind. What of it. There was a line I saw on BBC.com - a Sinhala woman said "We shouldn't be triumphalist" and I think she has a point.

The coverage shows people celebrating the end of the war, but I ask is it really the end. If the majority Sinhala continue to suppress the Tamils and Muslims who are minorities, this will continue to give reason for dissent.

There is also concern that "a hunt for Tigers and traitors will continue - reflecting on the hard line the government has often taken towards dissenting voices and those it accuses of giving comfort to the rebels."

I think the people of Sri Lanka need to heal from all this warring. And I think the Sinhala government should open table talks with the Tamils and Muslims, giving each a chance to speak of a better tomorrow for all of them.

Most Sinhalas cannot speak or understand Tamil, but most Tamils speak Sinhala - kinda like how all other Malaysians speak Malay - to get anywhere you need to adapt and assimilate.

I pray and wish peace upon Sri Lanka as a whole. To those who see their dreams of a separate Tamil state now in disarray, perhaps we need to revisit the reasons, and take to the table like gentlemen. Perhaps the Sinhala government may not be so ready to hear your side out, but look at what 30years of taking up arms has done. Has it gotten you any closer to your dreams or shattered them and pushed it further into remaining unrealised.

To those who sat in safe comforts of the west and other countries and supported and funded this war, you had your reasons for doing so. Now it might be time to support and fund the recontruction of a devastated land. Some of you might be anxious that your refugee status might now be revoked and you will have to lock stock and barrel return to your homeland, perhaps your motives in funding the war was also purely selfish, because it let you live in comfort and safety, while those thousands who could not afford to leave for safety were left to survive the harsh realities of war.

Even though Malaysia is my home and I am only 50% Sri Lankan Tamil, but I realise how much pain and suffering has taken place - and it is not right in Sri Lanka, it is not right in the middle east - it is just not right for innocents to die for the ideology of a few.

When will mankind realise, the time of war and senseless loss of life must come to an end.

14 May 2009

Wanting Children ... May 14, 2009

I have been reading the news and the matters that I read always provide endless fodder for me to ruminate upon *eheheh does the image of a cow chewing cud come to mind?*

I was reading this morning in TheStar online about the plight of abandoned children who over and above being abandoned, have no birth certificates which then disallows them from being registered for school their only chance at somehow getting somewhere in life - an education.

Apparently if your parents weren't educated or informed to have your birth registered and they had no other choice but to then abandon you due to their own poverty or whatever contributory reasons, you the already abandoned traumatised child could forget about trying to get an education to fend for yourself in the future.

This all deciding birth certificate was the piece of paper so vital for that journey to commence.

I wonder really if abandoned children need some more persecution than that they have already endured. I know some are fortunate to be adopted by loving caring couples who proceed to make up for their biological loss providing these children opportunities that they probably never would have had, had their biological parents held on to them.

This is quite a 2 edged sword isn't it?

There are couples wanting children. And then there are wanting children. Both are very different in nature and circumstances. The former are people who want so much to hold and to love a child of their own creation. To guide and nurture to watch over and share family memories with.

The latter on the other hand are children wanting all of what the former can give but don't get because of their circumstance of birth.

If only both lives would merge ... and then there would no longer be any wanting for either. But that's the oddity of life. We never seem to get what we want. Or if we do it's often through a huge long journey. Some of these journeys end with fairy tale happy endings. Some seem to take on the hue of fairy tales, but suddenly become horror stories as well. There's never knowing which side of the coin is coming up for which party.

I was reading the other day a piece on a former Miss Malaysia - Samantha Schubert, who herself is an adopted child who went on to represent Malaysia at the Ms World I think years ago. She is now married and settled in the UK and she adopted 2 Indian children a girl and boy and now has her own biological son. And I thought how many would go out to give children such a wonderful gift of another shot at life with better circumstances. I have to take my hat off to Samantha for looking beyond skin and colour and creed.

I know quite some people who have done that. Some because they could not have biological children. Some because they had the capacity to take in abandoned children to love and nurture as their own. Had I been a hugely successful financially secure person, I know I too would like to extend my love and home to some child. But I have to be realistic, I am capable of loving more than my own 2 daughters, but financially I would not be able to sustain all of us. So perhaps my time has yet to come, perhaps it will in time.

Children are God's blessings. Although it still continues to baffle me how people can throw their babies in dustbins, public toilets, under bushes leaving that innocent child to its own fate, I guess they too have their reasons and their own journeys to travel.

I wish though adults were more responsible in their actions. Then perhaps we would not read so many unhappy stories. And more importantly I wish that once the child is born that they at least make the effort to record the birth and give that child a legitimacy to at least get an education.

But I do not know their reasons, so I cannot judge their actions. I do know however, that it is not good to further hurt an already hurting child. Give them a chance at life it's already laid with obstacles don't be one of the obstacles then.

Let there be less wanting children in the world, and perhaps we may in some form or manner contribute to better their tomorrows and not pose more obstacles.

13 May 2009

Worth A Read ... May 13, 2009

I think this piece is definitely worth sharing and a read ... A Million May 13s by Farish A Noor because if you are like me born in the 70s and were of the old curriculum of the 70s/80s in primary and as you progressed on into secondary in the 80s you will realise by the time you were studying History for your STPM paper - this seemed to be a different Malaysian History from what you remembered from primary.

You will also remember a time when races mixed freely and respected each other. And you would also remember the subtle but wave of change that took place which leaves you with a bitter taste and sadness that what was once the pride of being a Malaysian is now merely for TDC type documentaries otherwise we are a polarised segregated lot with mostly unfounded fears being drummed into our heads by sad excuses of politicians who get where they are by constantly stirring and adding more bits to the continuous threat apparently everyone else poses to them the 'chosen'.

Makes me sick that my daughters will never know what it means to have friends from every race speak eat celebrate each other. Instead in school supposedly intergrated goverment schools they are reminded repeatedly they are the outsiders and befriending one of the chosen is taboo.

All I can say is you bloody fooking policians have right buggered this country ... ENOUGH!!!! But alas, I am but perhaps a small collection of dreamers fighting our own extinction.

Enough of this fear and bullshit you perpetuate!! Give me back my Malaysia not your cerita dongeng (myths/fables) versions that you are now making to be fact and truth!

Ruminating ... May 13, 2009

This is another one of those random words that suddenly takes me hostage. Ruminating ... and so I had to go look it up.

According to Wiki and I took this one liner coz it sorta summarises the activity i.e. The process of rechewing the cud to further break down plant matter and stimulate digestion is called "ruminating".

Now over time, this has been also expanded in it's usage to mean to meditate or ponder, to turn something over and over again in one's mind.

I rarely use the word ruminating, but I felt it appropriate as I was reading the notes of someone on my Facebook friend list. And I came up with a point of view about this habit or addiction to ruminating. Let me be the first to say, I am often found to be turning things over and over in my mind staring at it from different angles all the time.

What I have come to learn is a drawback on this process is that it solely hinges on the state of mind the individual is in. If one is in a whining sorta frame of mind and one only sees oneself as being wronged (and I've been there and still sometimes find myself there - working on this mindset) then all the ruminating results will be clouded with the evil of the world and how the world is out to get me the one who is struggling to be righteous in an evil evil time ... sorta like the time in which Sauron seeks his ever powerful ring in LTOR ... you know what I mean?? Remember the shit that happened before the ring was destroyed. Well what I've come to realise is one ruminates as in ponder and not the cud chewing ya ... this state of mind holds the key to how we might move forward or regress ourselves.

Often the catalyst to this exercise is disappointment or pain one might have to endure in one's life. Indirectly or directly we find something to place the blame on. Of course being the sort of person I am I tend to start off rather negatively and as my buddy Mohan aka Squirrel Dude's Friend (hehe) would say I whine through my blogs - and I admit I do when I feel hurt, bertrayed, afraid .... I also tend to over time revisit the same issue and look at it from different angles. Other possible perspectives, I talk about it to people I feel can give me feedback without bias and prejudice and if they disagree with me, I am not offended because the more important point to me is what were they seeing that I didn't see.

I used to hate people disagreeing with me. But time and perhaps age has a role to play here. Maybe even the circumstances of my life thus far have began to lead me into reviewing with the intention to see what the macro and micro elements were that caused the problems or became issues. Disagreements are natural in our social existence, how we deal with them is what sets us apart from the masses. I'm just learning this and my approach is I'd rather at the onset lay out that I agree to disagree and that it should be just that.

Anyhow as I type this out, I find myself chewing and chewing and chewing ... apparently on ice mentos gum ... and I find that I can unconsciously keep chewing the same piece of gum for hours without realising that I am and that with this chewing activity, my mind wanders and ponders and gathers information, seives through it and classifies it. Conversations, emails, bits of trivia I pick up along the way ... continuously my brain is in a state of rumination whilst apparently my mouth is like that of a ruminant which is a mammal of the order Artiodactyla - heeheheh such funny images crossed my mind now - go check out the type of animals in this grouping. Perhaps I am more a ruminant now as a result of long periods of vegetarian practices ehehehehehheeheh.

But ok so I have rambled on again. I hope all the ruminating this person is currently going through eventually eases their pain or misery. I cannot tell really. Sometimes some people choose to be in constant state of pain. I know I am moving away from that state of mind and as I evaluate the pains, I look forward with hope and plans to live the remaining years of my life in a state of contentment and happiness within my means.

Now back to cud oh I mean gum chewing ... and pondering ....

10 May 2009

Mom's Day ... May 10, 2009

Well the plan had been an outstation trip, me and the girls, mom and sis ... but ended up I got sick while in court the other day which then went from just a burning fever to insanely crazy BP readings, loss of voice, bloody cough that was a reaction to drippy sinuses. All in all I think it was my body telling me to get some rest. It's been hard weeks lately.

So while mom and sis pushed off mid-morning yesterday, I took a long hot shower and walked around in a sort of a haze since my BP was still doing it's little merry jig on the higher end of both readings. After a quick light lunch and some meds and showered both girls I conned them into a curl up with me for an afternoon nap.

Usually this is met with a lot of protests but yesterday, there was a carrot for them. If they took a nap I'd be also a little better to drive them out for their favourite roti canai in the evening as dinner. So everyone slept in the muggy heat where the damn fan on high only managed to stir up more muggy hot humidity.

Came evening, a quick hot tea. Head still a little woozy but a promise is a promise. Took a slow drive to their favourite corner and they happily enjoyed their dinner. No complaints no tantrums. I had a roti pisang myself while watching them and sipping hot lime.

We came home watched a bit of telly together, washed up and headed off to an early night. It was dreamland for the 3 of us by 9:30pm. A late wake up this morning and a slow start to the day since the medications were still making me a little woozy.

Kasha made me a 3 in 1 card - heeheheh typical of her attention span suddenly the mother's day card was also for grandma and aunt.

Ashna has not shown me anything as yet but me thinks she's starting the pre-teen symptoms early. Plus she's more Jacob than me in nature. I'm all open book burst when I'm pissed and cool down real fast and apologize where necessary. She's the simmering plotting kinda - usually Kasha is the victim to the outbursts. Worrying nonetheless, but it's something that I've to patiently work on.

She is the one most traumatised by all that has happened. She's a brilliant kid. And used to be such an extrovert and loving child but all these years and the shock of the 'idol' parent's departure has made her crawl into a shell and for a 9 year old she's one cynical child. I've my job laid out no doubts ahead of me as the teen years come in.

Another Mother's day. I remain quite tickled because I know when I was younger, being a mother never really crossed my mind as something I would someday be. I had much bigger dreams. Much more flambouyant. Needless to say those dreams haven't become realities (haahah I have not given up on some of them just yet!) but motherhood was something I found myself accepting without much despair when I found out I was pregnant for the first time.

It remains a mystery to me how we change to accommodate a new life within us. How we change in our priorities and plans so that this new life may have things we didn't. May live a protected life and well cared for. At times now when I am at wits end trying to stretch ringgits, I realise always unconsciously, I've already made allocations for their needs ahead of mine.

I've one more difficult task ahead amongst the many as time passes by which is to as gently as possible let the girls know that that they have a half brother (for now, maybe more to come) ... same father different mothers. And I am sure they will have their questions. I feel it's best they know the truth not suddenly one day find themselves in a situation where step brother and they are caught unawares. I doubt the boy there will ever know he has 2 older sisters but I think some things parents need to be honest about.

To be honest I am not looking forward to having to break this to the girls. But better now then when they are older and more likely to be devastated then if I lay it out now and they have time to get used to the idea of another sibling albeit half brother, because then as they mature it allows them to decide what to do or how to address the matter. It is not for me to decide how they wish view this extension of them. Mine is to not hide the fact because children can be unforgiving when they know they have been lied to even if we adults think its in their best interest. So before the matter becomes an iceberg, perhaps whilst the pond is freezing over and ice is thin, this matter should be addressed.

But I think I can still dally on this. Let me enjoy the slow passing of another Mother's Day as I impress upon my memories these fleeting moments before my girls are themselves young women.

Happy and Blessed Mother's Day to all

8 May 2009

Everyone Needs Somebody .... May 08, 2009

Just wanted to share this video clip of a song that never fails to get me singing along ... And the fact of the matter is everyone needs somebody to stand by them ...

If any of us lives in the false security that we are like solitary islands - think again you will realise that many instances exist when someone has stood by you through thick and thin.

Even though many times I've felt I was alone, I've not really been alone - thankfully too :))

Enjoy the clip and have a lovely weekend ... I'm recovering after another court trip where I remain incredulous at the audacity of some people ... and then it made me so sick I started burning up with a fever, feeling nauseous and at one point thought I was having a heart attack - now thankfully I didn't, but imagine the consequences if I had ...

Slept the whole day and feeling a little better now although the BP read 148/100 - not good really really not good!! Here's to feeling better in the morning ...

All That Brouhaha Over English... May 08, 2009

This picture speaks a million words ... I guess the fellow in the mosque who took this must have found the words rather funny if not inappropriate to be worn in a mosque for prayers ....

Kinda be like someone walking into the temple or church or synagogue with that t-shirt - only the understanding of English would have made that person think twice before going ahead and wearing it.

But it goes to prove how poor the grasp of English is amongst Malay(sians) that this was thought to be appropriate to be worn into a mosque - I wonder if the person next to this character even understood what the words meant ...

All I can do is to try not to laugh at the blatant stupidity of the clowns who think teaching subjects like Science and Math in English is wrong especially when the wealth of information on the net for these 2 subjects is mostly in English.

Perhaps their real fear is that if Malay(sians) become proficient in English then we might be able to understand how the world views all the idiosyncrasies of this country and that all our la la bolehland bullshit veil will be torn from our eyes and we will all see the sores and blisters and puss hidden by our very controlled media.

But to the moron in this picture, next time when you buy a T-shirt find out what the words mean first and then decide the appropriateness of it.

tsk tsk tsk ... quite rib tickling!

5 May 2009

Orthodoxy Rocks ... May 5, 2009

We celebrated on the 3rd morning the 25th or Silver jubilee of the ordination of Very Rev. Cor Episcopa Philip Thomas into the priesthood on a sunny morning of 6th May 1984.

That was also the first year that I participated in the Youth Fellowship Annual Youth Camp held in the Methodist Center in Port Dickson. It was the largest YFC I think with such huge numbers from both the Malaysian and Singaporean parishes.

I made many friends at this camp and am happy to say that most of those friendships have stood the test of time and gotten better like fine wine over the years.

So in conjunction with this mini celebrations where Philip Achen was the celebrant of the Holy Qurbana (Eucharist) and a thanksgiving prayer was held in the morning. For the evening, the church committee had mooted the idea of the Orthodox Cultural Fest. This was really a grander scale Sunday School Day presentation with items by the youth, the young adults and the ladies. Somehow the senior members eheheh i.e. the men didn't put up anything - perhaps they were shy eheheh.

I wrote a few weeks ago that I was getting back on stage. Well the Hon. Secretary of the church had asked me if I would be narrator on this play that the young adults (ok ok we uncles and aunties now thanks to having children) were putting up called the Fishers of Men. I said yes. Then some days later he asked me if I would be MC for the evening with another person ... who eventually was another A i.e. Anna ... so he called us the A-team haahahahh idjet he is ...

So we tried to pull a script, and props and practises together ... and on Saturday at full rehearsal, we were all stressed out about the next evening's show.

But I tell you, God is always with us and the evening despite some long prop changes due to shortage of backstage hands ... we finished the show 30minutes ahead of schedule, we rocked the house with the plays songs and skits.

The Sunday School kids were simply amazing and I've decided I've got to make that extra drive up to KL and get my girls participating in the Sunday School curriculum. Otherwise they're going to miss out so much and Orthodoxy is a whole load of fun :)) from what was seen that evening. Just have to budget even tighter then for those extra trips up and the expenses that are incurred.

The Fishers of Men was a megahit haahahah if there's such a term for a church play ... the guys were superb that evening nothing like the evening practises we had in church when I wondered why was I doing this with them. We made a boat, we threw in some contemporary tracks that our community could easily identify with and that's how Chemmeen Express was born ... after endless hours of floor rolling laughter ... we rib tickled everyone that evening.

The guys threw in some last minute moves and I have to say I was soooooooooo impressed with the end result and how the crowd was rolling with laughter ...

Here's a shot of how nutty the guys were ...

And here's the cast and crew after the show with the Chemmeen Express doing a Titanic eheheheheh

I swear Orthodox Church here in Malaysia ROCKS!!! RAWKS!!!! When we put our minds to it and we as submit our actions to God for guidance and blessings ... all will be well!

Our God is an Awesome God!