Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

31 December 2007

Saying Another Goodbye and Hello ... Dec 31, 2007

It's 12:35 31st December 2007 as I write this.

Am looking back at the year that has passed and all the nutty things that have transpired. And I cannot believe to a degree that this has been my life.

The first half seemed pretty run of the mill and I was chugging along in my typical unassuming way ... I have given up pretty much with life and the art of living, since mundaneness is the norm. At the start of January this year, I pretty much told myself to kinda stop looking for things that obviously have not got my name on the list just yet.

I figured, since there are so many unfinished businesses still weighing me down, it was no use trying to embark on other possibilities that hinge on hope. In January I reconnected with Gie after a 20year lapse. And that's been an interesting renewal of friendship ties. Even though it is obvious for now that there is nothing more that 2 people who keep in touch - it's wonderful to realise friendships can be salvaged even with such long silences ...

In March, I had to be honest to Woody, that I didn't think we could be all he wanted us to be,... mainly because my heart is still hurting, healing and trying to understand what it is I want for me and my life ahead. I'd have to say Woody did not take it too well at first, but it seems that since the end of my presence in his life, he's had quite a bit of luck and is now apparently residing in Dubai living the life on expat salaries :)) - YAY good for him! I dunno if my ending our budding relationship was better for him or not - but maybe the paranoia of all the past 2 disasters has made it impossible for me to ever feel that I could be loved by a man who would be one to stay till all my hair is grey and more wrinkles crease my face when I smile ... I have to give it to Jacob and Jaan ... both taught me that loving so deeply and so much, truly hurts when that love is then whimsically destroyed. I will leave it at that ... I am afraid to love anyone anymore is the bottomline.

Life kept moving along ... slow and uneventfully. At times I felt I was suspended in some sort cocoon in a limbo of an existence that made no significant contribution ...

Came July, and so much drama ... the kind one reads about and thinks this will never happen to me - well WRONG!! it did happen to me and so there I was quite suddenly woken from my comatose existence and needing to think on my feet.

Since the kick off the 2nd half of 2007, I have been learning interesting aspects about me. I have on a number of occasions been surprised how I have handled or managed to make it through to another sunrise and sunset with sanity intact.

I made a new friend at work in the form of a Chinese guy colleague and he's been a real sweetheart in encouraging me to keep fighting forward. I guess God sends his angels in the strangest of forms ... and so one of mine is now Darren ... he's likely to kill me for mentioning him, but he's made me also acknowledge that not all Teluk Intan males are jerks - Jacob was a small minority of misfits! *grin*

I turned 36 this year... old friends mostly did not remember, new friends enthusiastically wished me and made me feel special. Have had more than a handful of men hit on me ... and been called hot and sexy more times than I care to remember - mainly because I think they are idiots or blind ... am neither hot nor sexy but it does make me smile at times ... at 36 to have men say they find me attractive is something new ...

Although again, men and their 'salutations' are just words to me ... sometimes I accept them graciously, other times I shoot the bastard in the balls *ehehhehe* - it's a case of been there done that and having heard it all before ... promises are easy to make but difficult to keep ... maybe being 36 just makes me less gullible ??? I dunno ...

I'd like to think that I have come a little further in this great journey of life and that I have learnt my lessons better and am more prepared to face the new year - but I would be idealistic if I said I was ... this is .ani, always learning and learning from mistakes made ...

I have grown used to my singleness although intense loneliness hits me whacking the air outta me when I least expect and then I feel that empty bottomless void ... wanting someone in my life that I can call my own ... and NO I remember I have 2 daughters ... but the truth is they will grow up and live their own lives ... I am just their guardian on earth for the plans God has for them. I watch couples and their expressions of love and togetherness, and the poignancy and the heavy lead like weight in my chest is unbearable ... but this too I have learnt to cope with.

It seems that my journey thus far and more so in 2007 has been about patience and pushing the limits of my threshold for pain and silent suffering. The energy creative, negative or hopeful has only been witnessed in my bursts of verbal diarrhea and the posts to my Incoherent Ramblings of Ashka blogs ... people have commented that I have the skill of stringing words together and creating images in their minds as their eyes read the words ... some have asked me to throw together my writings and send it off to publishers ... but somehow I am afraid ... again of failure ... this is something I have decided is the focus point of 2008.

At the end of 2008 if I am still at this point, then I think I am a sorry excuse for the space I take up on this earth no matter how good my heart and intentions might be. I need to break out of the mold I am in currently and strike out to achieve my dreams. Life is not waiting for me, so I better get a move on on making a positive difference to my tomorrows.

My girls are growing up fast and I need to put my plans and thoughts into hyper drive now ... time waits for no one ... especially me ...

Am not sure what is ahead, but I do know that I am going to be doing my darnest to make it a year with a difference and change kicks in making things rosy, bright and full of promise.

Goodbye 2007, and hello 2008 ... another year to make memories with all those I love and who love me ... and who knows maybe Kevin Kumar will finally figure out this GPS gizmo and arrive on my doorstep to take my breath away (I admit it, I am a God damned romantic ... so bite me!) if he doesn't, am not surprised - he's a guy after all haahhahaha what do I expect! ... I'd have to turn up and tell him I'm here now what *ahahahahha*

Thank you God for giving me the ability to laugh at my misadventures - it's what's kept me going all these years and will continue to do so in the coming ones too ...

Be good y'all and see you in the new year ... for more IROA ... yes??? YES!!!!

14 December 2007

Welcome To Words Shared Dec 13, 2007

new or old
embraced with love
finger to keyboard
like pen on paper
unleash the words
strung in a pattern
giving expression
reaching and breaching
unseen boundaries
thus enabling
free flow of emotions
come new friend
sit amongst us
we welcome your presence
and gifts of words to share

13 December 2007

Warm and Dry Dec 13, 2007

only moments ago
the sun was blinding
dark clouds now
cast sinister feel
as lightening zig zags
and claps of thunder
rattles window panes
rain pelts angrily
demanding attention
while transfixed eyes
catch this mighty display
safe inside tiny cubicle
I watch snarling traffic
glad I'm warm and dry

How Is My Country Treating Me Dec 13, 2007

An interesting question no doubt ... that I am frequently asked in the wake of recent happenings ....

My country at the moment is treating me and how should I say this - the way its always treated me ... indifferently like my being here or not makes no difference to them - AFTERALL I am Indian. Someone the government extols that it TOLERATES!

How my country will be treating me in the future, now THAT leaves a stabbing pain my heart ... because at the moment, I see no future for my daughters here, and yet this is home, where do I go with them in tow.

HINDRAF may have its heart in the right place, but I feel (and this a personal opinion) they have marginalised other Indians i.e. non-Hindus and non-Tamils - but the backlash that is anticipated is to all Indians of all descents ... so we wait in anxiety for what the future holds.

Should I Be Offended? Dec 13, 2007

How Many Christians Understand Jesus Teachings?

And this is my humble view of the matter:

Wasn't offended at all. In fact what offends me is the Christian who thinks it impossible for Christ to yet again show such humility and humbleness sorely missing in the 'Prosperity Christianity' the world and Christians have come to accept as 'the truth'

If only people loved God more than the display of their stained glass faith.

We've been doctrined by man not God. Man has interpreted to his own comfort and for his own power over other men. Look at the number of denominations amongst Christians all splintered and fractured and like lost sheep bleating incoherently! All roads lead back to God.

As much as we would like to think declaring ourselves Christian makes us better than anyone else, I think then you are no better than one who does not acknowledge God in any form, be it a Muslim Allah, a Christian God, a Jewish Yahweh, or the teachings of Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Baha'ism

God is one, MAN and man alone has created so many many variables and then we insult the image and purity and love of God by forcing others to kowtow and adhere to our human interpretations ...

If anyone is offended by this piece of art, then (s)he has not grasped the teachings of our Jewish Christ the founder of the Christian faith. Drop your pretenses and live by the word of God and the teachings and humble works of Christ and the Holy Spirit will burn strong in you who is created in the image of God.

6 December 2007

Silence of the Night Dec 6, 2007

did the sun have a chance
to shine across the land
when rain clouds marred
all that was visible to naked eye
as day turned to dusk
amidst the endless drizzle
agitated drivers cursed and swore
as traffic stopped and started
with no indication no prior warning
in that masses sat I alone
behind me wheel
tapping in rhythm to radio's tune
lost in a myriad of thoughts
fuzzy as my fogged up windows
he came to mind and so did he
another and yet one more
so many hes and hims
each etched in memory
distinct unique personal
foot on accelerator car inches forward
the last streaks of day forever lost
behind dark angry clouds rain laden
my car and I amongst the crowd
move now rubber on tar, eating away the miles
each he, each him make tiny inroads of a smile
still outside, the rain pelts my screen
my eyes peer out intent, focused
the sand against my tires alert me
for I am home as suddenly as I was not
with croaking toads chirping crickets
water gurgling past the monsoon drain
invites a sigh
mixed emotions attack
I stand admiring the damp starless night
as sudden gust of wind brushes my feverish skin
a smile escapes into the silence of the night

4 December 2007

Clear Blue Skies and Gusty Wind Dec 4, 2007

Today is an unusually bright day with clear blue skies and white fluffy clouds at intervals all gaily lumped together, seemingly taunting to those desk bound mortals who gaze out of energy sapping office cubicles. Whimsical ideas of laying immobile in the sun listening to the crashing of waves and the smell of the sea play on my mind... to be honest, I'd rather be outside than tied to my desk.

There's a strange kinda wind blowing, as it does every year end, that also kinda puts a chilly crispy feeling in the air, I suppose akin to the winterly like ambiance that is slowly but surely blanketing the northern hemisphere ... and Christmas is around the corner. This wind is drying, warm and yet seems to send chills to the bones, another year draws to its end.

Typically such a flamboyant display of happy weather is merely preceding what will be an orchestra of thunder and paralyzing display of lightening in the evening sky ... usually this sets in round about 1600hours and then the pelting rain in a downpour so heavy seeing 2 inches our of my windscreen would be a feat worth immortalising with the most poetic of words ... and hence prepared, I have my umbrella to keep bits of me dry as I struggle with laptop and handbag to my car where usually I end up sitting inside watching the display of rain, sound and light before embarking on my long drive home.

Imagery rich lines are thought of but never written, another reminder to keep camera close at hand is made to capture nature's display of its sovereignty over mankind, perhaps even a memory or two is remembered and then there's that smell of after the rains, so heady in its proclamation that this is a washed, cleansed and purified new beginning.

Oh where do I begin with another set of random thoughts as they assail my mind in their usual incoherent jumble. *sigh* Why am I here? Instead of outside savouring the moments??? I ask myself yet again. I have not answers.

Reading the post previous to this, I think of that man again, and I find myself wondering how he is. Naturally I find myself irritated, because really I should not care how he is ... he is nothing to me - or is he? I wonder at this preoccupation. Is it that I see in him what I myself long for? A sense of non-belonging to anyone, anyplace??? The ability to be totally wrapped in my absorption of myself that I have no time to think about anyone else let alone anything else outside the sphere of me myself and I??

Is is t curse to be born a woman I wonder and the corners of my mouth twitch ever so slightly in a mock to myself ... damn it ani, wake up you are born a woman, and shall die a woman! There is no or rather insufficient 'maleness' about you to be anything but a woman.

Had I been capable of being ANYTHING but a woman, perhaps I would have been a man, and successful at it too - ahahhahahah! God I crack myself up sometimes ... what in tarnations am I getting at here? Honestly I haven't a clue and hence tis but another lyrical journey of my lexical resourcefulness that sometimes leave so called English speakers wide agape in stunned silence ... I am amazing, I speak such excellent English - GOD! yet again I need to laugh.

What is the use of such power over words, when it does not earn me any bread and butter, does not increase the balances of my usually empty bank accounts turning from red into positive black entries??? Why am I not able to use this obviously God given talent of weaving words into images in the minds of those who read my ramblings into something more financially rewarding??? I am stumped!

Why is it the confidence that I am able to display in my writings is somehow harder to display in person during person to person interactions? Where does that odd clarity of thought disappear to, that sometimes or is it more oft than not, a bumbling dodo is put on display instead of a majestic lioness with all her cards in hand, with trump as well waiting for the chance to dazzle?

Good Grief! The wind that was blowing so strongly outside seems to have died down, and the blueness of the skies seem less vibrant now ... is that a rain cloud in the distance I see? Why is this almost like a reflection of the life I have thus far experienced? Seemingly brief moments of sunshine and happy days, overshadowed mostly by torrential rains that erase the memory of those short lived sunshine days ... *sigh* I think I smell rain in the hot breeze, ... nothing new really but it seems the rehash of this performance is almost like an encore worn thin of applause and appreciation.

Give me something new! More adventure??? More opportunities where I have not found them to date. Let me find the muse to leverage on my talents and break out of this rut. I know I deserve much better than where I am now.

To be honest, I have grown tired of being the single mother who struggles to keep head above financial typhoons unable to give better to my girls or even alleviate my own circumstance into something positive, effluent and un-imbibed by self doubt which play against my every attempt at rising above my current disposition into something better.

Suddenly I am greedy, hungry to taste the easy life where money or rather its availability is the least of my concerns. Instead I am emancipated from this constant balancing of income to expenditure and always falling short ... I want to enjoy a bit of living without care or concern.

I suppose if I use the male model type ex-husband, I could! Severing all ties with those near and dear. Walking away never turning back I could possibly experience all this. I use the word possibly. The simple fact of the matter remains ... in the lucky draw of genders, I got female on mine and hence am unable to be so cold towards obvious ties that bind.

And I wonder, is that then my waterloo? Is that why I am seemingly stuck in the ever widening deepening quicksand that I find myself knee high in??? It seems with every struggle instead of moving forward, the damn sand sucks me in slowly further. Infuriating! Frustrating!!! Damning I say!

Wait before you think that I am labeling this man or his 'tribe' as emotionally dead monsters, please bear with me ... these are yet another Life of Pi type induced thinking. He is not a bad person - never said that. But using him, my ex hubby and some other (wo)men I have had the (ill)fortune of knowing, leaves me somewhat curious. How do people manage to be so cut and dry, so self preoccupied, so me me me that everything and everyone else ceases to be significant in any form?

Why am I incapable of it? Why am I allowing myself to be saddled with guilt that is not of my doing? Why am I scared that I will fail that it immobilises me until I am unable to make the changes I know I must? Where does all my courage disappear when I come to that crossroad that requires me to make a decision left or right, forward or reverse? Why is it I am constantly in a battle with myself for not grabbing chances that might mean I need to compromise my stand my values just to get an inch up into this big big world that has no time for those who hesitate.

I think I have no choice left but to immediately make drastic changes to my personality whilst holding on to my values, I must embark on another reengineering of ani in order to be better prepared and equipped to meet the demands on me to succeed.

Yes those are definitely rain clouds rolling across the skies now ... in small but determined pockets ... but the sun will shine again tomorrow, as will my star, as will I