Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

30 December 2008

2009 Wishes ... Dec 30, 2008

I probably will be too bored to death on New Year's Eve to sit down and write anything worth while in the form of wishes for the coming year ... so if you have seen this from my Super Wall post to you on FB ... sorry for the rerun but there's only so much creativity left in me - gotta re-energize for the coming year ...

Now if this don't give you a headache from the colour clashing I dunno but here's wishing you a wonderful start to 2009 ... It's going to be a tough year for everyone what with the global economy downturn and the rumours that this is 'The Great Depression' of this century ...

Spend wisely, dig in your heels, tighten your belts and let's survive this financial crisis best we can and still find joy in all the small things that REALLY matter like family, children and friends ...

And before I forget - remember to practice BUB-ing - we don't really need those fines do we even if the enforcement is obviously going to be crap - seeing all the exclusions they have introduced. The whole rear passenger buckle up program feels like another one of those "gomen" type farces ... masa ini hangat hangat tahi ayam je .... lepas tu biar bertimbun timbun mati ... takdir kan?????? **sigh**

Be safe on the roads this holiday season ... and see more of you all next year I hope ... .ani is always happy to see friends :))

God Bless and Have a Super 2009 !!!

23 December 2008

4 Days and Counting .... Dec 27, 2008

Now where did all those days go to suddenly ... Christmas is upon me yet again and am I even vaguely ready?? Hell No!! It's been a rollercoaster of sorts this last quarter of 2008.

In September, my baby sister got married. In Italy no less with family and friends ... It's quite awesome to look back at how this feisty strong willed young lady has come along. My brother inlaw is either crazy or very brave ahahahah there is but a thin line dividing either ... heeheh but seriously they are awesome together and I am bursting with joy at their union. The church wedding was so beautiful ... the reception Villa was even more breathstaking ... Italy was amazing break away from the mundane routine of work work work .... I came back ready to dive into things but as Murphy's Law would have it, things have taken a sharp swerve into rocky roads ...

Divorce hearing dates keeping coming and going - postpone because judge on leave, postpone because co-respondent lawyer cannot make it apparently (then shows up) but anyhows judge is being transferred ... so another delay till next February. It's happening just taking longer than expected ... but eventually it will have to end ... Jacob and she know that - time to legitimize their creation ...

2008 started off with some old baggage being dragged into the year. Some have since worked themselves out. Others have sorta mutated into variables that even I have lost count off.

But the highlights of 2008 that I feel have been awesomely (damn got to find a new word I seem stuck on awesome ... sorta like a COWABANGA from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles haahha remember that one???) refreshing to my soul despite several differing of opinions and misunderstandings cause even though we speak English, sometimes things are lost in transition and translation eheheheh..

Blog hopping into Uncle AD's blog which has introduced me to so many interesting new people and reconnected with some people from the past ... one being AD himself. I met my 'thambi' Kerpie via AD's blog, and Riddzy the snakeman, Anba the boy from Stone Elephant where apparently wildboar is the dish of the day **heehehehhe**, Achilles articles on health and fitness, Nanda and his views ... and even sitting in a mamak enjoying an evening of drinks and food with a whole bunch of die hard Kopites ... - that has to account for something being a Red Devil fan myself ahahah - wonders never cease.

Getting down to really knowing some really amazing (oh boy another word block here!!) people who have shown me what friendship really means. And indeed friends are the family we get to choose and these guys and gals have shown us that despite circumstances, friendships are bonds that cannot be broken by those who are unable to share in the joys. I've acquired brothers and sisters and 'inlaws' and nephews and nieces and sons and daughters ... that have shown me that despite the insanity that prevails in the world we live in, there is always hope that humanity is able to rise above all trials and tribulations and that love and respect for each other gives us a bond and strength unbreakable. Aside from my brother and sister whom I love unconditionally, I have to say the guys and girls who understand what 'Mission Control' is all about, you are truly wonderful people and we Georges love you all .... there is no such thing as strangers anymore, just family. And for all of you I pray that 2009 brings everything that your hearts desire and may dreams come true.

Malaysia, India, Canada, US, UK, Australia, Korea, Singapore, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Libya, Pakistan, Azerbaijan - just a handful of places on the map ... that I have found friends and friendship that transcend borders and racial and religious differences. Just people who come together mutually respecting the fact that as thinking rational adults, we agree to disagree ... Often when I've been down in the doldrums, they have lifted my spirits and made me realise I'm not done for just yet - there's still fight in me ...

One such angel is Nazeen. She sat with me on my defunct 10th wedding anniversary talking and listening, she was with me watching the people go by after the latest postponement of my hearing and she's always a call of FB chat away ... sometimes, you meet people who just click ... I like to think also that I click with another friend from the past.

We don't know what the future holds for each of us ... so best is to just kinda ride this rollercoaster and enjoy it even if there are moments when your tummy turns all woozy and you get sick and even throw up ... my advice, clean up jump right back in and go screaming over the loops and spins and spirals and as you hang upside down before that skin peeling rush down the last bit of rail .... remember everything that life throws us kinda just makes us better stronger people ....

4 days to 2009 ... am looking forward even though turbulence is on the radar. I got my life jacket, I got my whistle and torch and my safety boots and helmet too ... bring it on life, .ani is ready for the ride!!!

12 December 2008

12 Days To Christmas ... Dec 12, 2008

I have been listening to some really interesting music over the last few days ... and then some really good dance stuff and suddenly it dawned on me that Christmas is creeping up on me again and I'm no where near started shopping or even putting up the tree.

What's Christmas without the tree and gifts for kids and everyone else who has the spirit of a child during the season to be jolly ho ho ho...

And then I chanced upon Achmed The Dead Terrorist's version of Jingle Bells oh I mean Jingle Bombs ... ahhaha you have to admit the words are way way too funny not to laugh even if perhaps the language is really not something for the wee ones ...

Have you ever caught this act?? Jeff Dunham and Achmed?? I've only ever seen them over YouTube - but I have to say Achmed's I KEEELL YOOOOUUUUU is too funny although perhaps sometimes borders on the ignorance of the American's of the world outside what they are fed by their governments (I wonder if the Obama administration will make a difference to the myopic "We're the World" Americans.

The link to Jingle Bombs if you can't catch the video (esp. if you're reading this via FB Notes) otherwise here's Achmed's Carolling ....

The Lyrics:
dashing through the sand with a bomb strapped to my back
I have a nasty plan for christmas in iraq
I got through checkpoint a but not through checkpoint b
thats when i got shot in the ass by the us military
jingle bombs jingle bombs mine flew up you see
where are all the virgins that bin laden promised me
jingle bombs jingle bombs your soldiers shot me dead
the only thing that i have left is this towel upon my head
i used to be a man, but everytime i cough,
thanks to uncle sam my nuts keep falling off!
my bombing days are done, i need to find some work
perhaps it would be much safer as a convenience store night clerk!
jingle bombs, jingle bombs, i think i got screwed
don't laugh at me because i'm dead

11 December 2008

Tagged Again .... Dec 11, 2008

It seems however I try to avoid these it does come around to bite me on my rather lavish toosh! So here goes and no thanks to Uncle Anfield Devotee (http://anfielddevotee.blogspot.com/)

1. Do you think you're hot?
Hell NO!!!!! This Q should have been do you think you're FAT ... and I've have said yes without a blink but alas...

So no never not ever likely to think am hot - but I can live with not being hot after all hotness fades. I'm good person with a good heart or some people tell me, that's WAAAYYYYYY better than hot!

2. Upload a favourite picture of you

3. Why do you like this picture?
It was Christmas 2006 with the family and extended family. The spirit of that BBQ party kicked off at 6pm on the 24th and lasted till the wee hours of the 25th not before much singing, wine and fruit cake at midnight. It was the first Christmas celebration that truly the love of my siblings and family and friends was felt by me. If I could freeze one moment in time forever to relive the warm fuzzy feeling in my heart that Christmas Eve, it would be this very amazing night of family and friendships. Uncle AD is there too - first time ever in my house I note :)) and we look forward to many more in the future of this amazing group of people I've come to love very dearly.

4. When was the last time you ate Pizza?
Hmmmmmmmm has to be in September in Varese, Italy ... not too much of a fast food person and nothing beats original Italian Pizza anyways - super yummy!!

5. The last song you listened to
Well let's see now? When I was in the car driving into gates, me thinks it was Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time .. am on YouTube as I do this and Imeem as well so got a lot going on at the moment ... so the very last song I listened to yet again would have to be this one that my buddy "Skinny Ass" shared with me! ... Peter Gabriel's Book of Love ... it's growing on me man it's growing on me ... am humming it even in me sleep -

6. What are you doing right now?
On the bed, laptop on my lap, typing answers to these really weird Questions ... why? am not sure meself ... but what the heck, don't hurt none I suppose.

7. What name would you prefer besides yours?
Oh Boy!!! Mary Anita is me given name - hardly pious or saintly like Mary the mother of Jesus, nor like rehabilitated prostitute Mary Magdalene (wow do I have some strong expectations to live up to!) but perhaps a lesson in me name might help.

Mary - bitter, Anita - graciousness = Bitter Graciousness. Some friends tell me that for all the bitterness I have lived through my life, I am still always gracious - me thinks they be idiots at times but then again, perhaps not!

So hmmmm what would I prefer as a name? Would it be reasonable to say call me Survivor - nothing's killed me spirit yet and I always dust off and survive!

Now who can I tag seeing as me blog list pals isn't awesomely long or anything ... alamak! Errrmmmm I think I tag me buddies
1. Phaji (http://soldieratsunrise.blogspot.com/)
2. Sunshine Boy (http://ilive-foru.blogspot.com/)

5 December 2008

Sometimes When We Touch ... Dec 05, 2008

This song is often a request of many newly marrieds. I know I have sung it once or twice in the past when my siblings, a few friends and I were 'wedding singers'. Dan Hill does an awesome rendition and every time Ihear this song I know I get goosebumps.

I suppose I did imagine this to always be part of my love songs repertoire for the man in my life. There's a certain blunt honesty about this song, and I think people truly in love can immediately feel the meanings reverberate within their souls.

Lately I've had this song playing in my head often and I tend to find myself sub-consciously singing over the blasting radio as I drive to work. And I am wondering if it relates to a certain emotion and is it because of a certain someone from my past my present my future ... it's a rather hard place to be. But I know that all things must come to pass and then the road lies wide open up ahead with opportunities abound ... Perhaps I might sing this song someday for the one I've looked for all my life ...

I am sure this song brings back loads of memories to anyone above 35 :)

p/s: if you can't see the video this is the link

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Rain Of Your Parade ... Dec 05, 2008

I seem to be on a song mode lately. And I think most of the songs are reflective of the emotions I am going through. This song appeals to me as I prepare for the showdown on the 10th of Dec ... which to me is a turning point to my last 6 years.

You might be on parade now all in pomp and glory my dear, but someday it will rain on your parade, I might be there to see it or I might not be there but to me life's only going to get better for me, because I am choosing to make it so.

Happy Weekend all .... here's Duffy's latest number which kinda sorta says what I want to say .... enjoy!

The link if you can't see the video

4 December 2008

3 Stories Of Enlightenment ... Dec 04, 2008

I've been getting these a few times but I think it's worth sharing ... lessons to be learnt should always be shared with friends ... :)

Happy reading ...

Story 1: The Turtles

A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!

For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.

Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'

[ Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves .]

Story 2 : The Frogs

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.

The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken.. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'

[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about ]

Story 3: The Pretty Lady

Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her.

All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of acussations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'

[ This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, that is after the unpleasant event is over.This will immediately remove all our agonies.There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]

Right Now .... Dec 04, 2008

I dunno am not a huge fan of Akon, although some of his songs actually gets me moving and this one does get me doing just that right about now ahhahahaahha

Perhaps .ani is hitting the low blues of Christmas Holiday season or something, but for some reason this song really has me dancing in my car, while at my desk, whenever it comes on air. Poor people around me cannot understand what I am on about humming and bobbing my head abouts **kih kih kih** perhaps some think it's an epilectic fit .... who cares, I like the song.

Not for everyone I suppose but fer now, I like this song - enjoy it if you do - it's not the original video ... am looking for it myself ... :)

The video link

3 December 2008

WIWINWIG - Newest Acronym, Dec 03, 2008

Lately this has been a repeating sort of theme in my life. Forget the world famous WYSIWYG there ought to be another one that has equal notoriety which its WIWINWIG (What I Want Is Not What I Get) - which ironically sounds almost pronounceable as a word - don't you agree?

a. Happy Married Life - ahahahahahahahahahahhahahaahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahaha **wipes tears** we all know how that went and need I elaborate? No I don't think we need to. I'm going to go to court on the 10th of December and kinda just hope some sense prevails in there and I get some knotches closer to closure I've waited for.

b. 5 Figured Salary Before 40 - aiya this another failed mission to date. But then again perhaps where there is failure now there is opportunity awaiting. So I shall remain optimistic, I may need to move the timeline to 50 but then again life is is about enjoying the simple things yes??? In that case I am 10 figure rich because I have the love of family and friends and their support always.

c. Finding A New Man - this is probably the worst of the WIWINWIG situations. I mean the very fact that I am still just a 'technically single' already is complication enough, and then everytime I meet a guy I actually like and would be love for it to develop, it just sputters out into nothingness. It's like a plague that follows me constantly a dark evil shadow. And everytime the inevitable happens, I remember the old Chinese auntie who read my future aside from saying I had a bloody neon sign calling me 'SUCKER' on my forehead which made people feel totally not guilty for using me, I would never be successful in this games of hearts. I feel like throwing the proverbial blanket in and crawling into a hole.

But if life's anything to learn from, then giving up has never featured as an option. I mean I come close to giving up, especially when the self-esteem has taken another whack, the gung-ho spirit is flagging from too many battles - yes I've thought of giving up on what I want or see myself achieving but then again, I think God made me a woman because we're built for hardier things.

Giving up is never really an option. One knock, two knocks innumerable, but we pick ourselves up, dust of and move forward.

(I know I have been driving PG-18 up the wall lately by throwing all my inane thoughts and whinging on him and then arguing for the sake of arguing because well he unfortunately is the one available at all odd hours of the day. But I have to say, he's a dear to still talk to me everytime I say hello on Skype - God Bless your soul for putting up with my ranting and raving :)) - you should listent to some of your own advice sometime yourself PG-18. - Thanks buddy!)

WIWINWIG might keep knocking me down but you gotta pick a lesser mortal to cow or cull .... I'm just too much of a fighter to give up just yet.

Felt like adding this little piece all funked up from the original Canon in Dmajor by Pachelbel - enjoy the riffs ....

Hope you enjoyed that .... :)

1 December 2008

Talk On Autism & Asperger's Syndrome

This bit of information is shared by my blogger buddy AD and I think it's worth sharing in view of the limited access to material and information on living with autism in Malaysia. Please kindly share the information with as many people as you care to. And help educate the public.

much thanks,

Nilai University College (Nilai UC) together with the Faculty of Allied Health Sciences UKM is organising a seminar featuring updates on high functioning autism and asperger's syndrome.

The seminar brings together a panel of local and international speakers who are renowned practitioners in this area. Together they will cover topics on the assessment and identification of the disorders, available professional treatment and the empowerment of parents and caregivers in a specially crafted half day seminar.

Title : Making sense of another piece of the puzzle: Updates on High Functioning Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome
Date : 20th DECEMBER 2008 (Saturday)
Time : 8.30am-1pm
Venue : UKM KL Branch, Jalan Raja Muda Abdul Aziz
Fees : RM30nett per person (fee includes tea break)


1. Assessment, Diagnosis and Associated Difficulties by Clinical Assoc. Prof. Dr. Zasmani Shafiee
Consultant Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist, Gleneagles Medical Centre Penang

2. Cognitive Behaviour Therary by Ms. Winnie Lau
Clinical Psychologist, Minds and Hearts, Brisbane, Australia

3. Parent Empowerment by Dr. Alvin Ng Lai Oon
Clinical Psychologist, Faculty of Allied Health Sciences, Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia

To register, please call - Ms. Shoba at +6068502338 ext 298 or email seminardec20@nilai.edu.my

23 November 2008

Kops Gunners Blues Red Devils ... Nov 22, 2008

There was some noise coming from a very muhibbah looking group down at Sri Bala's in Kelana Jaya on the evening of the 22nd. From Batu Gajah, from Seremban, from in and around PJ and KL and surrounding areas ... it was a gathering of friends.

It had to be one of those things that transcends all the differences that which makes the whole concept of friendship and camaraderie so special.

We had footie fans from all clubs and conversation moved and swayed and sashayed between metal music, footie, food, hackers, tattoos, slithery snakes as pets, wild boar, holidays it was an interesting mix and fusion of people.

Am sure the next time it'll be even noisier and people come together for an evening of fun ... to the folks at Sri Bala's on Saturday evening, I'd like to think my circle of friends has expanded.

Cheers and a super week ahead to the Kops, Gunners, Blues and Red Devils ooops I forget wasn't there a Spurs fan too :) ... aaaah ... there are pictures albeit blurry but the people who should know have the link : ) - was a pleasure meeting all of you ...

Arsenal fans - OUCH!!!! the rest of us pulled in the same scores **eheheh**

17 November 2008

RIP Zoe ... Nov 17, 2008

I found this link whilst googling myself seeing as there seems to be an increase of people arriving on me blog via googling for me in various combinations and from some seriously strange places seeing as I know nobody from there ... oh well perhaps I'm popular ahahha for whatever reason.

This was post I did after my dog Zoe got slashed. Zoe went on to recover from that horrible act of cruelty but some 4 months later, she was poisoned.

When I saw this it brought back memories of Zoe ... and she was about 13 when she finally breathe her last. To those sick bastards who tortured my dog, I hope your vitals are rotting and dropping off slow and painfully ...

There's some gruesome pictures, not for the faint-hearted ... but I am touched so many people wrote back in support. RIP Zoe, you gave us the best years of your life and you kept us always safe and protected! We miss you still ... (the link)

Reactions .... Nov 17, 2008

Last night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come and for my nail polish to dry, I send out a text to a few randomly picked names on my mobile with whom I've not been in contact with regularly of late ... (but then of late I am hardly in contact with most people, a bit of a time out perhaps)

The text read:
Just a quick thank you for colouring the canvas of my life with the hue of rainbows. God bless and keep you safe and loved my dear friend.

After I'd sent the message, I settled in with a feeling of contentment (not something I usually end my day with) because I felt extremely blessed by having all these people in my life. Some are old friends from the days of yore, and some more recent friends who have come to touch my life immensely by their presence in it.

But the replies or rather responses I got have me giggling way into the night. I noted that all the women who received the message sent me hugs and love and in a nutshell brought me up to date about their current goings on. A random sample would be like this
1. Back at you babe, am off to xxxxx no Malaysia this year, lotsa love
2. Thanks sweetie, always wishing you the best of everything.
3. When are we seeing each other again?

What cracked me up was the responses from the guys. I am not sure what to think seeing as most of them sounded alarmed and here is a random sample
1. What's this all about?
2. What did I do now?
3. Why suddenly are you alright?
4. What happened? You OK?

And guys say we girls are a suspicious lot. My phone kept buzzing till about 2am with these replies and I laughed myself to sleep. I cannot imagine why the males all came back with such horror filled sounding replies. I hope you boys don't think I was like on my last gasps of breath ya .... am still here to torment you - bummer eh??

But my wicked impish sense of humour aside, I was touched. Because from the responses of both scales of the gender scale it showed my friends love me. That was what mattered that people cared.

And this is always inspiration to me to continue forging forward despite the many setbacks that come my way because I know with such well wishes, the line to the big G in the sky is definitely carrying prayers for me and my well-being.

Sending out big warm hugs to all of you ... and those who know me, know I love giving and receiving hugs ... it just picks up a mundane day and perks it up right proper ...

Have a super Monday wherever you are! .ani loves ya ...

15 November 2008

When Water Overflows ... Nov 15, 2008

This is a joke between one divorced male friend and me. This is the strange terminology he has for his apparent celibacy ... not from the lack of potential suitors, but by choice.

Strange no doubt - a guy in this day and age choosing (rather like pulling toenails out with pliers kinda joy) celibacy of the most celebrated 'playing the field' rational that everyone seems to subscribe to (going by the He Said She Said segment on mix.fm some days ago). This buddy of mine, from my observation is a really nice chap. He's got a sense of humour, he's responsible and he'd go out on a limb for those who have a place in his heart ... a gem if you ask me, for the lucky female who does win his heart. (she'd have to be a pretty special lady herself and that's the tough bit me thinks)

The first time he'd said this wonderful analogy to his lack thereof sexlife, it stumped me for a bit, but when I got it, I was cracked up laughing ... so I take me digs at him now whenever possible ahahahah *evil me*

And then there was this odd desire to find something as suitably ridiculous as well as funny ... and while in the shower this morning I found the gem of a retort (or so I like to think) to that which also suitably describes my state of celibacy by circumstance ... My Well Is Dry ... ahahahhaahahahhaahahahhaahahahha

This sounds like a pretty funny self help type book title doesn't it??? His Water Overflows, Her Well Is Dry .(@ copyrighted ok!!! or I'll sue the pants off the one who plagarises this title!!!!) .. ahahahahah better than a Men are from Mars Women are from Venus .... me has to talk to this buddy of mine ... I think we have something here that might rake in the moolah!

What I have come to realise over the last years especially being 'technically single' as most people label me ... is that sex life and lack thereof is an immensely comical subject matter. And those of us who have it and those of us who don't can come up with really side cracking instances and anecdotes ... that really should be shared even in anonimity ... (some like others to think they have Richter scales busting sex lives when really stone colder than dead frozen is how their 'water level' is ....ehehehhe)

And this to me is funny. Why most people seem to think that celibacy by choice is such an insane option to undertake. Conquests merely for the number of bedpost notches and scratches is more sought after than connecting with the right person and then letting nature take its course. Anyways, if anything, I've learnt to let others pursue what appeals to them.

It may not appeal to me but that's just me. I'm looking for something else. I don't deny that the company of the opposite sex is missed, but I've always subscribed that sex itself is part of an expression of something more deeper and more meaningful. And yes no wonder I remain 'technically single' ahahahha ... people think I'm weird! I don't really give a toss anyways :) ... my life to live.

So next time my buddy says he's suffering from water overflow, I've got my clever reply ahahahahah ... although whether he understand what I mean is entirely a different story.

But I have to say, the openness of such friendships always leaves me smiling. I might not have everything I thought I needed to be happy, but I've been blessed with the best mixture of friends ever - they never cease to put joy into my heart.

For all whom I call friend, .ani just wants to say I love you all for the joy you bring to my life.


14 November 2008

When Fathers Aren't Responsible ... Nov 14, 2008

This morning one of the headlines in TheStar was Two Single Moms Turn to Prostitution To Feed Kids. The point that caught my attention was not so much as the irresponsible ex-husbands were not paying maintenance and thus having pushed their cash strapped ex-wives to such desperation.

The point I caught was that in this desperation these 2 women went into the use first pay in installment mode for services rendered. I mean ... WTF is this. The assholes who screw these women have to pay in installments? What is this world coming to????

And those ex-husbands so easy to load up the woman when 'syiok' time eh? Then after that what????? You have no conscience or responsibility towards your children? You can degrade and humiliate the mother of your children into making her in her desperation to turn to the oldest profession to put food on her children's plate and further humiliation is to have to keep an "I Owe You" book on clients???

GAWD!!!!!! Am not even going to go ballistic on one such irresponsible father I know ... wasted breathe!

But looking at how my life is progressing ... I am afraid if I should lose my job that barely provides what the heck am I going to be doing. I mean I have enough pride in me not to succumb to the oldest profession - plus reality is there won't be any takers haahhahaha so set that ridiculous notion aside.

What will ani do??? The possibility of losing my job is as real as it is to wake up every morning and find yourself still alive - you know what I mean?

Am racking my brain to find some idea to make me some steady income. Some suggestions from friends and the 2 highest in the list were
1. write a book
2. use my photos to make money

hmmmmmm one other suggestion which me thinks is feasible is to set up a little import/export type business of marketable items via my contacts globally - am studying this a little more.

The thing that scares me is I have no savings to fall back on and no capital to kick start my ideas. There's a few brewing in me head.

I realise am tired of being a paycheque slave. There's no more joy in working working working just to end up paying paying paying. Lately have been speaking with many entrepreneurially inclined friends ... and there's opportunities abound ... just need to find the right one for me and make the devil may care plunge.

Aiya!!!! Damn slack ... more thinking .ani has to do. And the fact that me back and knees and neck are all in serious degenerative state - who knows when I might lose mobility - then am surely and truely fucked! .... so I got to make me stash for the girls futures while I can still move.

Even if you're just passing through on my blog, if you have any idea, drop me a note/a comment ... am welcoming ideas but nothing illegal please!!!

Because .ani is one of the millions of women worldwide who married an irresponsible man and a totally irresponsible father to his daughters. He can be model son, husband to his mistress, father to his son - but he still ain't being responsible to his 2 earlier born children.

Lucky for him, I AM their mother - I don't keel over and wait to die. Although things are looking shaky in my financial future, I'm already thinking how to recover from this setback. Hit me with good ideas folks ... ani has to get this ship on course ... 2 very special blessings deserve that and much more.

Happy weekend all ....

7 November 2008

RPK Freed ... Nov 07, 2008

That's pretty good news to end the week on don't you think?

RPK's Habeas Corpus was successful. The judge ruled that the Home Minister had acted outside his jurisdiction when he issued the two-year detention order under Section 8(1) of the ISA. ehehehehhe OBB ... another smack on your shiny head ...

I don't always agree with what RPK writes or how he writes but it's interesting to read a different perspective and coming from one of theirs it's rather intriguing.

I wonder if the HINDRAF boys will be lucky too but now that they are outlawed, hmmmm we wait and see.

But am sure RPK, his family and supporters and all of us who believe in more freedom of speech in this country are relieved. Am sure the man will be back at his writing in no time, and here's wishing you good health and no more ISA.

It's the weekend ... what's around the corner?

6 November 2008

I Could Be PM ... Nov 06, 2008

If you read this morning's headline oh ok maybe it wasn't the headline but a byline somewhere (I forget now) you would have read this incredulously mind boggling statement by Sleepy Eyes the PM everyone is pointing the exit door to but he just refuses to leave.

Anyone can be PM - says Pak Lah ... and then you read the rest of the report.

quote " It is possible for anyone from a minority group to be a nation’s leader, even in Malaysia, says Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Badawi.

“It is up to the people to decide, just as the Americans had done through the democratic process,” he said while extending his congratulations to Senator Barack Obama."unquote


Does this now mean that I too can be Prime Minister of this country? or what Sleepy Eyes saying is that even if you are a 'Minority' within UMNO then you can still aspire to be Prime Minister.

I'm confused.

Didn't we just have some big hulabaloo about some minority group questioning the sole rights of the Malays as the PM incumbent hence other races were like dogs scavenging for crumbs if there was any to scavenge.

Have we not got politicians forever pulling out the race card and shoving 'Ketuanan Melayu' down our throats any given chance?

Didn't we wake up one morning recently to find racist pigs like Khir Toyo suddenly looking like a favourite to take on the UMNO Youth??? Can you imagine the generation of racist pigs we will then have to deal with.

I am stumped. And I think everyone else who read this in the morning was left stumped. I was looking up the Malaysian Constitution and come away a little more confused ...

Article 43 clause 7 reads (7) Notwithstanding anything in this Article, a person who is a citizen by naturalization or by registration under Article 17 shall not be appointed Prime Minister.

Now I went up to have a look at Article 17 - all it had was Repealed. And I looked at the footnotes to try to understand what Article 17 might have been and your guess is as good as mine nothing ... hmmmm ok so am not a fervent analyst of the constitution and usually end up just listening to the 'learned informed' crowd's arguements but anyone know if this Article 17 is what keeping us minority fookers from becoming PM?

Anyways my vote for PM is still my quad-bellied (self confessed) sweetheart buddy Kerp! I'm better off using my whip on some other Ministries to ensure the betterment of Women and Children's Rights - and me thinks with Kerp as PM, I'd get that portfolio in a blink :)) - he won't fight with akka for sure heehhehe.

So Mr. Prime Minister aka Sleepy Eyes, please read the writings on the wall and before you make anymore musang berlalu (faux paus la seeing as most M'sians say it as 'fox pass') embarrassing moments, the door is very clearly on your left ... do exit stage as soon as possible. Or else you're going to stir the shit so hard it's going to hit the fan and knock your replacement off his precarious chair in waiting ...

Minority groups can be PM too indeed - go tell this joke to some uneducated fool, the rest of us have taken enough of your 'sandiwara'.

Change is inevitable - I agree - It begins with you taking a long pre-retirement sabbatical. Let your designate swim the in the quicksand before he drowns in all the shit as well - people want change and people will have it ... eventually.

5 November 2008

Meeting Kerpie ... Nov 05, 2008

Kerpie is my wheelchair buddy newly acquired via interaction on an aging gout suffering metal meister with a pot belly .... (AD needs no other introduction me thinks!) blogger's page. Kerpie is a blogger himself. You can find the links here on me page (a little searching please)

And these online arguements and insult trading and opinion voicing sees a very lively interesting exchange of ideas. I like the crowd although having to put up with Kopites being nasty about me favourite footie team in the world is sometimes well stretching!

Thankfully footie was not the focus of today's meeting. And more so Kerpie is an Arsenal fan not Kopite so I needn't have to endure attacks hehehhe which I somehow forsee happening on the evening of the 22nd.

I had the most wonderfully 'slip on favourite slipper' moment with Kerpie. He's a really cool chap and on his 2 wheeled yellow 'Lamborghini' we met in the Curve. I have to say one the best compliments is someone telling you on their first meeting that they feel really comfortable speaking with you. And well Kerpie, I absolutely think you're a darling hehehe and sorry I scared the hell outta you with some of the stuff we talked about today heheeheh man I swear a lot more than you do for sure or where you just being polite in front of akka?

All said, I enjoyed this first time meeting of many and look forward to catching up some more. Can't tell you all that we spoke about, we'd have to kill you then - haahahhahahaha it was all top secret hush hush this and that ... but me thinks me just made a friend for life here ...

Big hugs Kerpie! Akka loves ya!!

Mr. President .... Nov 05, 2008

A new dawn in many ways has come upon America today. The first ever black President in American history.

The the people of America, you spoke through your votes, and change is upon you - Congratulations and Mr. President Obama, let the hopes of your people who have spoken via their votes take flight!

Peace and Economic stability for all.

4 November 2008

Opps Extra Passenger What Do We Do??? ... Nov 04, 2008

I really have to ask here - who the fook comes up with these ideas because doesn't anyone in the fooked up Government that we have ever think things through before they make a big wasted hulabaloo about something only to as the time gets closer to implementation realise ALAMAK!!! we've got some people in this country whose only passtime is increasing the population.

I mean the minimum number they aspire to bring forth is 5 and the last I checked sedans comfortably seat with rear seat belts ONLY 3. Seeing that most of these amazing children creating machines do not stop at 3 or even 5 but go on with at least an average of 2 spouses and 5 or more kids and the average virile male here can usually at best afford a Kancil, Kelisa or worse still ugly Rusa - you can bloody well bet your bottom dollar that aside from blaming the Almighty of mishaps along the way, they are soon going to be expecting the government to subsidise the purchase of their mini-buses and also cover the costs of installing seat-belts as an added bonus.

Can you then imagine the chaos on Malaysia roads??? Come festive season gone will be the days of the 10 mangled bodies from the ant sized Kancil but we can go ahead and kill the whole family in these family mini-buses!

ARRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I've fooking spent a great deal of time reminding people, lecturing people on the simple responsibility they have in buckling up and ensuring that their passengers are also duly buckled up i.e if you own a sedan that's about 5, if you own one of those SUV/MPV/APV whatever else V there is in the market at most its anything between 6/7/8 who can be safely buckled up.

Now when I say buckled up, we also mean all those babies and toddlers too. They should be in their baby or booster seats safely buckled up - not freaking bouncing off the interior of your vehicle as you hurtle along at suicidal speeds zid-zagging between lanes.

Come on people is it so fooking hard to just be safety conscious??? I mean half the people I see on the roads even the front sear passenger leave alone the driver are NEVER buckled up. If they know there's a JPJ/Police roadblock ahead every snaps on the belt to avoid a summons but otherwise apparently safety is the last thing on their minds.

Since prior to Eid, all radio stations have been reminding reminding reminding for back seat passengers to buckle up.

A recent survey showed that although 80% of Malaysians were aware of the Buckle Up Behind drive, only 60% intended to do so AFTER the ruling comes into full effect 1st January 2009. The other 20% I assume could care two hoots about buckling up at all. 20% of Malaysians were UNAWARE there was even such a move.

Because I am a confessed speed fiend - who religiously pays my summons if I get them, some people think my asking them to Buckle Up is hypocrasy ... well, I keep telling them, I speed in access of 140km/hour on roads that are in favourable conditions and usually devoid of traffic. When I hit all the typically bumper-to-bumper crawls, I become an extremely defensive driver using all my mirrors and my indicators so as to avoid the maniacs who seem to think doing 140km/hour when people are 1" from the car in front of them is apparently great show of their driving skills - which inevitably leads to lane changes with no indicators, driving between lanes even if they own one of those monster type vehicles under some delusion that they are Kancils.

So yes my speed addiction is no excuse. I admit so, but I'm belted up, I'm alert, and I sure as hell have better anticipation of the other morons on the road and that's probably why I am highly stressed. I have to cover the 200kms distance in half the time people who live next door to the office and still appear late, whilst I've managed to clocking 30mins at the least sipping my office brewed coffee. Because despite the distance I have to cover, HR finds it amusing to ask me why I tag in late. To avoid such nit-picking, I make it a point to be in before 8:30am - and so I speed on the empty freeways.

I have gotten me kids to buckle up. And if they refuse to or don't, I clearly tell them that I will pull over and they can get down and walk. A rule is a rule they have to follow - that is probably why no one wants to get into my car anymore - no one wants to have to buckle up heehehhe - imagine .ani with the school mam look and cane in hand!

So coming back to the point that has irked me. I read in the papers, that the authorities have not decided how to address the extra un-belted passenger in the back. LIKE HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO how do the other countries address that??? There is NO extra passenger allowed!!!!

Simple. If you got more than 5 people, take the damn public transport or put in your application for that specially subsidised mini-bus for your family. (No it's not out just yet but I am SURE it's part of the next budget and NEP revision)

I remember visiting my friend and her family in Sydney some 2 years ago. My daughter and me, and the 3 of them, if we ever wanted to go out, we took the bus or we ordered a mini-van cab which all of us were belted up in. There was none of the Malaysian nevermind squeeze squeeze. People take these simple life saving rules very seriously.

Yes of course if you ram into the back of a trailer or lamppost or divider at 160km/hour - the seat belt is not really going to help save too much of the driver's life, but it could considerably save the lives of the backseat passengers. If that's a choice you cannot make, then well we can keep on blaming the Almighty and fate when really the lives of your loved ones is really in a simple rule - buckle up both front and rear.

I cannot stand to read the deaths of children because of such unthinking stupidity of the adults in the vehicles.

Start now, it's a simple exercise, and it goes a long way in a time of emergency. Think about it. My kids are safer now than if they weren't buckled up. And I'd take that anytime that having to think what if I slam on my brakes now will they go flying - I drive with one less stress now knowing they are safe in the backseat.

January 1, 2009 ... please start now not wait till then and dice with tragedy.

Geoff Byrd ... hmmm Nice ... Nov 04, 2008

Thanks to facebook and iLike I chanced upon Geoff Byrd and not only is he cute, I like how he sounds and his songs are really pretty good. It's not death metal type yeah so I know some friends who might break into hives listening to Geoff's music.

If you would like to get a sampling of this songs (since I cannot upload the free MP3's that I have) please visit this link for Geoff Byrd's Songs.

Come back and tell me what you think of his songs ... my favourites are Elusive Butterfly, Frozen and Before Kings :)

Enjoy ...

p/s: I wrote to his email address expressing how much I like his music and within an hour I got a reply that looked fairly personally replied - not one of those standard "thank you blah blah" type you usually get from celebrity sites. Talk about fan management with a personal touch!

So me think Geoff Byrd rawks!!! he's got a fan in me ... all the way from Malaysia (hope the boy knows where that is on the map ... not like we're famous for too many things except for 'sandiwara' theatrical government!! hahaha)

1 November 2008

Kindness Begets Kindness .. Nov 01, 2008

I think it's one of the most simple teachings that people should incorporate into their day to day activities. Me thinks the rewards intangible as they often are, remain far more satisfying then gold bullions by the truck loads. (ok ok I mean if I had one truck load of gold bullions, I know I'd be a happy puppy)

But kindness like common sense which we have long since agreed is not so common. In the dog eat dog world we live in, plussed with the number of scammers and tricksters we come into contact with at every level somewhat leaves us all poofed out of kindness.

I mean when you're having lunch or dinner on any given day at some open air type food courts or kopi tiams, are you not suddenly overcast with a shadow and you look up from your food to have someone stuff some papers in your face asking for a donation of some kind.

You have famished looking folks ringing your doorbell asking for water, asking for food - sometimes you give them what they want they go on, sometimes you give them what they want, they end up taking your stuff and hurting your family. The world has gone all nutty.

I know often when beseiged by people asking for money for one thing or the other, I tend to shake my head with a firm no and ignore them hence forth ... have had a few of those who stuff things in your hand and ask for money and say if you give it back bad luck will befall you ... and trust me I am not sure what transpired in those moments, come away to find my wallet is somewhat relieved of my hard earned cash ... so it's a no no these days.

But having said that, sometimes the sight of the elderly tottering around and rummaging in garbage picking things up really tears at me heart. I wonder where they come from, I wonder where their children are and how can they be left like this alone to fend for themselves. And I think what if this was my mom or dad or grandma ... oh hell what if this was me in 30 years time.

I mean I am sure I am raising Ashna and Kasha with good values (although self first is something I am battling with over and over again but they are still kids in a learning curve, I know some adults who have never outgrown the 'me first' syndrome) and even if they cannot be with me, they will make sure I am comfortable with decent meals a day - at least I think they'd do that much for mommy (fingers crossed)

On a few occasions even when I was a student running for the bus in the infamous Puduraya and anyone using that bus-station would know how the beggars line the bridge you use to get into the station. There used to be a mother back then with some 2 toddlers and one baby in her arm begging. Foreigners for sure. Perhaps part of some syndicate. There were times I'd buy baby formula for her baby. Or give some clothes for the kids but never money. She would be hard pressed to accept the goods - perhaps whoever was in charge of her collections might suspect her of having siphoned some off for these buys that she'd refuse and insist on money ... mind you if I were to have given any money I think it would have been like a ringgit at max, but she'd refuse infant formula strange woman ... in the end I'd just put it beside her and walk away ... it was up to her what she did with it.

There are a few other homeless people I see around the usual places I go to, usually drunk to the max and wobbling along the street and they'd ask me for money. I just refuse most times because I know they will use it for either another round of cheap liquor or fix. But if they ever opened their mouth and said they wanted money for food, if not in too much of a rush, I'd go buy some food and give it to them. Giving money in such circumstances is like inviting the Devil to tea - you know what I mean?

Well this morning, I had another one of those moments. I was driving Ashna to her music class and as we turned into the side lane, I notice the parking next to her class was empty. So I parked and then I looked up and in front of me was an old Chinese lady holding a rattan walker type thing and she was mumbling. At first I thought oh oh I parked in front of a crazy lady ... gedangit! don't need her to hit me car or anything.

I had to top the parking meter up and so while I was putting the coins in, I caught snippets of her mumbling. She was asking me for a ringgit to get some food. So I turned around and asked her "auntie mau makan ka?" And she went on telling me about the stingy man she worked for who refuses to give her a job now when she needs it more growing old and no one to care for her. I looked at her face and thought she could likely be somebody's mom or grandma, and where were these people. She could also be loony but the fact she said she wanted to eat, made me give in.

I had the ringgit she asked for but I took out a bigger note and put in her hands and said "auntie pegi makan ya" and because we were running late, I did not take her myself to someplace to get the food. As I turned to leave in her broken Malay she said to me in loose translation, that I had such a big heart. And she said she will pray to all the Gods to bless me in my work, in my life and that good fortune be mine hundred fold ... I was embarrassed slightly because she was quite loud and people passing were giving the funny eye you know what I mean.

I shyly said thank you and reminded her to get something to eat and hurried along. I didn't feel any greater a person for having given her some money, but I have to say whether sincerely or not her wishes for my benefit made me feel like wings on my feet and lighter hearted.

Financially I myself sometimes feel like a charity needy case (none forthcoming from anywhere eheheh DAMN!!) but I always believe that if we are kind to people, someone somewhere when least expected will lend us a helping hand when we need it.

I know I am blessed with family and friends who care for me immensely. And I know that there are many people in as many far reaching parts of the world who would go to great lengths if I asked for a favour. But its not in the knowing of this that makes me feel better but that in reaching out to total strangers especially when their lives seem desolate and hopeless, one's sudden unplanned kindness renews their belief in the world and living.

This I have come to learn as a fact from the numerous times, strangers and friends have shown me kindness that has made my gray skied day suddenly a palate of rainbow colours.

Two very recent instances were from Nazeen who spent Halloween evening with me in Modesto KL having dinner and chatting while we waited for the Retro Bar to kick in with the promised music (which incidentally when we left at 11pm had yet to commence) and this was like at a drop of a hat decision because Naz didn't want me to be alone and blue on what should have been a celebration of a decade of marriage ... so we made it a girls evening out and talked about things that mattered to us. For that wonderful evening and the fact she did ditch hubby at home to spend it with me was really spirit raising - I love you Naz!! MUAKS!

The other was yesterday afternoon. I had been all geared up to spend the evening out in the company of some friends seeing as it also was supposed to be the farewell do of my chinaman best friend Uncle D. But due to unforseen circumstances that was postponed to next Tuesday. So was a bit in a mood by noon when the Accounts Exec called me to tell me they'd not banked my salary in and I'd have to do a bank run myself - AARRGGGGGHHHHHHH.

So when my pal codenamed "Skinny Ass" text me about some happy news on his side, my response was likely less than enthusiastic. Some time later while standing in the bank, I read another text of his and replied with a "haahahahah sorry but in a sorry ass bad mood now", I got a reply saying "I guessed as much, call you in a bit" ... when .ani is in a bad mood, seeing as I had to go lunch hour to Tmn Tun, park a gezillion miles away and walk in the hot sun to and from the bank ... I was like yeah whatever (I know I know oh .ani of so little faith!).

Hence an hour or so later when my phone rang and I saw his number on the screen, I have to say I broke into a smile. We were kinda bitching about some things and taking the piss outta each other on some other things, at the end of that conversation I had laughed so much and happy hormones was flooding me and I just had a happy plastered smile on me face for the rest of the time I was in the office. "Skinny Ass "is also going through some tough times of his own (who isn't right??) and his kind gesture to call me up was really very touching.

Like I said, kindness when least expected has an amazing way of setting a riot of happy hormones through you and I know it did for me ... and so Skinny Ass and Naz, I thank you both for making my Halloween this year a little extra special especially in a time when I've been feeling a little rollercoaster with all the shitty things going on. So many others out there who whenever they sense .ani is down they reach out to me in so many ways to make me pull up me socks and haul me ass back on to the journey I am on reaffirming that kindness always begets kindness in return.

To the wonderful people who are my friends, thank you darlings for loving .ani as is and I send you all my love and best wishes always ...

~~happy weekend all catch you in the next week recharged and ready to take on the world~~

31 October 2008

A Wedding's Obituary, Oct 31, 2008

My Lord! 10 years has past ...

It's still like only yesterday, the bustle of preparations, the funny extremely long entourage stop at the PETRONAS station to fill the empty tank to get to church. The perfect timing of the power cut just as the priest pronounced us Husband and Wife before family and friends from near and far.

I remember how you held my hand so tight as we walked out of the church beaming albeit sweat trickling down the hot humid Saturday afternoon. And the entrance to the reception and your very nervous speech. And how you looked at me and said "So we are married" and I said yes in that typical way of mine.

I have to say that in those early days, I used to spend some time thinking how I'd mark the milestones of our wedded years and family life and the big one I looked forward to was well our first decade to be surrounded by our children, and families and close friends to renew our vows and commitment to each other for another life time of togetherness.

But even back then, I cannot remember you sharing the same hopes and aspirations. I cannot remember a time that you gave me confidence we'd overcome together - together being the operative word. Small hiccups yes common, fights and arguments all part and parcel of finding our mutual rhythm ...

And so here we are, you're quite happy with Sia and son, perhaps contemplating more additions to your new growing family. And me here, pensively waiting for a piece of paper that ends this farce and for some hope that you might be at least made responsible to your daughters by some act of law ... although my faith in the Malaysian judiciary is less optimistic.

Looking back though, as hellish as the ride has been, I've been getting better and stronger. I look back now with little or any ill feelings, I analyse what perhaps were the weak points, and I introspect about how I am going to just keep getting better. Like someone recently said, you can't keep a good person down for too long ... and I believe I am a good person, not perfect but my heart's in the right place - you might beg to differ but well that's what adds to the spice of living.

A guy friend of the family from the past who in recent times has reconnected with us, is going through somewhat a similar brouhaha with his wife. And as I listen to his side of the story and there's always 2 sides I admit, I feel often times reduced to asking out loud WTF is this all about.

He has set her up with her own little enterprising business before throwing himself into building his. He'd given her a close to 400k house and spanking new continental car. She had pocket money that equalled my salary to spend on herself only ... as he was venting his frustration at her I want a divorce but let's remain friends and maybe we could remarry theory, I laughed out loud sometimes ... both in disbelief and to an extent heartbreak.

In my shoes, I'd never dream of such things from you. Even to have you give the place we called home to our daughters as collateral for their future is like pulling your nails out with pliers. A car??? A house?? POCKETMONEY????????? I have to stop giggling now .... your head would bust if this idea was ever introduced with me as the benefactor ... am sure it's different now with her. Thist was when we were together, what more now that we lead separate lives ... you give me allowances? I think I heard a gasp of disbelief.

This friend still is giving the pocketmoney until the decree is out after which anything and everything related to his child he bears no questions asked - "she's my daughter, it's my duty" are his words. And again I choke ... God Jacob, why can't you just be a fraction of this dude??? Anyhows, can't ask for the impossible.

So today, a milestone to those vows we exchanged of together in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for ever and ever until death do us part ... well this morning, once I parked at work, I took out a mish mashed purple thread ... yes Jacob, I still had the 7 threads with which you tied my minnu on my neck proclaiming to all that with that you would undertake to care and love and protect me. The minnu, the rings sit in a box as I plan how to address them ... I lit the lighter and I watched the silk threads catch flame and turn to dust just like all those empty promises you made 15 years ago, and all those meaningless vows you made 10 years today.

And I declare today that am officially free of this irrational pain of the burden of marriage. Today I burnt the 'corpse' of that wedding. Today I bury the lie of the 'husband' I have on paper. Today onwards Jacob, you are to me "dead" and like the ashes of the threads blown in all directions far far away from me. There will not be any memorial service for this death, there will not be anniversaries to this death ... once and for all, it is over because I choose that it ends now this moment on.

Let the courts and the lawyers meet this 10th December and do what they do best since your walk-out from that meeting on 20th August with 'see you in court' war cry ... I suppose best let things take its due course. Perhaps another 10 years might pass before everything is nicely wrapped up and handed to me in a decree absolut but from today, 31st October will ONLY be about Halloween and a day for me to find a reason and excuse to have a good time on my own or in good company of people who mean something to me.

Happy Halloween to all and may the spooks and skeletons from your closets not overshine the necessity of living one's life to the fullest, because really we owe it to ourselves to be happy every moment we have.

26 October 2008

Generation WE ... Oct 26, 2008

This is America's youth coming out and deciding their future ... will Malaysian youngsters ever feel the same passion to inherit a better tomorrow of equality amongst races. I dunno.

Probably if we tried to make such a movement of youth, we'd be caught and thrown behind bars by the powers that be for attacking the rights of the Malays ... ISA would be freely used to suppress the voice of change and reason I am sure ...

But we too as a nation, must come together to speak out for what is the only way forward. Too much water under the bridge for too long, and the cracks are showing. Come together as one people for a collective better tomorrow.

Wishing all a Happy Diwali and safety journeys.

20 October 2008

akuani Revealed ... You Think? Oct 20, 2008

My blogger buddy Kerp tagged me It on his blog and so here's me trying to write about me in 15 points so that you get to know me better - hahahaha whyeverfor? I dunno - you got time to kill perhaps :)

Also this was written over a year ago, edited a bit here and there for this particular post ... read on if you want to ... try not to snore on me blog please - tan-jew-berry-much!

#01: I am Ms. George becoz that's my dad's name *like duh!!!* I could be also Ms. Jorge, Ms. Georgg, Ms. GeeVarghese you get my drift :)) but am Ms. George, even when the spouse was around, never ever called me self Mrs so-and-so .... I like my identity just fine as it is.

#02: Formerly called the .ani virus, now rehabilitated and reformed ... if people don't like this me - too bad, I don't care really, my world is still spinning on its own axis (did I sound obnoxious there??? ahha bite me!)

#03: I am learning to enjoy my singlehood and the freedom it comes with to do just about whatever I dang please without the need to be answerable to parents and (in)significant others nor stealth in my choices - don't be envious - it comes with a price :)) although the down side to this is the acute sense of loneliness and frustration that attacks when things go haywire all at once. And the fact is, am still a 7 year old in my parents eyes - hence no escape to answerableness - working on it though ...

#04: Mommy to Hannah Ashna and Reanna Kasha my BratAngels ... without them life would be very different and very likely meaningless hence I am blessed that God saw it befitting that I be their mommy. As much as they drive me nuts and add streaks of gray ... they give me smiles, hugs and love that warms my heart forever more

#05: I'm allergic to words that the lexical resourceful use for what they deem to be my non-existent "popularity" - keep them away from me ... I rather be called a loudmouth and disliked for my honesty than candy floss popular

#06: I live in the land we market globally as Truly Asia - 3 guesses! If you flunk please come out of the cave you've been in and check out what's happened to the world around you since ... Oh wait a minute. we 'market' being the operative word - great for overseas adverts which are fully of toothy smiling 'Malaysians' but the reality is just the opposite! The current 'gomen' have done a great job of segregating everyone ... I learnt this back in form 2 Civics/Tatrakyat - the word - polarisasi perkauman which we seem to be really happy maintaining till this day ... because we tolerate other races - ahahahahahha damn fookers screwed up a great country!

#07: I am an independent opinionated and hard knocks survivor ... takes a lot from you to piss me off and when you do get worried when I start to smile

#08: I am MOST lethal and dangerous when my smile is unwavering it means you have pissed me off good and proper ... for your own self preservation my advice to you is "GET THE FOOKING HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!!! (added on 211008) When someone is phreaking fooking yelling at me for no obvious reason or taking potshots at me, I rarely say anything. I either remain expressionless or I might look all red in the face and about to flood the room - don't ever take that as a sign of weakness .... It merely means I'm imploding and your fooking face has just been saved a nasty collision with my silver ringed fingers ... exploding is so what you fookers want, I won't give it to you!

#09: I enjoy the fact I can interact with anyone with such ease like slipping into your favourite pair of flip flops :)) ... which doesn't mean I treat you like a flip flop ok just quickly comfortable :) ... there's a difference here.

#10: I am basically a WYSIWYG kinda girl and I swear till the sailors blush in any navy :) - so if you can deal with it great, if you can't step aside please! :)

#11: I have 18 years of working experience under my belt and I have done almost everything there is to do but have been focusing on Project Management the last 8 years. Although have been very seriously thinking to quit all this dog-eat-dog apple polishing back-stabbing madness and retreating to some old time farming or animal husbandry ... away from the quabbles of the money crazed maniacs who give me ulcers and unwanted stress. Let them fookers kill each other off, me .... I want to live ripe and old and enjoy the journey of living!

#12: A Mongrel by breed it seems to the eyes of the puritanical - Keralite+Jaffenese+Chinese. My take on this is I am built to survive unlike pure breeds that succumb to minor irritants ... I have always pulled through, picked myself up, dusted off and continued forward head held high. This wonderful diversity of ancestry has made me extremely appreciative of the diversity of the planet I live on. Her people might irk me sometimes but in most instances, my breath is simply taken away by the beauty of living

#13: I aspire to someday write something worthy of ink to paper lining bookstores around the world and my own little reading parties ... far from achieving these but dreams are meant to be dreamt and aspired towards ... for now I potter abouts with my blog and poetry ... building the nerve to sit down and actually begin that masterpiece in the waiting.

#14: Truly Blessed! Is how I feel whenever the humanity and compassion of people I know is showered upon me and my family. We were always almost outsiders everywhere, but today my extended 'family' of friends and friends of friends and reminds me constantly that in every turmoil, a lesson is learnt, a new friend found and it's in the willingness to see others as we would others see us that creates unbreakable bonds that carries us through our tough times. If there's 2 people in this world I know would give their lives for me without a pause they are my siblings Thamby and Babs - I love them loads loads loads (you get the picture) even if we can't always agree, another blessing from Big G in the Sky to me :)

#15: I wear my heart on my sleeve, some people take me for a sucker, but I have a theory about the myriad of folks that traverse through my life ... there are travellers, there are tourists, there are migrants and then there are the settlers ... I like them all but my favourite kind are the settlers who have made a home in my heart ... near or far they're always here in my heart :)

Kerpie darling - I pulled this together fer ya ... dunno if any of this makes any sense to anyone ... but if you know .ani, then I guess you'd know what I mean ...

I don't think I know anyone who'd read me blog and then Be It~ed :) ... but if you think you got the guts to try and talk about yourself in 15 honest points to a general mass of either travellers or tourists ... take a shot at it and say I'm It :)

~.ani says to say ... happy Monday and week ahead~

18 October 2008

Slivers of Sunshine Amid Gloom, Oct 17, 2008

Sliver #1 : Petrol Price down by another 15sen, now at RM2.30/liter - cause for more joy, I can now have 1 roti sardin and 1 milo ais - talk about luxury living!! I mean a certain premier in waiting wife is rumoured to have spent RM500k for per piece for 14 Rolex watches - how many tentacles does this woman have she needs that many watches??? Even Octopuses have only 8 ... yikes Medusa Revelation you think???? So me being able to afford me luxury breakfast is reason to celebrate.

Let's see now ... the past weeks since my return from Italy have been only what one can describe as living hell - mostly if not in totality related to work and the bossman I work for. He's in a constant PMS state of affairs due to all the negative factors enveloping our country, our economy and well closer to home our company's bread and butter.

And yes, it's his company, he's allowed to vent and rant and whatever else ... but when you start being nasty to people who work for you and start lumping everyone into the same category of those who screw up and fook on off without a care - then it's starting to cross the line. And this week, bossman did an amazing job with me. He killed all the loyalty I've had for the company and for him over the years even when I was outside the organisation, I only sang praises of the stuff 'we' could do. If someone had a business interest and if I could, I'd sell bossman to the fooking max man - stupid loyal dog that I am.

Well I also learnt this week, that loyalty is an archaic trait to possess.

Nobody gives a fooking shit about loyalty these days. I learnt that in my marriage. That contract presumes that both parties remain explicitly loyal to each other - haahahahahha watch me laughing my big fat ass off - we all know where that went or rather continues to drag on with. And in the working world I've learnt countless times this to be true, but I am rather the loyalist, blame it on the genes or whatever but I've to learn this disloyal attitude, it apparently is what works with people these days ... SHEEZ!!

So after this revelation, I'm wondering what the fook am I still doing here, because another important lesson I learnt from all this is when someone feels that they are doing you a favour (well in their minds at least) then it's their right to treat you like crap over and over again and they don't need to feel bad about it, because you owe them that much. Or so it goes ... and being the fooked up salary slave I am trying to stretch me Ringgits as far as it can go - and since I ain't Bumiputra and cannot look forward to ASN, ASB and whatever other fund out there that pays sinful amounts of dividends annually and no deep pockets hubby, lover or sugar daddy in sight, pretty much tells you am fooked to the max here. Can't leave, I need the money, can't stay because someone fooking killed it for me the other day.

So in all that turmoil, I had another few other bits killing me on the side. And one of it being my annual pap smear. Doctor Lady was not happy with how me feminine bits looked up close and personal. So some extra tissue samples, some extra swabbing, some extra bit of everything and some very discomforting medication, I had another 2 weeks of waiting for all those test results to come back. Aside from the visible to Dr. Lady's eye Cervical Erosion (WTF is that especially when those bits of me have not seen no action so long me forgot they bits existed ahahhahahahaha **SIGH**), there were some ulcer like thingamajics ... now being .ani and being the information phreak I am, I had to go read about it ... needless to say, I know what can be done for Cervical Erosion, but these ulcers ... jeepers what in heavens name were they about.

Well for starters, .ani has been told that I do not have the Big C of the Cervix - now if that's not news for rejoicing then I dunno what you sorry souls think is worth rejoicing about. Means this lioness is still alive and kicking for whatever it's worth!! **yipppeeeeee yaa yaa dippity dooooooo** - yup I ain't been done it by the Big C just yet so am happy ... this is Sliver #2 for me :)

I mean nothing they found points to cancer, but the ulcers are still there, and am on some funky monkey type mix of medications (if you see me with a moustache next time please don't laugh). Dr Lady says, this could be due to extreme stress - Now You Don't Say (gives evil eye to bossman who is the perenial cause of me extreme stress and fluctuating BP) and hopefully with these long course of medications, things clear up and she tells me, ease up on the stress girl you're just 37 (ahahhahaha I nod very earnestly at this while thinking how I wish it was as easily accomplished as said!).

Dr Lady also tell me that such ulcers and possible future infections could cause severe harm to my baby should I get pregnant (AIIYOOOOOOOOOOOO does my lack of a sex life need to be so blantantly rubbed into my face???) to which I said, well that's not likely to happen in this lifetime. I mean really now, I am 37, I am still apparently married to one Jacob, I have no known or unknown partner in fact there isn't a single homosapien male specie within 10km radius of me that's even remotely aware .ani is female - so really - there be no more babies coming forth from my feminine bits ... that's a closed shop there! ahhahahaha ok ok info overload - **shut up .ani**

Whilst chatting with Dr Lady who was the O&G for me Ashna and Kasha, I mentioned this increasingly unnerving pains in my lower back which we established in 2004 as L5 displaced. So she sends me along to see the Orthoman - a very nice man. The first Ortho who's looked at me and not told me the pain is all in my mind and it's because I am obese (yeah for all those men who imagine .ani to be some babe, according to Ortho's me is a BABE as in the little pink porkster from Babe in the City fame) and that's the end of their examination of me despite the obvious X-ray showing L5 sticking out rather menacingly. One told me to come back if I ever felt shooting pains down my leg or numbness - you can fooking tell such opinions left me numb to seeking help.

But Orthoman, a very fatherly man carefully explained causes and possibilities, made me do some basic tests and man at times the pain was unbearable. So we've got a MRI and some X-rays next Friday to see what's happening with me creaky knees and my wonky back - because to live in such constant mind numbing pain is no fun. I can only imagine what me Gramma with her rheumatoid arthiritis is going through - the 100X more pain even with medications.

So Sliver #3 is meeting Orthoman who has taken me pain seriously enough to suggest the next course of action - this been pain I have been suffering 8 years since Ashna's birth ... time to find a solution me thinks. It's going to cost me a bomb no doubt next Friday - but if it means some relief can be found, then me is all for it, after all I need to be moving till I'm 60 remember :)) It's the weekend. It's time for me to head home and rejoice with me babies that mommy feels like a second lease of life for now :)) and who gives a fook what bossman says or thinks of me, I know what I'm made off and that all that really matters.

Me and the Big G in the sky ... we're still buddies and that's always Sliver #4 :))

~~.ani says Happy Weekend everyone~~

8 October 2008

Reflective Mood ... Oct 08, 2008

When I saw this amazing shot, immediately I felt a likeness to this lioness. Although what her reasons for this particular pose I cannot imagine, but in her pensive seemingly waiting state, I find myself.

I used to be known as ani Lioness of the Rainforest back when Geocities chat had interesting rooms and my first foray to online chatting. Most of the friendships made way back in 1996 have withstood the tests of time and distances that separate us.

Such amazing friendships that even now as I sit here contemplating my ever tumultous existence, I feel the love and concern that only genuine friendships accord you.

Anyways, being a Leo, I often associate myself as the lioness, caring and protective of those I love and who mean something to me.

The years have not been smooth sailing for as long as I can remember. But being single and on my own before the children did not feel half as rotten as it does now. Because I am always in a constant struggle to try and find ways to keep head afloat and provide a life for my 2 girls that we will look back on fondly. Not as a phase in our lives that we'd like to disassociate ourselves from.

I showed this shot to some friends and all of them seemed to relate to the waiting pensive look of the lioness. It would seem all of us seem to be in some form of a limbo. And there's an expectant yearning for something to happen that would turn our mundane into something that sends the blood racing ... but there's nothing!

Politically nothing worth paying attention to. Anwar continues his 'transition of power' mind play, Pak Lah continues with his will I or won't I vacate and let someone else take the crap that this country has gone to. I have gotten sick of politicians and their bullshit. With the way the cost of living is skyrocketing, I am more concerned how am I going to manage till the end of the month that who next is Premier ... that will happen when it happens and then let's see where it all heads to.

Divorce wise - another stalemate. The Aug 20th 'hearing' date came and went with the judge being off as it was "cuti sekolah" ... nice to know they have family time, while I wait to have that clean break which allows me to say I am divorced with conviction. I am Separated (6 yrs - yes you heard me right) just doesn't cut it for me anymore ... close old chapters; open new ones ... life is passing without taking a pause to asking me where I want to be heading. Meeting Jacob for that 'settlement' discussion also a stalemate - I guess when someone has convinced themselves we don't exist - it's hard for them to realise they still have obligations to the children they fathered. And so I wait .. wait .. and wait. I know Jacob has his whole new family all well running 'wife'... 'child' ... super - I am happy he's got something going but errr excuse me, let's tie loose ends here.

Me and my literary foray. I write here to keep the words flowing. Not like I make any sense to anyone let alone myself at times, but let the words flow and eventually I hope to find my style of writing and eventually put together all those words and make it my own best seller, a page turner for those who picked it up. But for now, I am remain merely a rambling blogger not even with a following of readers. Perhaps I am really not a good writer at all - one of those wannabe trash type churners - YIKES!!! Cannot be, I know I can write and I can write it well ... just need to find my style and be comfortable with it ... and so there we remain in a literary limbo .... *sigh*

My long overdue chat with Art (I love ya babe!!) I found out he's moving to London. Ahaaa it seems timely to chuck everything I am doing now and go hole up with Art and both of us loveless sexless sistahs should get together and search for jobs ... with Art being in London, I feel hope. Art has and always will be someone who totally put me at ease from all the insanities of the world I face. I miss our Bangkok days, sitting on the balcony of his tiny apartment overlooking some murky Bangkok 'river' and the the river taxis sipping mint tea by the pot loads just barring soul to each other.

And Art reminds me that I need to just take the plunge, the risk and stop being held back with all the excuses I come up with for not just taking this walk on the road never travelled let alone less travelled and find myself in possibilities that could change my whole existence positively .... and that positivity would trickle into Ashna and Kasha's and we'd be closer to getting where we want to be instead of worrying of the what if, maybe and perhaps... I hear Art loud and clear. If anyone knew me well, I would think Art has seen my soul with no covers or pretense ... I feel no need to be anyone but myself raw and uncensored when I am with Art ... these years of not sharing pots of mint tea has taken a toll on me ... I am probably at my lowest point now, perhaps the lowest has yet to come ...

Having said that, I am pensively waiting for some test results after a planned check up with my O&G. Not very heartening news. And as I wait, I try to remain in positive spirits that the results will come back negative, and all will be status quo. Life will continue as it has and no more dramas. But one side of me sub-consciously has been thinking, what if ... then how will I face the facts and how will I utilise the time I have left. The faces of my 2 babies keeps coming up and I find myself again in a state of agitation and pensive waiting.

Nope I'm ready to go anywhere just yet. I will sign a contract with the Devil, if he will give me another 23 years - I am only asking for this nothing else ... 23 more years to be able to work and earn money that will see my girls through their first degree and first job ... after that the Devil is free to call his favour back. Such contracts one does not sign with the big G in the sky aka God, only the Devil will give you something you want so badly to then take everything away in a single unexpected blow, and hence if it comes to that, I will wager my life to the Dark One ... I must be here for that long ... Pessimistic? Perhaps ... but ani has to look within myself to find my strength to face more of the challenges that lie ahead.

Jacob probably gave me the only compliment as he was to leave, which was that he knew no matter what, I was not the kind to roll over and die - aaa well Jacob, thank you for that much - because in acknowledging that perhaps you feel less guilty about walking away from your responsibilities to the girls ... because you left them in good hands you think? But my dear you forget I am mortal, not one of the Gods blessed with immortality and in being mortal, sometimes life is snuffed out before it even begins to fledge it's wings.

I was never afraid of death, but now I worry it might come upon me too soon before I can give my girls their start to life ... perhaps in being a mother, I worry more because had I been as the Malays say "Sebatang Kara" - like lonely driftwood perhaps is the closest imagery I can conjour, I'd not have cared when Hades met me around the next corner. But now, I have to avoid this accidental meeting, because I have too much more on my plate to finish before Hades can claim me.

And so the lioness, sits thinking, looking, wondering and yet in many ways already acutely aware of what needs to be done next in order for the survival of her young and herself. Life is funny, I think when you are a mommy, life and the desire to live takes a whole new meaning ... until then the lioness will think, plan, and execute what will ensure her young live strong and good lives ...

~paw to paw .ani watches the horizon...~