Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

30 March 2008

I Feel Slighted ... Mar 30, 2008

I am feeling a little slighted lately. And honestly this is not something I should be bothered about. But it all comes down again to the misplaced popularity badge people attach to me and then for some reason when their liaisons with me seem not to give them the mileage they crave or desire they unceremoniously dump me.

Lately I found that I've been unceremoniously dumped from a number of so called 'friends' I'd made on a network called NUKKAD. Now I really enjoyed the interactions here in my early days on the network. I've actually left it now, because I (and perhaps it's a case of dented ego - if i possessed one to begin with) felt I was amongst people who called you sweets and darling and doll and my best mate and sister and ya da ya da ya da when they felt somehow that would increased their own presence of being.

I mean I am a self confessed net addict. I am online almost all the time. If sleep and other commitments did not come in the way, I'd be surfing writing chatting endlessly - but I am conscious that this online existence has made me somewhat of a recluse as far as social interactions are concerned.

Sure, I am actively interacting online with people I have called friend. And I think I really must learn to be less giving of my 'friendship' in the future. I always seem to make this mistake in assuming that everyone else is like me. When I call you friend, means I care for you. I am very concerned about you and your well-being. I will fight dragons if there were any to be found, if it mattered that much to my friend's happiness.

It would seem that in return, I get hurt when people who seemed to want my company in stealth silence drop me like a rotten egg and ignore my attempts at conversation. I mean YES I know damn well the world does not revolve around me - I've never been that delusional.

But it hurts. When someone drops you for no rhyme or reason it hurts. Even if all this person is, is someone I called friend. Because inevitably it reminds me of the hurt at being dropped by the ones I loved. Perhaps the one time I on my own dropped someone rather shockingly for that person was me calling it quits with Woody. And the sole reason I did that was I knew I had too much baggage from my past to even begin laying any foundation for a future here. I owe Woody an apology I am sure. But sometimes it's best to let things be.

Since the end of that, I have tried my darnest to clean up my past baggage - to no avail as far as Jacob and his idiotic attitude towards the divorce. That aside, I have kept busy with work. Stayed away consciously from getting close to any men - avoiding potential trouble is how I see it. I am not ready for anything more serious than a laugh and a cup of coffee.

But why am I slighted that so called friends dropped me? I dunno maybe it's an hormonal induced sensitivity. Especially when these days, I hardly care anymore if people like me or don't. Perhaps the only arguement I can put forth here was that I'd again made the damn mistake of thinking, they meant they friendship. Instead it was a liaison of convenience and now I no longer serve a purpose, hence am axed out. Not even a ciao mate I am moving on type adieu ... well I suppose in their minds I am not worth even that.

Perhaps that's a reason, rather than interact with people, I rather play games on Facebook, write here about my thoughts. I can rant, rave, ramble ... no one cares, why should I?? Spend my hours driving to and from work speaking monologues to figment of my imagination type friends ... man do I sound like I am heading on a one way ticket to loonyville??? Perhaps I am.

People constantly disappoint me. And since I have this fear that perhaps I am the self destructing agent that makes them do this to me ... I am withdrawing from society. Withdrawing into a shell that I worked hard to come out from. After years of withdrawing into my own cocoon type world during my Jacob years and later in my shortlived Jaan years ... I tried to find my way back to social interactions.

But I think, my journey which has been peppered with so much pain and trials has left a bitter taste in my mouth for me to even bother to be show any social graces anymore. If you see me animatedly talking or laughing with someone, it is usually a someone who accepts me obnoxious as much as they accept me when I am caring and helpful. These are such a rare commodity and yet I do not make the effort.

I crave an honesty and simplicity in my interactions which is usually rare in the pretense world we live in today. If you're not something worth leveraging on, nobody even cares if you lay dying in a gutter. And I have nothing for people to leverage off, hence I am expandable on their friendship list. If they think I can do something for them, it's all honey and sweetness and gushing. Once the deed is done, splat gone!

Constantly I battle myself too. I refuse to allow myself to be one of the crowd of fakes. I prefer to stand my ground and remain true to my destination. But I am learning that in being true to one's self, one alienates one self from society. People see you a freaky uncool. It's not all that bad although when I want company, there is none to be found.

I'm going through my Friendster list, my Facebook list, my YM list, my MSN list, my RYZE list, and even my mobile list and if the last time I heard from that person was because I initiated the conversation and post that nothing has been heard or seen, then it's time to just well disassociated myself from them.

I must say my list is slowly shrinking. Some its hard... I believed there was more to their interactions with me, actual real friendship ... and it's painful to accept that really only I was the one who put so much weight to that interaction. To them I was yet another pass time.

I'm more than anyone's time pass. If that's all I am then I rather not be in that circle. I guess I better get used to my solitary existence. The men and women I meet, makes me realise I am doing alright on my own why jinx it. I find genuineness lacking in people these days. It's all about what I can get out of this person for my own self gain - be it sex, money, position, power - none of which I am any good at or have.

After spending so many years being the gullible ass because I inadvertently made the same mistake of trusting that people were like me, I am now just wary of people. Judging that I also only seem to attract the weirdo type men - has made me a total disbeliever in there being true love especially in my context. Now when a guy tries to chat me up - I tell him point blank if he wants sex to look elsewhere. If he wants someone to have a conversation with then maybe I might be useful.

So to any man reading this - if you tell me I have a beautiful smile, am hot, am intelligent, you're amazed at my perseverance at life - I will laugh so loud and hard you'd think I'd lost my marbles. If that's your best pick up line - sorry no go. I've heard it from every race on this planet, its not even funny anymore.

So okay, people are removing me from their list of friends - perhaps they are doing me the favour of having to weed them out from my cluttered lists ... I guess that's the way to approach things. I was the flavour of the month and now I am not ... ahah sounds like I'm always a passing flavour of the month never here to stay.

Sigh ... I guess I'm more slighted from the fact that I even allowed myself to feel slighted :)) ... I mean I had to accept that I am human after all susceptible to feeling left out and unwanted no matter how I steel my heart to not allow such setbacks to effect me, they do when I least expect it. And I am reminded all too clearly at how alone amidst crowds I am. Am often like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole - totally useless endeavour and pointless as well but I end up there somehow probably propelled by the need for mind stimulating company.

In my imperfections, I keep myself company. Finding paths and ways to get to my end destination. I fail more often than I succeed. I feel low and beaten and then I tell myself .ani pick yourself up girl, no one else gives a hoot. You are the driver of your own destiny, depend on no one. And so I continue, in this exponentially expanding sense of alienation from everything and everyone ... I guess I'm just not a likeable person, but knowing it to be so, I withdraw so as to limit my faux paus existence from effecting the circle of life.

It's ok. I'll come to terms with this setback as well. I have blogsite and I have fingers still that can churn out the words in my heart and mind. I remain incoherent even to myself at times and criticizingly coherent as well.

Q1 of 2008 is coming to a close. 9 more months of this year to make efforts to take my life on a flight of living... am sure I will eventually get to my destination. In the mean time, it's a matter of coming to terms with the setbacks and getting over the pain. Am sure it makes me a stronger person even if nobody else thinks so..

In the end, what matters is do I like me ... yes? Yes!

28 March 2008

The Comedy of Being Mar 28, 2008

It has always made me smile at the sense of comedy our existence in this world holds for each of us, usually in individually and at times as a collective.

I find it extremely interesting that people who blog, somehow believe in the preservation of their anonymity more so when their blog(s) are peppered with images, references to mutually known people and still somehow convince themselves that they remain an enigma to those who stop to read their rants, raves, ramblings.

Personally I have long ago dispelled this notion. I found strangers dropping me notes about an entry I might have made that seemed to have some effect either negative or positive to their well-being. I have found that people I know are also prone to 'web-stalking' me and thus I believe there is no such thing as an anonymity preserved ... DEAL with the fact that someone out there is going to know you from Adam somehow.

My blogs are a no holds barred type online diary for me ... something I got more serious about early 2006 although from as early as 1996 when I first came into this online phenomenon, I've been a WYSIWYG type girl. I write what I think, what I feel. My language at most times is not for the pansies and pretenders :)) ... I call a prick a prick as much as I call a spade a spade :)


All it means is that if I take anything seriously enough, I talk about it. Sometimes it seems I am talking to myself .. other times to the unknown audience ... but I care about 2 hoots maybe less if you think me any lesser for my vulnerabilities as much for my strengths. Coming to the terms with the fact that everyone has an opinion and most often in total contention with mine has made my angst over the years less and my gastric is not in reflux mode so often these days *ehehehhe*

Most often the comment I get is people already know me even before they meet me in person. I am apparently transparent. OK..... if you say so. I dunno. Am I?? I think most of the time I am in some paradoxical flux that it's hard to say really is this the real me or not. I read the other day an interesting quote ... I have to share it with you ...
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. -Francois, duc de La Rochefoucauld, moralist (1613-1680)
Now here we are ... with something that makes absolute sense to me. Does it to you in anyway? ... All of us in our interactions social or professional tend to carry images of what we want to be seen as and work damn hard to transfer this belief over to the other person.

What is most interesting about this is often this is a guise, a portrayal of the person we subconsciously aspire to be. What is more interesting is, prolonged exposure to such allusions of character, we soon convince ourselves this is me. The Truest form of me.

The danger in all of this is naturally the fact that the other person if they have 2 peas between their brain might have concluded that all this presentation of you is actually a total misrepresentation of the truth - that is dangerous and in an odd way sad.

Because then you look like you're trying too hard to be seen as someone you can only aspire to be but in reality never achieve. Having said this however, it is possible that you actually manage to 'fool' everyone around you with your charade and many faces.

Then comes this other question. When you look at yourself in the mirror - who is it that looks back at you? You without the myriad of masks you have accustomed to deck yourself with or you in one of the many roles you carry? Do you ever find yourself disconcerted with the fact that someone might be unto you and your disguises?

I dunno. I lived a part of my life in a denial of some of the misadventures that I'd experienced along this journey. Then I began to accept and acknowledge that some of these misadventures were part of a bigger picture to where I am heading to as a person. Of late, as boring as I might end up sound or being, I've decided to shed any form of pretense from my interactions.

I make no bones about being me. Rude obnoxious to some, others find me wholesomely real ... some like me. Others don't. I am not about to take a shotgun to their heads and demand that they put me on some pedestal and worship my being. PUHHHLLLEEEZZZZZ!

Actually I am in some ways happy when people just leave me alone to my ramblings. The current preoccupation in my mind in my alone moments ... is the potential of fictionalising my life. I swear the number of misadventures I've had along with that of my family and loved ones - there's a wonderful opportunity to Booker Prize, Academy Award type material here to be exploited.

I've this odd idea that if one day someone put me on a stage with just one dim light casting shadows across the expanse of the stage, I'd talk my life through in a monologue interspersed with Lady Macbeth type soliloquies, voice variations of the various characters that have peppered my life and the audience would not be able to discern truth from fiction ... because the inter relativity of reality and fiction is seamless.

Hush! Enough of my rambling here ... what was the original point?

Oh yeah disguises and the eventuality that we are in ourselves fooled by these guises we initially had control over. I then choose to be undisguised. Transparent perhaps to an extent. That makes me seem gullible and simpleton. Perhaps I am. I have no false notions of being street smart like some others I know and least of all I don't even pretend to be so ... no point.

But the one thing I have come to acknowledge ... that in this curiously trial ridden existence there is indeed a Comedy of Being ... in being you or me or whoever our disillusioned minds tell us we are ...

What says you??

25 March 2008

.ani Original Quotes Mar 25, 2008

  1. Smiling in adversity confuses your detractors
  2. Alive and kicking that a good way to be
  3. When shit hits the fan, step out of the room before you turn it on
  4. If my words prick your conscience that proves you're human after all
  5. I can say No is as many ways but it remains resolutely NO!
  6. I am alive and kicking, there's a pulse still ticking
  7. Here I am in my misplaced trust in humanity
  8. With change being the only constant - embrace it or get left behind!
  9. Don't swim with the predators if you're fish food
  10. Give me not adoring fans but lifelong friends
Ok some really corny lines here ... but it was one of those inspired moments *grin* ....

13 March 2008

Sanity Plea Mar 13, 2008

(only Malaysians will understand this rant)


  • forwarding me smses that tell me there's a racial riot just waiting to break out and to pass it on to another 20 hysterical prone friends of Indian origin
  • forwarding emails of the purported UMNO Youth demonstration at the toll booth (PLEASE state which of the gezillion they will be at if you must!!) and stop telling me as an Indian to avoid toll booths at all cost if I value my life - since the intention is yet another racial clash where again Indians are the target. (How do you propose I get to work from Seremban to Tropicana - then? swim?? fly??)
  • forwarding me Samy Velu's 'resume' and latest on the job pictures on a steamroller, head sticking out of a toll booth - the man probably was a sad excuse of Indian representation but enough said in the last 34 yrs - let him go find his new calling minus your assistance
  • forwarding sms and emails of documents being destroyed by outgoing state heads - purportedly stopped by incoming champions of the people (some of those pictures are so tiny it could be my own office shredder for God's sake!)

    Just some of the reasons now
  • when I check my mailbox, I just select all delete - I don't even read it anymore
  • given up following links to Opposition endorsed websites and videoclips
  • stopped reading the newspapers several years back

    Send me good news like how oil prices in the 5 Opposition held states has gone down 50sen (yes better believe it!!!) but before you pack to move, read the fine print - it says Cap Kapak, Minyak Telon and the likes *ehehehehhehe*

    or send me news where PDRM have waived all summons from 2006 till March 8th 2008 - that be about 8 of mine which will save me approx RM2400 - that's good news to me.. not avoiding tolls for Pete's sake!

    I dunno about the rest of you ... but I'd like to see all promises from all sides made realities - so stop spreading scary worrying rumours ...

    even if I can't stand the IGP but I have to say, all these rumour mongerers be they BN or BA should be locked away and the keys thrown away - so that the workers and the people who put them there can get down to the business of making Malaysia truly equal for each and everyone of us.

    When will I be able to fill in my forms and say Bangsa:Malaysia

  • 5 March 2008

    Election Fever 2008 Mar 06, 2008

    We're two days away from another milestone in Malaysian history. The most talked about General Elections to date.

    In 50 years of Independence and Nationhood, this 12th General Elections will see an interesting array and display of self promotion, political bigotry and wool pulling over the eyes of the 'rakyat' once again by all parties standing for State and Parlimentary seats.

    The Opposition - remain as always a fragmented lot, braying and posturing and name calling and demanding change of Government - give them a chance, deny BN the 2/3 majority.

    The Government remains their assholic cocky selves ...

    This nation is heading into strange times ...

    Open any newspaper, TV or Radio station, ... all you hear is Vote for Malaysia, Vote Barisan National. Really now ... does not Barisan National (mean in direct translation National Line) / National Front or what it means is a representation of the rakyat whatever race colour or creed?

    Then somebody please tell me ... why is it that where I live and in most places anyways all you see is the BN blue with the UMNO flag ... where are the flags of the other component parties?? Oh is it because the view is BN is UMNO and UNMO is BN ... a comfortable unquestionable right because apparently they are the majority.

    How is it that suddenly Paroi Jaya which has always come under Ampangan Parlimentary seat suddenly this year finds itself under Rembau - errr isn't the PM's most ambitious son-inlaw standing for Rembau Parlimentary seat??? Ironic but true.

    The governments amazing display of clout over the mass media is repungent! It makes me sick. It's a bloody overkill to the thinking person. And what contrite scripted words we hear ... I wonder if the 'rakyat' in those ads actually believe what they are saying or are they once done choking over the mockery they made of themselves and for this nation... I won't call all those ads lies ... but really - we are not in UTOPIA last I checked - just Malaysia where people of this country are now voicing out their unhappiness at the disparity that has set in over the last 50 years ...

    Now if you open your email - heaven forbid! I get in the 10s if not 100s emails and links to websites and YouTube and whatever other channels the opposition can find to deliver they message of 'HOPE' for a better tomorrow.

    Again, I feel ill. If it ain't the Government lashing out at the Opposition, it's the Opposition lashing out at the Government ... ya da ya da ya da ... more of the same old rehashed, repackaged, redelivered to the masses ... same shit, just extra shine!

    There's PAS ... hmmm Islamic party ... right right ... this is a multi racial multi religious country. The so called moderate Government itself has shown some alarming disregard to this mutli facets of our nation - will an all Islamic party give much hope to the non-Muslims here? We are left to wonder.

    DAP the rocket fellows ... too bad they didn;t get to pick the man who went into space - that would have been superbly beneficial to their campaign I am sure!! But recent in party struggles have left them a little more in shambles and being predominantly Chinese - I dunno if Lim Kit Siang will ever be PM of this country ... but I am damn sure he's far more interesting to see or hear than our current one who has earned the label sleeping beauty for his countless faux paus nod offs in the public arena.

    And the new PKR with chameleon Anwar at the helm ... YEE GAWD! I have absolutely no faith in this man! From pro-Islamic, to pro-Kemelayuan to now Champion of the People ???? Can he please get his act together??

    I go back to the days when Anwar first made his political presence felt and from the first day as a child I laid eyes on him - I hated him! He gave me scary shivers down my spine. Even today, when I see him (and I've had the misfortune of walking into him and the paparazzi in the days before the official opening of KLIA way back in '98) - he still gives me the shivers. To me Anwar is like looking into the eyes of the devil himself ...

    What an amazing illusionist! What amazing drama we have seen unfold. Such political savvy and timing ... more scandals rock this already scandal ridden political stage ... and look at the supporters ... look at the overwhelming believe that this man is going to change our lives our tomorrows ... our as in all of us ... be you Malay (which is a given) Chinese or Indian (errrr really now???)

    Emails hit me telling me I am an Indian and my vote makes a difference to our Indian tomorrows as Malaysian Indians. Vote wisely, deny BN 2/3 ... give Change a Chance ...

    But somebody phreaking tell me ... where is the Indian Party that I can support? That I can have my faith in to make waves for all the Indians who call Malaysia home!!! An Indian Party that takes educated Indians who speak eloquently, with a good grasp of the subject matter at hand and who are REALLY REALLY REALLY dedicated to improving the overall average 'macha' on the street's life and future.

    I don't want another Mr. Hisap Dada with his pathetic comb over bad hair implant hairdo! Who still sounds after this many years like he just bloody stepped off a boat from Chennai or Madurai or wherever he's originally from ... but Indian leaders who make it their moral responsibility to really move the Indian majority away from their squalor (although why these remain where they are is ANOTHER story all together!!). Our Hindraf boys - if the rumour circulating about some of them is true ... one corrupt out a few more to replace him .. again same shit, new shine!

    SO ... who gets this extremely fed up tax paying, never seen any returns of any kind because I ain't Bumi, I ain't Muslim, I ain't even the descendant of colonisers (amazingly they get some benefits that I don't!) vote?

    Honestly, I dunno ... it's from the pan into the fire, between the devil and the deep blue sea at this stage ... I want change. I want more equality amongst the races. I want to see politicians put their words into action - since usually the only time we actually see them actively shaking hands and getting to know the rakyat is about once every 3-5 years depending when elections are called - then suddenly everyone is available to be met and spoken to and most concerned about the grievances of the rakyat.

    Come 9th March - when victory is handed to whichever the Government coalition, or the Opposition's most disunited coalition - they still haven't decided who is going to be PM if they win. Their manifesto leaves me asking more questions than answering those I already have ... all these very visible on the ground politicians will return to their ivory towers.

    They fooled the rakyat for yet another term ... where we pay the taxes for them to enjoy another tenure of whatever ...

    The view outside my window from the 12th floor this morning is hazy. And it is almost a reflection of how I see my future in this country ... hazy, no light just yet at the end of the tunnel. Being Indian, being a single mother raising 2 daughters I am worried, restless and anxious.

    My vote may be 1 in the millions cast on the 8th of March - but my vote will be a voice, a small contributor to the deciding balance of who champions Malaysia for the next 3-5 years and if really changes will take place.

    Be it BN, be it Opposition - somebody better put they money on their words and turn promises into realities - or else your people will continue to lose faith in those they entrust with their futures.

    Yes Malaysia - wake up bright and early, head to your polling stations and cast your vote for who you believe will deliver a truly integrated Malaysia of diversity of peoples culture and religion - where if only once we might finally hear the tagline for this nation being Malaysia - we truly appreciate our diversity and that painful word of tolerance we've had to put up with for the last 50 years is forever buried!

    I don't tolerate anyone, I either appreciate them or discard them ... :) - what is your pick on this?