Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

29 July 2008

Cruising ... Jul 29, 2008

You can see here the regular kinda readings on my speedometer ... boredom of long work drives daily have made me have scant regard for speed limits.

This is about 10pm at night along the ELITE highway heading home. No cops are on this road at that hour even if there are they are too busy pulling over lorries - better coffee money to be made am sure.

In the mornings, the needle could go way past 160 *ehehhe*

Now before you think I drive a Ferrari or something, I just own a very mommy mobile ok ... a Kia Rio 1.3A

So you might now be wondering WTF is wrong with this auntie ... like I said this is the result of 200km/day type drives.

And to think up until 2002, I was petrified to drive let alone get myself a drivers license. 6 years on, I have chalked up about in total some 350K kilometers of driving. My baby Charles himself has his odometer read some 217K and then there's driving mom's car, sister's car and for 3 short months when I chalked up 20k km on Jacob's Waja ... haahha GOD! That's a lot of driving for someone who the very thought of sitting behind of the wheel made me break out into panic sweat and get all queasy and faint.

Hahahha reminds me of my very very first time driving home from Tropicana to Seremban very much still in a daze from Jacob's walk-out. My sis was working that weekend and she said take my Kembara and head home on your own .ani.

Sounded easy enough. I mean I'd worked up the nerve to drive from Bukit Antarabangsa to Darby Park (drop sister off) back through Lebuhraya Mahameru via Sprint into Tropicana and same route in the evenings to pick sister up. So hey I knew how to head home from Tropicana via the ELITE.

And this is where false bravado turns into misadventure. 6:30pm I drove out of parking lot down to Damansara exit. I got to the toll took my ticket and then for some unexplainable reason instead of heading left towards Subang (NKVE) I went straight heading towards Sg. Buloh - haahhaha GOD! By the time this great mistake registered in my brain I'd gone left at that fork and the Sg. Buloh R&R was looming ahead of me.

Panic, cold sweat, tummy queasy - you name it I had it. Shits why was I heading north not south. I guess the mind had been wrapped up in the dazed shock to comprehend what I was doing. And one thing I realised is when mind is not clear and panic sets in, the brain is totally incapable of making quick decisions.

Ended up the Kembara kept heading past the R&R. Then I pulled over to the side of the road and had to tell myself to think. This was uncharted territory for me ... had never driven north, only been a passenger heading to Teluk Intan to the inlaws. AARRGHHHHHHHHHHHH and they were the last people I want to be heading towards at that time.

I saw a left to Sg. Buloh - wonderful! another place I'd never entered in my lifetime ... went through the town, past that then infamous supermarket, did a U-turn and started back-tracking ... suddenly I was again at some toll booth but wait this Damansara did not look like the one I'd exited. ALAMAK!

WTF was I now? Huge trailer in front, huge trailer behind and one on either side ... great boxed in and lost. When I remember that evening now, I crack up but back then it was major crisis not knowing where I was and how to get home.

Finally a signboard and the roads looked familiar somewhat from those times as passenger and somehow I managed to in a totally round about way find myself on KL Seremban Highway (Sg. Besi) - YAY I see the light ...

But in those days my 'top speed' would have been a conservative 70km/hr and to make things worse it started to piss down just as I exited Sg. Besi toll. This was all not going my way was it? Oh and by the way it was already close to 8pm (laugh not at me ok - I admit I was real bad then).

So there I was on the left most lane, doing 60km/hr in the pouring rain willing myself not to stop and burst into tears ... well I'd already burst into tears much earlier and still had some running down my cheeks. Not too sure if those were tears about the misadventure drive or just from the fact that in those early days of the separation tears were often there without invite.

Finally after all that misadventures, I arrived at my front gate about 9.30pm ... mind you that must have been the longest ever drive back to Seremban. Everyone in the house had gotten worried, and laughed so much when I finally told them what had transpired.

3 freaking hours - ahahhahaa now I drive from Seremban to Ipoh in less time. All my passengers tend to get in and fall asleep. So with nothing else to do, I cruise along and it means in less than 8 hours, I can drive up to Ipoh, visit and drive home .. what a little confidence can do for you.

Needless to say you have to see my summons outstanding currently ... 6 summons amounting to RM1350 all for speeding heehhe OUCH! Bad girl I am ...

Looking at me, people always make fun and say I am one of those auntie type road hogs *kih kih kih* ... how wrong they are. I might have been one in the early days but after about 3 months of non-stop driving I got bored doing the speed limit ... I love my car and being on the road and I know how Charles is on the road ... so if Charles is unwell, .ani drives more conservatively ... but when Charles is in good health there's just no holding me and my wheels from kicking up dust as we zoom by ...

For a 1.3A he's got pretty good pick-up and once he's rolling he hates those sudden brake situations especially climbing uphill - then he gets a little embarrassed trying to shift gears back into cruising mode ... *sigh* that's because Charles and me are thinking we're big engine cars eheheheh - we can be small but we dream big.

Happy cruising everyone ... I've come a long way from being a petrified driver epitomising the 'aiya lady driver' cliche ... so don't you be messing with Charles and me on the road, give us some respect! :))

27 July 2008

Women of The World Jul 27, 2008

Alicia Keys sings it for us - we are all Superwoman in our own right. Keep at it girlfriends ...

Follow this link for the awesome video of this song ... Video

26 July 2008

Do You Like This? Jul 26, 2008

Who the Fu*k is lex-X???

Ever heard of this group or their music? ... give a listen and tell me what you think :)

Turbulent Trinity ... Jul 26, 2008

Lately I have been getting "whacked" for my lack of political perspective in view of our current sad state of affairs. Nobody has faith in anybody currently in power. Some believe the saviour to this malady is Anwar whose image is rather interestingly peppered with all sorts of accusations and counter accusations. Some believe Anwar is the devil himself. I personally only know that there is nobody I trust to lead this country anymore.. The paralysis of that acknowledgment has left me rather restless and despondent wondering how to improve my personal lot.

A tad self centered I know but seeing as on the political front that's acceptable and generally most people don't give a fook about others and it works for them ... I think a little it's all about me is not going to dramatically effect the fine balance of the universe.

Anyways, why the header of this post and if not mistaken I have previously blogged about this somewhere or perhaps responded to it on some forum somewhere. ( and yes PG-18 M I have a lot of rant in me!)

The dynamics of people interaction never ceases to amaze me. At times I am of the opinion I should keep my trap shut, the incoherency of my thoughts to myself and let slide what someone else is saying which obviously touches a nerve with me. But I fail miserably. Hahaha God having bestowed me with a somewhat working thinking brain and an obvious obsession to knowledge sharing, I jump into conversations free willy like and either am carried by the waves of acceptance or pummeled by the crest of descent and disagreement.

Hence, I try really hard to avoid conversations on the turbulent trinity - sex, politics and religion. But the damn thing is that inevitably one or all three will make an uninvited appearance when you least expect and everything that was going jolly jolly turns tense and flared.

I have seen perfectly happy gatherings turn into heated conversations that end up leaving a taste worse than bile in the mouth, metallic and repulsive and tight bonds lay frayed and mending is often something people are hesitant to willingly embark. The divide grows deeper and a death knoll subconsciously is heard.

Of late everyone is blogging about the sad state of affairs of politics in this country. Then the politicians decided to pull the racial card and when you do that, the religion card gets pulled up too and then supremacy of religions will be the next issue. Already sexual perversions and preferences and extra-marital liaisons pepper the news daily ...

Now one would think that these are all out there not really of any consequence to us at a micro level ... but ahaaaa how wrong we are. This lethal cocktail dribbles into the cracks and crevices of our existence and is shared, loyalties demanded and tempers flare and blood pressure rises ... and forgotten are the stupid politicians that were the catalysts like misadventures in a chemistry lab period. People are lunging at each other. Decency is forgotten. Supremacy of thought is now reduced to the primal instinct of survival.

I have some strong thoughts on the turbulent trinity myself. But I am quick to admit I am no theologian politician or sex therapist. Hence it is best to not take my word as gospel truth. Please feel free to disagree with me but if I am not biting your bait to prove to your injured ego anything you wish to affirm to your own conscience - leave me be. It means I have concluded that the discussion is spiraling downwards into ego preserving motives and therefore it is best now for me to find first exit and move along.

Perhaps the other person finds me iffy, perspective-less, ill informed, hot air only - it might have worried me before more than it does these days. Because largely I come to realise there is never 1 right carved in stone frame of mind or idea. And if someone becomes frothy at the mouth insisting to convert me to something they hold as gospel truth, please give me my space. Am I trying to make you convert to .anism? No ... so fooking don't even try to convert me to whoeverism you practice!

So my approach to the turbulent trinity is to attempt to the best of my capability to express my personal point of view (which I stress is a personal point of view) without offending anyone (I usually fail eheheh) and if people get all ruffled, I find an excuse and post haste look for exit. I thoroughly hate confrontations ... and instead of increasing the bile levels, I'd rather be laughing my guts out on some truly bawdy joke than hypothesizing if one religion is better than the other, or one sexual preference is evil while another is better experience ...

Am off to a hot cup of tea and teatime chatter with mom. Take my advice, the turbulent trinity is not something for the weak hearted to take on ... you'll be torn to shreds ...

Hang in there mates, the times are insane but not forever ... it's a state of mind and choices :)

24 July 2008

Hitting a Millennium Jul 24, 2008

heehehhe according to my SiteMeter reading at 13:15 this afternoon IROA Pt 2 has hit 1000 - that's really extra special.

Not sure who comes by, reads and what they leave with but thank you.

I know I am confusing and often worrying with my heart on the sleeve ramblings. It's sorta like a soliloquy into the internet oblivion :))

And looking to the slowly but surely next millennium marker on this blog ... I hope by then some of the rants and raves have been satisfactorily resolved.

{{HUGS}} to the world of strangers ...


Tempestuous Times Jul 24, 2008

This morning the news continues to induce fluctuating reactions to myself and my colleagues as we read and chat about what's going on with Malaysia our homeland ... *SIGH* I have to agree with Gavin, our country is going to the dogs - although, me thinks dogs would better run this country than those who helm it now ... and those who aspire to run it.

If you're in Jasin and Tangkak, apparently this is the current rage Chikungunya Fever Rumours. But reading the news kinda gave me an uneasy feeling. Somehow in Malaysia we like to pretend nothing is wrong, ignore the obvious and later blame the unseen Almighty for the fate that befalls its people. So if anything seems a little outta sorts with you healthwise, go get looked into. Do some reading so that you can ask informed questions to your doctors.

But having said that, the mass vomiting of locally trained medical personnel who have neither compassion nor passion for the job since by virtue of birthright and bad results they got Medicine as their university major, sometimes, they've never even heard of things they ought to know. But I admit, there are still a few passionate ones in there who make a world of difference, as opposed to the indifferent medical fraternity in general.

For information sake Chikungunya Fever is transmitted to humans by virus-carrying Aedes Mosquito. Read this and this for extra information. Better informed than ignorant and paranoid.

Inflation is up in Malaysia, at a 27year record high. The Consumer Price Index jumped in June to 7.7% from May's figure of 3.8% ... but all is not lost. The Government reminds us that in 1981 April this shot to 10.8% - to the Rakyat who is already burdened we've got a lot more in store for us ... *sigh*

Thankfully they acknowledged it was the increased cost of petrol and diesel that's shot this up and likely to remain the same with the electricity tariff hikes this month as well. YAY! Is there any good news out there this morning?

Apparently not. One despondent man with divorce looming over his head, took the lives of his 4 and 1 year old children before hanging himself. I am left a little baffled here. Did he need company in the netherworld or was killing his two innocent children the bravado boost he needed to end his own life? My own long drawn separation has taken me to some real painful lows as I struggled to come to terms with things but to kill my kids and myself? Errrrr no thank you. But I shall not pass judgment. He has his motivations for his actions. I hope the peace he was seeking is his now. I know I continue to search for mine ... and remain hopeful.

Th recent Teregganu Perdana V6 dumped for Merc E200 Kompressor has got Proton all ruffled feathers. And I know a friend who drives a 10year old V6 ... he's never spent 175K on his car in all those years - so really I think the MB of Terengganu better stop trying to justify his in your face show of pervert opulence and self indulgence. The Rakyat are not too happy knowing good hard earned tax payers money is going to your car purchases. Cheaper maintenance indeed - my big fat toosh!

I don't believe half the things I read or hear these days, especially if there's a political leaning to it. But this UMNO-PAS courting yet again is rather funny. It's like the least favourite consort that holds the trump in hand ... so here we go again. Another round of blah blah and then fizzle I suppose. Depends on who emerges a winner of sorts or will old stalemates prevail.

I just realised it's almost the end of July (tiny pay cheque time) and that gives wanna be PM Anwar some 45 days to take over the Government. Anyone has a report card on how his defections are faring? I saw one this morning. Former Kuantan MP has crossed over. I suppose the operative word here is 'former' hence he's not in Parliament. Hmmmm

Then someone said to me that Anwar has changed his tune slightly now about Barisan Alternative winning majority by Malaysia Day September 16th 2008 - apparently he 'never' said it. I am scouring the net to see where and what Anwar has recently said on this gauntlet thrown to the BN clowns ... which got them all shitty pants and up to mischief (well Opposition supporters insist all the Anwar drama is BN stupidity - I dunno about this one). If he has changed his tune in view of what's on-going, why am I not surprised at all. Afterall Anwar Chameleon is an infamous species.

Thursday and so much drama ... I've got some of my own coming up. My minds creaking on overdrive a little. Am a little worried, a little excited. But I do believe things are going to get better ... maybe I can give this Law of Attraction a bit of a try - I noticed some tiny experiments had interesting results heehhe now to make it work for me instead of against me.

Catch you'll tomorrow maybe ... cheers.

23 July 2008

Are You Malaysian? Jul 23, 2008

You would have to be Malaysian to keep reading the news and still remain in a state of induced retardation (many thanks to the 'glorious 50 years' of ostrich syndrome)

This morning there's a piece where DAP Lim Kit Siang asks Why Malay Unity and not Malaysian Unity and the full piece on his blog UMNO-PAS 'Malay Unity' Talks.

"Lim alleged Malaysian nation building had gone backwards and that the Vision 2020 objective of a “Bangsa Malaysia” was increasingly frowned upon as a misplaced target. And asks if the PM has forgotten his pledge that he is the PM for all Malaysians."

I guess Uncle Lim forgets la, Tse Tse Bitten Sleeping Beauty hardly remember the next moment what he says prior to that little siesta he so publicly takes - such a pledge was likely made without thinking terribly through what that meant to Malaysians as a whole before he napped off and when awakened perhaps it was all a dream.

When Malays unite, non-Malays also benefit says our Unity, Culture, Arts and Heritage Minister.

Hmmm Mr. Minister, could you please first focus on replacing the bloody word 'Tolerance' and start talking about the 'Appreciation of Diversity' - that way I think we might actually kinda kick start this elusive unity everyone is harping on about for now ...

Another day in Malaysia with more incredulous news ... you have to admit, it's never a dull day here in Bolehland ...

~.ani is going to not exert brain next 1 hour ... it's lunch time~

22 July 2008

Sixth Sensed To Obscurity Jul 22, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, in the midst of preparing for a meeting with my customers, I got called by the boss's PA who said I was needed immediately for a demo. I skeltered over to the other office boardroom. For some reason, I'd felt the precursory doom of what was to follow.

Anyhow it turns out it was a product demo by an American solution provider (hmmm am wondering if solution provider is aptly used here or not) on a productivity monitoring tool. Ok no more precursory doom - it was inevitable doom.

As the demo progressed, I sat there thinking knowing how my organisation works having been here as long as the worn out carpeting on the floors, this was not specifically going to be used in the context these American blokes were selling to us. And joy of joy ... I got to be one of the first guinea pigs and my one pain in the arse project that no matter what we do just doesn't get off the ground were to be the part of the pilot testing ... SUPER!

As it is, over the past months, I've really gotten pretty sick of working in this line of work. And it's been such a freaking chore to wake up every morning drive that 100kms to work what with the increase in petrol recently, the ever increasing financial quicksand I seem to have fallen into ... I pretty much HATE MY JOB! and this is extremely dangerous. I have never hated my job in the past no matter what or how bad it got but this time I really really really hate my job!

I find absolutely nothing inspiring enough to bother to drag myself to work. And I think this largely has something to do also with the fact I am struggling with costs of living on my ever so under market value salary and I find out my colleagues are being paid at least 2k more ... WTF man! So the last time the big boss in his over dramatic manner yelled at me for not wrapping up this project, I wasn't even bothered to feel bad anymore - why should I fooking feel bad man!

It's not like they don't know what the hell is going on but that's how management is, ... if there's ever a problem blame the fooking subordinates for incompetency despite the million obstacles these people have to battle to get where we are today ... so as he yelled and ranted and raved and pretty much tore my integrity to shits, I was thinking in my head - I'm here only because I feel I owe my client this much to deliver this blasted mess that I've had to pick and clean and reconstruct from scratch ... given I've had it 18mths, but sometimes even our best intentions are hijacked when people you count on in the team just up and leave with unfinished business.

IT development type projects are heavily dependent on the IT type people i.e Business Analysts, System Analysts and Solution Architects and DBAs and developers - if these people have no clue what they are doing, all my customer relationship management and screaming about deadlines is NOT going to create miracles - and have I taken a shit beating in this project with all sorts of drama kings and queens who just up and disappear without handing over anything properly to anyone ... and so we the remaining battle scarred idealists struggle on. We still believe we can make this happen despite the setbacks ... but no one is backing us up when we need it ... I too have just about thrown the towel in.

I told my team that December 08 we better have rolled out phase 1 of this project and it better be something the client cannot raise changes in anymore nor have we missed out anything in their requirements (that keep changing like the wind blows) otherwise, even though I can ill afford it, I am going to resign because I cannot take the boss ripping me to shreds when others aren't delivering. The team was like .ani don't go la we can do this ... I said please remember, in the bigger picture, .ani is nothing really, it's about you guys coming together and making something happen that nobody believes we can pull off.

More and more I am considering chucking this job and it's microscopic paycheque, ditching the bloody 200km jam infested daily commute, and
  • in the mornings teach at a kindergarten creating information hungry minds that our education system will somehow manage to cull before it fledges too much
  • in the afternoons open a little stall at a strategic spot selling tea time delights
  • in the evenings doing the petrol pump attendant shift
At this rate, I should earn just about enough to make ends meets, never leave Seremban. Sell Charles who is falling apart and becoming more of a liability than a trustworthy set of wheels, jump the ever so inefficient public transport system in Seremban as I move from one job to the other.

The great incentive of all this activity is I'll likely shed weight in a blink, be less stressed out from having to continuously deal with DQs and irresponsible sorry excuses of team members, no more international finger and colourful expletives at the morons on the road who endanger my life - wouldn't that be bliss!

I know you must be thinking .ani has finally officially lost it. But really have I? I find so many people out there the salaried educated professionals all reaching a point of saturation in their current profiles. People are tired out from legalised slavery to paycheques and fear of unemployment that they keep doing things even though they've long lost the passion and the drive.

I have for sure lost that passion and drive for this corporate raiding world. I would give anything to spend a little time developing my writing, because I know God gave me quite a talent and way with words, I am sure I can do something with this that gives me heart such joy and satisfaction.

Where was I? Oh yes the demo ... at the end of the demo, I figured soon enough we were going to be finding the effects of the so called 'data' that was reported .... and mind you it works 24x7 even on weekends when I'm on the PC doing my own thing (albeit on company laptop - my bad!)

So come Monday morning, so many websites are now blocked ... which makes me think I should keep going to websites that are deemed inappropriate ... porn surfers have been cured of their disease now ... hahaha. Who I chatted to on YM, Skype, which sites I went to, what screens I viewed, what forums and where I posted comments, how many documents and spreadsheets I worked on and how many keystrokes on these and over what duration - oooooooooo is there a law somewhere that says this is a bit much on the privacy thing? It even tells them I visited citibank.com.my, I went to login, I went to view my statements, I went to make a payment ... I wonder if they see anything else I don't want them seeing ... EEKS! I feel naked now!

And so my online life is now monitored and barred at every turn. Gmail takes forever to load. Yahoo mail is stuck unable to view ... Facebook is the latest victim, no messengers at all, and sometimes when a PM wants to bloody kill everyone, my last escape is here ... fingers crossed they don't take this away too ... my thread thin sanity might well snap and it won't be a pretty sight!

According to the sensors, I've been on firefox approximately forever - hahahaa I don't give a fook really bite me if you must!

p/s: if your management mentions 6th Sense or any other productivity measures - be warned, your net days are on Death Row! I'm all for productivity but I don't think managements use it just for that, anyways ... can't complain too much, am just a salary slave - best for now shut up and do what they tell me to, till I can start living it my way ...

19 July 2008

Another Poetic Attack ... Jul 19, 2008

I wrote for the sake of writing haahah after a particularly cold rainy Saturday morning ... what you think?

It Rained - hope you like it.

17 July 2008

Poetry Link ... Jul 17, 2008

Another attempt at verse ... or is it worse *grin* ... Home Coming

Hope you like it :)

Let's Talk If You Have Money ... Jul 17, 2008

Paying Big for a Little Love

I was quite taken in by this article. And like the writer, I have come into acknowledging if not having to accept to an extent that these days turning to a paid escort for a little loving is no longer just the a man’s option but more and more of our empowered ladies with the money to spare are turning to this form of gratification rather than embarking on the whole commitment emotional roller coaster of relationships.

After all what is the promise that after all that effort and energy this is the one that’s going to keep you happy ever after. Men have always had the option of partners outside the marriage and in almost every nook of this world when a man takes a colourful walk outside the definitions of committed relationship everyone is quick to forgive his discretions solely on the premise that after all he is a man and men are built to be polygamous.

But financial liberation for women has meant that women are now more often than not also bringing in the bacon and if demographics are right, then women are in several instances earning more than the men. This gives the quick thinking man an interesting opportunity.

If you have seen me in person, you’d know I’m about as attractive as the behind of a camel (no insult intended to the aforesaid camel!)

But as I get older and get closer to 40, it seems I fall into an interesting category of women.

I have been married and now single parent as a result of circumstance
I am working hence I have my own income
I have wheels of my own (albeit aging and not so hot)
I have education, am informed enough to sustain interesting conversations (wait this might appall some people who are of the opinion I’m without perspective)

Aside from the fact there are 2 kids in my life and I unfortunately live with my parents and not in my own funky pad (although I’d really like to have my own home with my own reflection of deco – beggars cannot be choosers am just glad me and the girls have a roof over our heads for now – things WILL get better I tell myself!)

Being the netizen I am, and chatter too, I’ve had some very interesting experiences with guys especially the ones younger to me. At 37, I feel like a grand old aunt to some of these 20 some things. If they don’t outright come out and tell you all they really want is some older woman to have a good time with because she’s experienced (whatever that might mean!), they skirt around the issue, they get flirty and drop sexual innuendos, and eventually ask you if you’re interested to meet up and take it from there. First time free – what a deal!

Now, I suppose in my state of affairs, I should be extremely flattered any chap would want to spend his time with me. I mean I have to admit, I’m not one of the easiest people to be with hence I realize that these chaps have no clue what they are asking for. To date I have not accepted any of these offers or invites. I do anything because I want to, and a gigolo isn’t really up my alley. (Errr ok .ani is reminding herself that people out there will be thinking she’s so full of shit ahhaha)

Men I find to be a strange breed of their own. And men like to brag about their conquests. Trust me on this. Usually when a younger chap starts talking about his prowess in satisfying women, he’ll drop examples and if the woman is someone famous enough to raise an eyebrow or two, he’ll have no qualms gloating over the episode.

Kinda brings to mind a conversation recently about a very well known local celebrity,a bi-sexual and who kept it top secret who fathered her child. The self proclaimed father on the other hand was heard bragging to other men about how she the super famous one carried HIS child – like err hello? She could have opted to abort if she wanted to. She wanted a baby, you delivered the sperm – that’s as far as your fame and glory goes. Ok given nobody is going to be gloating about an evening with me – I am not a narcissist to think anyone would want to admit being in my company is such a compromising situation.

I think this evolution is interesting and yet scary. The equation and balance of who wore the pants is shifting. And the repercussions of these shifts are also evolving. I am not sure if one can blame anyone or anything in specific but (wo)man is evolving and with that evolution comes emancipation of genders.

Many men are more than happy to sit back and let the ladies do all the work and bring in the bacon and take care of the family’s financial needs. All it means is that men are now suddenly finding themselves with interesting array of opportunities.

Like Dina Zaman’s friend pointed out that the Datins are openly flaunting their little toy boys, well afterall the Datuk is out there chasing some SPG equivalent himself – alls fair in love and war and making money. Times are hard.

Prostitution is slavery says Dina.

I am wondering if prostitution was by own choice not forced or sold into it, not due to social or financial circumstance but by one’s own will, is it still a slavery? Are you then a slave to the earnings you pocket that helps you chase bigger dreams? I wonder.

There is a blog I have read of a girl in Singapore who began prostituting herself from as young as 15 I think and she’s in university now somewhere in the US. She’s not from a poor family. And her family remains in the dark of this life she leads. To her it a means to get her a lifestyle and a thrill. She’s enjoying her experience. No regrets to date recorded on her blog. I wondered how it must be to be her living her life on these rules.

There’s also a few blogs of boys up for the highest bidder. Most interesting journeys. Are they slaves too? To what is my question?

People are doing things by their own free will how is that slavery? Also I tend to disagree with Dina on the in exchange for money under the illusion of love and relief … I think those who are involved in such choices are clearly aware why they are there. It’s all about the money and no one is disillusioned to believe there’s any love or relief (ok perhaps sexual relief) in the package.

If they had such illusions, then they are living the ‘Pretty Woman’ fairytale and likely to end up bitter people.

Anyways, sex for money is readily at hand for men and women today here in Muslim Malaysia as Dina puts it. Sexual liberation? I dunno what that the motivation is, but perhaps this is yet another evolution of peoples under the pressing realities of today.

.ani thinks people makes choices, we cannot judge their choices. Only they know the reasons for their actions.

16 July 2008

Secret Hiding Place Jul 16, 2008

I have to say that quite often these days I find myself wanting to find a secret hiding place and crawl in oblivious to everything else and create my little Utopia.

I know how immature that must sound. But in the wake of the kind of information bombardment one goes through every passing moment, a personal Utopia is not too much to ask for is it? Half the time the information has no immediate relevance to the quality of life that I personally aspire for. I could do with less news about the tragedies and the misunderstood martyrs and the likes.

But we were spawned in such an age. And we tend to need this brain feed in order to qualify our existence. We are also surrounded by ideas and opinions and thoughts and perspectives and the one thing I have come to understand about myself is that I abhor herd mentality and I loathe subscribing to something purely because it is the 'in' thing to do.

I think .... NO! I know I infuriate people a lot. I don't even have to try to, I just do. I've seen it many times purely because as much as I'd convince myself that in order to survive this predatory existence one must align oneself to 'popular train of thought' or with the movers and the shakers - I just don't seem to have that kind of drive to step over people to get to the top of the heap.

I guess the conclusion I have come to is I don't have what it takes to be the leader of any pack. It used to bug me somewhat. Being a Leo - so called natural born leader and shit like that. I found that when I tried too hard to be the leader and stuff my ideas down the throats of others, inevitably I failed in my quest and inevitably I'd get real down and abjectly have to accept I was not cut out to be a leader.

Over the years, and perhaps varying circumstances in my life, I've had the uneasy task of trying to find myself. Its been a rather rocky journey and to date I cannot claim any success in finding my true self. But then that raises the question about the me that people see - am I really who I make myself out to be?

Am I the same with A as I am with B and does C view me differently from D?

Lately (as recently as sometime earlier today), I've come to realise that for all my verbosity and thinking people still view me as a bimbo. Even when I am silent, people see as a bimbo. Apparently the kind that has peas for brains but unused. It's funny in a tragic kind of way you know.

The other view of me is that I'm scary because on one hand I am this single mother facing off with the world and on the other hand I'm some mushy whimpy damsel screaming 'I am a victim, save me please' .. hmmm ... should I explain myself?

I think no I need not do so. I'd only be able to explain myself if the listeners really wanted to hear what I was saying. From experience, really most people tune out after a few lines and they've categorised me.

Should I feel offended? hurt? I dunno, I am human after all and female - not that's a valid excuse to get all knickers in a knot. I do get offended/hurt - but I tend now to not cross swords with anyone anymore ... it seems all quite pointless especially to my peace of mind and sanity.

(perhaps this post is really a mish mash of thoughts as I come to grips with some disturbing emotions)

I am a self confessed netizen. I've spent a lot of the last 6 years online either reading or chatting and that's when I thought I might use all the words inside my head to blog - sorta like a personal online diary. When I started this little vice of mine, I did not expect there to be any readers other than the ones I specifically requested to read something I wrote. But I found that with online, you just never know what you are going to get.

I've made some good friends because of my writing. As myopically personal in views and perspectives, I seem to have struck a chord with some. Others have become critics and some mentors and some others the cheerleaders. For my superly bashed ego - this is quite soothing.

Life's not been a bed of roses. I am not delusional enough to expect it to be all sugar and spice and beautiful all the way. Where's the fun of living without the scars to show our journey. Although having said that, there are quite a few instances in my life, I'd have willingly given a skip.

Growing up, I was often riddled with angst with the classic no one understands me. Years on, I realise no one ever understands anyone try to the best of our intentions. I wanted to help change lives, today I look at mine and wonder how in heavens name have I come this far, survived this much and got so totally screwed along the way.

Inherent dread at having to yet once again admit I have failed is creeping up again. But when I take stock of things, I haven't even began to live beyond my current existence to have failed anything ... I guess the old adage of nothing ventured nothing gained remains true.

I used to feel sorry for myself that all the shit that's happened happened to me. Why not to someone else instead? Why me was always ringing in my head - it becomes like quicksand slowly but surely engulfing ones spirit, if one lets it go on and fester.

I do still go into bouts of feeling sorry for myself, especially so after I've tried something and fallen flat on my face even at the first steps. It's getting harder to will myself to try again. Thankfully God's given me 2 reasons to keep trying - Ashna and Kasha.

The worst thing I find myself doing more and more is having to acknowledge what an idiot I am. Sometimes, I do tend to forget that this world we live in is not one that suffers fools easily, and I being one such fool, usually manages to irk someone or other. It's funny and yet it's not.

*sigh* after each misadventure, I wish I had my own secret place to crawl into and hide whilst whatever took it's time to settle and people forget. In my mind, I've built small compartments which I escape into sporadically and it seems in recent past, I am now again more frequently withdrawing into myself.

Interactions with people seems to inevitably piss someone off. Dissecting myself under the microscope usually ends up with me kicking myself blue black for having been such a daft duck.

Even in writing how I feel, it apparently offends the senses of some readers here ... so it seems that I should change my name from whatever pathetic combination it is to something more apt like hmmm Illiterate, Disillusioned, Bi-polar is probably most apt - seeing as no two people see me the same way *cackles in pained hysterics!*

Is .ani feeling sorry for herself today? Probably. What is the catalyst of such an outburst? Nothing in specific, but just a whole big rojak of instances. Actually I am not feeling sorry for myself, am just plain angry with myself.

I am doing something wrong here - damn it what is there to be done to rectify the situation? I cannot change the past, I seem to be unable to make way to clear water in the present and the future is phreaking unclear.

All my well laid plans gone haywire and instead of doing the most obvious and attacking small chunks of the problem, .ani being .ani I want to bite the whole head off and swallow till the toes too ... *burp* - all I have achieved is indigestion ... GODDAMNIT!

Where's that secret door that hides me from the world and my responsibilities for what seems a lifetime but merely a blink in time and space. My own Narnian adventure, where for once I can stand proud of who I am and what I believe in and not be mocked, ridiculed or made to feel small and insignificant because I cannot assimilate into the pack.

First hand experience of being an outcast was those 'wonder years' in that organization. If I lived in the movie world, outcasts almost always triumph in the end. But reality is bitter and outcasts remain outcasts. We've been conditioned to desire to be accepted, not be true to ourselves. I think, I've sold myself short too often in the past.

Therefore in wanting to be true to myself now, I find that acceptance and understanding of me does not exist. Should I be concerned? Or should I throw concern to the wind and spearhead forward for what I believe in? I wish these weren't choices I had to make, but instead they were opportunities presenting themselves to me ...

Oh well, as I sit here rambling on my keyboard, I've just registered that my presence on the net is being monitored and recorded and which effectively means my secret place is no longer secret. I have no place anymore to hide away from the world and write - another trial I cannot avoid.

It would seem that the days of the thinking .ani are numbered. My withdrawal from the world it seems is inevitable. I think my passing will go unnoticed. Perhaps that too is best. One is never bigger than the big picture afterall.

~cheerio everyone, more stupid things are happening, and .ani is sick of it all~

8 July 2008

He Took A Dump Jul 08, 2008

I learnt a new word today - coprolite (KUP-ruh-lyte) means fossilized excrement.

And you might be wondering why this is of any significance? Well in the example of usage of the word I read this bit which naturally had me googling for authenticity.

"Visitors to the centre can see genuine mineralised Viking excrement on permanent display. The coprolite was discovered in 1972."
Unusual 'Display'; Scunthorpe Evening Telegraph (UK); Jun 19, 2008.

Let me warn you though, if the sight of such a doo doo is totally revolting to you, please skip either link :) which gives you a visual of the said historical dump remnant.

So some viking pooped, took a crap, dumped, unloaded whatever ... and 1200 years later, his fossilised 'turd' is being 'repaired' after it broke into 3 pieces ...

Oh man!!! This had to be the highlight of the day after the kind of rubbish we've been experiencing the last few weeks in Bolehland...

I wonder if AI, AAB or NR or anyone else important took a dump, would anyone be interested in discovering their in fossilization process or have we had enough of the crap they dump on us anyways day in day out??

For an interesting blog about this have a look read here.

One never ceases to learn something new everyday ... :)

7 July 2008

First Crush Jul 07, 2008

I was listening to the radio this morning and the topic was First Crush. I smiled.

I think I realized I had this huge crush on “S” when I was about 11. He was 13. And I carried that huge crush year in year out. Painfully aware that he the macho good looking fellow would not have time for plain Jane toady me.

We were related via marriage in the usual complicated ways Indians somehow always seem to be. Although reasonably far enough should something have blossomed, to be acceptable.

Anyways, I carried this on for years. And being the wallflower, I never had any other distractions. Boys never noticed me – at least not as a point of interest.

I think we got on ok, aside from his endless teasing and bullying. And then came the crunch. I was turning 19, and sitting outside on the corridor on a free period and I started a letter to “S”. I did write often to him and he’d respond sporadically as and when it pleased him with such short notes I’d still get all happy just to hear from him. (I know I sound like a dork!)

So I started a letter, which I think ended up a confession of sorts about this forever crush and I think exceeded 10 pages of A4 sheets. I posted it, and then later regretted sending off the missive. What did I hope to achieve. He’d settled back in India and I was here in Malaysia still the same plain Jane dork. Still never even in the scrap the barrel list of any of the guys in school.

I guess you could say I made the first step to tell someone who’d held my affections captive for the longest time ever that he meant so much to me. There’s always 2 ways to go with things like this. Either they reciprocate or they turn you down outright.

Agonising weeks and months went by. Needless to say the endless times I kicked myself for venturing to tell him how I felt. His reply when it finally came, made me mentally leap for joy and do a couple of back flips (I stress mentally ya!)

Seventh heaven couldn’t have felt any better. But the reality was we weren’t close to each other geographically. He was in India and me in Malaysia. Although I must say we kept up correspondences and it felt pretty nice to although not really have someone special around to share things with but there was this someone somewhere.

I’d have loved things to have worked out better. But life is not about what we want is it? When we met after many years of letter exchanging in 1994, it was obvious as in Malay we would say this journey was ‘terbuntu’ as in it was not going to go anywhere. At least not anywhere I’d have wanted it to.

Many reasons obviously. And although I did not necessarily think all or any of them mattered, but I respected what he was saying. After his visit, the contact was even more sporadic almost non-existent. I figured he’d decided to move on and hence the silence. And at the end of 1994, I wrote him another epic letter acknowledging that we’d not possibly ever be together and so I would cease to think that he was my special one. Wishing him well in his life, I never wrote to him again.

(A few months after that I accepted Jacob and his request I be his girlfriend – the first guy to have ever asked me to be anything other than one of the guys in his life. I guess the rest as they say is history.)

That letter never received any reply and in 1998 April, I got a wedding invite from “S”. I was to be engaged in May of 1998 and married in October. I was happy for him, as I was happy for myself at the time. “S” asked me to come to India to share that special occasion, which was very touching.

When I heard the topic this morning, immediately I was reminded of “S” and I realized that even with all the passing of time and leading separate and different lives, you never really ever forget the one who first stole your heart and made it skip a beat just by smiling or looking your way.

He’s a proud daddy to 2 girls and is happily settled in India. My love story didn’t work out as I’d hoped, but still I am a proud mommy to 2 girls of my own.

Do I wish things had worked out differently for “S” and I? I’d be dishonest to say I’ve never wished it to be so. But in all my experiences with life, I have learnt to accept what life had offered me the best I can. Facts cannot be ignored and hence my first crush will remain only that, a crush unrequited and nothing more.

It’s funny of much clarity a memory so old has when suddenly recalled … and I continued to smile driving to work.

~.ani remembers it's Jacob's birthday today and wonders in August will I have the present I long for~

4 July 2008

Government Service Level Jul 04, 2008

GEs are a strange group. I've had to recent experiences with them.

JPN in Putrajaya to get my sister's 'Akuan Bujang' - 20th June, 7:30am in, counter lady answered enquiries, took forms and payment, wrote out reference for collection, officer in charge and collection date 27th June. I was out by 7:55am hurtling to office.

Was tied up 27th so I went 30th, 7:30 am, first to take number, 7:40am collected documents for endorsement at Wisma Putra and was hurtling to office.

WISMA PUTRA: First of all crummy signboards don't tell you where the hell this place is in Putrajaya - you have to figure out Perdana Putra is where you want to head to.

Was advised that 7am they are working after making a call to Wisma Putra. Arrived 7:45am - doors open, guard at reception desk - NO FREAKING BODY to answer questions. You can smell food, no aircon, people are all waiting and there's giggling and chatter behind the screens.

Working hours is stated 8:30am to 12:30pm and 2pm to 4pm Mon-Thurs, 8:30am t0 12noon, 2:45pm to 4pm Fri - clock says 8:30am no sign of life behind the counters.

8:36am finally a life form arrives to dish out numbers - no system whatsoever that works on a first come first serve basis and typical Malaysia is about to stampede.

A Chinese lady sees me looking like a deer in headlights and I have a file in my hand, she takes it and puts it on the counter - apparently the system is who puts the documents out first is first la - like there's no instruction about this anywhere. I manage to get number 1008.

They start calling the numbers. 9:10am I hand my documents in and pay the fee. 9:35am finally it's done and I am off ... I get to office 10:15am, and thanks to the stuffy waiting environment, am feeling feverish and ill ...

Lesson here if you are heading to the Counselor Office, go early and lay your documents on the counter in an orderly manner. That will get you the early bird numbers. If you go to JPN any of the sections, 7:30 shutters go up, people are behind the counters and efficient in handling your questions. After the Marriage and Divorce dept, I went to registration of Births, Adoption Dept. And they were extremely nice and responsive.

Your average government employee is only as efficient and courteous hinging mainly on who the Pengarah or DG is. Those with the right attitude have right attitude staff. Imagine what an image Wisma Putra has created in my mind? Thankfully I don't have to go there again ... at least not for a long while.

3 July 2008

NeoTrackers Jul 03, 2008

I installed the widget from NeoWORX. Really snazzy stuff - only prob is you have to pay to get the premium version which is really top notch.

I installed the widget about a week ago and for the last 7 days, I've logged 202 visitors from 20 countries and 62 cities (although I have a prob with this widget). Cities if you don't register it in your profile correctly, then it kinda churns out a bit of garbage.

I mean is United Kingdom and Malaysia a city? Last I checked, these were countries. *eheheh* ok ok no need to get anal.

But that's quite exciting to know that I have traffic through my blog. Since I added the site tracker as at 21:30 this evening I've had 718 people walk through and that's about less than 3 months ago. I know most of it's my own pals ... but looking at some of the countries I'm like OH? I mean Israel? I don't know anyone from there ... There's Taiwan too.

And eh Europe?? Isn't that a continent?? but anyhows, it's all quite exciting how far reaching internet has made us. We can be sitting in smalltown Seremban unknown to most people and because I speak one of the common lingua franca and I have access to the net, I can reach out to people unknown to me personally.

In that vein, I created 2 new blogs today (no no before you think it's going to be a total overdose of .ani). It's one each for Ashna and Kasha. Templates they both like and just one entry for now. Am planning out my approach for their blogs. I hope that later on they will inherit the maintenance of their own blogs. For now, I can add snip snaps from their view of the world as kids.

My NeoWORX trial ends tomorrow so I won't have that funky fireflies template anymore and being a IT slave, I tried every possible means to try and strip the coding hehe .... I wish I had the fireflies as a template ... so calming ... but I guess the idea is to know who is coming through and I'd really appreciate a hello in my shoutmix box :)

I found another interesting site, which allows you to create your own Blidget (blog widget) and you can see a sample of it here - my poetry blog has it's own blidget now :). To get really interesting widgets and create your own blidgets and also be able to turn that into a Facebook application (and for free from what I noted playing around with the site - which is vital!!) you should visit Widgetbox. Have fun with this one folks.

For free tracker ... almost like NeoWORX but less funky you can try Feedjit. I'm testing it as of today ... traffic through takes an hour to start posting after you've added the widget to your blog. Dali I think you might like this one although not as happening as NeoWORX ;)

Have been looking at a number of blogs and styles and I think there's a huge potential to look into. Am tired of working for others and ending up way down on the appreciated employee list. I wanted to start trying my hand at being a home mommy when Ashna was born ... but Jacob said no no we need two incomes. Tried to get the go ahead again after Kasha was born and he got the Bangkok posting.

Instead he packed up and left with her. And since then I'm working not so much because I am so in love with my job but because I need to moolah for the girls since he's not exactly forthcoming in moolah support for the girls.

Hey .ani has had to learn to be independent so let me figure this out ... maybe that's the restlessness I am feeling now - I need to find ways to pump up the empty bank account. Who knows what the future holds but I am surely going to be looking into every avenue possible ... and errrr if you're a MLM pipeline fanatic - skip me ok! Am not the least bit interested in laying pipelines or being the the have time have money quadrant that you draw on paper to convince me I can make millions in no time.

Ok let me go dig up more interesting sites and in the mean time listen to that trash album Anfield Devotee suggested ... it's all noisy and ear shattering but in my state of mind, it's pretty cool music!

~.ani says goodnight for now~

2 July 2008

Facebook Status ... Jul 02, 2008

A cursory glance through my Facebook friends list and their status update left me thinking ... it would seem that 50% of the statuses are projecting unhappiness, dissatisfaction, frustration and an overall gloom.

This got me thinking - hell even my most current status is not exactly effervescent. It down right sounds like am having my nails pulled out with pliers against my wishes.

Why? Why is this generic gloom hanging over everyone like an totally unwelcome guest.

The Macros are trickling down to the Micros of our existence perhaps? I think so. But then again it's my individual opinion ... I could be misreading the emotions behind the words.

How are you feeling today my known and 'unknown' friends? ... I sincerely hope a lot happier than .ani is at the moment.

~.ani tries to smile from the heart but it looks like a clenched teeth grimace~

Forgiveness Jul 02, 2008

A wise man will make haste to forgive,
because he knows the true value of time,
and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain.
-Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)

How interesting the above quotation is? I wish I was a 'wise woman' then. I want to make haste and forgive all those who have in the past affected me at some level.

And I definitely concur with the last line passing time in unnecessary pain is uncalled for. Why should we limit our existence to constantly being in a state of pain. Pain in the heart, in the mind and just overall pain in existing with such unforgiveness annoying and gnawing at our sanity.

I am learning to forgive. Learning to let go. Learning to move on. I am ashamed to admit that it's almost like first steps halting and uncertain. Not something that comes easily when there is so much water under the imaginary bridge.

Am at a point in my life that closure and forgiveness and moving on seems to be what I am looking for. But it eludes me the more I try to find it. Should I then not try to find it, but allow this to take place in its own time?

Hell I wish I had answers ... and I don't!! I hate this so very much!

~.ani is in some mode where am angry with myself more than anything else~

Diatribe Jul 02, 2008

I woke up later than usual this morning from laying flat on my bed starring at the ceiling. My mind was whirling with so many thoughts and ideas. Fears and concerns probably outweighed anything positive.

It was the 1st of the month, and technically I am already broke having paid all the 'necessity debts' if ever there was such a term in economics. But it seems that with how things are today here at home and globally, this probably is a term that would fit right in.

I am also tired. Tired of reading and reading and cross reading and these endless discourses where exchange of words and ideas and formulation of thoughts takes place and to no specific result. Of course at the very instance my brain thought lengthy discourse, it triggered that there exists a single word for the same and so this morning I found it Diatribe.

Now by archaic terminology this merely meant long unending discourse but Dictionary.com has a slightly different view and words like abusive, criticism all come into explaining this word further. The official explanation is below.

Word History: Listening to a lengthy diatribe may seem like a waste of time, an attitude for which there is some etymological justification. The Greek word diatribē, the ultimate source of our word, is derived from the verb diatrībein, made up of the prefix dia-, "completely," and trībein, "to rub," "to wear away, spend, or waste time," "to be busy." The verb diatrībein meant "to rub hard," "to spend or waste time," and the noun diatribē meant "wearing away of time, amusement, serious occupation, study," as well as "discourse, short ethical treatise or lecture, debate, argument." It is the serious occupation of time in discourse, lecture, and debate that gave us the first use of diatribe recorded in English (1581), in the now archaic sense "discourse, critical dissertation." The critical element of this kind of diatribe must often have been uppermost, explaining the origin of the current sense of diatribe, "a bitter criticism."

And then minutes later, I saw a response to a comment of mine on a friend's blog. I read it. Re-read it a couple of times and digested the content. Pushed away from the laptop and looked out of my window. This seems to be a recurring theme in my existence. A number of thoughts were running through my head again.

Instinctively, I'd wanted to try to explain myself hopefully with a little more clarity. But then upon consideration I figured in typical .ani fashion 'fook it'. Not because I was upset with what was written in response to me. If one chooses to enter into discourse of any kind on any subject, one must be prepared to take the viewpoints of others. I see where my friend is coming from. And he is not wrong in wanting these things. Hell we all want it.

What upset me was me,myself and I. I broke my own cardinal rule which is to not discuss Sex, Religion and Politics. Only God knows what I was and am thinking to have even ventured to discuss any of these. *sigh* I think it's time to tell myself STFU .ani

It would seem that .ani is constantly upset with .ani on any given day. Being the least vocal, least dissenting, least trouble gray hair inducing sibling - not out of the fact that I am any of these willingly, but out of conditioning, I've always withheld speaking out.

Suddenly as I turned 30, I found that despite my best intentions to pass through this life without agitating anyone's sensitive disposition, I found that this next decade was to be one of my most challenging.

The problem now lay in me grappling with the me I'd kept in check for 3 decades. Silenced by choice, I was now bursting with a need to speak up. And in wanting to do so, often the words spill out clearly incoherent to anyone even to myself sometimes. In my mind, I know exactly why I am thinking this. But when I have to explain it to someone else - it starts to fall apart.

In the last few weeks I have been looking into myself, and I am extremely restless. I feel like I am on the brink of something but I am not sure what it is. This restlessness kicked off July last year and one year later I am it seems at the same point I was last year.

And yet, my sister tells me I have come so far from who I was before. Maybe it was this false bravado that made me think I could say anything of any sense. I have just had to acknowledge to myself, I was wrong. Bitter pill no doubt to swallow, having to admit to oneself that one was wrong. But looking back in the last 7 years, I've had to learn to swallow a lot of bitter pills. I'm accustomed to it now.

I could just as easily say that all the is currently happening is of no consequence to me. And that would be total hogwash, because albeit I am an insignificant feature in the grander scheme of things, I feature no less. I am constantly worried about the policies in this country and how the effects trickle down to me. I am concerned about the future of THE only place I call home.

And all of this I am worried about because I have Ashna and Kasha. If it were about me alone, I'd say fook it. Nothing's bloody going to change anyhow. Whoever is in power, is going to just safeguard their own little posse of boot lickers. I don't feature in there, and by the time I am 60, likely I'll be dead. But jeepers, I want a better Malaysia for my girls. I mean if they don't settle anywhere else (not like anywhere else is a better place either) then this is home to them and their generations. I want to see something promising for them.

How does this happen? It's not apathy. It's not lacking of convictions or perspectives, but rather mine does not fit anyone else nor do theirs fit mine. What my ultimate goal is differs from the next person. I am not above being to a degree 'self-centered' for my own comfortable existence.

The current high drama of AI bores me to death actually. It be so much easier if he just came out and said I'm a swing door, accept my sexual preferences for what they are and I am still the better man to lead this country - perhaps I could feel some faith in him. For now I don't.

Do I think current powers that be are bothered to raise the status of everyone to equal? Fook No! Am not disillusioned about their track record either.

On a personal level, I really don't care what or who get what and and which piece of the pie. I thought I was beginning to get a hold of my future but I feel am spiraling down again into a dismal abyss. And I hate myself for not having answers. For not having a well plotted out plan to execute whatever the outcome of whatever Macro factors that effects my Micro existence.

I am tired of the diatribe of all things about this country and the shitty situation it is in now. Is there a point if I blame BN. Or I blame PR for not winning the bloody elections and giving Malaysia 5 years of so called fresh air?? IS there a fooking point blaming anyone? Nope.

I started blogging to get away from the depressing obvious. And I guess I shall return to it in that frame of mind. Let whatever is happening happen and work itself out. It is my business what happens, but for now I am fed up. Muak sampai nak muntah darah! I need to create a little Utopia in my chaos.

~.ani will catch up with this later ... Mid week YAY!!~

1 July 2008

What My Names Mean Jul 01, 2008

Mary has multiple meanings and origins. The Biblical version of Mary means same as Miriam. The English version of Mary means Bitter. Variant of Miriam. The biblical mother of Christ. Names like Dolores and Mercedes have been created to express aspects of Mary's life and worship.. The Hebrew version of Mary means Bitter.

People with this name tend to be filled with the joy of life. They are quite imaginative and enthusiastic. They may fear routine and might lack self-discipline. Professionally, they can be successful as a press secretary, planner, or small business promoter.

Anita has multiple meanings and origins. The Spanish version of Anita means Grace. Variant of Anne.. The Hebrew version of Anita means Grace.

People with this name tend to be very inspired, intuitive, and creative. Their aim is to improve the world and can be quite altruistic. They strive to see the "Big Picture" and achieve their dreams.

Ani comes from the Hawaiian word which means, "Glass..".

People with this name tend to be very warm and nurturing. They are extremely reliable and are often found taking care of others. They have a deep need to try and create harmony in their surroundings. Unfortunately, this can sometimes lead to getting taken advantage of. They can have difficulties saying, "No." They can be quite successful as a Personal assistant, educator, or caterer to a small business.

I guess you could say if you knew me, I have been given an apt name - but you might beg to differ. Maybe I should stop calling myself .ani, and using something more powerful, and then perhaps my life will take a pick up for the better.

Well this requires some searching, but I guess it's something to consider :))