Well Well Well ... (almost sounds like the start of a Duffy song don't it?) ... been a while since I put fingers to a keyboard and tried to capture the myriad of thoughts that continuously plague my mind.
Sometimes I have felt the gush of words but no motivation to actually type it all out to the universe at large. At times I've felt all words have dried up and am wordless thought devoid numb from the endless bombardment of negatives and trials that keep coming up my alley even as I try to side step and stay out of trouble.
I have longed for a new beginning, but I keep getting rehashes from the past, like unwelcome relatives past experience clings on making anything new easily tarnished by their lack of optimism for the future.
The metamorphosis from cocoon to butterfly that I had hoped would have taken place seems to have become a shrivelled shell with nothing colourful bursting forth. I find despite the increasing sense of needing like-minded company to save me from sure insanity if I continue in this hermit like existence, it is the hermit solitude in which I feel least stressed, least demanded upon.
It seems like my life has ebbed away and all opportunities with it. I feel that the trials and battles of the last decade now legally over refuses to let me get back into the saddle and ride with the wind in my hair and sun on my face. Instead it seems to hover invisible but ever present in limiting myself because precedence is how people view you - your past it seems inevitably catches up and a 1+1=2 mathematic deduction is made as to your capabilities.
In my case single mom+divorcee = incapable of being asset to work environment - something I've tried to battle since the start of this misadventure. But it keeps persistently rearing its ugly unwanted head. And I've come to a point, I am tired of trying to convince anyone that I am much better than their "spotlight seeking stars" just because I prefer to make it happen with as minimal fanfare. I keep telling myself .ani you have to be mercenary, grab any chance at propelling yourself into the spotlight, your youth is gone, all you have are handful of chances before you stand holding but a handful of dust.
But I lack that "kill agenda" in my nature. I work my ass off and watch the accolades go elsewhere, the promotions and recognition to someone else and remain the unknown in the shadows.
And I am constantly panic attacked looking that I hit 40 in just under 5 weeks. I still have nothing I can be deemed successful by. I had that time, but I made choices which shifted the whole balance and put me at the losing end when I had thought I had made decisions for the betterment of my future. No amazing bank balance, no gold, no property, nothing! ... material measures nonetheless - but these are what the society at large uses as yardsticks to measure a persons success.
Still struggling, still trying to figure out if I take anymore blind leaps of faith where will it land me and how will I pull through. People tell me my success is in that I have 2 beautiful and special daughters, that my rewards for the sacrifices I make now is in watching them become good human-beings and they will understand in time that what I cannot give them now as easily as their friends and peers get is because I am working for a better tomorrow for them.
It would be fact to say I want my kids to be proud of me and the decisions I've had to make to give them a future. It would be a lie to say that I am not often wracked with guilt for not being their ideal deep pockets parent. But this is the life and the truth of our existence.
Blaming anyone else is no longer a viable excuse. They've moved on with their lives, we are but non-existent. I wish for more strength from within as I take on the challenges of present day and those I am much aware await me in the future. Is wanting the past to stay exactly where it is should such a bad thing? I mean yes there are lessons learnt - which is not a bad reference point, but why does the fear of all things past continue to grip my heart as I try to make better todays and tomorrows.
Am I so lacking in self determination and confidence that I cannot shake off the foreboding the past places upon my present as it clouds the future?
Why am I still questioning and not finding answers when by now at 40 life should make some sense even as the world around remains in chaos.
I guess the education of .ani is far from over. I continue on my learning curve and I am still learning me and how far I can go for love, acceptance and peace of mind. I'm in battle with myself - probably the hardest battle one has to face up in ones life. All other battles have clear definition of win or lose or draw but when you battle your self, how do you claim victory?
Let me scurry away into the recesses of my mind and heart and perhaps I will eventually find my answers by observing the world as it revolves around me completely oblivious of my presence.
Till then peace out and happy trails everyone, .... .ani is going through another round of self dissection - hopefully there are answers as I too evolve with the ticking of time and shifting of the sands.