Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

1 June 2009

A Change Of Guard ... Jun 01, 2009

This morning having to drag my sorry ass out of bed and motivate myself into driving the distance to work was hard enough I thought. Then I came into the office and there was hardly anyone around - not sure if they are on leave or these people have silently resigned and gone.

Then I had a short quick conversation with someone I worked with previously and who when I came back here had moved up in management. A really awesome person and back when we were on projects together a great buddy too.

So when I asked him how things were going and he said he was leaving - man suddenly I felt like this is just so not right man!! Everyone I knew from the old days has gone. Barring maybe a handful who also seem to be on at times on their last tethers.

I cannot explain the feeling but I too have to admit, I want out. I want to move on and do something more fulfilling and satisfying for myself and my quality of life overall. All this driving back and forth. The extremely lousy pay, endlessly shoved around till I am thinking sheez what is this all leading to? I feel unwanted unappreciated and this translates into feeling worthless.

But the thing is I am not worthless. I have a good brain and I put in my effort more than 100% when on the field on the job because I hate being caught with my pants down (- figuratively speaking that is).

Time to revisit my cash situation. Revisit all my little plans in my head - I know they can work, I just need the market niche and I think it exists. But finances - that's my problem. To venture into business, one must have cash. And I don't have it ready. What I have is a hand to mouth existence on a monthly basis.

But then again, all mega rich people today unless born into it like Paris Hilton, is a rags to riches story. I am sure if I get all my guts and gumption together and kick it off, I will stay the course to making it happen. It's that first kickoff.

The uncertainty and the fear of losing what little moolah I have and the fact it's not just me I have to worry about, I have the girls too. I want to make things happen because I want to give my girls the best. Its double the challenge being a single mom but others have not been held back, so me thinks me also can do it. I just need that first believe in myself.

I need to believe it will happen and even if it fails the first few times, it will happen because my intentions are in the right place as is my heart. I am not going out there to swindle and cheat people. My plans are about enhancing their quality of life perhaps in some small way.

Come on ani, let's get cracking on the feasibility angles. I got to get some rough sketches out. Get a marketing pitch worked out (a bit rusty seeing as I have not done marketing in almost 15 yrs). So it's coming to this yaar .. I mean I want to end my 30s with something successful. It has been a harrowing decade of so many down down down I kinda forgotten what being up feels like.

I know I'm meant to be heading upwards, but what is the modus operandi I should embark on. I keep coming back to one point. I have to venture out on my own. Enough salary slavery ... time to plunge headlong into things like I'd planned when I was still with spouse - although he never let me quit work perhaps he had no faith in me and my talents. But he sure has contributed to my 30s being so tsunamied ehehehehehe only thing I've learned from this is to keep paddling like crazy below the surface to stay afloat ... so I believe then if I venture into the unknown self employed sector, I will keep at it till it gets to where I want to be.

I owe it to myself and my girls and also to all the people who believe in me that I am good, better and even the best in some areas. Everyday I think about it a little more, and I feel I am getting to the point where I will one day wake up and say this is the day, chuck the dead end job that has no satisfaction but a cheque at the end of the month, and move into the unchartered.

Stay tuned, am sure it will come when you least expect it on one of my totally insane days I will say ENOUGH and move away ...

Happy Week All ... and I guess a change of guard is not out of the norm, all boils down to the fact that the only constant is change. Embrace it or break away :)