Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

28 January 2008

When Do We Say Enough And Stop Jan 28, 2008

Odd question? But by now you know me well enough to figure out this is going to be another one of those rambles that tries to capture in some manner the thoughts that are running gamut inside my head.

If anyone has been following my blogs from long before, you'd have heard me rant and rave about Project Titanic ... now this was supposed to have been the 'exhuming' of a dead project, turning it around and setting the damn thing on course safe to harbour.

Now I was unwittingly chosen to captain this rather ill fated cruise vessel towards the end of 2006 through a series of misadventures ... I found myself at the helm without a clue what to expect.

Let me tell you, it's been hell and back and to hell again. Has this baby finally docked? Hell NO!!!!! ... instead here it is a quarter past eight and am still in the office thinking what positive news could tomorrow possibly bring.

Just when I thought we'd make it to the finish line ... despite several setbacks - more were found to be hiding in the shadows and suddenly pouncing out at me ... and the whole damn team seems to be on the verge of resignation and the application has done probably the 5th 180 degree turn ... I am exhausted.

But ironically, the most complimentary statement to date I have gotten is from my chinaman buddy Darren who tells me he is amazed at my desire and will to still want to see this project to a close and a handover to the client.

It was when mulling over this comment that of course my mind being the way it is extrapolated this characteristic of me ... into the many other dimensions of my life. There's an amazing tenacity even in the obvious face of failure that I keep at things trying to plug leaks, mend fences and mitigate where humanly possible.

Even in failing relationships I have tried my darnest. Having to accept that it has failed and nothing I do is going to resuscitate this carcass is a painful decision for me. I feel burdened by a sense of guilt that I did not manage to save this one ...

The pain I feel in the impending separation is terrible and I tend to carry the feeling of guilt inside ... even long after I have come to accept if not realise it was beyond my control and not my fault ... it just happened that way.

Which makes me ask myself often, when do we say enough and put a stop to going on with things that are going bust and belly up? How do we convince ourselves that we have given the whole matter the best of ourselves and that there's nothing more to give?

At the start of 2007 I reviewed some aspects of me and made some edits to how I approached life. I must say that midway 2007, I got to see the full onslaught of my edits, because they very much so helped me ride through one of the hardest times of my life. The catastrophe of the events that took place shook the very core of my family and I, and it was that small edits I put into my view of life and how I'd live it that has really helped me pull through.

The start of 2008 has seen a few more edits and enhancements and I am glad, that really this evolution of .ani is taking place ... slowly yes ... but it is happening and I am happy with how it is going. Life is far from the utopia I might sometimes in delusion aspire towards, but it's not going all that bad. I am coming of age and really beginning to like what I see. My thinking is maturing, my philosophies towards life is shaping itself, reinventing itself.

There is comfort in some of the old habits and values. And these are like old pairs of shoes. you are never suddenly shocked into any sensations, everything is pleasantly familiar ... and yet these new aspects of thinking and approaching life is also welcome and stimulating to the mind. It has given me opportunity to revisit some past follies with fresh new eyes and given new perspective and the chance to let old wounds heal.

It's amazing what the mind can do for the soul in toto ... Its a journey I am enjoying because it is mine to make even within certain constraints ... but it's happening. And most importantly, I am learning to tell myself Enough! Stop! and not feel pangs of guilt anymore.

That is yet another milestone in the emancipation of .ani

As for Project Titanic ... leaks and filling with water, I'm bailing as fast as I can, plugging holes even faster. I made a commitment to see this through - and GODDAMMIT! I will see it through. Then I will be able to say Enough! Stop and walk away ... till then we march on ...

27 January 2008

I Have Fans??? REALLY?? Jan 27, 2008

Now this is shocking!!! Apparently I have fans of my blogs - EEK ... how does this happen?? Who are they?? What goes through their minds when they read my ramblings???

Ok I mean there is no real reason to be a big time DQ(drama queen) not like it's truckloads of them or anything ... but I only found out there's such a thing as fans (obviously now that makes me wonder if I'm part of some statistic on someone else's blog page ... hmmmm) through my FACEBOOK account ... I have added an application there called Blog Friends (I think that's what it is called!) and suddenly next to my name I saw 17 fans (yeah yeah ONLY 17 and all this DQness - sheez eheheheh)

Now seeing that number - not being able to click to see who these fans were was what made this little brain go into hyper drive :)) - people actually want to read my stuff and then come back for more? Why? is really the first thought that runs through my head ... not like I am some famous writer or that my ramblings make any sense - or does it???

But let me honest - it is very flattering to note that there are anonymous people (to me anyways) coming by regularly to see what I have written about. That is bare fact - I am touched, and I am honoured. Whether or not they appreciate the words, I cannot tell.

Do they laugh at my misadventures?
Do they feel and capture the essence of my pains?
Do they see the images my words try to paint?
Do they feel a desire to reach out and perhaps hold my hand in an act to comfort? Maybe a hug that reassures me that tomorrow is a new canvas?

I do wonder what thoughts run through their minds. Do they feel compelled to tell me their thoughts but then choose to remain silent and anonymous readers? Are they repulsed?? Do they think I am some spineless ninny ... who lives in past pains? Chained to the sorrows of yesterday unable to live today nor look ahead to tomorrow??

So many questions run through my mind. And then still a smile curves on the corners of my mouth because these people exist. These people found me some what worthy of their reading time. And again I find myself humbled.

Life had shown me a great number of humbling experiences in the last years. Life somehow had always made sure I remain clearly and visibly reminded of where I have come from, of where I am now and of where I am striving to get to.

A friend of a friend wrote to me ... saying that my in my writings she sees and feels a lot of pain and yet she feels that I am strong and likely a chosen child of God. I wonder if there is truth in that. Like in my previous post, I am often left wondering if the big G in the sky even realises I exist ... because it seems that no matter what I do or try to do, disappointment and failure seem to await me ...

The start of 2008 - where I made a resolution NOT to make any resolutions was the best thing I did ehehhe - I believe that from past experience ... I usually end up feeling down and disappointed along the year realising that half the resolutions are smashed to smithereens ... so this year made none to fail to keep - and its going much better - no pressure no stress.

Of course I still look forward to some closures and some new opportunities. I have to admit when I look back at me 2 years ago ... 6 years ago ... 10 years ago ... 13 years ago ... damn it from the time I had cognitive skills to realise what was going on in my life ... I have really come a long way. So many 'myths' have been shattered and I laugh thinking how I lived by some rules just for the sake of living with them.

I cringe to find that here drawing closer to 37, I still live within the confines of some rules, that my mind screams out to be bloody nonsense ... and the hypocrisy of it all and perhaps I am then classifiable as a hypocrite ... but why do I do somethings the way I do them and other times differently? It is about the fine balance of living within the confines of other peoples space and ideas of what is truth and what is not.

Sometimes there are people who accuse me of pretense in my caring of others, in my way I lead my life, in the way I deal with them or situations or combination of elements ... I have learnt that arguing with such people makes no difference. They have build their opinion of me and thus will it remain... and I can talk till the cows come home they are not about to change their perception of me anytime soon ...

The important things is who I am to me. The me that looks back at me from the mirror is the one I need to feel comfortable with. The one I need to be able to look in the eye and not turn away with guilt or defiance. That is the most important person I need to be happy with - me. For who I am to myself and what I use as yardsticks for myself is important. The perception of others matters naught because I would be compelled to ask them if their reflections are as guilt free as mine is :) ... me thinks the first to cast the stone better have not sinned themselves ... Christ had a point there when he asked that of the mob who were so riled to stone Mary Magdalene ... and see what people have gone on to say... Christ and Mary Mag had a steamy thing going on between some robes and sheets ... tsk tsk tsk ...

Before the ramble becomes a never ending deluge of my incoherent mind's verbosity ... I had better take leave ... and lest I scare my 'fans' away ... :)) I want to say - Thank You ... for feeling my ramblings worthy of your time.

So I have fans - yay!!! now if I knew them all, whenever that amazing Booker winner book of mine hits the shelves, they be getting complimentary autographed copies :)) - I PROMISE ... never one to forget the support and encouragement of friends ...

Till next time ... happy trails ...

11 January 2008

God, The Universe and I Jan 11, 2008

Now you might ask, what in heaven's name am I going to go on about ... well it is yet again more jumbled incoherent ideas and thoughts which I am trying to make sense of and pull together and present to you the unseen unknown reader (am not even sure if anyone ever reads any thing here ;p) that you might find yourself unwittingly take the journey with me.

Am I religious? Do I believe in God? Will you see me standing on high mountains screaming to the unhearing masses my profession of faith? I have no answers.

I would like to think that I am moderately religious, as in I tend to believe that there is a God even if we cannot quantify or qualify this omnipresence. I do believe as much as community worship is important, I have a direct line to the big G in the heavens for whenever I need to talk. Mindbogglingly so, I have increasingly found prolonged sessions of me taking sabbaticals from obvious physical display of worship, but my conversations with God continue ad hoc ad verbatim whenever I need to unleash the troubles that weigh me down and take my spirit for a downward spiral as much as I struggle for it to take flight.

Now there are people who believe that all things are in God's plan and if you are a fervent dedicated God fearing person (whichever serving of God one might subscribe to), all that you seek, knock and it shall be opened unto you, seek and you shall find, ask and you shall receive - all very nice to hear, but I ask does it really happen that easily??? There are those who swear that prayer has brought them all that they have asked for ... which makes me conclude that God is not listening to me when I pray, am not asking for much, just a bit more good days in my career, and end to the divorce and to be able to live comfortably within my means with my 2 angels - to date no go ... God's not answering me. Some say, I don't pray enough - what happens then? I go on a sabbatical from God to work out the facet of my relationship with this intangible all knowing presence!

Lately ok not so lately, there has been a deluge in the mass market from everything 'The Secret" to 'Law of Attraction', to sending sublimal messages out to the universe and the universe picking up these messages and sending you things ... now if you had sent such powerful positive messages, apparently the universe will then respond by making these positive thoughts tangible realities.

However if you are a sorry sod like me wrought with insecurities, fears and an unbecoming degree of pessimism, the universe (which turns out not to be too smart) will pick up on these negative vibes that your mind is unconsciously sending out and deliver to you the truckloads of shit ass luck you've been so fearful of receiving.

Now ask me about this. It seems awfully frustrating that neither God nor the universe seem to be hearing my pleas in the right manner. Or is that a format with which I have to send out my thoughts and prayers in order to have them answered by either entity?? Man I just cannot get the easy train here can I???

I have begun to wonder if I am the only one left this frustrated at the outcome of things or are others also equally stumped. I mean, everyone tells me hanging there ani, pray ani, think positive ani, send out the right vibes ani, create a dreamboard ani, focus ani, ask God sincerely ani ... ya da ya da ya da ... my head could explode with all this positivity ...

And phreaking hell, I've been doing so for as long as I can remember, more so in the last 5 years, revamped my take on life, revisited my values and decided well some are just mine to practice and I cannot force my ideas on others especially if they subscribe to their own particular set ... things that used to shock the bejeebers out of me now don't raise an eyebrow, things I felt were clear black or white have taken on hues of gray and sometimes the colours of the rainbow ... nothing is a clear cut fact anymore, everything is an evolving understanding as I find my way through this quagmire of madness people generally call living.

Am left at the moment feeling like life is going too fast, all my plans which were put into disarray when Jacob left the equation, I am still struggling to find myself back on track. I set myself a target by 40, I would be able to sit back and enjoy a bit of life and with my family to care for ... but well Jacob left and I was left suddenly without a roof over my head that I could call my home (I mean yes I moved back into my parents house but at 36+ I am beginning to feel awful lame! not being able to move forward and live on my own with my girls), penniless in the bank, and debts along with 2 children to feed clothe and raise - to say the least, I went to panic pandemonium ... and am still trying to bring this ship back on course minus the now former captain. I have taken on the role of Captain, First Mate, Cook and Crew ... all rolled into one nicely tight roll with 2 life boats on either side ...

It's turning out to be some navigational exercise, and almost every time I begin to believe I see land ahead not just waves and more crashing walls of water with treacherous whirlpools, high seas squalls and blinding torrential rains ... tossed and thrown abouts this unseen ocean, suddenly a calm descends ... almost like a dream and yet an ever present uncertainty of when the next turbulence will unleash itself.

I am a veteran now of mending the sails, plugging the holes on this vessel which remains afloat purely from my tenacity to survive the odds. I am not afforded the luxury of handing over the watch to anyone else but myself. And whilst one eye scans the horizon the other bits of me are working on making it through another day.

And after all of this action, sometimes I introspect at my life in almost a semi comatose presence. And there is no positivity left inside me that I can squeeze out to send any sort of message to either the universe or to God ... neither hears anything from me. I feel immobile with the exhaustion that overtakes me mentally and emotionally ... and physically I am drained from all the rushing around. I listen to all these positively positive people go on about how they are in control of their thoughts and making reality their aspirations. I seem cynical unbelieving in my expression.

However, I am thinking when might I have that leisurely experience to unclutter my mind and my thoughts and start projecting this new positive thinking me. Is it possible that so long as I am thinking of bettering my current, means some sort of message is being relayed - RIGHT?????

Anyhows, I need to go think this God, Universe and me theory out a little bit more ... I shall return

4 January 2008

I Like Your Smile Jan 4, 2008

Tell me people what gives here... every single chap I meet online (I never meet chaps offline or in real life - I wonder why???) first opening line will be a variable of these lines - and I am hardly susceptible to believing strangers but here are some classics I get
  1. Hey sexy lady I like your smile
  2. That's a smile I'd like to wake up to every morning
  3. Mysterious smile, tell me more
  4. I'm in love with your smile
Like firstly AHEM! what's with my smile??? I look and look and look at the pictures I've put up, ok so I am smiling fairly decently, I managed to avoid the squint just as the camera clicked ... but it's an everyday smile ... nothing to it .. so whatcha boys going on about???

I mean if my smile was THAT alluring and I refrain from saying it's hot because I don't believe it to even be alluring leave alone anything else ... why is my social life screaming ZERO!!!!

My phone never rings with the many single available male numbers I happen to have on my mobile.
No one is stopping dead in their tracks on the streets and fawning over my so called smile ...
I've not won any toothpaste advertisement contracts to date with this 'madonna like gap' smile ...

So I ask again what gives ... I used to be smarty pants and shrug off the smile compliments (I am terrible with compliments, have no clue how to accept any) but these days, I just say a polite thank you ... if my smile makes you want to say it go ahead ...

Of course then again there are those who take that thank you into the next level and yet again there are many variables to the next level ... online usually the next statement will go something like "do you have webcam, I want to see you" which will then lead to "do you do cybersex" - like whatcha talking about Willis (pun not intended) - one moment you like my smile, the next moment you want me to cyber screw you???

Ok I don't get no action (totally of my own doing this self imposed celibacy - heck there are times I'd like to get downright naughty too but ... is it worth it??) but cybersex is NOT my cup of tea either ... I do really prefer the real thing *grin* - talk about brutal honesty yet again from ani ...

So apparently ani now is the proud owner of a smile that men AND women like - it must be that gullible look you think??? Many people also tell me my smile reveals my heart is good (HAH!!! they have not for the life of them seen my dark side then ... afterall if I were to be like ANIkin Skywalker who crossed over to the dark side, wielding light saber and all I'd be doing the nasty on people heehehehhe)

A good heart - now that's also a compliment. So that's 2 positives about me ... YAY!!! I am not such a despicable sorry excuse of space afterall.

It also strikes me as odd as in this is the same bloody smile (ok ok its not bloody I merely wanted to emphasise here!) I've had since like forever. Look at my photos damn it ... from the age of 1 I think, I have the same look and the same smile ... it's like a masquerade mask I wear, that hides all the misadventures thus far experienced and also the same unwavering smile I have no matter how chaotic or turbulent my life presently is. I have no doubt in the fast encroaching future, this same smile will be ever present.

I smile now in adversity (like I say it completely confuses my enemies)
I smile even when my heart is breaking
I smile when something touches my soul
I smile at the idiosyncrasies of mankind and the effects it has on me
I smile sometimes for no apparent reason and people think look at ani she's always smiling

If only people knew how I have therapeutic eyes balling out sessions whilst I drive to and from work lost in my own thoughts and challenges and struggles. Then there is no smile and yet I find sometimes I smile even through my tears, a melancholic cynical smile at the misadventures that for the present haunt my existence.

But to the average person, ani smiles all the time, she's such a happy go lucky person ... I guess I have learnt that what you project out to the masses is what the masses buy to be the truth - strange world.

I don't ever remember Jacob ever telling me my smile was beautiful or that he liked it (makes me think, did I smile when I was with him??) although others have told me they like my smile ...

Funny how powerful a smile can be and what depths it can reach ... the simple upturn of mouth and lips in a social situation, and wallah! you have magic!

I am not sure if all those terribly young testosterone driven young men who 'hit' on me online mean it when they compliment my smile or it is a means to an end in their minds ... nor if the equally testosterone driven older guys mean it either - although with the age brackett I do find myself becoming friends with some whom after the initial faux paus, we settle on an amiable workable friendship ...

What I am wondering is really what is it that people mean when they say I like your smile because that way I'd be better able to understand what they expect of me, especially if its a guy who is saying it. Females are not likely to tell me that unless I have known them for like forever ... or they are older ladies wondering if behind this smile I could be pushed off to some guy they have in mind as the perfect saviour to my 'circumstance' not like I've asked anyone to find me anything ...

Sigh! So you like my smile, great! now what ...... *grin*