I got back to the stifling heat in Dubai yesterday evening, and although the humidity back home had me wishing I could walk about in the aircon all day, I still immediately wished I was back home - curled up with my daughters.
I guess it's never going to get any easier saying goodbye each time I have to catch a flight back to Dubai. There were tears from the girls and me with the final hugs and kisses and goodbyes before my brother zoomed me off to the airport.
And whilst waiting to board looking at kids with their parents really is sorta like salt in wounds cause my kids aren't with me.
It was a short trip home. And I was at home most of the time. Just relaxing with the girls, catching up on news and enjoying Malaysian food.
Caught up with my grandma who was telling me about her Italian and London trip. Caught up with some friends in church on Sunday. Visited Baby Melanie, a good friend of the family's new baby. Hung out for a bit in my usual KL haunt - in Happy Garden.
There's something about home and all places related to it. And tearing yourself away from home is about the hardest thing anyone can do.
Getting back to an empty apartment sorta just made me sit for a while in the darkness catching my breath. Because the emptiness of the place knocked the wind out of me. And I've started counting days till when I can hope on a plane and head home again.
It's times like this when I am overwhelmed with where my life had led me. Choices I made 15 years ago, is the price I pay now. And often dumbfounded when people tell me I am so brave and courageous.
The fact of the matter is I am chicken shit scared!
Yup it's out in the open - .ani is just one scared old lady trying very hard to maintain semblance of calm on the surface.
When a person decides to get married, we think we have a partner for the rest of our life to share the journey, but I learnt this is a nice to have and for a large segment it's a fairytale that eludes us.
When you have kids with the person you married, you think it strengthens the bonds between parents and transcending to parent child bonds, but I learnt soon enough my girls and I now form the statistical norm i.e. working single mother-children family units.
My decision to venture beyond Malaysian shores is stemmed from wanting to stop grasping at sinking financial straws and try to bring myself safe to shore in this perilous financial waters. It's the early days yet, and with current currency trends, sometimes it feels like instead of safety, I stepped into a whirlpool. Hit from all sides, it's hard keeping afloat let alone steady on angry buffeting seas.
As I looked upon my sleeping children's faces, I am convinced I am doing the right thing for us. And yet it pains me to not be there for them on a daily basis. Earning the moolah to keep us going is one thing, missing out on their growing up is another.
But I guess had all my plans worked to a T - I'd be tending house, raising kids, entertaining, holidays, family time ... maybe taking life for granted too, seeing as my spouse was on some meteoric rise in his career (taking from where he is today as a benchmark).
I guess what life has taught me since I woke up one morning to find all that was the norm was now a thing of the past was one can never take life for granted. Life kicks you in the teeth when you do.
Life teaches you that you can plan all you want but you are no way in control.
Life shows you to pick yourself up and find solutions.
Life reminds you that you must live life not go through the motions.
But life also teaches you to appreciate that even with what little one might have one can be content, one can be happy. All one needs to remember is not let the realities of existence, all those bills and expenses and red bank accounts rob you of the moments at hand.
It's damn nice to have large bank balances but it can't buy to love or respect ... ok momentarily it may. I realise I fall into the rat race rut if I allow all these things get to me. If I stop and for a moment think about all the things I DO HAVE, then I realise my life is pretty good going - I have family and friends who love me, I have beautiful children, I am blessed.
My heart is Malaysian, and that is home, but in the mean time it's back to making as much of a home as I can here in the desert. Who knows what awaits, someday perhaps this maybe my home if my heart start to beat in the rhythm of the desert.
I am back in Dubai .... counting my days to go home .... but I shall make it best darn days as possible :)
p/s: Have any of you watched Just Wright with Queen Latifa - for the romantics :)