Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

31 March 2009

Of Goats and Camels .. Mar 31, 2009

I was having lunch yesterday with some colleagues. And is usual in such circumstance, we were talking shop or should I be honest and bitching about work ahahahahah anyways such are the times ... you wish you didn't have to be that slave to your salary at the end of each month and yet, what options do you have?

The 2 of us who have been around a long long time and the 3 others who are well still freshies by service years were looking at different angles of how the dynamics of the organization was going and how we all seem to be stumped or frustrated at some point or the other.

In all of this gay chatter, I suddenly said in response to something (it fails me now) we can deliver a goat, but we promise a ship load of camels. And that got everyone at the table cackling because they found it so funny.

Now if you take that in context to the life most of us are living ... I think it applies. Most often, all we can afford is a figuratively speaking goat but we live beyond our means in mythical and fictional fashion.

I look around me sometimes and I am wondering how come even with zero self indulgent spending, I am always stretching my RM. Then I see all these people shopping like there's no tomorrow. Handphone changing, car changing, handbag shopping ... you get the picture.

Then of course you'll read in the papers all the fore closures and bankruptcy notices. And this is the economic downturn ... but going by what I see in general, you'd think this was boom time instead. It would seem we have a generation who cannot comprehend a recession - most being unthought of in the 88 Recession, too young in the 98 Asian recession. So here they are in the 2008 World Worst Recession since the 1920s ... and what do they do ... live beyond means and expect some bailout from somewhere.

And in businesses, when people are vying for projects and tenders and having been in quite a few of these myself, I cannot help but wonder how the bosses intend to keep these promises when looking around you know it's just not going to happen. Somehow the miracle of the 7 fish and 5 loaves that Christ did is not within our mortal means.

Having until very recently been in one such project (now unceremoniously dumped to a forgotten quaranteen zone) I know the kind of stress and mental agony I went through trying to live up to the promises made by the big guns and the reality of what resource and skills were at hand to make those promises a reality.

Sometimes being honest and a realist in times where others choose to make imaginary sales of camels when even their one singular surviving goat making it to the finish line is rather questionable is really not worth it. I have been yelled at so many times, then accused of things I would never fathom doing even if I had the right to do so. My credibility was questioned - me of all people. I am so straight and honest it's so not funny but I suppose there comes a time when everything about you will be wrong because it suits the mood of the other person to feel and think so.

Circumstances and economic situations force me to bite the bullet and hang in where I quite clearly know am no longer appreciated or wanted. And that is painful. And the more camels I see promised, I fear for the goat's sanity. Because there is a saying - the straw that broke the camel's back. Even camels imaginary or not have a threshold point.

And that point comes when the promised party calls your bluff. Then what? Do we then sacrifice the one goat and divide it's carcass amongst the debt collectors? From where I am standing, it quite looks like that's what will come of all this. But I feel nothing ... because, I was once part of a goat paddock trying to meet the promised camels output, now I am a scorned leper in a corner. Isolation kills the spirit - but I have fought so many battles before, this is yet another war game for me.

I always learn from mistakes ... however big or small they be, because a lesson learnt is never wasted. Here and now I know that if ever I am in a position to make a promise to anyone I will promise only pigeons and deliver peacocks :)))) ... we get smarter don't we :)) **eheheheheheh**

Happy days all .....

27 March 2009

Kudos Ambiga ... Mar 27, 2009

I remember googling something else and I saw this in some papers. Didn't seem to find it in any of our local online news ... but then again I wasn't paying attention at that time as I was keenly looking up something else.

But here's our very own Ambiga Sreenevasan, President of the Malaysian Bar Council receiving the Secretary of State's Award for International Women of Courage at the State Department in Washington DC presented by Hillary Clinton in the presence of Michelle Obama ... what an awesome combination of women with brains and guts and gumption.

But somehow this news was not significant enough to be plastered across the front pages of local dailies ... I mean our Oxford drop out high end prostitute who is a British citizen got more coverage haahahha - ah well you are not surprised anymore in Malaysia are you?

Congratulations to Ambiga, you have done women, Indians and Malaysia proud ...

Some links to read about her and her thoughts
1. here
2. here
3. here - at the presentation ceremony
4. here - The Hindustan Times piece
5. here - the award presentation

.ani Goes Kiddie Skytrexing .... Mar 27, 2009

The team that took the challenge ... note there are no men here hmmmm

Ok ..... I dunno what transpired here but somehow my girl friend Preets invited some of her buddies with kids to celebrate her elder boy's 8th birthday at the Bukit Cerakah Park aka Botanical Park Shah Alam (signage to this place is rather all confusing along the Federal Highway and once you pass Concorde Shah Alam) ... all she said in the invite, kids wear covered shoes i.e. sneakers and take the train to SKYTREX.

Now if my marbles had been in place properly I might have tried to Google this Skytrex thing up to see what I was getting into.

Ashna gets the secured and that's Julian the 'eye-candy'

So come Sunday morning last week (22nd) me, the girls, my buddy Ju and her son Emery pack into Charles and off we zoom heading towards Shah Alam. Interesting thing here is me and Shah Alam and the countless roundabouts are quite an allergic reaction. Thankfully Ju has an aunt somewhere thereabouts so we figure we're on the right road.

Preets directions are well ... ermmmm bad! Following her directions to a T we found ourselves climbing a slope and errrr at the Shah Alam Police Station ... hmmmmmm not like we wanted to make a report or anything ... so we do a U-turn and head of further looking for this elusive right turn at the traffic lights that takes you to the park.

We managed to find it parked, used the loos (thankfully other than ants - being nature nature and all it was rather clean at that hour) and waited for next instructions.

We got the tickets for the bus ride to Skytrex, climbed a bus ... went on a 20min drive along the park where the only noticeable stop was the Paintball Range - errrr and we were back at the pickup point ... one call to Preets tells us apparently there are 2 buses ... one goes to the Paintball Range one goes to Skytrex - errr a little annoucement might have helped ... but the kids enjoyed the 20min ride through the park so we're not complaining.

Uncle Ku giving safety instructions

Later we meet Vicki and her 2 kids and with the birthday cake and we hurtle along again in the right bus this time to the Skytrex. Now along the way I've noticed that this Skytrex is a obstacle challenge type thingie ... oh oh .. my kids and the great outdoors ... this is sOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo going to be fun **nervous laugh**

And yes .. that's what this is about ... a party in the park with some high energy climbing and hanging and walking across hanging obstacles and even a flying fox or two ... now I am totally totally out of shape what with cranky knees, broken back and all that excessive weight.

While suiting up with the harness, the girls seem excited. Kasha is all go go go ... Ashna is not too sure but she's ra-ra for now ... and then we have the start ... at obstacle 3 which is the walking across looped hanging ropes, Ashna says no more go and wants to go back.

Kasha on the other hand scared as hell, gets 'rescued' across by the very kind Uncle Ku and assisted along by the very helpful Uncle Mizi manages to complete the whole Kiddie Skytrex course with some tears and smiles.

Ku 'rescues' Kasha

Me ahahahhaha I have to admit, I passed out at one point up there whilst trying to get Kasha up on the platform - the stress and strain of hanging balancing swinging and trying to keep stable on ropes and bamboo were just a bit too much for this old lady ...

Thankfully Mizi was still around to help and I managed a weak call out to him to say help I am about to faint I need you to get my child on the platform. He came like the wind across and managed to get Kasha unto the platform when I slipped off the bamboo and was left hanging by the harness totally woozy cold and wanting to puke ... was sweating profusely I thought I might be having a heart-attack.

Great shot of me trying to get across and not fall

Not the way I see myself leaving this world ... all dramatic high up in the trees eheheheh. Mizi managed to help semi-conscious me get my feet unto the platform and pushed me from behind (I have to take my hat off to that boy he managed to push giant me) so that I crawled unto the platform and waited till pulse and everything got back to normal and I am proud to say I did complete the course.

Of course the fitter amongst you might mock me for the fact that this was just a kiddie route and all that drama ... well try doing it with your kid in front of you and see how taxing it is ... the adults route is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy scarier ... dunno if I will ever give that a shot but at the end of the day ... I did have a blast and I felt I too overcame some of my fears.

Kasha completes the route

I did the flying fox, I did the walk across albeit that one fainting spell, I showed my girl that one cannot give up and really once we start out there's no turning back. Kasha did good. Ashna, she's got some overcoming of fears and self doubts and she'll do good too.

Kasha reminds me of my sister Babs and her devil may care even if I die trying I am going to go out there and have a ball and Babs usually does ... Kasha is like that. Ashna is like me. Thinks too much, plans to much and worries too much ... life kinda passed me way too often in the past, and at 38 I want to live life knowing I have taken all the opportunities it gives me and made the best of it. Ashna too will get there eventually and as her mommy, my role is to ensure that she never feels like she's failed - every effort is a worthwhile try for it shows us the next level to which we can progress to.

Here are some pictures of the course and me looking all gung-ho post the fainting spell ahahhaha I smile it seems ... or was that gritted teeth???

Wanna give it a go? Visit SKYTREX it's worth the team-building spirit and conquers fears of both adults and kids ... and it's a great way to spend a Sunday morning with family and friends ....

Preets I have known since 11, Ju since I was 3 ... Now our kids are friends too since birth ... what an awesome way to build muhibbah ties that bind into the next generation in the Malaysia of diversity we believe can and must exist.

Happy Weekend all and Earth Hour tomorrow ... do your little bit for Planet Earth!

26 March 2009

Political Morons ... March 26, 2009

PKR has made a report about threats to Nizar life ... and this is the moron blogger who has put this up - the mentality is simply amazing ... MORON MORON MORON ....

The blog post is here ... obviously in the Malaysian Malay political arena killing people unsheathing and kissing the keris, C4 blow ups if people become a liability in pursuit of dreams easy solution - kill them off.

Politically or literally it works to someone's gain obviously.

As a minority race 4th generation born and raised Malaysian, my daughters' futures are no longer what I envisioned for them. Perhaps these are the subtle hints that Malaysia is no longer home to non-Malays only perhaps for descendants of pirates, robbers and traitors themselves who now band themselves as Sons of the Earth and denying the true sons of the earth any rights ... but hardworking hopeful non-Malays are called derogatory names, denied many basics in the name of Malay supremacy and more people hurt than ever before ...

Now they in-fight amongst themselves. Like dogs over scraps ... and wily cats mewing and purring where more favor can be gained. For a few thousand dollars people go missing, people jump ship, people betray the trust of others, people are no longer people.

And this is merely the top layer of a festering puss filled maggot crawling sore that will not heal or go away no matter how much skin tone foundation you put on it to make it all look good on the outside. Zaid Ibrahim's piece was definitely spot on.

This Malay greed is going to lead us all into anarchy, and when they cannot contain their own greed and jealousy, they will turn on the minorities ... and for assistance they have all their 'Malaysianised' bretheren from across the Straits of Malacca, who in turn wait for us to fall totally into smithereens so that they can finally annexe us.

Perhaps this is indeed the true ending of the so called fictional Sejarah Melayu with babies from split bamboos and non-Muslim Alexander the Great being Muslimfied ... indeed we live in a fictional wayang kulit Malaysia Boleh.

I have no more belief in those who govern us, sad but true .... and I am afraid of my tomorrows. What more for my daughters ....

**is anxious and restless**

Earth Hour 2009 ... March 26, 2009

In Malaysia on 28th March Saturday 20:30 to 21:30 .... let's do our world a favour and switch off our lights ... and share an inspiring one hour of togetherness with family and friends ...

Let this be a start to individual commitment to saving our dying planet ... we have no place else to go and this is home for all of us.

Small steps even though it might seem like a publicity stunt but it is a movement that can ignite the flames of environmental consciousness.

1 hour ... Saturday night - let the world unite in a small gesture to a tomorrow of hope and sustained living of planet earth ...

Have you pledged your Earth Hour? Sign up here and make a small but significant difference.

24 March 2009

Practical Me heheehhe ... Mar 24, 2009

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

1. Open this website : http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
2. Take the Personality Quiz (it's VERY short and easy, really)

21 March 2009

Someone Take Responsibility Here!!! Mar 21, 2009

Ok ok those who want to knock me about my own speed fiending on the highways please hold your horses ya ... I might speed yes, I even pay all my summons without complaining - you speed you pay la! End of story ... but I do know when to move aside and let the other maniac go past ... there's no point really fighting on the road and putting myself in danger ...

Anyhows ... this rant is specifically out to the Malays and only Malays (ain't no racist but really you people better start taking responsibility) - parents and kids - somebody bloody wake up and take responsibility for the menace on the roads - them bloody fooking Malay bikers.

I live in a 99% Malay neighbourhood. One of my esteemed neighbours is a Yg Berhormat. In front of my house is a very wide long stretch of road about 1.5km long from end to end. A few years ago, thanks to too many illegal motorbike races at all ungodly hours of the night, speed bumps were place at intervals on this stretch - but it would seem that nope this is not good enough deterrent to this moronic imbeciles!

What baffles me even more is the fact that all this punks are not even of legal age most of the time to be on a bike as a rider. As a pillion perhaps but not as the rider ....

Then there's the fact that they are 99.9% of the time without a helmet - apparently Malay heads are made of unbreakable concrete hence what's all the blah blah about helmets really - you know what I mean????

If there is a helmet on this idiot's head, the straps are flapping in the find across his face as he kamikazes over the speed bumps, with his modified kapcai 70cc bike imagining the likes of being Valentino Rossi! .... Scant disregard for the safety of other road users let alone the children who might be cycling on the the drive ins to the houses.

They will start at the bend I have to turn into, or they will race along the road that has houses left and right and more Malay kids whose parents have no time to see what their children are up and the run blindly across the roads especially at dusk when lighting is bad or suddenly scuttle out of a bush by the side of the road and the fact that they might be vehicles on the road does not seem to be in their "concrete heads"

The number of times these biker morons minus helmets do the wheelie or whatever shit they call those stunts and fallen bike and all on the road, hurt themselves and limped off with the other morons instead of being concerned about their friends injuries they are falling over laughing ... if you scold them, they are rude and target your house for rubbish throwing and being the ONLY NON MALAYS in like forever in this housing estate it would seem better to keep silent - especially after the slashing of my dog some years ago and also the poisoning of the dog after we saved her from the slashing episode.

They have no respect ... if you are outside with the kids they will yell KELING as they go by ... and you wonder about the next generation and politicians ... we're fooked majorly if this so called educated housing estate population ... they teach their kids to call Indians Keling ... so forward thinking I know ...

Yeah yeah you can tell me to pack up and leave ... but my immediate neighbours are all elderly people - no kids around or thankfully their grandkids are not yet at the mat rempit biker age yet ... but this is getting to me! This has been home for 31yrs ... am not about to pack and leave just because of some mat rempit type morons ...

Lately almost every evening there's a bunch of them and when I reach it's dusk and they are riding with no lights or anything and I have to swerve to avoid knocking them while already keeping a parameter check for kids and cats darting out of bushes!

Kids are knocked over ... kids fall off bikes ... kids underaged are on their brothers/fathers bikes helmetless and no one seems to be bothered ... and when tragedy befalls it irks me to hear that one word Malays use when they really cannot justify their own stupidity in not avoiding the tragedy ... TAKDIR ... WTF you mean it's God's will.

  • Is it God's will that you have no responsibility but to let your underaged child ride your bike???
  • God's will that without a licence or helmet to protect his/her head?
  • God's will that should your child be run over or knocked off or falls on his/her own accord and crack their skull?
  • Is it God's will then that I should be the one to see this?
  • I should be the one who should feel angered?
  • I should feel responsible perhaps to rush your child to hospital?
  • God's will that your own irresponsibility in nurturing a sensible child with limitations to what he/she can or cannot do led to their untimely death or left them paralysed?

Why blame God when he gave you the brains to know what is right and wrong ... but then again ... seeing as you the parent itself seems to have scant regard to putting on a helmet leave alone properly fastened. You drive big fancy cars with large families but never buckle up your kids nor do you use the seat belt up front yourself ... so how will you teach your children any better?

And we wonder why statistically the road deaths are always higher percentage of Malays causing the accidents, dying and taking a few others along with them ... Indians and Chinese there are some morons too but even the worst type taiko tai and macha muniandy type even with his boombox booming loud music usually is wearing his seatbelt - at least he'll be in better shape at impact ...

So if you're a Malay parent - can you please keep your car and bike keys away from where your obviously indisplined children. We don't need to read like we did a few days ago about the decapitated and de-limbed 13 year old who snuck out at 3am and ended up dying because when he should have been home safe sound and asleep he chose to dice with death and met his untimely end ... his parents weren't even aware their son had left the house leave alone end up dead in pieces so close to home ... and invetably, I'm sure God was blamed yet again for something someone could have avoided.

I am angry because today, when I was reversing out of my house I had to keep an eye out for the one about to zoom off and the one zooming back and then they without their helmets decided to do some dance in front of my car right in front of the mosque and all those aging pakciks who are trying to build their stairway to heaven but obviously these kids are heading in that direction a lot earlier if no one pulls them up and stops them from wasting their lives.

I guess when people have nothing to work towards but live fattened lives of subsidies and government grants and a free walk into anything - their brain no longer functions like the rest of us who have to then this is what happens ... nobody cares what happens to their loved ones ... You can keep making babies ... but ensure the ones you've already had don't die because of your lack of parental responsibility ... as a parent myself, I worry constantly for the safety ... can you do the same for yours?

I don't think it's too much to ask is it?????????

13 March 2009

Friday The 13th ... Mar 13, 2009

You know how everyone goes Friday the 13th - alamak ... well ... according to this wiki link ... this superstition only came about in the 19th century ... (link).

Then there was of course the Horror Movies of the 80's with the first of that 12 servings being Friday the 13th ... which subsequently went on to become a franchise and if not mistaken there was a remake of the movie in 2004.

With such a serving of madness, one wonders what the cinema goers of that time were looking for going for each sequel with an almost religious commitment.

Well today was the 2nd Friday the 13th that 2009 holds. One more to go ... :))

And after dropping the kids off at school, I was driving up to KL. Barely 5mins on the highway, I was crawling. A quick call to the Traffic Updates told me that there was an accident at KM269.5 in a bus and 3 cars ... stay on the middle lane ... well 45mins later I passed the accident site which was about 3km from the time I made my call.

It was pissing hard down on the highway and then I saw out of the corner of my eye, a familiar yellow Gen-2 driving on the emergency lane. I smiled. It seemed to be an omen seeing this car after many many months. Soon after, I was speeding along as fast as I could given the rain and all. Screeched into the first available parking lot at the Duta Court Complex, grabbed my bag and umbrella and headed off for what was the very first time my divorce matter went on after so many years of waiting.

When I walked into the court, there he was with her and her sister (the now identified antagonist all these 6 years) and I had all the way driving known that I would see them 3 there and I was again going alone. I had wondered if I would be alright - you know me, I tend to have the strangest emo moments when I least expect it.

But I guess the years have let all water pass under this bridge long time ago. Then it went on to negotiations ... and I swear that's the only time I ever feel like wanting to scream at him. But what results would that derive ... so negotiate we did ... back and forth, back and forth, and his indecisiveness throughout like he couldn't make a firm decision for our girls without first consulting others made me see him in new eyes ... I felt sorry for him.

A strange thing you might think. Here sits before me the man I trusted my life with, had his children, and then he uptailed and left me hanging around waiting waiting waiting for him to do good by his daughters. For 6+ years I've waited.

The anger the hatred the bile I felt has all evaporated a long time ago. Even seeing them together did not stab at my heart like I thought it might some years ago when thinking of the end. But here I sat across him flitting from irritation and feeling sorry for him. Sorry because I felt he'd sold his soul some time ago and the buyer was not one easily appeased.

Eventually we came to a settlement. Not before more drama when we went back into the courtroom. I really had to feel incredulous. Here was a couple for all intent and purposes within the Malaysian context in an extra-marital affair and with a son out of wedlock and they wanted to bicker about what is already stipulated in the Law. And to an extent they seemed to say go ahead to full trial with I am not sure if false bravado or not ... I was fine to go to trial if need be - that was always the last option. I thought he'd know that, there's nothing for me to feel ashamed of - marriages fall apart. Point to note : he left me with our kids, she stole a married man, they have a child now. But people do what they feel is right.

And today, at the end of all this negotiations and unwanted stress, the presiding judge consented to granting divorce. The decree absolut will be out in some months and for now I am technically unofficially divorced. That paperwork is going to something I look forward to getting in my hand. It's a closure for a pain that dragged on too long. I long ago said ok, just do it right by the girls.

I don't think I got what the girls really deserve, but I know I tried my best for their futures. And to me their futures are the most important. Marriages happen. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. But what matters is we tried our best. Perhaps both he and I did not do our best in our marriage. Hopefully in his current relationship, he does better. Even if he doesn't, it doesn't matter to me - and that's just an awesome feeling to acknowledge.

Like my friend Preetha said, I was there on your wedding day and I am here today when you are granted your divorce. We have gone a full circle. Take time ani, heal, look after your health and be happy. And I think she's got a point. I'm going to take it easy and reassess my life and plan for the future. This is an end to a marriage that wasn't working out. But it's also a start for new things.

One small step at a time ... like baby steps we move into the future with fresh excitement of what awaits us ....

To Jacob, Siew San and son - all the best. Like I told ya long time ago, go forth and be happy.

What might have started out a drabby rainy day, ended for me with a smile and a new found sense of relief that finally this is one chapter we can depart from. He has new ones to write in his book of life, and so do I ... mine's always colourful, full of love and rollercoaster rides .... best kind of book don't you think?

It now seems I have to stop being chicken and go get that tattoo finally .... anyone care to keep me company while I make a fool of myself sweating buckets and wincing in pain???? But this is .ani going forth!

Mission Control to everyone, Happy Weekending :))))))

12 March 2009

9 And Counting ... Mar 12, 2009

I am simply stunned .... my elder girl is 9. Jeepers time is just flying by .... at times makes me feel like I'm so freaking ancient myself and yet at other times, I feel like a child myself - ehheehhehe must be age!!

After she'd gone to sleep last night, and while I coughed myself to death thanks to damn lung polluting air ... I went through the whole pregnancy and delivery and henceforth through my mind ... I think perhaps other mothers might understand this strange trip down memory lane even as our children grow and fledge their wings, we cannot but remember the various emotions we went through from learning we have a life inside us growing, the 40 weeks of ups and downs and finally their arrivals ... at no point is it really a walk in the park for there are always challenges in bringing forth that new life safely into the world.

Although the memories of Ashna's journey into this world and subsequently Kasha's arrival does often leave me with an undescribable pain in my heart when it comes to memories of their co-creator who has not featured in our lives for what is now going into year 7 of a very very long separation and long pending divorce, the joy of having them both in my life makes that pain seem just a distant throb now and in time I know it will no longer be there - just a matter of tying loose ends up and moving along.

The one stark memory that cracks me up till this day is when Jacob fainted from all the blood and the size of the epidural needle that the dr was trying to get into my lower spine. Now those close to me would know how as he fainted as I had been bending forward holding on to him, I ended up stretching almost falling off the bed trying to avoid him hitting his head against the cabinets and having a concussion - now that would have been additional unwanted drama ... I used to laugh about it often - had it been recorded, it was rather comical ... I mean I was the one with a god damn needle being inserted in my spine at the height of labour pain and guess who ended up needing attention ... the world is a strange place.

But one stark reminder of that incident has been the pain I have had to live with for the last 9 years which intensified during the time I was pregnant with Kasha and post her delivery when I had my back stuck for a week ...

In 2004 I was diagnosed with a displaced disc. In 2008 after the MRI it has been found that my L5 is detached from the spinal column and hence it's a matter of living with the pain and making sure I don't aggravate it too much till it ends up needing spinal surgery or worse causing paralysis.

Now that bit of information did not bring me any joy - because I need to be mobile, I need to be working for a long long long time to see my girls through education and life. I sometimes wonder if in letting Jacob fall and crack his head instead of strecthing to break his fall and instead put myself at risk with a needle partially in my back would have been a better option. That moment of compassion and concern could likely be the point and source of this injury that I have to live with. Didn't want the father of my child to be unconscious at the time of her arrival ... but did I compromise my own health for his? Not like if I end up paralysed in the near future, he is going to be coming forward, you know what I mean ... Oh well, too late now. It's a done deal.

One gets creative in dealing with such physical pain. And you've got ice packs, hot packs, physio if you can afford it, yoga even if again you can afford such luxuries. Over the years sitting in 'painless' postures has caused the onset of spondylosis to my neck which in turn is now more pain management - kih kih kih ... I feel like if I could go out and buy new parts and do a complete overhaul I will.

And over the years from not being able to be active, weight has packed on again (rather unceremoniously) and that's now caused me degenerative knees. After that complete ortho visit which burnt a hole in my pocket because I could not ignore the pain anymore, I woke up with the decision that I gotta get my life back in control. I've to live till I'm 75 or more :))

I have for the longest time been on some sorta kamikaze suicide mission to just survive. And I have stopped living. Ask me how to survive, I can tell you a million ways to do it, but ask me have you been living ani - I'd be hard pressed to give you even an instance where I felt truly alive. Good books, and very grounding conversations with people who love me have made me see, I've got to start taking time to look after me if I plan to execute all these grand plans I have for me and the girls ... no use having plans and not being there on hand to execute them.

That's where my kids come into play. They are my reminders that I have to live a fulfilling life in order to give them fulfilling lives too ... I am their role model, their mom and their dad. That awakening within myself has made me revisit certain things in my life and also on-goingly revisit other elements of my life and try to find ways to make it better.

Ashna is 9 today. No more squalling baby in diapers. In 9 more years she'll be spreading wings and heading off to college. I have 9 more years to build the best memories of her childhood she can look back on and feel it's been a life well lived so far. Am not sure if I'm going to get that plan right but I sure as hell am going to try.

Afterall as mommy, I'm 'supergirl' in my 2 angels' eyes ... that's superhero enough for me eheheheheh and may I live up to it always ...

Happy Birthday Ash ... you're a great kid hands down, mommy's cheering for you pompoms, placards and foghorn too :)))) and it's just the 3 of us girls into the future that's so bright we gotta put on our shades!!! :))

6 March 2009

Polls Say Alot ... Mar 06, 2009

Lately I have been looking at a lot at the news, visiting different bloggers for different viewpoints. Yes even occasionally checking out what that racist wannabe ex chief minister says - which inevitably gets my blood boiling and I hate for being Malaysian - which is something I find only very lately.

I've always been proud to say I am Malaysian. But let's just say in the last 7 years, GOD! I am pretty embarrassed to admit I am but well I am Malaysian and still trying to find slivers of reasons why I remain so. **SIGH**

Ok so Polls ... what about it? Well interestingly, it would seem that everything the government is doing on the political scene is not gaining any brownie points in the eyes of the urban and educated. It would also seem that the rural folks are not that gullible anymore especially when it comes to casting their votes especially so in the wake of the government's let's buy your vote splurges we keep hearing about. The amounts of money spent on by-elections could very well be spent on reviving our fast grinding to a halt economy.

All this sandiwara on the political front is not REALLY detracting anyone from the realities that people are having sleepless nights trying to stretch non-existent dollars, mounting debts and bills and mouths to feed. Eli Wong became a victim of manupilation, Soi Lek is suddenly in the news again, Anwar is battling the High Court move, RPK is battling his impending long detention if he fails his legal battle, Karpal was at the mercy of what is supposed to be the grooming ground of UMNO's future leaders - shit scary if you ask me especially after viewing the video clip of what transpired - I was seriously afraid for Karpal and his aide who was pushing the wheelchair. What mob mentality was that man - and nooooooooo nobody spliced nothing or edited footage from elsewhere - this was seriously scary shit to think this is where we're heading too.

I think there were in the past comparisons of Malaysian politics being no different from Zimbabwe (seeing as Mugabe has a holiday home here - sheez!) or other corrupt African regimes and naturally the knee jerk type vehement denials from those in the corridors of power.

All the average Malaysian on the street sees is a fight for survival to come out top of the heap in UMNO forget BN that doesn't exist anymore. It's all about one party and one party alone. Component?? Apa itu? I might be given to thinking that these now sidelined component parties might have better luck in the other component party the one on the otherside across the parliament sittings. Forget the one you're currently hinged unto - they have forgotten what the forefathers of this country envisioned, they deny the contributions of many of our multi-racial forefathers and if possible they'd like very much to make everyone think their is but one supreme race.

Well errrmmmmmmm I work with many of this race, most can't stand this one supreme party, they're more in favour of the green dot in white party as opposed to the one with keris in it's logo ... or they believe in the ideologies of the Opposition more than they do overly rehashed rhetoric of people who are only safe-guarding their own interests - again Rakyat? Apa itu???? Sounds good for speeches behind rostrums only la.

This morning driving to work I heard the DG from ISIS talkabout the mini budget but what caught my interest most was when she said consumer confidence will only be boosted when people believe in the government and what the government is doing (note: not ad verbatim) - errr Mr. Government - I think this is the key to your success in leading the people of this country out of this recession - do the Rakyat believe in you???

From what the newpaper/online polls, from the results of your recent by-elections despite the millions spent to romp home to victory - you have lost ... and this too in the rural areas where government propaganda in the past has helped to win 2/3 majority.

I think the people see through your ruse - can you open your eyes and pry away the self encompassing greed and work for the people who still have faith in you enough to have voted you into power - because otherwise, you are the people who will destroy this country and I don't want to be living in fear that someday I might suddenly find myself labelled "Illegal Immigrants from the Indian Ocean" because someone woke up and decided for all my blood sweat and tears, I have no rights to my nationality anymore.

Tis the weekend, and a long one - drive safe, buckle up behind and see you Tuesday next week :))