Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

29 August 2009

Flower Power ... Aug 29, 2009

If you have a function that needs flowers or cakes then you have to connect with the Baking Tai Tai :)) .... she's a childhood buddy of my sister and her ideas for my sister's wedding was simply awesome.

She's just started a blog so here's hoping her picture gallery is up soon for more insight into how she just tells stories with her creations.

Check out Let's Be Marry!! for flowers and cakes that simply take your breath away ... I am sure you'll not regret letting AA have a go on your special occasion decor or cake :))

Going On 52 But Juveniles Still .... Aug 29, 2009

I'm no politician - Thankfully!! but still many nights I cannot go to sleep with a conscience that is clear because I feel I could have done somethings better.

I really begin to wonder what their secret is - to be so evil and vile and hurt so many people with their little games calculated to incite anger and suspicion and repulsion towards each other.

We may be going into 52 years of independence from the British but if we decided to keep anything from the colonials is the 'Divide and Rule' policy. Keep everyone in their little separate cages and feed them what will invoke the right responses so that we can then say - See, our policies are the best the way they are, giving equality and freedom of expression creates chaos.

Then our politicians can sit back smile smugly and thank Pavlov for ringing bells to dogs conditioning then to react to certain bits of information - bell ringing=food. (read: Pavlovian Conditioning)

Well after you see this clip you will wonder what is becoming of this place you call home.

Errr where was the FRU and tear gas and water cannons? Where was the infamous PDRM?? Why aren't there arrests and ISA slapped on immediately. Will the kids seen the video be taken to task and their parents too???

Police say they cannot do anything because there is no report. Hahahahaahah am laughing my ass off here. Did the Makkal Sakti walks and the Hindraf boys have a chance?? Nooooooooo of course not here in Malaysia if you're backed by the government anything you do is A-ok!!

I am still sickened by this whole thing like I am sickened by the MACC role in Teoh's death and sickened with how the Mongolian blowup case went ... I am just thoroughly sickened by this country's corrupt greedy politicians.

And now anything I write might be deemed seditious because in the end, if the manage to cull the thoughts of thinking rational people, they can do whatever they want with the half-baked moron they use for such despicable acts.

Malaysia you might be 52 years independent and 46 years as a nation but you still have learnt nothing of respecting your people whose blood and sweat and love for this place we call home has helped build you up. Forget not the people who shared in your dream - today you are telling them dreams are bullshit, we hold the reigns of power, we will do as we please.

The rakyat is nothing but a rhetoric used to try and win elections - but alas the rakyat is also now thinking about who we should really want to be leading us.

Perhaps the Rakyat will finally speak up and change will come. I hope you have enough funds siphoned out and stashed to keep you going once you find Malaysia no longer wants you here!

I mourn for my country. And I am negative in my outlook - just take a clear headed view of what is happening everyday all around and you might be at least compelled to take your lazy butts down to the SPR to register as a voter and make a difference. PRU 13 - we must speak louder as a people of Malaysia. We must shake UMNO so bad that they crumble and fall and then only will Malaysia really and truly begin to be the Malaysia we all want to live in.

Register as a voter and make a difference - speak up for your right as a Malaysian.

27 August 2009

Another Blogger's Journey Begins... Aug 27, 2009

This week it would seem another blogger in the family is born :) ... you might ask how so ... well Ashna my elder girl whose blog I began and helped do the typing and story-telling for a few posts has been suddenly bitten by the blogging bug :))

She's began with 2 short posts about her music exams that were on the 26th. I've done some minor proof-reading and put in the punctuation marks and stuff. But it's an interesting effort.

Now what's interesting about this is that I am hoping that seeing her elder sister start to undertake ownership of her blog might spur Kasha the younger to improve on her spelling and try her hand at blogging too eventually. For now, she tells me her story and I put it down on the net :)

It's nice to see Ashna take an interest in this and for a 9 year old I guess it's as good a time as any - but then now I have to keep an eyes out on how she interacts on the net. Because better safe than sorry I guess is the motto here.

Anyways, if you see her posts updated, drop by she does get a little kick seeing visitors increase on her blog :) and don't forget she's just 9 ... here's to a journey of words and writing ... hope she enjoys it as much as I do.

8 August 2009

I Had A Dream ... Aug 08, 2009

I few weeks ago, I woke up sometime in the wee hours of the morning and lay starring at the ceiling of my room in the blue illumination from the aircon light. And turning to my right I found my younger girl curled up as close as she could get into my shoulder.

I sighed. I felt some hot tears on my cheeks and then I closed my eyes and tried to grab some precious sleep. But it did not come easy and I tossed and turned listening to the breathing of my child and the aircon and all sounds of that hour of silent day.

I'd had a dream. I was sitting at a table. At ease and comfortable. And across me sat a woman familiar to me. And we seemed to be chatting and laughing over children and their antics and how ours seemed so much like their father.

We conversation seemed to flow. And we both seemed to be waiting for the children to return. And then they did, my 2 girls and her son with their father. All seemed happy. All seemed at ease and amiable. It felt right, as I waved goodbye. The girls hugged him and we drove off chattering about the day that has passed.

The reason I'd woken up I suppose was because she was the 'now' wife, I was the 'then' wife and he was the father who'd taken all his children out for a day with daddy.

I lay staring at the ceiling wondering if ever there will come a day when perhaps this might happen.

I often wonder why Indian men who leave their wife and children can never seem to remain responsible fathers to their children. The moment they have another woman warming their loins, they forget that they once fathered children with the ex. And these children also need their father's love and attention.

Children need parents to give them an anchor in their lives. Parents who correct them, who spoil them but most importantly who love them for who they are and shaping them in who they will become.

Having grown up watching many Mother's and Father's Day movies where step-parents have also gone more than the extra mile for the love of their children. Divorced parents remain friends for their offsprings sake ... it used to move me tears growing up. I used to look at my own often times bickering parents and think why can't they be like these stories.

Hence when I got married, I imagined that happy family environment for my kids and hubby and me. Well we know that didn't work out exactly as I had envisioned.

One of my most fervent hopes at the onset of this epic separation journey was that Jacob would be a good father to his girls. Putting aside his differences with me, he'd love his daughters. Be a responsible father. That too has not come to pass. Instead he's not laid eyes or contacted his daughters since that faithful day in April.

And I asked myself later in the morning as I was driving why had I dreamt something that was totally impossible to happen. Although had he been a little more responsible, and long tied up the loose ends and let all move along with our lives, his son and woman he could have legalised as his wife not keep her hanging as his mistress (and keep me hanging as wife), I am open to keeping the ties open, to remain friends. So it didn't work out for us as man and wife, perhaps we could remain just friends who once had children together.

Am I am dreamer with no grasp whatsoever on reality? I think I am more than a realist as time goes by. But my dreams help me work harder to find the way forward. My dreams keeps my heart alive despite all the insanity that surrounds it. My dreams harbour hope for better tomorrows and good lives for my girls.

I suppose my subconscience wants Jacob and me to come to middle common ground. I want him to be responsible and be a father to his girls in what manner and way he might be able to show that with his limited time with them.

He cannot think that just because he has found himself another womb to host his seed to grow into children, I might as easily find a man who might be father to my girls. The reality of things is men are not as willing to take on the role of fathering another man's child as much as there are women more than willing be wombs to a already married man. The odds are against me from many aspects in find one such man with a big enough heart to want to love me and my girls as his own.

Plus I simply hate to think that in finding myself a man, I'd be burdening him with what is really Jacob's responsibility. If Jacob can be responsible towards their son, what stops him from being equally so with our daughters? Why all the divisions and segregation and difference in how one woman's child(ren) and my children are loved?

Like I said before why can't Indian men see the difference? That the children are not to be made the victims of their dispute with estranged wife. And why can't they have more guts and balls to make decisions for their children. How is it that someone else gets to count the pennies that your children should get? For that I totally hate Indian men. They are badly brought up by their mothers all of them. Spoilt, obnoxious and totally irresponsible in dealing with problems like adults.

I have to say chinamen in that sense even if they are all round bastards, but their children they look after. In most cases they ensure that for their children's education they make allowances. Indian men are first class bastards there and they also seem to lose their brains the moment they walk out of their wife and kids. Malay men well there are both kinds. No wonder you say Indian women have an attitude - we do. Our men teach us to have attitudes because without it, we will crumble and die and who then will look out for our children?

I come to conclude that perhaps the dream was merely my subconscience speaking to me at what I am able to accept moving forward once all things are settled because holding grudges is detrimental to my own. But the reality is Jacob is not man enough to stand up and be a father. Sad but true.

And so such dreams merely go to remind me that in this journey I haul ass as mom and dad and with the way the odds are, I will do this alone till my final breath.

Life ... the journey's made by us so then I choose to make it a good one despite the turbulence in the past, and the uncertain of the future ... it is here and now. We live it to the best of our principles and values.

Where Were The Outriders?? .... Aug 08, 2009

You know this face? I am sure you have seen it some where. But I have to tell you something though .. this expression me thinks is standard packaging ... why you might ask??

Well on Friday (7th Aug) I was on the Sg. Besi TUDM stretch heading home to Seremban when I noticed this funky car with the plate DAW 1 - had to be someone really rich being single digits is what what crossed my mind. Then the fact that there was a Volvo S60 with the plate Kelantan DarulNaim immediately cutting behind it sparked my curiosity.

I was watching the car and how the driver was driving. Eventually I got up alongside of the car when I noted 2 passengers. The Volvo was a solo driver looking very tired and agitated with the crawling traffic. The driver of DAW 1 was on the mobile and from the side he hehehe looked Chinese to me and I was like hmmmm why'd a royal car be following this fellow ... so off we move along. He in the fast lane crawling, me in the middle lane crawling.

At one point I ended up somehow in front of this car and for a some 10mins in the crawl to the Sg. Besi toll I got to see who was the driver.

And I must add it was interesting to see Royalty with no outriders, or fanfare driving his hot Merc along with one other person - might I assume this was a bodyguard?? or perhaps a friend?? who seemed half asleep no protocols seemingly visible.

Eventually the Tengku Temenggong of Kelantan must have gotten fed up of seeing my Brake Faster Macha sticker haahahah and cut out to the middle lane and whizzed past the toll and I never saw the car again (but if you're behind the wheel of such a baby you'd fly too)

Having heard on the radio that there was a traffic halting accident down south near Seremban rest area, I decided to turn off through Kajang and head home. And then I made an interesting discovery of LEKAS highway - for RM4 bucks you go round to touch your nose and end up anyways in Mantin old road kah kah kah and with an e-tank on the petrol gauge you have to say it was an interesting twist in the dark.

But well next time you see the TToK driving his Merc DAW1 see if he's like any other person on the road stuck in the jam or is he with outriders screeching away ... but TToK nice colour and all but you really have to learn to not leave that jaw hanging like that coz 10mins you were behind me - and that was your standard expression.

Can't say nothing about your ongoing domestic drama but well at least you seemed almost human stuck like the rest of us common folk on a typical Friday crawl. For that you get me thumbs up. All the best in settling your case.

4 August 2009

EEEKKSS She' Got A Blog .... Aug 04, 2009

YES it had to happen.

She's all over the newspapers EVERY SINGLE DAY.

She's all over the news on telly EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS.

She's managed to get Old Man Lee to pay her a personal official visit ... and now she's gone where no Premier's wife has .... ***clashing of cymbals and all things clattery***

Now lo and behold the cyber world has finally fallen .... and what a scary sight to behold. I wonder how much they paid that artist to airbrush her face into something resembling a human and trying to make it look soft and caring when errrrr the unairbrushed give better perspective on that element of human emotions.

Anyways if you have the stomach for it (aside from the fact it's a sickening pink) .. please do venture to Plastic Face new address on the web .... and for all you know every click there might be paying for more facial enhancements (read botox) .... eventually they might actually get the look they're so trying to achieve.

But till then that 'helmet do' is soooooooooo not appealing - fire the hairdresser get someone new in please ... because the air-spray used is causing a big hole in our ozone layer that the haze is covering at the moment.

Only for the brave ..... if you dare

3 August 2009

Interesting Stupidity Awards ... Hehehe ... Aug 03,2009

We're all reading the aftermath of the August 1, 2009 Anti ISA march which our lovely Malaysian government decided to thwart from even before anything happened - if you were caught in the Friday crawls thanks to the stupid roadblocks put up by the boys in blue you will know what I mean. I spent 2 bloody hours crawling from Kelana Jaya LDP towards the Sprint to get to a friend's dinner party which in the end I gave up and headed for home in Seremban.

I had friends at that walk. And I can tell you I so wanted to be there too and perhaps I should have been because I thoroughly oppose the blatant misuse of this law by our politicians. Especially when it is bloody obvious that it only serves their purpose of culling any voice opposing their governance of this country.

Any rally or march or peace walk that is NOT organised by UMNO is immediately labelled ILLEGAL (have you heard how many times that word is stressed in our local news coverage - they are forced to otherwise licence revoked by Home Ministry la who incidentally was the hero who gave the order for the Police to arrest 'protesters' - which of course the IGP did with such glee!!!)

Here are some links to the news are the rest of the world saw it
1. Suara Keadilan
2. News.com.au
3. BBC - check the video out

This is what the world sees and what the world will equate this to is what they have seen in recent weeks in Iran - note we have not condemned Iran for what they have done to their protesters. Why you might ask ... well after seeing this display by the authorities - I guess it answers your questions.

They arrested children and kept them in remand - sorta like what the Palestinians are facing is it not?? But oh because Palestinians are such a pleasing to the eyes lot our government makes token 'bising bising' and then doing this here - if you are not pro government, then you are public enemy numero uno!

Children are the next generation and fining (20k) and jailing (10yrs) their parents for speaking out against what is wrong is not the way to nation building. People must be allowed to speak their minds - given a platform to do so without fear of unfair 'justice' being meted out to them.

What we saw on Saturday was total bias. Any pea brained would know that. Because I am sure the Pro ISA dudes (all UMNO backed!!) were MOST CERTAINLY LEGAL in their march to the palace to hand over their memorandum to the King. Go tell it to the Sepilok orang utans ok ... I am sure even they are laughing their naked butts off.

Ironically coalition members from Gerakan who tried to handover their Anti ISA memorandum were **ahem ahem* not following palace protocol and were unsuccessful. Can I tergolek laugh my arse off here please?? Dudes why la you no go as Pro ISA sure all kautim easy one. Too bad la your attempt tak jadi, I feel for you but your racial mix is the wrong one la sure kena reject!

My ISA badge for really stupid Malaysians I hand over to that comb over King who is fighting his tamil movie gangster style to hang on to his fast receding hairline and popularity - our now outlawed Hindraf brothers awakened the eyes of many Tamils who were blinded by our wannabe Rajinikanth and his son who are now feeling hot under their seats as the fires are fanned - where is the hard earned money people pumped into your MAIKA shares that's like toilet paper now???

But old Sam just can't keep his mouth shut - he had to come out with what he thinks is sooooooo earth shattering discovery - street demos keep investors away. Aiyo-yo-yo Samy potham man potham ... time for you to just retire and go back to Sg Siput and keep quiet - I hear the water there does wonders for your hair **kah kah kah kah** but before that liquidate your assets and pay back those people who invested in your toilet paper shares - am sure you won't miss too much. As in all Tamil movies, the kallan always either turns over a new leaf or dies at the hand of justice,... in this case I doubt you want to end up under ISA in your final days now do you along with Vel?

To be honest, I am sickened by what I hear see and read. This is not the Malaysia I want to raise my children in and if I hear any one of you small minded morons tell me to pack and leave, I say to you YOU PACK UP AND LEAVE!!! 4 generations born and raised in this soil - this is my tanah tumpahnya darahku. If you cannot fathom sharing this land, go back to where you came from first ... I am sure Indonesia will welcome you with open arms haahahhahahah before they make you maids and servants that is **evil cackle** just to show you what it feels like.

Malaysia oh Malaysia it seems your reckoning hour is at hand. Will the Malaysia we dream about never materialise and will those dreams be tear gassed and frightened out of us. My hope is that Malaysians will never stop chasing the dream that burns in our hearts. I dunno about the rest of you, but I believe all of us should stand equal, not allow scared frightened politicians to divide us by race religion and colour.

And may you Malaysian never ever have to learn what Detention Without Trial means because those who have walked that path know only too well the hell you go through. I SAY NO TO ISA! The choice is yours and yours alone.

If you have access - these pictures will speak for themselves just look at that smug look of the FRU fellow - big justice serving as he shoots tear gas into the innocent public.