Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

30 May 2008

She May 30, 2008

She was probably not even 4, but he made sure her world of dolls and make believe were a shattered memory.

The vile things he did to her left her frightened, confused, unsure, not trusting the touch of adults.

He not only used force, but threats and physical abuse to keep her silent, telling her she was trash, nobody would help her.

She bore this in silence and fear. A growing hatred for herself for being unable to cry out for help from those meant to protect her.

She was 11 when in her silent hunger for knowledge she learnt that what he did to her was a hideous crime. She was the victim. She had the right to cry for help.

She was moved to try protect her siblings from the same fate and humiliation she suffered. She was 11 when she told her story and begged them to stop him from touching her anymore.

He stopped. but her childhood was over. And adults do not always protect their own nor forgive themselves. Instead adults remind her she was the one at fault and continued to make her feel she was a dirty piece of nothing.

She was 21 before she came to terms, that she was the victim of man worse than monster. She had done nothing to deserve what he did to her, nor deserve the mental agony of forced silence and heaped shame and blame.

Today she looks back and then forward, head high, defiant of anyone who tells her otherwise, she is a survivor, she knows hell first hand, she is still here amongst those who live with hope burning bright

She is I

29 May 2008

Older Woman Younger Man vs Older Man Younger Woman May 29, 2008

This was the topic on the radio this morning as I was driving to work. And it's really funny but the reality is that there are many of these couples out there ...

Hell I dated Jaan for 18mths and he was 8 years my junior - those are moments until today I cannot classify as yet ... I was happy that someone loved me, and I was devastated that the same someone could hurt me so much.

After the 2 strikes with Jacob who happens to be my age, with Jaan who was 8 years junior and a very short attempt at trying to work a long distance relationship with Woody who was 9 years senior - I came to one simple conclusion.

It really makes no difference what the age difference is. It makes no difference what race or religion he is from and you are from. It makes no difference thinking he will be different from all the rest. In the end, it's about 2 people who care about each other and wish to see each other move forward and achieve what's good for them.

Relationships work because people work at it. Relationship exist happily because the people in it are happy being together.

Old man young girl or old girl young man - really is not the cause of concern here but rather what are these two people trying to achieve together or on their own.

I'm not some hot thing, but I do have men both young and old pay me compliments, show a keen interest in wanting to know me better, some what more than just a friend, some want to move it to another level - this another level is rather sensitive - it could be casual sex, it could be commitment, it could be a myriad of things.

And I remain single by choice now. I have my fair share of moments where my heart skips a beat or two at the pretty words some guy throws my way. I am after all a woman and still alive and there are needs that remain unattended to.

The choice is simple because I have not found the one I am looking for. And as many of my men friends would say, perhaps the one I am looking for only exists in my mind ... no man could ever meet those standards I seek.

Well if he exists only in my mind then so be it. I shall remain faithful to he who I see as mine, the one I see myself sharing my todays and tomorrows making them yesterdays to smile looking back on. The legion of 'fans' as Ilyas teased me the other day remain that, fans with misplaced affections for me perhaps or men I can always be candid and unplugged and uncensored with in my thoughts and conversations. And these same men come and go like the tide upon the shoreline.

They vary in age ... some older, some thereabouts and mostly younger. Some married, some divorced, mostly single men setting out into the world.

Most tell me they find me different, unique one of a kind. And I always point out that is because other than what we might share or confide in each other over the phone, or texts, conversations or emails, I am not disillusioned as to where our relationship stands - which is firmly friends. I have no expectations of having myself swept off my feet. I have no expectations that any of them will take my breath away - that 'X' factor is not there as in I have not sensed it in any of them.

I have left my options open. I will get my divorce decree to close one chapter. And I shall live life as it comes. No more expectation of some guy falling head over heels in love with me. no prince charming, no knights in shining armour who will take me and my girls away from all this to never never land where we shall live happily after ...

Nope none of that melodrama. I say options are open because, if someone does come along and does take my breath away and does show me that sometimes the most childish of dreams do come true ... I won't turn away from it.

I will give it my best shot and so will he I suppose and so will Ashna and Kasha too ... I've given up thinking about what race, what age, what background - if a man is serious about me, I will know it in my bones ...

For now to all those in love, give two hoots to societal taboos and falsely imposed restrictions on the premise of morality or whatever people use to thwart love, and give your relationship a good shot at being the one.

Younger guys need some mothering and maturity, older guys need to feel like they still rock your world. The same goes for the the women on either side of the scale ... and in the end it's about the respect and love you share ...

Don't fret about the detractors - they are probably wishing they were in your shoes ... living the loves of their lives :))

Be happy all ...



27 May 2008

Here In My Home

free download


video

Verse 1
Hold on brother hold on
The road is long.
We’re on stony ground
But I’m strong. You ain’t heavy

Verse 2
Oh there’s a misspoken truth that lies
Colors don’t bind, oh no.
What do they know? They speak falsely.

Chorus
Here in my home
I’ll tell you what its all about
There’s just one hope here in my heart
One love undivided
That’s what it’s all about
Please won’t you fall in one by one by one with me?

Verse 3
Push back sister won’t you push back?
Love won’t wait.
Just keep pushing on.
Yes I’m strong. You ain’t heavy.

Verse 4
Oh don’t you worry about that…
What we have shadows can’t deny
Don’t you know it’s now or never?

Rap

[Bahasa Malaysia]
Bertubi asakan berkurun lamanya
Hati ke depan mencari yang sayang

translation:
Years of fears and years of tribulation
The heart keeps searching for that endless devotion

[Mandarin]
手牵手大家一起走,
我代表华人开口未来就没有丢走

phonetics:
shou qian shou da jia yi qi zou
wo dai biao hua ren kai kou wei lai jiu mei you diu zou
translation:
Hand in hand we’ll march like blood brothers
I speak for my people we’ll find peace forever

[Tamil]
இந்த பயணம் பயணம்.. என் வெற்றி தாகம்,
அந்த கனா காலம்.. நம் வெற்றி ராகம்,
நண்பா.. நண்பா..

phonetics:
inthe payanam payanamm yen vettri thaagam
anthee kaana kaalam naam vetri raagam...nanba nanba
translation:
May the road ahead quench my thirst for success
May the road behind echo a song of the blessed

[English]
Yes I feel it in my bones and I will let it be known
No matter where I roam this is home sweet home
Sing!

- Words & Music by Pete Teo featuring rap by KLG Sqwad & Altimet
-------------------------------------------------


This song takes a little getting used to ... but it grows on you especially after you have a look at the video ... and the tune does stick in your head :))

Although I am still trying to understand the context of the haphazard lyrics thrown together ... I am sure it's going to find it's place amongst many of us 'UNITY RAKYAT' Malaysians ...

I found it funny when I read was it Najib who said Bangsa Malaysia will only come about when we all stop looking at each other on racial and religious backgrounds ... and when we come together and all say I am Malaysian.

Damn it WTF do they think we've been harping on about??? How can we have a Bangsa Malaysia when all over us we see 'pro satu bangsa/agama' only???? hmmmm come on Najib, don't ya grab at straws now that BN is sorta drowning its own miscalculated policies and talk about Bangsa Malaysia - the ones with some peas for brains have been crying out loud for this since 1957 ... will I see it in my lifetime???

We want unity and equality amongst all races. As an Indian I got to first start by saying I am Indian and stop there ... not go on to future identify with one ethnic group. I'm always proud to say I am Malaysian and I am Indian .... but really I am truly Asia :)) - I have Indian, Sri Lankan and Chinese blood in my veins ... I am truly Asian and the epitome of what Malaysia is about ...

If only our politicians wouldn't jump on the unity bandwagon when it suits their agendas but truly sincerely believe in one Malaysia for all.

For now enjoy the song, enjoy the video and be proud we're Malaysian - you never know how bad it's out until you're out of Malaysia ... the politicians are crap, the policies even crappier!!! But in the individuals I have met, there is no place like home ... and Malaysia is the home where my heart is ....

May we all be proud Bangsa Malaysia .... further made stronger with our diverse cultures, religions and peoples!!!


free download



20 May 2008

My Take On Some Thoughts 20 May, 2008

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
- I guess they got this right ... there are really only 2 people in this world that I'd die for ... Ashna and Kasha.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
- I thought about this for a bit and there's more than 15 for sure but yes they do love me in some way - Lucky ME!!!

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
- This is a bit of a tough one. Would there be anyone out there who wants to be just like me? I've had a lot of shit in my life and it's not easy street just yet ... but having said that, they perhaps want to have my "never say die" persistence to facing life.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
- Well if this is in relation to the folks who tell me "I love your smile" then I suppose this is true ... I do try to smile even on a crummy day and hope my smile makes someone else's day better and thus improve mine ...

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
- I wonder what they think about? hehehehe sounds almost naughty. Could someone be thinking of me and wondering how to make me theirs? How to be a part of my life and the girls lives? Or is someone thinking I am a pain in their arse? Or perhaps they are wondering how it might feel to spend a night/day with me doing things people end up doing when logic takes flight ... More importantly why would anyone think of me before the go to sleep??? *confused*

6. You mean the world to someone.
- I sincerely hope I do to someone - it be God awful to not mean anything to anyone - Don't you agree?

7. You are special and unique.
- You damn right I am!! It might have taken me 36 years to get to accepting this fact but yeah .. I am unique and special and if you don't think so - bite me! haahhahahahah

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
- oh noooooooo this is not good .... why wouldn't I know this person? Damn! I'd WANT to know this person .... whoever you are, take the chance tell me you love me ... Surprise me!

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
- Thought about this one for a bit ... and I figured, the biggest mistake I made was marrying Jacob despite the misgivings I had ... and the result of that mistake are my babies! Yeah I am blessed to be their mommy ...

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
- I don't think the world has ever faced me to begin with ... but nonetheless, I do continue to try and find my way through the haze ...

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
- another tough one here ... but am learning slowly to pay attention to the compliments and ignore the painful nasty comments ... after all life is about moving forward yes???



15 May 2008

Musings On A Cloudy Day 15 May, 2008

Its one of those cloudy like days when although the time reads closer to 11am the outside looks like its on the verge of dusk.

Somehow that energised rays of sunlight one feels at the dawn of a new day seems to be missing today - at least where I am. My mind seems also to be cloudy and troubled. Too many thoughts colliding from the many different bits of information and comments I have been hearing lately.

It might rain later along the day. Kinda further dampening the mood and outlook. It seems to me the weather is mirroring my present disposition. Anyhow what have I been thinking lately.

I was speaking to Pramod the other day, and he tells me that what I write or rather how I write is not the real me. This is the me I want the world to see whereas the REAL me is a lot more complicated and private and my writings are merely a scratch of who I am.

One lying mind game playing jerk (is there only one such person, actually there are a few of this genre I know - but only one comes to mind at the moment) tells me I need to grow up. Apparently he doesn't like me anymore ... oh wait actually he never liked me for anything more than to spill his bloody venom on whenever it suited him and then typically apologise when he thought I might actually remove his access to me. Well I have removed access to me and so now I am told good riddance and to grown up - OK ... noted.

So now I am confused. I write because I want to write what I write. It's what I am thinking about. I really haven't a clue what people are perceiving about me via my writings.

Pramod argues with me that the comment someone made that I am transparent and they know me through my blogs even before the meet me is incorrect. He says I might appear transparent but really I am not. Pramod says I am like an onion. Layers to peel before the real me is revealed and that too only if I allow people to peel those protective layers away.

This is Pramod. A self declared narcissist, totally and entirely wrapped up in himself. Now if he had been blessed with Adonis type looks, there would be no stopping Pramod. But as he says, God cheated him on the looks category. He is an interesting chap to talk with. What interests me about Pramod is he has put some of his dream into action. He loves the stage and limelight and he is pursuing that. And somehow we connect, so it's his right to his perceptions of me.

Actually sometimes being the mortal that I am ... I react to adverse comments people make about me. I get angry, lose my temper and implode - there's no point I explode is there? People don't care. To them my exploding is exactly the result they want. So I just focus on imploding the anger and negative feelings and then I blog. I write what bugs me to get it out of my system.

When I first read Jacob's court submission for our my divorce petition, I exploded! I don't deny it. I was freaking raving pissed off. The things he said there about me and how he pointed fingers everywhere but to himself that he picked me, he dated me, he screwed around with me, he asked for my hand, he insisted we get married when I asked him if this was what he wanted to do ... no no all that forgotten, it was everyone else's fault he married me the psychotic neurotic woman who went downhill after the birth of the girls that he was driven into the arms of his mistress. Aaaahhhhhh well now that's his story and I have mine.

I exploded with a lot of bile. I took pen and paper and wrote a hundred angry notes all addressed to that maggot I married ... and then I tore them all up into tiny tiny pieces and watched the wind scatter them taking my pain and anger away. I did that because, in the first 6 months of Jacob's walkout I wrote him emails and letters - full of anger and hurt and I was not polite with my vocabulary, he used those letters and emails as the basis of his accusations of my purported neurotics.

One always learns from mistakes. So from that point on whenever I heard anything about Jacob and his wench, and trust me, people love to tell you things about things you really don't wish to hear. Hence why I know so much about Jacob. If he knows anything about me, well am not surprised although I tend to lead a rather boring life he'd not be interested or maybe he is who knows. 6 years is a long time without closure, and people like to see how their words affect me.

In the early days, my obvious hurt would be visible despite the brave smile I put forward. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hurt then or even now, only the degree is different. Now when I hear anything, I smile my brightest smile, and shrug it off. In my private time I explode. More often implode.

Geogie my good friend says to me, Jacob didn't do anything I didn't let him do to me. He has a point. If I hadn't let Jacob court me, I'd be likely still an oddball single, but I allowed him into my life and he courted and made promises which I believed in. If I hadn't allowed Jacob the kind of independence from me because I am myself an independent woman, he'd have had not time to court anyone else whilst leaving me to independently look after the runnings of the home, the bills and the children. I allowed him to see the potential for him to walk out on me and that he could wash his hands off his responsibilities because I showed him that I never gave up no matter how bad things got.

And so Geogie is also right in a way. I kinda let myself get to this point, where I am still struggling and keep my feet firmly on the ground trying to make some sense of the future that is before me. Jacob has washed his hands off me and the kids, but not divorced me yet. Some friends tell me, ani one day he's going to turn up at your door all contrite and ask you to take him back because he's still your husband. I tell them, well he can, but I'll right turn him around and kick that camel ass off his to kingdom come ... I have no place for such a maggot in my life. And I will do that. I do not wish for such a day to happen, but if it did that's what I'd do.

Pramod's assessment of me is through my writings and our chats and emails. We've not yet encountered each other in person. He's a Banglorean and me small town Seremban. The net is a fascinating connectivity tool - it brings to us via dial up lines and chat engines so many servings of mankind. I have built the foundations of many meaningful friendships online and then eventually met in persons. It's an interesting phenomenon to me.

So there's Pramod's, there's Geogie's, there's the lying worm's perceptions of me. And this merely a slice of the pie.

This morning, I received a mail from someone who'd sent me one dripping with sarcasm about the kind of man I wanted to share my life with (yes I would like a man but apparently that model of man is obsolete - the saint! hahaahha). So I wrote back in my usual tongue in cheek saying well yeah ok gotcha good luck in your lady love search as well. He writes back that I am funny in a bizarre way ... my tone and content is so serious but the words I have put it forth with is humorous.

And that is basically my recipe. Tragedy and disappointments have dogged my very existence from the day I was born. Apparently astrologically everything that could be wrong is wrong for me. Had I been born a minute earlier, had I been born a boy, had I not been born at all - then all things would be honky dory ... OH SHIT! now you bloody tell me that??

Too late - this is the shit astrologically dished out. I was born with a vagina and boobs and a brains and not just penis endowed. So astrologically my life is about toiling toiling and to die trying to attain my nirvana. Wonderful ain't it for someone to read your star chart 36 years down the road and tell you you've been screwed right proper just for being conceived when misalignment of the planets was at its peak.

Can I blame my parents for this? Is there a point? Nope no point blaming anyone. I am the master or in this case the mistress of my own destiny. And I have to make right what all has been wrong so far. That can only come from me, myself and I.

Babs my kid sis gave me the book Excuse Me Your Life Is Waiting - I have yet to find the time to sit down and read it. Apparently its another one of those Law of Attraction type books which I should get down to reading. Can't hurt.

I was thinking last night as I was driving home about the various negative unhappy things that have happened to me in the last 36 years. 3 cycles of life over and done with. This is a new beginning to where and who I want to be. Time to just really get a move forward.

My problem is that everything I want to move forward from seem to still be selfishly clinging to me. Like this fucking divorce. Why the hell can't it be over. Closure for me. Am damn sure it's been a closed topic to Jacob last 6 years but ahem? What about the legalities? I want to look back and see nothing holding me back from going ahead with what I see myself doing in the next 2 cycles of my life.

I don't want to be 60 and STILL married to Jacob. When I get to 60, I want to look back and see at least 2 decades of living that I am proud of. No more unnecessary stress. Ashna and Kasha grown up independent well rounded girls. I want to be able to die knowing I did make it in the end no matter what the fucking misaligned stars says my life will be like. I refuse to go down without a fight. No it's not my karma to be at the suffering ahead always.

Maybe I am not a saint but I am basically a good person. I avoid confrontations, I avoid remaining upset or angry with people. I don't go out and hurt people for the fun of it. I am not perfect, but I am no demon either. I have simple hopes and dreams. Maybe in that simplicity people see a complex being. Maybe I am all that I am not.

Perhaps my writings are like the alter ego of me? But no not really. What I write is how I feel. I am a paradox noisy and silent at any given time. Seemingly carefree and uptight at the same time. Old fashioned, new age. I continue to confuse my own self haahha I bet I confuse you too.

Do I wish to be understood? Wouldn't we all ... but if nobody understands me thats also ok. In the end, all that matters is when I leave this place, I leave it with no debts to anyone in any form. And go knowing I did the best I could within my given means.

The sky outside is still cloudy and smells like rain ...

Be well ....


14 May 2008

Mommy's Day 11 May, 2008


Well there's a reason God made mommies and it's often said because he couldn't be everywhere at the same time ... Now PLEASE don't get me wrong - there's no way that I am disillusioned even for a moment to think that I was chosen to be a mommy because I could fill in the shoes of God.

Rather I think I am one of those instances where we become accidental mommies and we have to continue moving forward in that capacity whilst learning the ropes and in mistakes learn to be better moms.

One of the biggest joys I think to living ones life is the realisation that we are carrying a new life inside of us.

I have to say I was in total awe of the entire episode both times that God saw it befitt
ing that I become mother.

Ashna my elder who is 8 this year was somewhat a surprise. I'd never been one of those regular cycle type girls and after a few false alarms, I stopped worrying if I was pre
gnant. And only after talking with a colleague during my KLIA days, I realised hell not only am I later than usual, I am also having a few of those symptoms she mentioned.

So curious me went straight to the pharmacy and bought myself a pregnancy test kit, scooted to the loo and did the test ... needless to say ClearBlu my brand of choice, showed me 2 blue lines almost immediately. I put the seat cover down and sat in the cubicle dumbstruck for a
good half an hour.

I remember it was July just a few days before Jacob's birthday. I called him and he was equally dumbstruck. Seemed excited - as Ashna would have been the first grand child for both families. A week later we went to the hospital for my first check up. Both anxious excited parents.


But it was not all that simple. The doctor did the scan, and
she did not look too happy. I was worried. She sat us down asked if this was out first child - we said yes. And then she said from calculations the foetus is approximately 7 weeks, but there is no heartbeat - this could be a aborted pregnancy or the foetus is too small to detect any heartbeat. Come back in 3 weeks. If there is no heartbeat we will have to carry out a D&C.

I was shocked. Jacob showed no emotion. I dunno till this day what went on in his head. The 3 weeks was excruciatingly painful waiting. When the day finally came. Jacob went to work and told me to make it to the doctor's appointment on my own. I felt abandoned. What if it was bad news, did I have to face it alone? This is our baby we are talking about.

In the end, my friend Sha's mom who was incredulous such an important appointment and I was going to take a cab to the clinic myself she insisted Sha drive her over to my apartment so that she would go along with me. Sha did just that - no wonder Sha holds a very special place in my heart, he was always a friend I could count on. Later when Sha had to leave, they got his sister Yan
ti to come over and they took me to the hospital and waited outside worrying about the news the doctor might be giving me.

I went in a nerves and when the doctor smiled and said baby is fine, there's a strong heart beat now, I knew I had myself a fighter in there. I heard Ashna's first heartbeats and all I can say is it changed my life. Auntie and Yanti were super happy. I called my mom and told her baby was alright, told my sister told my brother told some other good friends of mine.

Jacob never once called to ask me did I make it to the hospital or did I need him there for anything - zilch. When I finally called him, he said oh I knew it be alright. That was the end of that. If I recount Ashna's
journey into this world, my heart will hurt some more. Because as much as her first heartbeats told me my life had changed forever. Jacob's behaviour also told me something of times to come ahead and to be honest, I felt very let down by my husband. And it as kinda downhill from there on.

A man should be there with his wife when she needs him. Not distance himself from her and expect her to not lose some respect for him as the head of the house. I quickly learnt that for anything to do with me or my children, Jacob was not ready to be there for us when we needed him.

Ashna's first few weeks as foetus were drama like with anxiety. Her entrance into this world was no less dramatic. Jacob fainting as the epidural was being given to me. Ashna needing to be 'vacuumed' out as she had her umbilical chord wrapped around her neck. But she was a health
y baby.. My first born had made it into this world despite initial hiccups and she was beautiful. I named her Hannah Ashna.

By the time I conceived Kasha which again was accidental and sometimes I think God's misplaced sense of humour. Jacob and me were growing apart. I saw the signs of infidelity and I asked hoping for honest answers. All I got were more lies and so I kept busy with my Dubai project trying to think of how to get both of us and Ashna out of Malaysia or if worse case how'd I get Ashna an
d me out of Malaysia.

And so it seemed, I missed periods again and on a trip to Dubai for the 2001 Dubai Airshow, I found myself aimlessly walking in the mall and stopped by a pharmacy and bought my kit again. I was laughing to myself what nonsense chucked the kit in my handbag and went to shop for clothes. Lord knows what I was doing but I ended buying several Maternity work shirts and slacks. When I got back to my hotel room, I put on the TV the news on CNN was the first bombs had been dropped in Afghanistan. And I looked at my test results and I felt faint. This could not be happening.


I rang Jacob up and besides a number of expletives and cursing, he says to me come back and we will find out if this child is mine. The nail in the coffin of our marriage was being hit in. I knew that instance Jacob was with another woman. He can de
ny it all he wants but I knew it.

My visit to the doctor's this time was better than the last. Except baby was fine. Father of the baby was totally unhappy. We came out and as we drove home, he said he wanted me to have a tubal ligation after baby #2 because he did not want anymore children with me. So I said why me? Why not a vasectomy - we won't have babies but everything else is fine. He said this time very clearly "I said I don't want anymore babies with you".

Aaaaa I heard the message quite clearly that second time he said it. Kasha's pregnancy although not troublesome was wrought with a lot of emotional and mental pain from being with a man who made it clear he despised me and he despised me more for hav
ing another child.

Kasha came into this world 2 weeks earlier than her due date. Like as if she might have wanted to catch a glimpse of the man who fathered her as much as possible. I named her Reanna Kasha.

She was not even 6 months, when Jacob chose to tell me after I caught him with incriminating evidence that he'd been out there screwing some woman instead of find a place for us to move to as a family in Bangkok. His way out was "I want a divorce" and "You and children are a waste of my time"

Those words still often ring in my head. I do not think anyone other than perhaps another woman who may have been in my shoes at some point understand how shattered my world felt. I hurt then and damn it I hurt even now especially every time I look at Ashna and Kasha.

I accept he might have stopped loving me - that happens with adults. But how do you stop loving your flesh and blood? I never can comprehend that bit. Every Mother's Day the girls make me their quirky cards. And every Father's Day they make cards too and give it to their grandfather, my dad. I know my girls also hurt in their small and innocent hearts. Especially when they look around and their friends have such doting daddies.

That's really the only time I hate Jacob. Otherwise, I have accepted that sometimes God has His reasons, we are merely caring out our roles. Jacob is missing
out a lot really. Ashna and Kasha are a handful, naughty sometimes, stubborn like both he and I are but they are beautiful loving children. Its his loss by choice to remove himself from our equation.

This Mother's Day, the girls made little cards for my mom and me. And left mine as a surprise on my laptop. I had to laugh to myself ... the innocence and genuineness of children cannot be paralleled by adults.

I might be one over stressed mommy. Sometimes my patience is short on the girls especially after a shitty day in the office. However, I get pissed with myself then for now being a better mom to them. I am trying so hard just to keep above water financially and give them the best I can, sometimes I forget that they want some tenderness and some hugs. So at times when they
are asleep I snuggle up to them for a bit. I know they know I am there beside them and usually as I leave them to sleep and lean over to kiss them and whisper I love you, I usually get a very drowsy I love you mommy which I count as my lucky blessings.

They might be brats and they might be angels but they are my BratAngels and I am blessed to have been so accidentally picked from so many mommies to be Ashna's and Kasha's mommy.

Thank you God for this awesome gift of life and love.

7 May 2008

Knuckles Rapped ,,, Ouch! 07 May, 2008

Musing from excerpts in a note I recently received :
"Yes i do believe you write well,requires far more finish though.There is a clarity of thought in sporadicity."
and
"If you wish to upgrade your writing from the merely well strung sentence to one of depth,you must add maturity to its face value.You strike me as being in your mid to late 30s--let that come across in your writings,teenage angst merely looks -- unrequired."

I have for the sake of prevailing anonymity of the sender only extracted these 2 salient points concerning my writings.

The first is a paradox is it not? In context, believe, write well, requires finish ... clarity, sporadicity (there's such a word in the English language?)

For one, I do not believe I write well hence why I call my string of words Incoherent Ramblings (of Ashka=Hope). I live under no delusion that I am a writer of any kind of salt. I merely write what comes to mind. I write what has created some sort of reaction in me. I write basically as an avenue to say half the things I never say to anyone.

There's some anonymity here in blogging although apparently that myth has been shattered long ago - people I know read my blogs too - damn it!

What tickles me is the fact that random people tell me I write well. I am always amused at their earnestness in trying to transmit their apparent appreciation of how I take some words and play around with them and end up with something readable.

Maybe it is this misplaced belief in that their appreciation is real that I have taken to writing here more often that I really should. A false bravado and faith in what I might achieve by doing so.

I don't deny I have a weakness to leave some of my pieces hanging like unfinished business, because the reality to me is, it remains unfinished business a lot of what I ramble on about. Everything is hanging like pregnant pauses waiting for some clarity of end and closure. None comes as yet ... and so my thinking and my thought processes remain at an impasse ... transient ... expectant ...

Sporadic - yes! Undeniably so ... because these thoughts come in bursts and spurts. From things I observe in my day to day business of living. If I could muster enough clear concise well arranged thoughts on regularity, hey I could be the next Oprah or J.K.Rowling (never read a single book of this female).

Why? Because then I'd be able to milk other sorry sods who are like myself in some suspended limbo, aspiring and dreaming with no real idea of where we are heading to. Why do we even take to putting words out on paper or on blogs? Why do we try to express what has been possibly expressed by some agent represented royalities enriched creme de'la creme of the wordsworths of the literary society?

Why? Simply because we have a dream. And such little forays into it keeps those sputtering flames alive. At least its relative to me. I have some dreams. Not sure if I'll ever get anywhere with them, but I say fuck it! and just do what I enjoy ...

Maturity? aaaaah ... I severely lack this or so I have been told countless times by so many people I have lost count or rather I don't wish to keep count. Angst ridden teenager wannabe - that's me!

*heheeheh* I cannot help it. I am angst ridden about so many many things. And angst with no vent is damning to a spirit like me. I fit in no particular mold. I am neither this nor that, here nor there. I seem to be classified and categorised by so many people, it's entertaining. Their perceptions vary. They feel comfortable in how they see me - I let them be.

This is my platform to do as I please with some thought towards sense and sensibilities that prevail - but really I don't give a hoot. There's still a lot about .ani that even .ani is discovering, how can anyone else understand the mechanics of my mind then - I expect them not to.

And so I lack the maturity of a 30 something in my writings ....

SIGH!!

Do I need to be mature in my writing? Was this not my personal therapy to an already overloaded existence of demanded maturity and responsibility to everything within my sphere and space? Are these demands already over exaggerated and over emphasised? Why should I then not escape into my own realm of make believe?

Don't writers do that most times? Create their make believe happy world and escape into it. I don't know, perhaps I will never make it as a writer of any serious consideration but hell at least I am having fun with what I am doing.

If teenage angst is what comes across, I make no apologies for it. It was meant to do that exactly. In fact, it's a choice I make. My realm of serenity is fraught with angst, it's what keeps the ticker and the thoughts going.

Now don't get me wrong here. I am not displeased with the content of the excerpts. In fact I welcome such feedback. I mean this is from some published writer (sorry I didn't know you existed prior to your note to me), so they know what the market wants, what people are looking for and what makes a writer successful. So I take it on board. Plan to mull over my previous pieces and future pieces and hopefully, I am able to address the concerns highlighted as I waddle along.

I have no genre other than angst perhaps. Unrequired? You think? Another perspective might imply that this angst is results from experiences I have lived to tell ... a self psycho-analysis of the rights and wrongs thus far.

Anyhow, it's now 19:30 hours, time to pack up and head home. Got to continue working from home and that drive is awfully long.

So off I go netizens of the world (like I have anyone reading me at all - ahahahahha) Mukesh was right when he said I am the type of person who will talk aloud even to myself and manage to have multiple viewpoints in such a monologue ... indeed I am truly in a new class of the insane.

Cheers and off I scoot ... I likely will be conversing with me myself and I on my drive home over these thoughts ..

Happy trails .... :)



6 May 2008

Yummy Crabs ... 06 May, 2008

On Labour Day (1st May) ma headed off to some place in Port Dickson to go do some fishing - here largely meaning she went a load of ladies to the jetty area where the fishing boats came in with their fresh catch from the sea.

Ma returned with a several types of fish and some prawns and some crabs. Now the last time I sat down and enjoyed a good feast of crabs I think was when Babs (my sis) took me to this place in Ampang New Village right after Jacob walked out on me to try and cheer me up.

Mind you Babs had been vegetarian for some years then and kinda was non-vegan just for me ... we pigged out on prawn fish and 2 large Sri Lankan crabs ... yummylicious ... although at that time eating was such a chore with my head in a whirl, my heart aching and a future that was all tumultuous and uncertain.

The last time I would have had home cooked crabs with the family recipe would be way too many years ago to remember. I also on the day learnt how to clean crabs. Not an easy job but luckily these sea crabs
were out of commission by the time I stuck my hands in to clean them :) PHEW! I've had the unpleasant experience of having my fingers snapped at by those river crabs (??) you know the kind that are often found by the mouth of the river where it meets the sea or marshland crabs ... black buggers with huge nasty pincers??

Man suddenly had a memory flashback of those crabs all strung together with their pincers lynched with string... anyways those are childhood moments one can never recapture although the feeling and emotions remain fresh in ones mind.

So the plan had been to have crab on Sunday - naturally this did not happen as we were all tired out after the surrpise little breakfast do in Amama's church to celebrate her 80th birthday.

On the 30th of April we managed a small me, Ashna, Kasha, ma and the maid celebration in Amama's house ...

So where was I oh Sunday and the crabs ... right that didn't happen so Ma decided to cook them on Monday night. And I was tied up in the office till 10:30pm so eating crabs at midnight was not a well come idea. Told Ma to save mine for today.

Needless to say ... tonight I made extra effort to leave office at a reasonable hour to head home to my yummy crabs ... aaaaaaaaaa *drool drool drool* got home wiped out the rest of the food minus the rice and sat down to dig into my crabs ...

I must say, the crabs were fresh little blue crabs and the flesh so sweet and succulent. Added with the sweetness of the ground spices and grated coconut ... I was in heaven ... even little crevice of those crustaceans I made sure was without anything resembling crab meat haahah ....

AAaahhhhhhhhhh talk about food satisfaction man! I am sooooooo stuffed now can hardly waddle to the shower or to bed so I sit here thinking that was a good meal if any ... compliments to the chef :))

Now to figure out how to fall asleep at some juncture ... BBUUuurrrppppp! Oops! Excuse me...



It's Been A While Since I Last Wrote 06 May,2008

Which should really be a welcome relief to anyone who finds these here ramblings annoying.

I should take the stance of "I don't a ****, it's my blog anyhow!" but that's not really the right attitude of a wannabe writer of some salt is it? I apologise then for the tardiness.

But it seems that aside from the ever increasing work pressure from the one job I call 'Titanic', nothing much else of any significant importance is happening. And I am not likely to commence creating happenings - I believe I must have experienced it first to write about it. But then again, I write and hence the creative inspiration is not something that you or I can control.

When an idea flashes through my brain, I take fingers to keyboard and tap away some words and hope they makes sense to somebody out there.

Should I then now make promises to be more diligent in scratching together some words? I'd better not. Not like I have some legion of fans or anything. But still it is always best not to promise what one cannot commit to.

Like relationships, like marriage, like parenting - although with parenting, once you're in it there's really no turning back the clock and making the little ones disappear. One can do that with a relationship even with a marriage.

Hey, I learnt this going by Jacob's standards - he's made me learn quite a bit about men, especially the slime ball types - they are the most smooth operators. Once they got you in their clutches, then true colours will show. Anyhows this is not another revisit to the Jacob Years ... (although I know I do tend to brood over some instances from that time in my writings. This is unfortunately the end result of dissecting each event to such minute detail as I analyse and re-analyse the events that took place and led me to this point in time.

It's not really good for the soul. But nevertheless, good lesson learnt time material. Reflection on one's errors and mistakes is good sporadically and with objectivity.

Lately I have been swamped work wise. And that's kinda taking a toll on my overall wellness of being - I am exhausted in mind, spirit and body. None of this affirmative thinking is helping but wait perhaps the universe in its wonderful ability to not listen to me is again only picking up the thoughts I am trying hard to eliminate and hence instead of positive affirmation I have negative reiteration.

*SIGH* ...

I have a few ideas rolling about in my head on pieces I would like to write here and share but with the many interruptions to thought process, I find I cannot yet to do justice to these pieces and so I have decided to wait till my frame of mind is clear and the perspectives in which I wish to address they are also clearly formulated in my mind.

In time I shall come back - hopefully with a bang not a whimper :))

Till then happy trails all ...