Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

10 February 2008

How Does One Prepare For The Inevitable Feb 10, 2008

Such morbid topic from me I know but the mind is in a thinking mode ...

How does one prepare for the inevitable death of a marriage?
or the inevitable death of a friendship?
or the inevitable death of a relationship?
or the inevitable death of a loved one (family,spouse, child, friend)
or the inevitable death of a career?

Having experienced most if not all at some point in my life and as I prepare mentally for the inevitables that my mind has already identified, I find that at times I am lost how to move forward.

I have played rock solid strong no matter what the adversity or trial in these 36 years ... and the last 6 years have been the most tribulation filled, and none ever seem to fizzle out into some acceptable end. Instead all seem to fuss and fizzle intermittently giving me more pain and stress than I care for.

I still hear the words of the astrologer as he sat reading what numerous others have already said to me and I smiled silently inwards thinking my life so clearly is laid only with thickets and thorns, that the end of my journey also is not one for honey or pots of gold or accolades or appreciation, but one that ends alone unremembered.

Every single person who has palm read, face read, card read, star read my life past present and future no matter who or what background they were from says the same thing, you are too trusting of peoples, learn to be shrewd and cunning if you wish to survive. Learn to make your heart of stone, or else all around will jointly swallow you into oblivion.

But I find it odd to start any interaction or relationship thinking the worst of a person or how I might get the best out of someone and not care if they hurt from it. But I have learnt once too many times my inability to see the evil in people or their perceived 'evil' in me and that they go to such great lengths to harm me.

I am straight blunt honest. But I am not perfect. I am human. I make my own errors in judgment of people. I make errors too in how I conduct my life. Too innocent too naive too trusting, time and again I get smacked in my teeth. I speak out when things are troubling me but not I am learning to withhold what troubles me, what causes me grief or strife. I am learning to calculate what I say to whom in measured lengths and wait for those with ill intentions to go full circle and come back to starting point.

Also I am not afraid now to say ENOUGH! STOP! I've had it with being nice. Now when pushed up against a corner because people perceive that my gullibility is something they can hinge on to torment me I fight back. I am learning to use my leonine stealth traits. No longer do I worry. If something has gone wrong, I prepare for the worst ... I have been to hell and I came back once too many times, I know what hell smells likes, I know Satan too personally - he is waiting for my soul even though I have never wagered mine for anything from him.

But others see it fit to pawn my life my soul my spirit my sanity to Satan in return for their fragile pathetic existence of a semblance of calm. I scream inside my head what gave you the fucking right to do that with my life damnit ... but externally I remain mum, silent, because I know no amount of screaming my displeasure will make difference. People are not concerned with anyone else but themselves. And they are always suspicious of anyone who is outside the typical classification of people. It drives them nuts that they cannot call me bitch, they cannot call me saint ... I am neither. I am only .ani, still learning the ropes, still getting burnt along the way, still being drawn into the mind games of the sick out of genuine concern for another being because I hope by doing some good, God might save me from the worst levels of purgatory which others have sold me for.

I wonder then how I might kidnap my life back into my hands. I see the inevitables before me and I am fighting to find the right answer. I know the key is inside me. I know the answers are there clearly before me. Which set of options do I take and where will these lead me? Will I like the children in Narnia, stumble through the closet to find life remains unchanged whilst a lifetime has already been lived?? In the end, I must master my destiny, and I can smell it .... what then is holding me back? A fear that more strangers will come forward to wager my life for their own demon infested existence short lived pleasures??

May these find their own trail to sanity and life, I wish to continue my journey forward without hesitation or fear, but with an reinforced belief that my heart is loving, I aim to go through life without making fools out of people, without leaving scars or tears in my departure ... because inevitably we all must prepare for inevitable end.

I leave these musings to take my future to bed. Ashna and Kasha, they are the future I struggle forward for... and I will not let anyone hijack this journey, if you push me harder, I will strike back and I will draw blood - be you warned!