Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

28 January 2008

When Do We Say Enough And Stop Jan 28, 2008

Odd question? But by now you know me well enough to figure out this is going to be another one of those rambles that tries to capture in some manner the thoughts that are running gamut inside my head.

If anyone has been following my blogs from long before, you'd have heard me rant and rave about Project Titanic ... now this was supposed to have been the 'exhuming' of a dead project, turning it around and setting the damn thing on course safe to harbour.

Now I was unwittingly chosen to captain this rather ill fated cruise vessel towards the end of 2006 through a series of misadventures ... I found myself at the helm without a clue what to expect.

Let me tell you, it's been hell and back and to hell again. Has this baby finally docked? Hell NO!!!!! ... instead here it is a quarter past eight and am still in the office thinking what positive news could tomorrow possibly bring.

Just when I thought we'd make it to the finish line ... despite several setbacks - more were found to be hiding in the shadows and suddenly pouncing out at me ... and the whole damn team seems to be on the verge of resignation and the application has done probably the 5th 180 degree turn ... I am exhausted.

But ironically, the most complimentary statement to date I have gotten is from my chinaman buddy Darren who tells me he is amazed at my desire and will to still want to see this project to a close and a handover to the client.

It was when mulling over this comment that of course my mind being the way it is extrapolated this characteristic of me ... into the many other dimensions of my life. There's an amazing tenacity even in the obvious face of failure that I keep at things trying to plug leaks, mend fences and mitigate where humanly possible.

Even in failing relationships I have tried my darnest. Having to accept that it has failed and nothing I do is going to resuscitate this carcass is a painful decision for me. I feel burdened by a sense of guilt that I did not manage to save this one ...

The pain I feel in the impending separation is terrible and I tend to carry the feeling of guilt inside ... even long after I have come to accept if not realise it was beyond my control and not my fault ... it just happened that way.

Which makes me ask myself often, when do we say enough and put a stop to going on with things that are going bust and belly up? How do we convince ourselves that we have given the whole matter the best of ourselves and that there's nothing more to give?

At the start of 2007 I reviewed some aspects of me and made some edits to how I approached life. I must say that midway 2007, I got to see the full onslaught of my edits, because they very much so helped me ride through one of the hardest times of my life. The catastrophe of the events that took place shook the very core of my family and I, and it was that small edits I put into my view of life and how I'd live it that has really helped me pull through.

The start of 2008 has seen a few more edits and enhancements and I am glad, that really this evolution of .ani is taking place ... slowly yes ... but it is happening and I am happy with how it is going. Life is far from the utopia I might sometimes in delusion aspire towards, but it's not going all that bad. I am coming of age and really beginning to like what I see. My thinking is maturing, my philosophies towards life is shaping itself, reinventing itself.

There is comfort in some of the old habits and values. And these are like old pairs of shoes. you are never suddenly shocked into any sensations, everything is pleasantly familiar ... and yet these new aspects of thinking and approaching life is also welcome and stimulating to the mind. It has given me opportunity to revisit some past follies with fresh new eyes and given new perspective and the chance to let old wounds heal.

It's amazing what the mind can do for the soul in toto ... Its a journey I am enjoying because it is mine to make even within certain constraints ... but it's happening. And most importantly, I am learning to tell myself Enough! Stop! and not feel pangs of guilt anymore.

That is yet another milestone in the emancipation of .ani

As for Project Titanic ... leaks and filling with water, I'm bailing as fast as I can, plugging holes even faster. I made a commitment to see this through - and GODDAMMIT! I will see it through. Then I will be able to say Enough! Stop and walk away ... till then we march on ...