Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

30 November 2007

Why I Called Nov 30, 2007

This morning after some number of months, I picked up my phone and dialled him. (before your over active imagination begins to assume the him here is Jacob the ex husband or Jaan the ex boyfriend - rest assured it was neither!)

Now why is this of any significance to me that I should write a blog about it - actually I dunno myself but it seems to be playing on my mind somewhat .... and so I blog - I know I am strange!

Ok so who is the 'he' ... well he happens to be someone whose writing perked my antenna into 'am interested' mode ... the shit bit though was that I met him in a time when all of Murphy's Law kicked in big time and everything going wrong made me less than agreeable to his attitude (in hindsight I realise I am usually far more patient in drawing out someone from their pouty corner, but I didn't give this man a chance)

Sometimes as much as I remind myself the danger of expectation especially of someone who is an absolute stranger, I forget and end up messing up things without intention to. And so I did with this man. He is a gezillion miles away, in less than hospitable surroundings, and my empathy might have helped create an avenue of communication instead I got agitated by his apparent love to play Heathcliff - you remember that broody antagonist type anti hero of Wuthering Heights?? ... well here was your real life example - and he made me angry - ahahahahha very few men get that much response out of me and it is usually because somehow they have gotten under my skin.

I did not want to admit it, but I found him attractive, his writing style displayed a depth of thinking, a maturity I longed for in men, ... a sense of confidence in himself and a sense of ease with who he has chosen to be, something when I got to know him by a mixture of misadventures, I found completely hypnotic.

In the pandemonium that my life was in at the time, I wanted an anchor and my gut was screaming out to me, this is the safe harbour for you to drop anchor and seek momentary escape from the madness that was prevailing. But alas as much as guts might tell me one thing, the reality was I was dealing with the "confirmed bachelor I refuse to show any emotion" type man ...

On top of that some drama from obviously ill-intentioned individual(s) who'd noted my preoccupation with this man decided to throw a spanner into already difficult wheels. Now again in hindsight, I realise had this piece of malicious information been plopped into my lap at any other time, I would have reacted in the manner I usually react to any bits of scandalous news ... which is to each his own. Instead, I took offense and instead of keeping that emotion in check and holding back my disappoitment in 'misjudging' of character, I took him to task.

hahaahhaha GOD! bad move ani george, damn bad move. Heathcliff as I christened him by then took it to the typical anti-hero levels, he cut me off completely!!! Do I blame him??? Actually I don't. I should have listened to myself more but I listened to some friends and so poor 'Heathcliff' got a right riot of my angst!

Now, I mean he rejecting me (and can I blame him - I was so off my usual self) really grated on my already frayed nerves even more. I mean men rejecting me is NOTHING new - it is THE norm actually. I mean I get into a right panic whenever any male specie pays even vague interest in me - it's like what is WRONG with you???? So it is comical now for me as I look back I realise he was rejecting me because damn it I was proving to be an absolute dodo! *sigh* ... it seems the ones that get me excited are the ones I seem to repulse even without trying.

A mutual friend of ours asked me recently, had I contacted this chap lately. So I said nope I'd not done so because I was tired of ringing
and being ignored, writing and being ignored again - I said I am pretty thick-skinned in this arena of being so repulsive to someone, but somehow, this chap's silence kinda sliced more than it should. So I was not going to go humiliate myself anymore ... let it be, die silently in the ignored corner.

So the friend says, well why not just call or write and say a friendly hello sometime ... maybe I could try to revisit the mess of a few months ago and suggest a "Can we start again - Hi I am ani and you are type conversations. I was not convinced this was going to work but I am one of those who is a sucker for pain me thinks, and after a long time contemplating should I or not, I dialled the number this morning.

While it connected and finally I heard the ringing, I was asking myself what I was going to say ... and I didn't expect an answer, instead suddenly there was Heathcliff with his usual abrupt monosyllables. When I identified myself he asked me "what made you remember me all of a sudden?" or something in that similar vein - I kicked myself for calling. I also made a mental note to please shoot myself in future.

But you know, the human spirit is an odd thing. I am someone that generally everyone likes, it's very rarely that a person takes a dislike to me as I am very non-aggressive or threatening to anyone. I keep my thoughts mostly to myself or share only with people I am comfortable with ... but this man here, he wasn't even giving me a chance right from the very start.

I remember in one of my angst ridden notes to him, clearly spelling out I had no intention what so ever of forcing him to end his chosen bachelorhood, I just wanted a friend in him. Nothing not a peep out of him - I gave up, threw in the proverbial towel and decided enough of Heathcliff, let him freeze his balls off in the cold - why would I care!

*sigh* did I just tell you the human spirit is an odd thing? I found that his rejection of me, made me curious, why? what was it that made him turn away from me? what was I doing wrong? what did he REALLY think of me?? Questions questions and more questions - none with answers which was even more infuriating!

So the call was hopeless, I burnt a substantial credit value on it, and although I was chirpy and smiley while speaking keeping it all casual, I again felt that stab of pain in my heart that is rare but when it hits me it really hits me hard. I called actually to apologise for being such a dodo in the past. I called to say can we try to get to know each other better before you write me off as a dodo. I called to say I was not expecting anything other than a friend in him - which is the truth - I expect nothing more from men, I'm too afraid to venture into anything more than friend because I cannot handle the feeling of euphoria you have whilst you think its going good and the shitty crummy heartache that comes when it has gone all wrong ... I've experienced it too many times to want to go through it anymore. It's far worse than coming out of a drug induced high I am sure (although personally I've never done drugs!)

I called to say Heathcliff I'm sorry I messed up by being such a dodo, but I really think we could be super friends, I can learn so much from you. I said bye perhaps a little abruptly, and he didn't even respond even though I had the line still open and he hadn't hung up either ... so I ended the call put the phone aside and kicked myself again - just to remind me that sometimes I am an absolute dodo - especially when it comes to men.

The failure to make any inroads in my attempts to revisit from ground zero kinda mucked up my mood for a good portion of the day. Then I after lunch I decided, well as much as I should accept the reality, I do believe that Heathcliff and I could be great friends - bantering, arguing, writing and just remain so - friends.

I'm no perfect person, but I don't write people off so quickly. I let them prove themselves with an extremely long rope before I cut the ropes and let them go their own ways once they've proved to be disappointments - maybe I go about this thing called living all wrong.

So why I called obviously went bust before I even got a chance to make any sort of comment or amends ... Heathcliff must be patting himself on the back for another job well done at culling the dodo's attempts at striking up a conversation and in all of 5 seconds he'd have forgotten I existed. *sigh* I got to learn how people do this.

And thus I guess I've come to the end of the road with Heathcliff ... although I wish it wasn't so but the start of 2 friends. Happy weekend all, ... I should just go do something more strenuous and collapse in exhaustion, so even my mind will cease to think so much and my heart won't hurt so much either.

28 November 2007

Relationships In All Forms, Nov 28, 2007

I have been going through some revisits, encounters, playing listening post, evaluating my own responses and coming of age in the aspect of relationships. And I am left wondering if ever I might find a suitable man - the idea seems almost far-fetched and near impossible at this time or juncture of my life and I have a sense of hopelessness in this area and hence have shoved it down my list of priorities. But like all festering unresolved wounds, the theme revisits me in so many unfanthomable ways, and I find unbearably irritating.

I think this is the case because, I am always surrounded by people either falling in love or falling out of love and in both instances they usually think I would be interested to know their current rating on the relationship scale - what they fail to realise is I was brought up to be polite and hence I remain polite through their entire display of emotions and whilst advising where needed, I am internally going through a series of rollercoaster like emotions with regards to my own past relationships and well current void and singlehood more out of circumstance than by choice.

I would love to be in some amazingly exciting relationship with sex and love making that made you see all colours or the rainbow, where there was a man whose arms I could fall into at the end of each day and know without words merely by his embrace that he loved me spots, flaws and love handles. Coming through the doors of the place we call home, I am greeted by the lively chattering of my girls and their dad, the smell of all things familiar and that amazingly turning on scent I pick up when near a man who I call mine ... yup I am as mushy and idealistic perhaps like most females, dreaming of something that isn't mine, one I can't even remember having actually ... *sighhhh*

SLAP!!!!! wake up ani - smell the freaking bloody reality that surrounds you!

So here I am in my realities of singlehood ... although please don't misunderstand me ... a man's presence is not essential for me to feel complete or whole - hell I subscribe to being whole in my own self ... just that's its really nice feeling to know someone loves you too , you know what I mean???

I have a friend, who went home to her homeland many years after a divorce in some foreign place, and apparently she's met someone and there's love blossoming between them ... and I am happy for her ... I am always happy for people who find love and happiness they have been searching for. Kinda gives me the hope that YES perhaps just maybe, by some accidental alignments of stars, my chap is out there searching for me too ... haahha SHITS! and I don't even watch fairy tales anymore!!!! What the hell am I thinking???

But essentially I am like everyone else - the knowledge that you mean something to someone else and that they feel as excited at being with me as I am being with them.

There is a lady I know, she's 52 and been married 22 years with 3 almost adult chilren and she found out in the last few months that her husband has been carrying on an long term affair with his also married now grandmother girl friend from his younger days. After all these years, you can imagine how cheated and stupid this lady feels. She tells me that some 12 years ago, there was a big row and arguement when she chanced upon the photo of this ex in her husband's wallet and he'd promised to end this nonsense and concentrate on their family. She took his word and left it be. Over the years, she's worked many jobs and made it her priority to educate her children and assusre financial security for the family.

What has the husband been doing? Well behind his wife's back he as been carrying on the affair. What does the woman in question's still living husband and grown children do??? They turn a blind eye - seeing as they benefit from this relationship from the moronic man whilst his wife slogs to keep the family going.

As she sits with me pouring out her heart and her pain at being played the fool for so long and for the same woman, I see flashes of my own failed marriage. The difference between us, is that she wonders how will she make it if she were leave him. I on the other hand, agreed to my husband's announcement of wanting a divorce. My only condition was he provide financially for the upbringing of the kids, I was not about to play wronged wife and hold on to a man who was cheating on me - I think I had some self respect left, maybe I was just plain in shock!

Well Nov 22 marked year 5 of this separation from the man I decided was the one who was going to be my all my everything - haahah now without those bloody rose hued shades I see much with clarity I did not back then. I've spent time musing (usually on the long drives I have daily) on the various opportunities that came my way some 12 years ago, and how on consulting this man of my then so called dreams, would usually say "oh .ani don't go, I can't live without you near me" ahhahahahahahahaha please someone hand me some tissue ... these tears are both stinging and painful as well tragically comic!

It's 5 years now, he's been away, and he's living it alright, happier it seems to be away from me and the girls. I guess like seasons, flavours change. I was the flavour of the season of 95 till probably 2000 and then it changed ... maybe even that season is merely me trying to make it seem like he cared, but anyhows its over now.

I was recently in Bangkok at a conference, and I met some people who were at similar programs like myself in 1995 Sri Lanka and today, they are active ecumenical workers for the Church and its members. They took opportunities that were before them, and are reflections of their work and commitment to faith and mankind. And I know had I made different choices, with the energy, enthusiasm and dedication I have in me, I too would be probably sitting on some working group in Geneva by now, pushing for more good works to reach the masses. I know I have what it takes, but I made choices that hinged on the needs of others - I have no one else but myself to kick for where I am today.

Envious? Maybe a little. But I see where I have been in these last 12 years, where I have been in the last 5 years since my little world and plans collapsed, where I have been even in the passing year ... I realise I am still evolving and growing and learning and still reaching out, with the aim to make a difference that counts positively in the lives of those I come in contact with and also to myself.

I have learnt that I have changed so much in all this time. I am now a very different person and yet so much the same. I know where I am, I am defining what I want, I am forgiving those who hurt me, I ask for forgiveness from those inadvertantly I may have hurt, and mostly I try to remind myself that all these trials are but tiny steps in a greater journey.

We make plans, we have visions of where we want to be. Somehow, life throws us a curve ball shattering our delusional myths revealing realities that we'd like to avoid addressing. I guess it is really in the bounce back that makes the difference between the yous and mes - how fast we recover to pick pieces up and try again.

Perhaps I might seem idealistic, even to a point of fooling myself into believing I am alright, but I know I am alright, I am doing better today at managing my life than I was 5 years ago when I found myself suddenly husbandless thanks to the presence of another woman. I was devastated. Today, I still hurt sometimes, but more often I am able to laugh and make jest of my predicament. We have to learn to laugh at our misadventures and heed the lessons. We are the only ones that will make a difference to our lives - nobody else can nor is willing to take that responsibility.

Relationships in all its forms is a struggle between giving and taking, finding the right balance is what matters - am still working on my end. I hope you are too. That's the only way to self sanity preservation and self found happiness.

You think? ....

17 November 2007

Muka Jernih Nov 17, 2007

This evening, my dad had asked me to go withdraw some cash from the ATM for him. So once mom and the kids left for their overnight stay at the Girl Guide's HQ in Seremban, I drove out to town to get my errand done.

It was a pretty run of the mill kinda drive from where I live into Seremban town with the innumberable mad Malaysian behind the wheel doing their typical thing. Needless to say I was kinda ticked when I got to the front of the main BSN branch in town.

Put on my hazard lights, parked on the side (ok I might have been obstructing traffic on a normal day - it's Saturday for crying out loud! Give a girl a break will ya!!!) Turned off the engine hopped outta my car and walked to the ATM machine (when are we going to have drive-thru ATMs people???)

As I walk up to the 2 ATM units, there's a man with his back facing me on the left one so I go up to the one on the right, stick my dad's ATM card in punch the code, pick the transaction, get my money and statement and am about to walk off when I turn around and there's the same man from earlier hovering on my left.

So I look at him, a tad bit alarmed and I ask "Ya pakcik, ada apa?" (Yes uncle, anything?)

He looks at me and says, "Pakcik nak mintak tolong sikit. Pakcik nampak kamu ada muka jernih, boleh mintak tolong, nak keluar duit."

So this is like oh ok ... I have a muka jernih - the direct translation here is Clear/Transparent Face. It's not abnormal old folks needing help with the techno monsters of the new age ... so I said "Ok pakcik. Ada pin nya?" (Ok uncle, do you have the Pin)

He said he did, gave me his ATM card, and said could I please withdraw RM150 for him. That's easy, so I punched in the details pin and all, then he asked if he could see his balance, so I said sure and added that I wanted a Transaction slip which came out ... I hand him card, money and slip and he asks "Duit pakcik takde lagi kan?" (There none of my money left is there?)

I took that to mean his balance .. so I point out to him on the slip withdrawn 150, balance XXX.xx and show said there the money is there with the card. I asked him if he needed anything else he said no just making sure his money was all there and again he said "Pakcik rasa senang tengok muka kamu, muka jernih, boleh mintak tolong tak rasa takut" (I feel at ease looking at you, clear/transparent face, I can ask for help without fear)

I said my goodbyes and walked to my car ... thinking for a bit and then it dawned on me, when he asked about the money, he was making sure I had not siphoned some off him whilst withdrawing it for him, also I guess the Muka Jernih here - he meant trustworthy ...

I mean yes I am a pretty transparent person, my heart's on my sleeve, my emotions on my face. And I don't mean anyone harm. It is often baffling to me why would anyone go out of their way to make life for me miserable. But they do it ... don't mean I have to be the same now does it??

For what it's worth, I'd rather be seen as a simple person (it sounds negative almost don't it???) than a shrewd conniving one. Good deeds are better than planning the misery of others.

I must say this little unexpected discourse made me smile to myself. One Malay old man, one Indian woman - worlds apart in many ways, and a small exchange that made me smile, because for a very very prief moment, he was a man in need of assistance, and I was the one he felt he could trust to ask for that assistance.

You might ask were there others ... well when I got there it was me and him at 2 different ATMs, by the time of this exchange there were a few others, some Malay and another Indian lady and her kids. He picked me - how odd.

I find it intruging how life gives us such snippets to remind us there is good in everyone, we just need to open our eyes and look without preconceived notions. I admit I had my misgivings when he approached me ... but looking at him, I thought what if this was my father? And heard him out.

People are so quick to judge and dismiss often without any base or foundation to that judgement and we miss the small gestures that have an amazingly wonderful capability to refresh one's own flagging spirits and renew hope.

It's a small thing I guess that some stranger, I am not likely to bump into again should think I have a muka jernih ... but that stranger made me realise that ani is not a bad person really. ani does what can best she can with all good intentions. things go haywire sometimes but the essence is the same person, same heart, same mind, same soul .... perhaps only if one stops to look does on realise ani exists, otherwise I blend into the wallpaper ...

I came back and listened to James Blunt's - Same Mistake (you can find it on YouTube) ... it was an interesting touch to the frame of mind I was in ...

14 November 2007

Child Nov 14, 2007

you are the future
oh! what a spread
lays before
of possibilities
to be seized
take charge
child you are
of the Tomorrows
to come

All I Want For Christmas Nov 14, 2007

... is my 2 front teeth "))

But seriously am drawing up my list ... who knows what might I might find waiting this Christmas morning :))

  • My decree absolut all nice and festive ribboned
  • My dream job offer letter and a killer expat package to boot in a country of my choice
  • A SLR or DSLR camera to kick start my shutterbug happy mania ... so much to immortalise
  • I am the certified winner of TM's MYR1 million contest
  • keys to a brand new Volvo S80
  • keys to a quaint lil house to call home for the girls and me
  • equality for all Malaysians
  • a revamp a rehash a rejuventation of all arms of this nation

Ok ok ... sounds all materialistic don't it??? haahhaha well nothing like a wish list :) but then again all I want for Christmas is ...

  • The whole family again together like Christmas'06
  • Good health and all round happiness for all dear to me ...
  • Better prospects ahead in 2008
  • for a more confident, more at peace with myself, more positive go getter me to emerge and dazzle :)
Counting down till Christmas ... is there a chilly crisp feeling in the air ...

time to revisit my Santa Claus list :)) - this year I am not settling for a lump of coal in my stocking you cheapskate :)) I've been good all year even when it killed me!

2 November 2007

Musings of a Muggy Mind Nov 1, 2007

It is the 1st of the 2nd last month of the year. And we are counting till the end of 2007 ... some waiting for the onset of 2008. Me personally, am somewhat unsure if I am anymore interested in anything beyond the survival of today.

No No don't get me wrong ... am not giving up on life or living or in a defeatist mode but rather, I guess this is a phase that too shall come to pass in time. 2007 has been some real rollercoaster ... first 6 months of the year seemed to be getting better, I felt pretty hopeful and recharged and ready to take on the world

Hahaha little did I realise, this lull was merely the calm before the storm and a WHAT a FREAKING storm it has been since then. I mean hey I am quite used to riding 'storms' out without life jacket and not knowing how to swim, but this year ... man it has taken the cake ... in my already sorely lacking in scope but emphasizing more horror kinda horoscope (you wonder no why its called that??) this has been the year all the plugs were pulled out in fine glory!!!

Am standing here on the threshold of the impending new year and for once in my life, I seem uncertain if I have all that it takes to make it through another year. I have self diagnosed all these constant aches and pains and extreme fatigue to be my body and my soul screaming out to me ... its time to stop ani - time to take 5 and chill relax you're burning out. And ani cannot afford to burn out. There's Ashna and Kasha totally dependent on me to lay the path of their dreams and aspirations.

As much also as I have kept myself preoccupied to the point of total mental emotional exhaustion to be unable to even allow a sliver of the loneliness that is ever present to even make its presence felt or known, it seems that these last battered and bruised months, she has managed to sneak out from that tight lid I keep on her. And she taunts me in every possible way. She brings to fore all the memories I have shoved to the far end of my mind and kept buried out of my hurting heart. She constantly shoves in my face the fact that some people who'd meant the world to me are so happy minus me in that equation that I have ceased to exist in any form in their day to day. Now this would be awesomely wonderful if they in their absence did not still hang like an executioner's axe or hangman's noose over my exposed neck.

At the start of this year, I told myself I would steer clear of being in any form of relationship other than platonic friendships and this is how things would stay until the time when all legalities have been laid to rest and I have wrested my technical singlehood back from the clutches of the Civil Marriages. The bloody family law to date in this country has only shown me that it is patriarchal in its approach and stance and totally unfair in the instances where the wife stands to gain nothing at the end of a long drawn meaningless battle. The biasness of the judges who preside or their indifference to the plight of now ditched wives raise the children, handle the finances and have to somehow exist within a skewed societal view of the dreaded divorcee makes me retch in total dismay.

Ask me. I have been lost in the system now for 5 years. And with each year I grow less hopeful that my children might ever see a penny from that man who fathered them. I know I am further in debt with lawyers who somehow always find a way to squeeze you even when there is nothing left to squeeze. All this should really leave me extremely bitter at the world. Ironically, it's left me more philosophical - perhaps its the first signs of insanity setting in, because how much can a single person take, before its become too much to take??

When I was younger, I considered marriage to be the right way of being in a man woman union. Having been there once, I have changed my mind. Marriage is but a piece of paper. The relationship with or without that paper is what matters most. I have sometimes laughed about getting into a totally loveless torrid affair solely on the premise of lust ... but I laugh only because, I am incapable of such extravagance. And hence, my now almost comic re-virgined status :)) - it's not all bad ... really... takes some getting used to but you DO get used to it and life chugs along.

So relationships have been zilch. Work despite enjoying the work, the glass ceiling is heavily felt. I am so much better experienced and yet, I seem to always by a hair's breath miss out on earth shattering opportunities ... and I feel desperate. I am closing in on 40. I had so many dreams and plans laid out ... all hijacked in the last 5 years and now I feel almost like that drowning man clutching at straws ... I need something better, more financially secure but all seem to escape me ... and I am left feeling the mounting pressure.

And hence I grown uncertain. Can I keep this up? This pace? will I begin to falter. And if I do, what are the consequences? Where is all this heading to? How will I make it turn around and set course to where the rainbow holds the proverbial pot of gold? I do not blame anyone anymore for anything. It seems that I myself seem to be a magnet to these trials and tribulations even when I am doing my damnest to avoid any trouble.

So I realign my approach. I do not avoid trials, I just take them one step at a time. Battered, bruised, lost at times, but I am always the trooper, am marching forward. Confused maybe, hurt in the past maybe, but I know I am stronger, or else by now you might have lit some candle some place in memory of me.

They don't make fighters like they used to. But I know I belong to a breed of women and men, who no matter what the world throws at us, I refuse to lie down roll over and die. I will pick myself up and I will walk painfully slowly but I will walk. That is the best thing I can give myself ... the dignity that I have done all that is within my capacity to overcome and raise to each occasion. I would make any army man proud ... such a perfect infantry/foot soldier candidate of those old armies. Certain death, and yet bravely moving forward.