Now why is this of any significance to me that I should write a blog about it - actually I dunno myself but it seems to be playing on my mind somewhat .... and so I blog - I know I am strange!
Ok so who is the 'he' ... well he happens to be someone whose writing perked my antenna into 'am interested' mode ... the shit bit though was that I met him in a time when all of Murphy's Law kicked in big time and everything going wrong made me less than agreeable to his attitude (in hindsight I realise I am usually far more patient in drawing out someone from their pouty corner, but I didn't give this man a chance)
Sometimes as much as I remind myself the danger of expectation especially of someone who is an absolute stranger, I forget and end up messing up things without intention to. And so I did with this man. He is a gezillion miles away, in less than hospitable surroundings, and my empathy might have helped create an avenue of communication instead I got agitated by his apparent love to play Heathcliff - you remember that broody antagonist type anti hero of Wuthering Heights?? ... well here was your real life example - and he made me angry - ahahahahha very few men get that much response out of me and it is usually because somehow they have gotten under my skin.
I did not want to admit it, but I found him attractive, his writing style displayed a depth of thinking, a maturity I longed for in men, ... a sense of confidence in himself and a sense of ease with who he has chosen to be, something when I got to know him by a mixture of misadventures, I found completely hypnotic.
In the pandemonium that my life was in at the time, I wanted an anchor and my gut was screaming out to me, this is the safe harbour for you to drop anchor and seek momentary escape from the madness that was prevailing. But alas as much as guts might tell me one thing, the reality was I was dealing with the "confirmed bachelor I refuse to show any emotion" type man ...
On top of that some drama from obviously ill-intentioned individual(s) who'd noted my preoccupation with this man decided to throw a spanner into already difficult wheels. Now again in hindsight, I realise had this piece of malicious information been plopped into my lap at any other time, I would have reacted in the manner I usually react to any bits of scandalous news ... which is to each his own. Instead, I took offense and instead of keeping that emotion in check and holding back my disappoitment in 'misjudging' of character, I took him to task.
hahaahhaha GOD! bad move ani george, damn bad move. Heathcliff as I christened him by then took it to the typical anti-hero levels, he cut me off completely!!! Do I blame him??? Actually I don't. I should have listened to myself more but I listened to some friends and so poor 'Heathcliff' got a right riot of my angst!
Now, I mean he rejecting me (and can I blame him - I was so off my usual self) really grated on my already frayed nerves even more. I mean men rejecting me is NOTHING new - it is THE norm actually. I mean I get into a right panic whenever any male specie pays even vague interest in me - it's like what is WRONG with you???? So it is comical now for me as I look back I realise he was rejecting me because damn it I was proving to be an absolute dodo! *sigh* ... it seems the ones that get me excited are the ones I seem to repulse even without trying.
A mutual friend of ours asked me recently, had I contacted this chap lately. So I said nope I'd not done so because I was tired of ringing and being ignored, writing and being ignored again - I said I am pretty thick-skinned in this arena of being so repulsive to someone, but somehow, this chap's silence kinda sliced more than it should. So I was not going to go humiliate myself anymore ... let it be, die silently in the ignored corner.
So the friend says, well why not just call or write and say a friendly hello sometime ... maybe I could try to revisit the mess of a few months ago and suggest a "Can we start again - Hi I am ani and you are type conversations. I was not convinced this was going to work but I am one of those who is a sucker for pain me thinks, and after a long time contemplating should I or not, I dialled the number this morning.
While it connected and finally I heard the ringing, I was asking myself what I was going to say ... and I didn't expect an answer, instead suddenly there was Heathcliff with his usual abrupt monosyllables. When I identified myself he asked me "what made you remember me all of a sudden?" or something in that similar vein - I kicked myself for calling. I also made a mental note to please shoot myself in future.
But you know, the human spirit is an odd thing. I am someone that generally everyone likes, it's very rarely that a person takes a dislike to me as I am very non-aggressive or threatening to anyone. I keep my thoughts mostly to myself or share only with people I am comfortable with ... but this man here, he wasn't even giving me a chance right from the very start.
I remember in one of my angst ridden notes to him, clearly spelling out I had no intention what so ever of forcing him to end his chosen bachelorhood, I just wanted a friend in him. Nothing not a peep out of him - I gave up, threw in the proverbial towel and decided enough of Heathcliff, let him freeze his balls off in the cold - why would I care!
*sigh* did I just tell you the human spirit is an odd thing? I found that his rejection of me, made me curious, why? what was it that made him turn away from me? what was I doing wrong? what did he REALLY think of me?? Questions questions and more questions - none with answers which was even more infuriating!
So the call was hopeless, I burnt a substantial credit value on it, and although I was chirpy and smiley while speaking keeping it all casual, I again felt that stab of pain in my heart that is rare but when it hits me it really hits me hard. I called actually to apologise for being such a dodo in the past. I called to say can we try to get to know each other better before you write me off as a dodo. I called to say I was not expecting anything other than a friend in him - which is the truth - I expect nothing more from men, I'm too afraid to venture into anything more than friend because I cannot handle the feeling of euphoria you have whilst you think its going good and the shitty crummy heartache that comes when it has gone all wrong ... I've experienced it too many times to want to go through it anymore. It's far worse than coming out of a drug induced high I am sure (although personally I've never done drugs!)
I called to say Heathcliff I'm sorry I messed up by being such a dodo, but I really think we could be super friends, I can learn so much from you. I said bye perhaps a little abruptly, and he didn't even respond even though I had the line still open and he hadn't hung up either ... so I ended the call put the phone aside and kicked myself again - just to remind me that sometimes I am an absolute dodo - especially when it comes to men.
The failure to make any inroads in my attempts to revisit from ground zero kinda mucked up my mood for a good portion of the day. Then I after lunch I decided, well as much as I should accept the reality, I do believe that Heathcliff and I could be great friends - bantering, arguing, writing and just remain so - friends.
I'm no perfect person, but I don't write people off so quickly. I let them prove themselves with an extremely long rope before I cut the ropes and let them go their own ways once they've proved to be disappointments - maybe I go about this thing called living all wrong.
So why I called obviously went bust before I even got a chance to make any sort of comment or amends ... Heathcliff must be patting himself on the back for another job well done at culling the dodo's attempts at striking up a conversation and in all of 5 seconds he'd have forgotten I existed. *sigh* I got to learn how people do this.
And thus I guess I've come to the end of the road with Heathcliff ... although I wish it wasn't so but the start of 2 friends. Happy weekend all, ... I should just go do something more strenuous and collapse in exhaustion, so even my mind will cease to think so much and my heart won't hurt so much either.