Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

17 June 2008

WTF Is Happening To Malaysia ... June 17, 2008

Beaten While Looking For Help What in heavens name is becoming of Malaysians. I am losing faith in my homeland.

To the screw ups who run this country ... you are turning us into a Ghetto-land damn it!!!! People are hungry, people are angry, people are turning this place into a fooking nightmare where you stand in good stead to fear everything and everyone ...

And all we'll be bothered about is if Anwar is going to get his old position back or will he replace the Sleeper and in the mean time let Malaysia become a like those gangland ghetto lands ... where is the decency in people or the empathy or the kindness ...

Keep saying we tolerate and this is what the fooking shit you get ... people aren't bothered to tolerate jackshit anymore ... they want they get it however they can manage to ...

This article is just one of the many that assault you daily if you buy the newspapers .... or why not check this out ... it's an even stupider display of the powers that be ... MAS Terminates Travel Privileges for AirAsia CEO

I mean really what the hell is this about??? I thought we had big boys running the airline but apparently not ... petty juveniles at the helm. *sigh*

Another Malaysia Boleh day in the making ... now all I need is Pak Lah to forget he promised no petrol hikes till next year and fooking raise it tonight to bleeding RM4/liter ... then I am likely to also lose any sense of empathy and kindness and tolerance I have for any moron that comes in my way ...

Maybe what the fooked up powers that be should start is refurbishing and building more and more detention centers/ jails ... after all the only thing going up is our crime rate ... even the average joe/jane is going to be forced to crime to put food on the table ... Call me .aniHood damnit, I was have a good heart too ... what's a little wealth off those fattened pigs for the general masses?

~.ani is bloody pissed off - can you tell????~

Kiss And Make Up June 17, 2008

That was this morning's He Said, She Said on Mix.fm the station or rather the only radio station I have set for nationwide in my car eheheheh - I know I am pathetic!

Anyways, Pietro and Serena C were asking callers to call in and "Kiss and Make Up" ... well I rang.

I guess you can imagine if you know me who I might have in mind when such a topic comes up. Well perhaps you might have guessed it right or maybe not ... let me tell you what I said ...

"I am sorry that it took you 8 years and 2 kids later to discover we were the biggest mistake of your life. I am also sorry that after 6 years since you walked out on us, and due to your irresponsible nature, I am still married to you whilst you are happy with your new family.

I don't want to kiss you nor do I want to make up, all I want is that this breakup be nicely wrapped up... I have no problems saying who you are but you already know who you are. So let's just end this nicely that's all I ask - Thank You."

Now the interesting thing would be if Jacob actually heard this on air today. I do know for a fact the millions of Radio listeners heard me. Do I care that I have put my 'pain' out in the open??

Hell no! Why should I care what people think? This is my life and I want a closure. If a million people heard me and if there is even one person who might know Jacob and who might be able to knock some sense into his thick arrogant skull that there has to be a closure on this matter, I hope that person does it for me.

6 years is a long time to wait wait wait ... and to keep hearing from people all the things Jacob is up to. Even the addition to his and his oriental sidekick's twosome came to me many months back from different people and I have kept my peace. It's what he wants with his life. However not closing this chapter off is unfair to not only me, but also to my girls and to an extent I think to his new addition ... does he want his sidekick to forever be the mistress?? Legally she cannot be his wife, I am the wife on paper.

Grow up moron! I have long since given up my claim on you as a person or my husband. Legalities are the only thorn in my flesh now. So let's please conclude this soon. You have your life, I have mine ... but do things right for once. Saves a lot of hassles and bitterness in the future.

I have also slowly gotten to the point where Kiss and Make Up with Jaan is not something that will happen either. For all the pain I experienced in that relationship, I also tasted some fleeting moments of love and care. Life is never what we wish for ... Jaan too is in the past now. He chose to make it so and I respect his decision too ... Only I remain sorry that he pushed me to take such actions, when all I really wanted was to get us to work out long term.

I read on some guy's page "Are there any REAL women left in the world" and my question back here is are there any REAL men left as well ... it would seem that pretense is what fuels us on in this dog eat dog world we live in.

People get into relationships to leverage on what the other person can give them. When use worthiness is over, relationships are over ... I have learnt this the hard way.

Someone else said I am looking for a God man, my criteria for consideration is too high ... why should I lower it? And end up again with some self centered immature brat? I have seen the type of man I would like to share my life with ... only problem is he is already taken.

So I know he exists ... this man is not a figment of my imagination. I just haven't chanced upon the one for me. Am till then cruising along doing my fine balancing act of work, playing mommy and playing daughter, being friend and confidant to friends who need a listening ear. Writing my thoughts as and when I want to.

The one thing people often forget is the fragility of life. If you have hurt someone, say you're sorry when you get the chance. It takes a bigger person to say it and to acknowledge there was a screw up on your part too.

It's taken me some time, but I am willing to say I am sorry for what I might have done that contributed to the end of my marriage ... I think marrying in your 20s is really not the way to go. Do it only in your 30's - you have matured a bit more and things are clearer more rational.

At 37, I view the world a lot differently than when i was 27. 6 of the 10 years of marriage has been spent on my own raising my girls with my family's support. I think back of conversations and arguements and I think how stupid these were - where was the bigger picture? Ego and immaturity played a huge part in most of those fall outs.

I listen to friends tell me their problems now and I think God been there done that. I make small observations and suggestions. If it works for them - great, their marriage is kept intact till the next meltdown ...

Come on people, we have to realise that when you decide to spend ever after with each other, that's a lifetime commitment ... not till the next hot stud or hoochie mama walks by. People need to grow up first before embarking on relationships - that will give it an edge to succeed - or so I think.

If you just had a spat with someone who means something to you, take a moment to say I'm sorry ... can we try to talk about this again? Take a step back, come back to it with an open mind. And just because you say sorry doesn't mean that the other person is going to accept it and everything is back to status quo.

Circumstances change and people change. Do what is right, keep your conscience clean, and if you can look at your self and can live with the reflection looking back at you ... I guess that's what makes you - YOU! ..

Till then ... the only make up I want is this breakup closed off properly by Jacob ... there's won't be no kissing that's for sure! That's all long over and done with ....

~moving along ....~