Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

8 October 2008

Reflective Mood ... Oct 08, 2008

When I saw this amazing shot, immediately I felt a likeness to this lioness. Although what her reasons for this particular pose I cannot imagine, but in her pensive seemingly waiting state, I find myself.

I used to be known as ani Lioness of the Rainforest back when Geocities chat had interesting rooms and my first foray to online chatting. Most of the friendships made way back in 1996 have withstood the tests of time and distances that separate us.

Such amazing friendships that even now as I sit here contemplating my ever tumultous existence, I feel the love and concern that only genuine friendships accord you.

Anyways, being a Leo, I often associate myself as the lioness, caring and protective of those I love and who mean something to me.

The years have not been smooth sailing for as long as I can remember. But being single and on my own before the children did not feel half as rotten as it does now. Because I am always in a constant struggle to try and find ways to keep head afloat and provide a life for my 2 girls that we will look back on fondly. Not as a phase in our lives that we'd like to disassociate ourselves from.

I showed this shot to some friends and all of them seemed to relate to the waiting pensive look of the lioness. It would seem all of us seem to be in some form of a limbo. And there's an expectant yearning for something to happen that would turn our mundane into something that sends the blood racing ... but there's nothing!

Politically nothing worth paying attention to. Anwar continues his 'transition of power' mind play, Pak Lah continues with his will I or won't I vacate and let someone else take the crap that this country has gone to. I have gotten sick of politicians and their bullshit. With the way the cost of living is skyrocketing, I am more concerned how am I going to manage till the end of the month that who next is Premier ... that will happen when it happens and then let's see where it all heads to.

Divorce wise - another stalemate. The Aug 20th 'hearing' date came and went with the judge being off as it was "cuti sekolah" ... nice to know they have family time, while I wait to have that clean break which allows me to say I am divorced with conviction. I am Separated (6 yrs - yes you heard me right) just doesn't cut it for me anymore ... close old chapters; open new ones ... life is passing without taking a pause to asking me where I want to be heading. Meeting Jacob for that 'settlement' discussion also a stalemate - I guess when someone has convinced themselves we don't exist - it's hard for them to realise they still have obligations to the children they fathered. And so I wait .. wait .. and wait. I know Jacob has his whole new family all well running 'wife'... 'child' ... super - I am happy he's got something going but errr excuse me, let's tie loose ends here.

Me and my literary foray. I write here to keep the words flowing. Not like I make any sense to anyone let alone myself at times, but let the words flow and eventually I hope to find my style of writing and eventually put together all those words and make it my own best seller, a page turner for those who picked it up. But for now, I am remain merely a rambling blogger not even with a following of readers. Perhaps I am really not a good writer at all - one of those wannabe trash type churners - YIKES!!! Cannot be, I know I can write and I can write it well ... just need to find my style and be comfortable with it ... and so there we remain in a literary limbo .... *sigh*

My long overdue chat with Art (I love ya babe!!) I found out he's moving to London. Ahaaa it seems timely to chuck everything I am doing now and go hole up with Art and both of us loveless sexless sistahs should get together and search for jobs ... with Art being in London, I feel hope. Art has and always will be someone who totally put me at ease from all the insanities of the world I face. I miss our Bangkok days, sitting on the balcony of his tiny apartment overlooking some murky Bangkok 'river' and the the river taxis sipping mint tea by the pot loads just barring soul to each other.

And Art reminds me that I need to just take the plunge, the risk and stop being held back with all the excuses I come up with for not just taking this walk on the road never travelled let alone less travelled and find myself in possibilities that could change my whole existence positively .... and that positivity would trickle into Ashna and Kasha's and we'd be closer to getting where we want to be instead of worrying of the what if, maybe and perhaps... I hear Art loud and clear. If anyone knew me well, I would think Art has seen my soul with no covers or pretense ... I feel no need to be anyone but myself raw and uncensored when I am with Art ... these years of not sharing pots of mint tea has taken a toll on me ... I am probably at my lowest point now, perhaps the lowest has yet to come ...

Having said that, I am pensively waiting for some test results after a planned check up with my O&G. Not very heartening news. And as I wait, I try to remain in positive spirits that the results will come back negative, and all will be status quo. Life will continue as it has and no more dramas. But one side of me sub-consciously has been thinking, what if ... then how will I face the facts and how will I utilise the time I have left. The faces of my 2 babies keeps coming up and I find myself again in a state of agitation and pensive waiting.

Nope I'm ready to go anywhere just yet. I will sign a contract with the Devil, if he will give me another 23 years - I am only asking for this nothing else ... 23 more years to be able to work and earn money that will see my girls through their first degree and first job ... after that the Devil is free to call his favour back. Such contracts one does not sign with the big G in the sky aka God, only the Devil will give you something you want so badly to then take everything away in a single unexpected blow, and hence if it comes to that, I will wager my life to the Dark One ... I must be here for that long ... Pessimistic? Perhaps ... but ani has to look within myself to find my strength to face more of the challenges that lie ahead.

Jacob probably gave me the only compliment as he was to leave, which was that he knew no matter what, I was not the kind to roll over and die - aaa well Jacob, thank you for that much - because in acknowledging that perhaps you feel less guilty about walking away from your responsibilities to the girls ... because you left them in good hands you think? But my dear you forget I am mortal, not one of the Gods blessed with immortality and in being mortal, sometimes life is snuffed out before it even begins to fledge it's wings.

I was never afraid of death, but now I worry it might come upon me too soon before I can give my girls their start to life ... perhaps in being a mother, I worry more because had I been as the Malays say "Sebatang Kara" - like lonely driftwood perhaps is the closest imagery I can conjour, I'd not have cared when Hades met me around the next corner. But now, I have to avoid this accidental meeting, because I have too much more on my plate to finish before Hades can claim me.

And so the lioness, sits thinking, looking, wondering and yet in many ways already acutely aware of what needs to be done next in order for the survival of her young and herself. Life is funny, I think when you are a mommy, life and the desire to live takes a whole new meaning ... until then the lioness will think, plan, and execute what will ensure her young live strong and good lives ...

~paw to paw .ani watches the horizon...~