Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

12 February 2008

Despair ... Feb 13, 2008

poised on crumbling ledge
pain embodied
at crossroads
yet too far out on the edge
stained, once healthy cheeks
now sunk sullen and bleak
futile search through swollen eyes
half blinded from tears cried
alone, afraid, anxious
disconsolate, despondent, desolate
forward or to retreat, reconsider
questions and more questions
precariously perched looking down
despair tips the scales
plunging silently
head first into oblivion
thud shatters
an otherwise noiseless end

Have You Thought About Dying? Feb 13, 2008

Seriously have you? I have at many points in life. The very subject matter is not something one talks about perhaps over a cup of coffee on a lazy day but it's the kind of thought that will suddenly pop into your consciousness when you least expect it. And then it stays some and gnaws at you like as if it were about to take immediate effect and the next moment you are going to be laying there flat, physically dead but your conscious mind very much alive watching the drama that unfolds. Or something to that effect ...

I am strange. No doubt. Most girls dreamnt of prince charming and wedding bells joyfully ringing perhaps in some grand setting full of aplomb and orchestrated gaiety. I on the other hand, had much more morbid thoughts and dreams.

I would lie in bed as a youngster before sleep overcame me, and thinking how it might be to be a famous rock star, or actress or some celebrity. I'd also find myself thinking of crossing societal boundaries, and riding a super bike amongst a group of questionable friends and causing a stir amongst the traditionalists - what is that girl doing if you can even call her a girl to begin with. Or perhaps even sailing on a ship, part of a crew that did good samaritan type work and enjoyed it.

I dreamt of bunjee jumping (now thats out with my back problems) ... white water rafting for fun, diving and immersing myself in the deep blue sea ... there might have been moments of peril, of adventure, and sometimes almost involuntarily there would be the essence of death.

And I have thought about dying as a form of escapism from present troubles (whenever that present might have been) and the varying scenarios of how I might meet my end ... and somehow I think my end will come rather silently and alone. Somehow I cannot see myself having to meet my Creator surrounded by a huge entourage of friends and family.

Somehow, alone is how I see myself leaving this world. An not even missed in any essence of the word. Not like I want to be missed, but it be nice wouldn't it?

Remember Tom Hanks in Philadelphia? Remember the last scene at his wake. That be a really nice way to go wouldn't it? And people all happy even in their grief of loss? Happy smiling mingling reminiscing of times now executed and immortalised.

I think about dying more than I should perhaps. Even now in my present. And I barter with God. Not yet God not just yet. I have to be here hale and healthy or at least with capacity to work and earn and take care of my girls. I'm not all that good hence please don't take me whilst I am young.

Yes Yes certified loony I am. But I find in thinking about death and how it sneaks itself into our presence without invitation helps desensitize me from the fear of it. Many people fear dying. I don't fear it only I am not ready as yet to give up my space on earth. I have too many things to look after and put into place and ensure especially for Ashna and Kasha that by the time mommy has to leave this mortal body, they are grown young women who are confident and well prepared to face the world on their own with their feet firmly planted.

So my barter is 60. My logic? Ashna would be 31 and Kasha 29, they've have finished with basic degrees, likely with some sort of career they are passionate about and perhaps even on the verge of starting their own little family units. I wouldn't really be too much use by then to them. And I'd hate to be a burden in any form to my girls. So 60 be alright. I would be grateful if God blessed me with good health to live a fulfilling remaining days.

Perhaps I might have the time and the moolah to finally travel the world a little and see with my own 2 eyes all that my mind has traveled through pages of printed word and googled websites.

Perhaps I might finally find the time to sit in quiet contemplation and put my book together - the one I have burning inside me wanting to be written, demanding to be told and shared.

Perhaps I might find love in my autumn years with one who is like minded and like experienced. One who together I might share my thoughts with, speak without fear of chastising or ridicule ... but this is the least of my perhaps ...

More importantly perhaps I will have the time to take time for me. Live a little for me. Find out who I have evolved into with the passing years.

I would like to die in my sleep with some dignity. That is my only vanity request to God. I don't want to be sick and burdensome on others especially not the girls. I don't want to be forgetful and incoherent. I want to spend each day enjoying every moment that when I breathe my last breath in my sleep, it should be one with no regrets just content that I have lived this life to the best of abilities inspite of the challenges thrown at me at different stages.

So yes indeed I think about dying. Especially in a time when today you might have spoken to someone, tomorrow they are no longer. You are not able to express to them what they meant. How the might have hurt you with their callous actions or words. Maybe they may have even been someone you had strong feelings for but time robbed you of the opportunity of sharing that with them.

People seem to be dying all of sudden, that if one were to not think about it one must be totally stone cold, perhaps already dead. I think about dying because I feel like I must make everything right before I go. I don't want loose ends and unfinished business for my survivors to complete.

Have you thought about dying? Mayhap too morbid a thought for you. For me it's just another stage of our existence or in this instance exit from the world of the living. It's inevitable, and it awaits all of us no matter what we do to avoid it. Hence like change, I embrace the fact that I am a mere mortal and my days are numbered.

God, just don't call my number just yet ... no until I've seen my responsibilities and obligations through ... and in passing into the other side, may it be peaceful and dignified.

.... I am an odd one I admit.