Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

27 June 2008

Deflated ... June 27, 2008

I was in quite a cheery mood this evening. I have no clue why.

Maybe because it's Friday
Maybe it was that lunch chat with Colleen
Maybe because I've written quite a bit this week
Maybe because the sunset was beautiful and breathtaking
Maybe something inside me just wanted to be happy.

I left office about 19:15 got unto the NKVE about 15 minutes later and unto the ELITE some 10 minutes after ... then it was smooth sailing.

I had Mix.fm on, Sham was on air. I knew Roshan was still doing the 8pm slot, so I figured I'd try ringing in and saying hello.

Passing all the Subang turn off on the ELITE, Charles and me were cruising a steady 140/hr ... like I give a fook about a summons ... I got a few I need to settle, but it's Friday and instead of chilling in some watering hole or partying am like usual heading home. So Charles and I are homeward bound fluctuating between 100 to 160 depending on what's happening ahead of us on the ELITE.

Pass KLIA exit ... YAY ... I smell home. I'm out of the call drop zones, I try mix.fm ... no answer ... nevermind ... Celine Dion comes on air with that catchy number ..I'm Alive ... and I'm singing my guts out, and bobbing about behind the wheel to the beat. It's all so weird, I feel tingly all over, almost expectant. Hmmmm ...

Accelerate am almost turning down Nilai Utara - aaa just on Tuesday I made a 991 call to report a fire on the slopes at about kilometer 45 of the ELITE. I suppose BOMBA found the fire - my mobile is not barred *grin* that's quite a burnt patch there ...

Down past SKF, I dial mix.fm again, I get Roshan on the line - Yo Dude how's it going kinda chat. And Roshan says you're sound really hyped up and I laugh my usual belly laugh ... I am starkly aware that I am extremely buoyant in my mood, and I have no apparent reason for it.

I hang up and with some zig zag through snail paced cars, I am through the TouchnGo lane at the Seremban exit. I need to go to Lobak side to the North Post Office to drop some letters off. And that's when I look into my rear view mirror and I see him. He looks the same. Driving a different car now. He's seen me first, how can he not recognise Charles. We spent so much time in Charles together.

Instinctively my hand reaches out to the passenger seat where he used to be. He was looking right into my car. He must have realised I'd seen him too, because he started fiddling with his handphone. Lights change and the traffic moves again. He's overtaken me now and we don't look at each other, although I know I want to because I know I want to speak to him.

I don't think he wants to talk to me nor even acknowledge me. Irony, where I am heading to is where he lives. We drive me behind him, me beside him. I know I have to fight myself from turning to look at him when he's on my right at the junction. I know if I did, I'd ask him to stop just a few minutes, I need to tell him somethings. It's all about telling the people you love(d) before it's too late.

He makes a sudden right turn into some shops where back when we were together, there was cafe we'd sit sharing one order of food and drink as late night supper. We looked so perfect together. We looked so in love. I drive straight on. I am not sure if he turned to avoid me? Or he turned expecting me to follow.

Another lost moment another lost chance for me to tell him things for one last time. He's driving a spiffy looking yellow Gen2 with a Negeri number plate - it's seared unto my mind. From what I saw of him, he looks exactly the same, and almost immediately, I knew just exactly how he'd smell, that warm smell of his skin mixed with his cologne. I missed it just as starkly as I was so buoyant just moments ago.

Just a few posts back, I mentioned telling people we care or who mean something to us, all that our hearts hold within with the excuses we make that let tomorrow come. Mentally I kick myself for having lost yet another chance to have spoken my heart to him.

Another irony of the moment was that the song that was playing on THR.fm's Hindi Power had Sukhvinder Singh singing 'do you know what you mean to me' and I'd been humming along when I caught sight of him.

I kill myself working and thinking and writing about so many things because I want to forget him. Forget the one I was so sure was the one to heal my hurting heart after Jacob left. I have written about Jaan many many times in the past. Written about the pain this end of the relationship brought me. I am not sure if he felt the same pain. He was loving in his good moments, and struck fear in me when his anger and violence caused me so much pain.

Why do I still then miss someone like this? I have only one explanation and it might sound stupid to those of you who are reading this. But when he was loving, when he was happy, he showed me a love that was so unfathomable to me. I had never felt this cherished or special in all my years with Jacob. I loved this chap with a love I can never ever feel again.

And it 's because of this realisation, that I am afraid to find myself in any relationship. He will always be the unseen ghost constantly reminding me that once I loved so deep, that even the father of my children was never loved by me so much.

No man's touch in any form will ever be able to erase the way his touch is branded upon my skin. It was a tumultous and painful relationship towards the end. And I have never felt so much fear and dread of one person especially the one person whose name beat so strong inside my heart. The one person, I wanted so much to spend the rest of my life with. Basking in his love for me and I loving him in return. He was the one I knew that even if there was scarce money between us, we'd still find a reason to be happy.

But this where I learnt, that often what we want most is what life refuses to give us. Life instead threw endless arguements, endless displays of violence, and finally in the end, Life forced me to make a choice. And I chose to stay alive, but forever I'd ripped my heart out.

We have not seen each other since but often unconsciously, I still catch myself saying "Jaan, what do you want to do next?" or something to that effect and then I stop myself as the pain comes rushing back, the tears flow freely. And I know, I still hurt inside. It's still a long long time before Jaan, cannot cause my heart so much pain.

Seeing him this evening was unexpected. And although we did not speak, I know he is in appearance well. For that I am happy. I figure, he's long forgotten what he meant to me, and I have come to accept that I never meant very much to him in the end.

This is the one equation I have concluded for Jacob and for Jaan, both for a short time wanted me in their lives, and to both I never really meant anything. I was the fool to have assumed I meant as much to them, as they meant to me. Hence my complete fear of ever letting another man near my heart. Of letting another man ever make me think I mean anything more than just a passing fancy like the port ships dock at during a voyage.

Perhaps in time too, I may over come this fear. Perhaps is always a nice word to use. It doesn't mean jack shit actually in the end, perhaps is worse than a game of chance or variables because perhaps can also remain a never be ...

The high that I was on is lost now. I realise that there's a sorrow again. And how does .ani overcome sorrow? .ani writes it out. My hearts on my sleeve, shoot me. Like I care.

Jaan, perhaps we will one day speak face to face ... Perhaps ya ... perhaps.

~.ani decides that instead of feeling melancholic, .ani will surf the net for obscure thoughts to write about - better than feeling pain when I should by now have overcome this grappling within ... let go .ani, let go~

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