Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

17 July 2011

A Georges Type Party ....July 15, 2011

After living in Dubai for a year, I finally got around to doing up my home in view of some transiting aunties.  I had to ensure tak drop waterface la ... I mean Malaysian hospitality at it's best.

So off I went, bought a bed for the 2nd room, moved the existing sparse furniture around, threw in a shelf fro IKEA that doubles up as a TV stand and collectibles, and bought rugs for the hall floors ... a bit of creative arrangments and I had a cozy hall going, and guestroom for the 3 aunties. 

They were not just fairly impressed but VERY impressed with my humble home away from home and my version of George hospitality here in the sandpit.  I had a lovely weekend with them before sending them off on their next leg of the trip to Italy and onwards to Edinburgh.  Even my little garden on the balcony got it's fair share of compliments.  

I was proud as hell ... in fact I feel I've just the right mix and match that makes me feel like going home to my place and vegetating in my silence :)  and am sure the girls when they come here for their initial visit which I plan year end will like this home too :))

So having passed with flying colours on the 3 aunties outing, I decided to try and be a little more bold and with a fellow suspect Siny, agreed to co-host a little do in my place of a few select colleagues whom I feel some affection towards.  Naturally this being DXB there was just Siny and myself and the rest were all chaps.

We had a small group of 16, I cooked 6 dishes, the guys had been warned this was a BYOB&B party - booze is a little too costly for my pockets.  Which I have to say, everyone came with a little something and the little do that was meant to kick off from 7pm started warming up by 8:30pm - by Dubai standards - I guess I arm twisted everyone on being timely with threats to give away all the food to the guards if people didn't show up on time.

We ended the evening somewhat closer to 2:30am the next morning with some really spirited souls and all round good laughter, jokes and friendship.

There was no special reason for the dinner gathering other than we'd been talking about something like this for so long that it seemed timely to finally get down to actually doing it and with the right mix of folks. 

At the end of the night it felt like one of the typical Georges Christmas parties, food abound, spirits, someone or other giving the laughs and some unforgetable gems like unicorns have 2 horns after looking at a really suspect tripod someone was using that evening - it alludes to some more kinky looking toy than a tripod - if you follow the meaning here.

I have to say even though my feet were killing me from standing from 8:30am cutting dicing chopping marinating cleaning and cooking - the whole afterglow of a successful evening of throwing people together was such a satisfaction.  The 2 office boys that came were so touched to have been part of the group, we had managers,we had execs and we had the admin support as well ... in typical Georges parties, it is not what you are that matters but who you are as a person that does.  And I think I had a really great group over. 

And I think everyone else as we sit here laughing over and over again about all the nonsense from that evening, I gather they all also had a really good time.  I might do some more sporadically over the coming months. 

In Dubai going out is such an expensive affair and this small gathering was a welcome respite from the monotony of working life.  A chance to kick-back and relax with friends.

It almost made me feel like home ... let's see if there's another round of this gathering.

11 July 2011

Sandpit Musings ... 11 Jul, 2011

Well Well Well ... (almost sounds like the start of a Duffy song don't it?) ... been a while since I put fingers to a keyboard and tried to capture the myriad of thoughts that continuously plague my mind.

Sometimes I have felt the gush of words but no motivation to actually type it all out to the universe at large. At times I've felt all words have dried up and am wordless thought devoid numb from the endless bombardment of negatives and trials that keep coming up my alley even as I try to side step and stay out of trouble.

I have longed for a new beginning, but I keep getting rehashes from the past, like unwelcome relatives past experience clings on making anything new easily tarnished by their lack of optimism for the future.

The metamorphosis from cocoon to butterfly that I had hoped would have taken place seems to have become a shrivelled shell with nothing colourful bursting forth. I find despite the increasing sense of needing like-minded company to save me from sure insanity if I continue in this hermit like existence, it is the hermit solitude in which I feel least stressed, least demanded upon.

It seems like my life has ebbed away and all opportunities with it. I feel that the trials and battles of the last decade now legally over refuses to let me get back into the saddle and ride with the wind in my hair and sun on my face. Instead it seems to hover invisible but ever present in limiting myself because precedence is how people view you - your past it seems inevitably catches up and a 1+1=2 mathematic deduction is made as to your capabilities.

In my case single mom+divorcee = incapable of being asset to work environment - something I've tried to battle since the start of this misadventure. But it keeps persistently rearing its ugly unwanted head. And I've come to a point, I am tired of trying to convince anyone that I am much better than their "spotlight seeking stars" just because I prefer to make it happen with as minimal fanfare. I keep telling myself .ani you have to be mercenary, grab any chance at propelling yourself into the spotlight, your youth is gone, all you have are handful of chances before you stand holding but a handful of dust.

But I lack that "kill agenda" in my nature. I work my ass off and watch the accolades go elsewhere, the promotions and recognition to someone else and remain the unknown in the shadows.

And I am constantly panic attacked looking that I hit 40 in just under 5 weeks. I still have nothing I can be deemed successful by. I had that time, but I made choices which shifted the whole balance and put me at the losing end when I had thought I had made decisions for the betterment of my future. No amazing bank balance, no gold, no property, nothing! ... material measures nonetheless - but these are what the society at large uses as yardsticks to measure a persons success.

Still struggling, still trying to figure out if I take anymore blind leaps of faith where will it land me and how will I pull through. People tell me my success is in that I have 2 beautiful and special daughters, that my rewards for the sacrifices I make now is in watching them become good human-beings and they will understand in time that what I cannot give them now as easily as their friends and peers get is because I am working for a better tomorrow for them.

It would be fact to say I want my kids to be proud of me and the decisions I've had to make to give them a future. It would be a lie to say that I am not often wracked with guilt for not being their ideal deep pockets parent. But this is the life and the truth of our existence.

Blaming anyone else is no longer a viable excuse. They've moved on with their lives, we are but non-existent. I wish for more strength from within as I take on the challenges of present day and those I am much aware await me in the future. Is wanting the past to stay exactly where it is should such a bad thing? I mean yes there are lessons learnt - which is not a bad reference point, but why does the fear of all things past continue to grip my heart as I try to make better todays and tomorrows.

Am I so lacking in self determination and confidence that I cannot shake off the foreboding the past places upon my present as it clouds the future?

Why am I still questioning and not finding answers when by now at 40 life should make some sense even as the world around remains in chaos.

I guess the education of .ani is far from over. I continue on my learning curve and I am still learning me and how far I can go for love, acceptance and peace of mind. I'm in battle with myself - probably the hardest battle one has to face up in ones life. All other battles have clear definition of win or lose or draw but when you battle your self, how do you claim victory?

Let me scurry away into the recesses of my mind and heart and perhaps I will eventually find my answers by observing the world as it revolves around me completely oblivious of my presence.

Till then peace out and happy trails everyone, .... .ani is going through another round of self dissection - hopefully there are answers as I too evolve with the ticking of time and shifting of the sands.