Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

16 October 2011

Maturity - Where Are You? ... Oct 16th, 2011

I came across this image on the hierachy of maturity and felt it necessary to share it with all the web-crawlers out there that might not have chanced upon it yet.

Fundamentally I think these really are quite to the point.  The various negatives and positives that one goes through in the journey .. just thought to share it for a laugh or for some thought provoking moments.

Happy Sunday everyone :)

14 October 2011

Procrastinate Not ... Oct 14th, 2011

Procrastination is simply putting off or delaying action on matters that require immediate action/response.

Ask me, I have many instances in my life that I've procrastinated on only to in the weeks that pass wonder why why why didn't I do what I should have at that time and then fall into my life hates me mode and ask the eternal unanswerable question why me.

So having spent 3 decades or rather my 30s in a constant state of flux and then I delay actioning the long list of to dos and then find every imaginable excuse to justify that act, I sometimes look at myself in utter contempt and disgust.

It now comes to me had I been more risk taking and more action than contemplation, I might have charted a much different path for myself from aeons ago.  Instead I have had to swallow the bitter pill of admitting that I was the cause of the life I ended up with.  To some degree external parties and forces played their part.  But the crux of it all is that had I been more in control I'd have chosen to captain my ship better now find myself aground in shallow waters waiting waiting waiting for a tide to come in and raise me afloat again.

And with time, I seem to find this side of me extremely despicable.  I still suffer bouts of procrastination from simple things.  Even updating my resume and circulating it now that I'm here in the Middle East is an excruciating exercise.  I find myself reactive to perhaps an inquiry rather than purposefully constantly updating it with my changing scope of work. 

Thus it somewhat amuses me that when I see someone else procrastinating on something that if they actioned immediately would be so much more rewarding to their state of being, they choose to keep pushing it to tomorrow. When tomorrow becomes today it get pushed to the next tomorrow.  Like damn it ... all the yesterdays are now the tomorrows you spoke about today.

40 has made me less patient even with myself so what more when I see someone with potential to be some place better finding every excuse ever tried out on why they are not actioning it.  One day it's health, the next day it's exhaustion, the next it's change of plans etc. etc. etc.

The list goes on. 

And that is why I as walked through the closets of time and revisited memories I had long tried to repress and forget I felt the only apt tribute to the my late uncle was the line "A life waiting to happen that ran out of tomorrows."  Anyone knowing this uncle of mine would immediately understand this.  In some ways perhaps his sudden death is a blessing of sorts to many.  He chose to exist within his own tormented mind seeing everyone as an enemy to the "works/sacrifices" he did - these remain 95% of the time figments of his imagination. 

This is not to say that he didn't sometimes come up shining - he did.  But the overall person was a far cry from the image he saw himself in.  He was a toxic being.  He managed to invoke so much bile and anger and pain in so many people through the years. 

He always blamed the world for his lack of success - the fact that he had talents grossly under utilised or misused seems to have missed him completely.  He was quick to find fault if suggestions were made to him, quick to take offence and quick to retaliate in inane ways.  Hence much of his life was spent waiting for what he felt was rightfully his but never making any attempts for himself to go out there and take the proverbial bull by the horns.

The 10th of October 2011 his tomorrows ran out 2months and 4 days shy of his 58th birthday.  He died from a massive cardiac arrest.  His funeral arrangements were swiftly carried out back home.  For someone who by choice chose to ruin family ties, it was his immediate family that came together to lay him to rest.  We can only hope that in death, he finds his waiting life and the peace of mind.

This turn of events set me thinking about life.  The fragility of life is unquestionable.  And yet we find ourselves sometimes unable to accept our chosen lives.  Face up to the consequences of choices we make.  Procrastinate or jump to action.  The quiet voice of reason and subconscience speaks to us even when we try to block them out. 

It made me also realise that from those past lack of action on my part, my life took a shape and a course.  Mostly to my dismay it led me to throught treacherous waters. The turbulence has yet to settle.  However the fact that I am aware and conscious that I want my life start now and happen now and not wait for things and others to initiate it is a big step forward.

My evolution is that I am very aware I want to live my life now on my terms, not keep waiting for something to happen.  Everything that is to happen is within my own hands to guide.  Like a good captain, I have to take control of my ship.  Leaving it in the hands of others merely sets me up for more troubled waters. 

So while I relearn my ship sailing skills, I wish you happy trails ....

8 October 2011

Big 4-0 ... Oct 08, 2011

August 16th came yet once again and this time it closed the chapter on the Turbulent Thirties and opened before me the next decade of my life - another milestone to chalk up experiences and adventures and hopefully with as minimal servings of turbulence and heartache and frustrations. 

At least that was the plan as is always with each birthday, I tell myself ".ani it's going to get better from here on."

Sometimes it does, most times it takes itself on its own journey not quite subscribing to my GPS input and navigational skills.  Most times it leaves me frothing at the mouth like some rabid creature when things fail to go according to plan and frustrations amount. Sometimes I just step back and let life just ravage my sanity the way it always does without resistance - I've learnt sometimes it's best to not fight back just let it take what it wants and move on.

Rare but yes it happens too, miracles, surprises, pockets and slivers of hope and joy gush and fill me and elevate me back into the land of living, refreshed, rehashed, revitalised until life comes along again and takes its best shot at knocking me down.  I keep getting up and dusting off - it must frustrate life a lot that I just don't give up and shrivel and die.

As the days approached to my big 40 birthday, I spent countless days and night drowning in self mortification - I was such a failure all the goals that I'd set for myself at this age - all was but handfuls of dust.  I hated being alone here in Dubai.  Not finding an excuse to over-indulge in some Secret Recipe cheesecake creation was even more disturbing.  I wanted to just be home, with Ash and Kash and feel better about myself that things will get better from now on.

There'd been talk about having a Leo birthday do, a spin off from the impromptu no reason gathering we had on July 15th - the first time I'd entertained colleagues in my humble home.  The date picked was Aug 18th and the plan was to buy food and just provide my home as the spot.

The party was good fun, the aftermath took days of cleaning but still I missed spending this milestone in my life with my girls.  I mean I don't have a complete family unit but everything is about the girls.

In all of this mania of aging, I decided to challenge myself with the dreaded Dubai Driver's License ordeal.  Getting your license in this country is like getting multiple PhDs or root canals - whichever you torture threshold can stand.

First is the ridiculous number of of fees
Second is the ridiculous number of tests and assessments
Third is the ridiculous number of Re-tests and classes for each failed attempt.

Most of the men in my office have at least 4 minimum resits to pass.  This even when it was for an Auto License.  Ladies sometimes passed 2nd or 3rd attempt on Auto - no need to go into the double digit attempts for Manual License.

I opted for an Auto License which encompassed 20 lesson coz my Msian license was over 5yrs, some AED3500 thanks to a discount voucher from GoNabIt that gave me 10 free classes for 10 signed and paid up ones ... and I passed all tests and assessments on the first round.

27th September on the Final Road Test with 2 other candidates both sitting for their 5th attempt off we went with me being the first up.  Incessant yelling and scolding from the RTA Lady Officer and 2 more harrowing test driver experiences later we were parked in the bay and Test Score Sheets were given out with a lecture - mine was clean and said PASS in big bold.

Nearly died from joy - I did it! At 40 I took on something no one really thought I would pass on first attempt but I did.  Why? Because as much as I am a battled scarred soldier, I am pretty damn good at some things.  And especially when I do put my mind to it, I create small miracles.

So at 40 I earned my Dubai Driver's License at one sitting - the only problem now is I ain't got no set of wheels.  In time perhaps I will find myself one.  I mean I was 31 when I got my Malaysian Manual Driver's License.  I start late but I finish it ace ;-)

Perhaps in some essence, life does begin at 40.  Perhaps it is because in many ways we have come of age.  We have grown up, we have changed as the trials buffed us about and threw us in the deep ends.  I look at a lot of people and realise their journeys are no less inspiring. I find lessons from each of their experiences.  I find that I no longer wish to participate in the "this is as good as it gets" living.  There's my life and it's waiting to take off.  Waiting to make history of some small personal measure.

As much as I do at times want to tell the morons that cloud my happy days with their bile and their self mortifying venom which they so freely spew and spit into my way just because they feel it is their justified right to try and put me in my rightful societal perceptions of what a woman like me should be placed, where to put their sorry asses - experience tells me to bide my time.  Their glass ceilings and walls keep me from spreading my wings and reaching new heights but one thing keeps me sane - karma is bad ass, it kicks you when you are not expecting it and it kicks you hard. 

For a battle veteran like me, I've been paying karma dues a long time, my end perhaps is just around the next bend or two or more but its there for sure and good things are waiting to happen.

Hitting 40 and looking at what's ahead, it's nothing I've not been prepared for.  But with a little bit of luck and blessings, it's going to keep getting better from now on.  I have come to a point where if I don't like it, I say so.  If for reasons of survival I have to hold my piece, I keep my distance.  If I can change something I will, if I can't - sod it, look elsewhere.

The next 20 years is my life waiting to happen and to make it happen the way I want it to is in my own sculpting hands.  No free rides, no free passes, no handouts I know ... but with a good stash of soul fuel and some basic navigational skills, I am so going to find this waiting life and then make it reality and wallow like a water buffalo in a pool of mud till my number is called up and it's time for me to call it quits on this karma outing of mine.  Hope this is the last of my rebirths and all past dues paid up.

In the mean time here's to the 40s to blooming and flourishing and feeling top of the world.  There's nothing this old auntie can't do ... come sock it to me life, you and me we're not just about done feuding are we ???

Happy Trails everyone and much love always ....