Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

2 November 2007

Musings of a Muggy Mind Nov 1, 2007

It is the 1st of the 2nd last month of the year. And we are counting till the end of 2007 ... some waiting for the onset of 2008. Me personally, am somewhat unsure if I am anymore interested in anything beyond the survival of today.

No No don't get me wrong ... am not giving up on life or living or in a defeatist mode but rather, I guess this is a phase that too shall come to pass in time. 2007 has been some real rollercoaster ... first 6 months of the year seemed to be getting better, I felt pretty hopeful and recharged and ready to take on the world

Hahaha little did I realise, this lull was merely the calm before the storm and a WHAT a FREAKING storm it has been since then. I mean hey I am quite used to riding 'storms' out without life jacket and not knowing how to swim, but this year ... man it has taken the cake ... in my already sorely lacking in scope but emphasizing more horror kinda horoscope (you wonder no why its called that??) this has been the year all the plugs were pulled out in fine glory!!!

Am standing here on the threshold of the impending new year and for once in my life, I seem uncertain if I have all that it takes to make it through another year. I have self diagnosed all these constant aches and pains and extreme fatigue to be my body and my soul screaming out to me ... its time to stop ani - time to take 5 and chill relax you're burning out. And ani cannot afford to burn out. There's Ashna and Kasha totally dependent on me to lay the path of their dreams and aspirations.

As much also as I have kept myself preoccupied to the point of total mental emotional exhaustion to be unable to even allow a sliver of the loneliness that is ever present to even make its presence felt or known, it seems that these last battered and bruised months, she has managed to sneak out from that tight lid I keep on her. And she taunts me in every possible way. She brings to fore all the memories I have shoved to the far end of my mind and kept buried out of my hurting heart. She constantly shoves in my face the fact that some people who'd meant the world to me are so happy minus me in that equation that I have ceased to exist in any form in their day to day. Now this would be awesomely wonderful if they in their absence did not still hang like an executioner's axe or hangman's noose over my exposed neck.

At the start of this year, I told myself I would steer clear of being in any form of relationship other than platonic friendships and this is how things would stay until the time when all legalities have been laid to rest and I have wrested my technical singlehood back from the clutches of the Civil Marriages. The bloody family law to date in this country has only shown me that it is patriarchal in its approach and stance and totally unfair in the instances where the wife stands to gain nothing at the end of a long drawn meaningless battle. The biasness of the judges who preside or their indifference to the plight of now ditched wives raise the children, handle the finances and have to somehow exist within a skewed societal view of the dreaded divorcee makes me retch in total dismay.

Ask me. I have been lost in the system now for 5 years. And with each year I grow less hopeful that my children might ever see a penny from that man who fathered them. I know I am further in debt with lawyers who somehow always find a way to squeeze you even when there is nothing left to squeeze. All this should really leave me extremely bitter at the world. Ironically, it's left me more philosophical - perhaps its the first signs of insanity setting in, because how much can a single person take, before its become too much to take??

When I was younger, I considered marriage to be the right way of being in a man woman union. Having been there once, I have changed my mind. Marriage is but a piece of paper. The relationship with or without that paper is what matters most. I have sometimes laughed about getting into a totally loveless torrid affair solely on the premise of lust ... but I laugh only because, I am incapable of such extravagance. And hence, my now almost comic re-virgined status :)) - it's not all bad ... really... takes some getting used to but you DO get used to it and life chugs along.

So relationships have been zilch. Work despite enjoying the work, the glass ceiling is heavily felt. I am so much better experienced and yet, I seem to always by a hair's breath miss out on earth shattering opportunities ... and I feel desperate. I am closing in on 40. I had so many dreams and plans laid out ... all hijacked in the last 5 years and now I feel almost like that drowning man clutching at straws ... I need something better, more financially secure but all seem to escape me ... and I am left feeling the mounting pressure.

And hence I grown uncertain. Can I keep this up? This pace? will I begin to falter. And if I do, what are the consequences? Where is all this heading to? How will I make it turn around and set course to where the rainbow holds the proverbial pot of gold? I do not blame anyone anymore for anything. It seems that I myself seem to be a magnet to these trials and tribulations even when I am doing my damnest to avoid any trouble.

So I realign my approach. I do not avoid trials, I just take them one step at a time. Battered, bruised, lost at times, but I am always the trooper, am marching forward. Confused maybe, hurt in the past maybe, but I know I am stronger, or else by now you might have lit some candle some place in memory of me.

They don't make fighters like they used to. But I know I belong to a breed of women and men, who no matter what the world throws at us, I refuse to lie down roll over and die. I will pick myself up and I will walk painfully slowly but I will walk. That is the best thing I can give myself ... the dignity that I have done all that is within my capacity to overcome and raise to each occasion. I would make any army man proud ... such a perfect infantry/foot soldier candidate of those old armies. Certain death, and yet bravely moving forward.