Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

5 December 2017

Letting Go ... 051217

It's been aeons since I even remembered I had a blog that used to serve as sort of a chronicle of the misadventures and the blessings in my life.

After moving to the sandpit as I called the place I was in for 7 years, life took on its own busy schedule of work and then when the daughters moved over to juggling demanding worklife and balancing that out with being a hands on wonder mommy that did everything on my own without help.  The days got so hectic and time flew by.

In those years that I was away so many more things happened and I'd like to say life was a fairytale in the sandpit with oodles of cash I didn't know what to do with and men at my beckoning.  But alas I've never had the opportunity to live a fairytale life ... EVER.

With little remorse or sadness, I welcomed the news of my rapist death with somewhat a sigh of relief, he would not live to be a burden or a demon to anyone else.  He'd already done his damage. 

My mom went through her own battle with breast cancer and thankfully has been blessed with a clean bill of health post chemo sessions.  But with all treatments the side effects is the increasing presence of Parkinsons

My grandma passed away and to say I've accepted her passing is far from the truth.  I still often think of her being around tottering to her own devices.  But for a lady born in her time she was far more independent and farsighted than expected.  She gave me solid advice from the day my ex walked out on the girls and I.  She always said "Hold you head up high, be focused on the children, a man isn't the begin or end all of life and reap from the effort you put in for your girls.  They need a strong mother to raise them right."  Her passing in 2014 was a huge shock for me ... but I guess for the life she'd lived and all her experiences, talents, joys and heartbreaks were laid to rest somewhere in the Straits of Melaka.

My dad had been diabetic from very young, and just months before my shortlived marriage, he'd suffered a diabetic stroke.  I still believe if he'd had a little more spunk, he'd have recovered but that's my dad.  From the time he'd turned 40, every subsequent birthday would be followed with the line "who knows this might be my last".  Even in the years that I was away abroad, every time I called to wish we'd have this conversation.  But this year, on his 77th birthday, when I spoke to him, he didn't say his classic line.  His diabetes was wreaking havoc since 2010, with leg amputations, repeated infections on the foot and by April this year the dreaded bedsore had made its appearance.

I'd had my own misadventure in the sandpit, having been unceremoniously laidoff from a job that I'd took up 7 weeks prior and remained unemployed despite all efforts to find gainful employment.  So hearing dad's health was on the decline, I opted to comeback home the moment the exams of my elder girl were over. 

We got home, we told mom and dad my big secret of joblessness for the last year, the struggles and friendships that helped us through.  I found work here, on contract basis - something better than nothing.  My folks completed their 47th anniversary 4th July'17 and the next day dad was admitted to the General Hospital because the bedsore needed to be debrided and cleaned and addressed - it was the first time I actually saw the wound and I realised my dad was suffering.

I won't ruminate on the following days but on the 30th of Jul'17 .. 25 days after being admitted my dad breathed his last with my brother and me there.  My sister was flying home when he passed.  It's nearly 5 months now and I still feel like if I look into his room I might find him there watching his TV and I might cheekily say Pa want a peg? But he's not there anymore ... he's gone too ...

The one thing I've come to accept is that we're all growing up and old and soon familiar faces one by one will become memories and someday I too will form a part of the tapestry of memories

The girls have grown and flourished whilst abroad.  I have built a good bond with them I hope that will last through their lifetime.  I've learnt to not allow the sting of being walked out on as a wife affect me too much nor the length of time it took to get my divorce.  I'd rather spend all my time and energy in molding my 2 girls to be good people who have something to give back to humankind.

Letting go might be hard but I've decided that as hard as it seems it's the best remedy to the hurts and pains that it causes by holding on.  We aren't perfect people but we can try to live good lives without causing anyone else pain.

The sun sets each day and rises on the morn of the next and we too will ebb and flow in life ... be brave enough and have faith that for each struggle there is a reward and victory in it.

Be well everyone.  God Bless

23 November 2013

Sometimes beauty is seen when we least expect it to take our breath away ... 
I have my handy iPhone to help me immortalize such fleeting moments ..
let me share what my eye sees in the world around me .... 


4 October 2013

Q3 and Chugging Along 2013 .... Oct 03, 2013

Time sure as hell flies by when you're occupied and busy.
Coz otherwise it has this knack for crawling almost like a vacuum nothing moves.
That kind of "stillness" to me is suffocating.
Perplexes me no end.
I am like one of those characters in literature books that seems to be waiting for something in the horizon to happen to shake the world, to wake it up from its lulled lazy slumber.

Q3'2013 has been quite hectic.

Even then I feel like I am in a never ending limbo
July 1st saw me take over the helm of the project I have been working on since last year. 
What a journey of ups and downs and horrible devastating moments of self doubt when everything you put in with a passion is overlooked and bypassed or made insignificant by those who have a say in your progress.

Naturally it was very emotional time for me.
To be recognised for the work and dedication I have put in selflessly
But on one hand while recognising my efforts, I was hearing but oh we're still concerned because of perceptions out there that people have of you.

These perceptions are exactly what they are.

Ideas perceived by some individuals who continue to bang their empty tin cans trying to tell everyone this is how she is - she's not good enough, she's not qualified, she's not exposed, she's etc etc etc .... after a while you get tired trying to prove people how wrong their idea of you is.
And I let them think I am whatever they want to think of me.
Am too bloody old to be popularity queen.

When school closed out, the plan was that the girls head to Italy for a couple of weeks to allow me time to settle into my new routine of being in charge.
Luck would have it, tickets paid for and everything ... Chickenpox arrived.
First Ashna and then Kasha.
Needless to say both ended up spending the first 3 weeks of summer cooped up at home.

Then it was time to head home for the summer holidays. 
This year I ACTUALLY took 30 days straight.
My brother was finally getting married .... YAY a wedding in the house.

My brother has converted and they were having a Muslim nikah (solemnization) and it was a little nerve-wrecking trying to understand religious, cultural dos and don'ts so that everyone would have a happy celebration of 2 people coming together in marriage.

Some hiccups along the way, ruffled feathers, raw nerves, egos, and typical pre-marital drama tears and arguements went on but on the day itself ... it went smooth and was an encapsulation of a beautiful union cross-cultural and religions.

To the newly weds, this is a lifetime commitment and a journey full of adventure - I wish you happiness and love through all your days as you nurture your marriage and the family to come.

All too soon wedding over, it was time to head back to Dubai - still in its scorching mercury levels and humidity that left you drained and listless.

But day one back behind my desk - had a little excitement in my Carpentry section of my project.  We had a chap nailgun his 3 fingers together while building a crate - AAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE what a welcome back to work.

But thank God, it turned out despite initial fears to be a minor injury and the chap is well recovered and back at his job - a lot more careful now - nobody wants to ever go through that kinda pain ever again.

September rolled on in .. and 60 hour weeks chugged up. Work was moving along.  Things were beginning to be routine.  But I got a awesome gift end of September from my client - an email appreciating my efforts and my leadership - BOOOYAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH now that was UBER special.  Finally a little recognition for a year of slogging ... and it came at a time when I needed it ... so Yeah! Thank you Mr. Templin and Mr. Cotharn ... your words inspire me to do better ...

So as we're crawled into Q4'13 what's ahead? More adventures for sure .... 

Looking forward as the mercury starts to drop ever so slightly ... there's the Dubai Air Show, there's my brother and sister inlaw visiting in December and some definite scenic tours with my road knowledge of the UAE heheehe 

Onward we go .... till next time Happy Trails y'all