Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

20 March 2011

Tragic Comedy of Being Ani ... 20 March 2011

There are many times in my life, I wish I could sit back and watch myself going through the motions of living. As a habit, I usually speak of myself in the 3rd person either much to the amusement or irritation of the language purists.

But then again there's always a deafening din when me myself and I jostle to be heard - hence refering to either one of these horribly opinionated avatars in the 3rd person is probably the best justice I can do for myself.

Having said that though, it seems that no matter what I do or how I try to approach something, someone, inevitable someone out there will find a reason to dislike me. I have long given up on the perception of being liked by anyone. And everytime someone verbalises that I am such a popular character, I take it with a pinch of salt, my popularity is almost always then accompanied by disaster.

My efferversence is read as apple polishing, brown nosing and brownie pointer. My enthusiams to introduce changes in existing processes is always met with "what the **** does she know about what I do" and apparently in Punjabi there's a saying "trying to teach me how to **** when I've a 1000 children" ... I guess you can follow the bawdy colour these take on. It is interesting to note, I've always stayed far away from being any of those 3 because I cannot live with myself if I was such. There is no pride or self satisfaction in being such a low pond scum. But recently I had the honour of being called one of the 3 ... it took great resolve and good friends to stop me from knocking a few teeth out. But I am not amused, and the specimen has crossed the line. And when I am not amused, I have no sympathy either.

Why are people so afraid to admit that sometimes the person looking in from the outside see more than the person right smack in the middle - coz mostly you don't come with Fly Eyes to see 360 round you. Why are people so afraid of suggestion, feedback, criticism? Why is it I have to take all these in the positive light even when it's downright insulting but should I flip side the coin then I am this mega wannabe with no substance apparently.

To me, I've come to loathe my inner self so much. Why do I care if someone else is fucking up big time, so long as it ain't going to fall on my lap. Why do I think no no the other unsuspecting clown has no clue where all this is going, and having gone through so many baptisms of fire, it should interject - save them from the same painful lessons.

Am beginning to think, I am a tragedy to myself. I should learn to ignore. Ignorance is bliss they say. If only it were that easy to ignore someone ramming a cannon up my arse and telling me it's not going to hurt - all I can say is effing asshole! You kinda displayed your extreme insecurity and level of pond scum mentality. You have an issue, have the testicles to take it up where you want it to go, not hammer the female just coz I am not cullable like most women you might know. Submission is not an option for me. I am a battle hardened combat survivor, you don't mean feck to me anyhows, but you underestimate like most people, having me fight your battle gets you farther in the field. Also I never leave or abandon a soldier.
This is the game of life and we are all players on a stage. Let us see where it leads to ... till then happy trails ....

8 March 2011

Times They Are A Changing ... 08 Mar 2011

If 2011 had kicked off somewhat downcast and devoid of hope, it seems that the old adage it is darkest before dawn is true.
When everything looked it's worst possible and I was near the end of my sanity thread, things suddenly seemed to have a light at the end of this tunnel.
And it is all quite accidently evolved. I was as they would say 'membawa diri' from the department I used to sit in and decided to take up a non-threatening position in IT and assist with the administration of new machines and asset tagging in the new office.
What was a quiet unassuming task seemed to manifest itself into something else on its own accord the moment I started sending out routine updates on the progress of the move.
One unplanned trip out to a new site has given me new opportunities within this organisation and I am excited. For the first since I got to Dubai do I feel alive. That my day end is tangible. I can go to sleep feeling accomplished.
Naturally all things come with a price. From complete mind blowing boredom, I never have a moment these days. But this is great. This is what I came out here for. To work honestly and earn my moolah honestly. I am hurting no one, using no one, just chugging along in my life with as few complications as possible. My end goal - give my girls a good shot a life with a good education.
I am constantly reminded that it is darkest before daylight, but there is always daylight as surely as there will be sunset each day. We are learning to fly, learning to live.
Living da vida loca I am not, but to the month of March, let it be the start of new and good things. Perhaps it takes a little longer but good things happen to good people I am told :))
Take Care ...