Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

31 October 2008

A Wedding's Obituary, Oct 31, 2008

My Lord! 10 years has past ...

It's still like only yesterday, the bustle of preparations, the funny extremely long entourage stop at the PETRONAS station to fill the empty tank to get to church. The perfect timing of the power cut just as the priest pronounced us Husband and Wife before family and friends from near and far.

I remember how you held my hand so tight as we walked out of the church beaming albeit sweat trickling down the hot humid Saturday afternoon. And the entrance to the reception and your very nervous speech. And how you looked at me and said "So we are married" and I said yes in that typical way of mine.

I have to say that in those early days, I used to spend some time thinking how I'd mark the milestones of our wedded years and family life and the big one I looked forward to was well our first decade to be surrounded by our children, and families and close friends to renew our vows and commitment to each other for another life time of togetherness.

But even back then, I cannot remember you sharing the same hopes and aspirations. I cannot remember a time that you gave me confidence we'd overcome together - together being the operative word. Small hiccups yes common, fights and arguments all part and parcel of finding our mutual rhythm ...

And so here we are, you're quite happy with Sia and son, perhaps contemplating more additions to your new growing family. And me here, pensively waiting for a piece of paper that ends this farce and for some hope that you might be at least made responsible to your daughters by some act of law ... although my faith in the Malaysian judiciary is less optimistic.

Looking back though, as hellish as the ride has been, I've been getting better and stronger. I look back now with little or any ill feelings, I analyse what perhaps were the weak points, and I introspect about how I am going to just keep getting better. Like someone recently said, you can't keep a good person down for too long ... and I believe I am a good person, not perfect but my heart's in the right place - you might beg to differ but well that's what adds to the spice of living.

A guy friend of the family from the past who in recent times has reconnected with us, is going through somewhat a similar brouhaha with his wife. And as I listen to his side of the story and there's always 2 sides I admit, I feel often times reduced to asking out loud WTF is this all about.

He has set her up with her own little enterprising business before throwing himself into building his. He'd given her a close to 400k house and spanking new continental car. She had pocket money that equalled my salary to spend on herself only ... as he was venting his frustration at her I want a divorce but let's remain friends and maybe we could remarry theory, I laughed out loud sometimes ... both in disbelief and to an extent heartbreak.

In my shoes, I'd never dream of such things from you. Even to have you give the place we called home to our daughters as collateral for their future is like pulling your nails out with pliers. A car??? A house?? POCKETMONEY????????? I have to stop giggling now .... your head would bust if this idea was ever introduced with me as the benefactor ... am sure it's different now with her. Thist was when we were together, what more now that we lead separate lives ... you give me allowances? I think I heard a gasp of disbelief.

This friend still is giving the pocketmoney until the decree is out after which anything and everything related to his child he bears no questions asked - "she's my daughter, it's my duty" are his words. And again I choke ... God Jacob, why can't you just be a fraction of this dude??? Anyhows, can't ask for the impossible.

So today, a milestone to those vows we exchanged of together in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for ever and ever until death do us part ... well this morning, once I parked at work, I took out a mish mashed purple thread ... yes Jacob, I still had the 7 threads with which you tied my minnu on my neck proclaiming to all that with that you would undertake to care and love and protect me. The minnu, the rings sit in a box as I plan how to address them ... I lit the lighter and I watched the silk threads catch flame and turn to dust just like all those empty promises you made 15 years ago, and all those meaningless vows you made 10 years today.

And I declare today that am officially free of this irrational pain of the burden of marriage. Today I burnt the 'corpse' of that wedding. Today I bury the lie of the 'husband' I have on paper. Today onwards Jacob, you are to me "dead" and like the ashes of the threads blown in all directions far far away from me. There will not be any memorial service for this death, there will not be anniversaries to this death ... once and for all, it is over because I choose that it ends now this moment on.

Let the courts and the lawyers meet this 10th December and do what they do best since your walk-out from that meeting on 20th August with 'see you in court' war cry ... I suppose best let things take its due course. Perhaps another 10 years might pass before everything is nicely wrapped up and handed to me in a decree absolut but from today, 31st October will ONLY be about Halloween and a day for me to find a reason and excuse to have a good time on my own or in good company of people who mean something to me.

Happy Halloween to all and may the spooks and skeletons from your closets not overshine the necessity of living one's life to the fullest, because really we owe it to ourselves to be happy every moment we have.

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