Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

18 October 2008

Slivers of Sunshine Amid Gloom, Oct 17, 2008

Sliver #1 : Petrol Price down by another 15sen, now at RM2.30/liter - cause for more joy, I can now have 1 roti sardin and 1 milo ais - talk about luxury living!! I mean a certain premier in waiting wife is rumoured to have spent RM500k for per piece for 14 Rolex watches - how many tentacles does this woman have she needs that many watches??? Even Octopuses have only 8 ... yikes Medusa Revelation you think???? So me being able to afford me luxury breakfast is reason to celebrate.

Let's see now ... the past weeks since my return from Italy have been only what one can describe as living hell - mostly if not in totality related to work and the bossman I work for. He's in a constant PMS state of affairs due to all the negative factors enveloping our country, our economy and well closer to home our company's bread and butter.

And yes, it's his company, he's allowed to vent and rant and whatever else ... but when you start being nasty to people who work for you and start lumping everyone into the same category of those who screw up and fook on off without a care - then it's starting to cross the line. And this week, bossman did an amazing job with me. He killed all the loyalty I've had for the company and for him over the years even when I was outside the organisation, I only sang praises of the stuff 'we' could do. If someone had a business interest and if I could, I'd sell bossman to the fooking max man - stupid loyal dog that I am.

Well I also learnt this week, that loyalty is an archaic trait to possess.

Nobody gives a fooking shit about loyalty these days. I learnt that in my marriage. That contract presumes that both parties remain explicitly loyal to each other - haahahahahha watch me laughing my big fat ass off - we all know where that went or rather continues to drag on with. And in the working world I've learnt countless times this to be true, but I am rather the loyalist, blame it on the genes or whatever but I've to learn this disloyal attitude, it apparently is what works with people these days ... SHEEZ!!

So after this revelation, I'm wondering what the fook am I still doing here, because another important lesson I learnt from all this is when someone feels that they are doing you a favour (well in their minds at least) then it's their right to treat you like crap over and over again and they don't need to feel bad about it, because you owe them that much. Or so it goes ... and being the fooked up salary slave I am trying to stretch me Ringgits as far as it can go - and since I ain't Bumiputra and cannot look forward to ASN, ASB and whatever other fund out there that pays sinful amounts of dividends annually and no deep pockets hubby, lover or sugar daddy in sight, pretty much tells you am fooked to the max here. Can't leave, I need the money, can't stay because someone fooking killed it for me the other day.

So in all that turmoil, I had another few other bits killing me on the side. And one of it being my annual pap smear. Doctor Lady was not happy with how me feminine bits looked up close and personal. So some extra tissue samples, some extra swabbing, some extra bit of everything and some very discomforting medication, I had another 2 weeks of waiting for all those test results to come back. Aside from the visible to Dr. Lady's eye Cervical Erosion (WTF is that especially when those bits of me have not seen no action so long me forgot they bits existed ahahhahahahaha **SIGH**), there were some ulcer like thingamajics ... now being .ani and being the information phreak I am, I had to go read about it ... needless to say, I know what can be done for Cervical Erosion, but these ulcers ... jeepers what in heavens name were they about.

Well for starters, .ani has been told that I do not have the Big C of the Cervix - now if that's not news for rejoicing then I dunno what you sorry souls think is worth rejoicing about. Means this lioness is still alive and kicking for whatever it's worth!! **yipppeeeeee yaa yaa dippity dooooooo** - yup I ain't been done it by the Big C just yet so am happy ... this is Sliver #2 for me :)

I mean nothing they found points to cancer, but the ulcers are still there, and am on some funky monkey type mix of medications (if you see me with a moustache next time please don't laugh). Dr Lady says, this could be due to extreme stress - Now You Don't Say (gives evil eye to bossman who is the perenial cause of me extreme stress and fluctuating BP) and hopefully with these long course of medications, things clear up and she tells me, ease up on the stress girl you're just 37 (ahahhahaha I nod very earnestly at this while thinking how I wish it was as easily accomplished as said!).

Dr Lady also tell me that such ulcers and possible future infections could cause severe harm to my baby should I get pregnant (AIIYOOOOOOOOOOOO does my lack of a sex life need to be so blantantly rubbed into my face???) to which I said, well that's not likely to happen in this lifetime. I mean really now, I am 37, I am still apparently married to one Jacob, I have no known or unknown partner in fact there isn't a single homosapien male specie within 10km radius of me that's even remotely aware .ani is female - so really - there be no more babies coming forth from my feminine bits ... that's a closed shop there! ahhahahaha ok ok info overload - **shut up .ani**

Whilst chatting with Dr Lady who was the O&G for me Ashna and Kasha, I mentioned this increasingly unnerving pains in my lower back which we established in 2004 as L5 displaced. So she sends me along to see the Orthoman - a very nice man. The first Ortho who's looked at me and not told me the pain is all in my mind and it's because I am obese (yeah for all those men who imagine .ani to be some babe, according to Ortho's me is a BABE as in the little pink porkster from Babe in the City fame) and that's the end of their examination of me despite the obvious X-ray showing L5 sticking out rather menacingly. One told me to come back if I ever felt shooting pains down my leg or numbness - you can fooking tell such opinions left me numb to seeking help.

But Orthoman, a very fatherly man carefully explained causes and possibilities, made me do some basic tests and man at times the pain was unbearable. So we've got a MRI and some X-rays next Friday to see what's happening with me creaky knees and my wonky back - because to live in such constant mind numbing pain is no fun. I can only imagine what me Gramma with her rheumatoid arthiritis is going through - the 100X more pain even with medications.

So Sliver #3 is meeting Orthoman who has taken me pain seriously enough to suggest the next course of action - this been pain I have been suffering 8 years since Ashna's birth ... time to find a solution me thinks. It's going to cost me a bomb no doubt next Friday - but if it means some relief can be found, then me is all for it, after all I need to be moving till I'm 60 remember :)) It's the weekend. It's time for me to head home and rejoice with me babies that mommy feels like a second lease of life for now :)) and who gives a fook what bossman says or thinks of me, I know what I'm made off and that all that really matters.

Me and the Big G in the sky ... we're still buddies and that's always Sliver #4 :))

~~.ani says Happy Weekend everyone~~

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