Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

8 August 2009

I Had A Dream ... Aug 08, 2009

I few weeks ago, I woke up sometime in the wee hours of the morning and lay starring at the ceiling of my room in the blue illumination from the aircon light. And turning to my right I found my younger girl curled up as close as she could get into my shoulder.

I sighed. I felt some hot tears on my cheeks and then I closed my eyes and tried to grab some precious sleep. But it did not come easy and I tossed and turned listening to the breathing of my child and the aircon and all sounds of that hour of silent day.

I'd had a dream. I was sitting at a table. At ease and comfortable. And across me sat a woman familiar to me. And we seemed to be chatting and laughing over children and their antics and how ours seemed so much like their father.

We conversation seemed to flow. And we both seemed to be waiting for the children to return. And then they did, my 2 girls and her son with their father. All seemed happy. All seemed at ease and amiable. It felt right, as I waved goodbye. The girls hugged him and we drove off chattering about the day that has passed.

The reason I'd woken up I suppose was because she was the 'now' wife, I was the 'then' wife and he was the father who'd taken all his children out for a day with daddy.

I lay staring at the ceiling wondering if ever there will come a day when perhaps this might happen.

I often wonder why Indian men who leave their wife and children can never seem to remain responsible fathers to their children. The moment they have another woman warming their loins, they forget that they once fathered children with the ex. And these children also need their father's love and attention.

Children need parents to give them an anchor in their lives. Parents who correct them, who spoil them but most importantly who love them for who they are and shaping them in who they will become.

Having grown up watching many Mother's and Father's Day movies where step-parents have also gone more than the extra mile for the love of their children. Divorced parents remain friends for their offsprings sake ... it used to move me tears growing up. I used to look at my own often times bickering parents and think why can't they be like these stories.

Hence when I got married, I imagined that happy family environment for my kids and hubby and me. Well we know that didn't work out exactly as I had envisioned.

One of my most fervent hopes at the onset of this epic separation journey was that Jacob would be a good father to his girls. Putting aside his differences with me, he'd love his daughters. Be a responsible father. That too has not come to pass. Instead he's not laid eyes or contacted his daughters since that faithful day in April.

And I asked myself later in the morning as I was driving why had I dreamt something that was totally impossible to happen. Although had he been a little more responsible, and long tied up the loose ends and let all move along with our lives, his son and woman he could have legalised as his wife not keep her hanging as his mistress (and keep me hanging as wife), I am open to keeping the ties open, to remain friends. So it didn't work out for us as man and wife, perhaps we could remain just friends who once had children together.

Am I am dreamer with no grasp whatsoever on reality? I think I am more than a realist as time goes by. But my dreams help me work harder to find the way forward. My dreams keeps my heart alive despite all the insanity that surrounds it. My dreams harbour hope for better tomorrows and good lives for my girls.

I suppose my subconscience wants Jacob and me to come to middle common ground. I want him to be responsible and be a father to his girls in what manner and way he might be able to show that with his limited time with them.

He cannot think that just because he has found himself another womb to host his seed to grow into children, I might as easily find a man who might be father to my girls. The reality of things is men are not as willing to take on the role of fathering another man's child as much as there are women more than willing be wombs to a already married man. The odds are against me from many aspects in find one such man with a big enough heart to want to love me and my girls as his own.

Plus I simply hate to think that in finding myself a man, I'd be burdening him with what is really Jacob's responsibility. If Jacob can be responsible towards their son, what stops him from being equally so with our daughters? Why all the divisions and segregation and difference in how one woman's child(ren) and my children are loved?

Like I said before why can't Indian men see the difference? That the children are not to be made the victims of their dispute with estranged wife. And why can't they have more guts and balls to make decisions for their children. How is it that someone else gets to count the pennies that your children should get? For that I totally hate Indian men. They are badly brought up by their mothers all of them. Spoilt, obnoxious and totally irresponsible in dealing with problems like adults.

I have to say chinamen in that sense even if they are all round bastards, but their children they look after. In most cases they ensure that for their children's education they make allowances. Indian men are first class bastards there and they also seem to lose their brains the moment they walk out of their wife and kids. Malay men well there are both kinds. No wonder you say Indian women have an attitude - we do. Our men teach us to have attitudes because without it, we will crumble and die and who then will look out for our children?

I come to conclude that perhaps the dream was merely my subconscience speaking to me at what I am able to accept moving forward once all things are settled because holding grudges is detrimental to my own. But the reality is Jacob is not man enough to stand up and be a father. Sad but true.

And so such dreams merely go to remind me that in this journey I haul ass as mom and dad and with the way the odds are, I will do this alone till my final breath.

Life ... the journey's made by us so then I choose to make it a good one despite the turbulence in the past, and the uncertain of the future ... it is here and now. We live it to the best of our principles and values.

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