I woke up later than usual this morning from laying flat on my bed starring at the ceiling. My mind was whirling with so many thoughts and ideas. Fears and concerns probably outweighed anything positive.
It was the 1st of the month, and technically I am already broke having paid all the 'necessity debts' if ever there was such a term in economics. But it seems that with how things are today here at home and globally, this probably is a term that would fit right in.
I am also tired. Tired of reading and reading and cross reading and these endless discourses where exchange of words and ideas and formulation of thoughts takes place and to no specific result. Of course at the very instance my brain thought lengthy discourse, it triggered that there exists a single word for the same and so this morning I found it Diatribe.
Now by archaic terminology this merely meant long unending discourse but Dictionary.com has a slightly different view and words like abusive, criticism all come into explaining this word further. The official explanation is below.
Word History: Listening to a lengthy diatribe may seem like a waste of time, an attitude for which there is some etymological justification. The Greek word diatribē, the ultimate source of our word, is derived from the verb diatrībein, made up of the prefix dia-, "completely," and trībein, "to rub," "to wear away, spend, or waste time," "to be busy." The verb diatrībein meant "to rub hard," "to spend or waste time," and the noun diatribē meant "wearing away of time, amusement, serious occupation, study," as well as "discourse, short ethical treatise or lecture, debate, argument." It is the serious occupation of time in discourse, lecture, and debate that gave us the first use of diatribe recorded in English (1581), in the now archaic sense "discourse, critical dissertation." The critical element of this kind of diatribe must often have been uppermost, explaining the origin of the current sense of diatribe, "a bitter criticism."
And then minutes later, I saw a response to a comment of mine on a friend's blog. I read it. Re-read it a couple of times and digested the content. Pushed away from the laptop and looked out of my window. This seems to be a recurring theme in my existence. A number of thoughts were running through my head again.
Instinctively, I'd wanted to try to explain myself hopefully with a little more clarity. But then upon consideration I figured in typical .ani fashion 'fook it'. Not because I was upset with what was written in response to me. If one chooses to enter into discourse of any kind on any subject, one must be prepared to take the viewpoints of others. I see where my friend is coming from. And he is not wrong in wanting these things. Hell we all want it.
What upset me was me,myself and I. I broke my own cardinal rule which is to not discuss Sex, Religion and Politics. Only God knows what I was and am thinking to have even ventured to discuss any of these. *sigh* I think it's time to tell myself STFU .ani
It would seem that .ani is constantly upset with .ani on any given day. Being the least vocal, least dissenting, least trouble gray hair inducing sibling - not out of the fact that I am any of these willingly, but out of conditioning, I've always withheld speaking out.
Suddenly as I turned 30, I found that despite my best intentions to pass through this life without agitating anyone's sensitive disposition, I found that this next decade was to be one of my most challenging.
The problem now lay in me grappling with the me I'd kept in check for 3 decades. Silenced by choice, I was now bursting with a need to speak up. And in wanting to do so, often the words spill out clearly incoherent to anyone even to myself sometimes. In my mind, I know exactly why I am thinking this. But when I have to explain it to someone else - it starts to fall apart.
In the last few weeks I have been looking into myself, and I am extremely restless. I feel like I am on the brink of something but I am not sure what it is. This restlessness kicked off July last year and one year later I am it seems at the same point I was last year.
And yet, my sister tells me I have come so far from who I was before. Maybe it was this false bravado that made me think I could say anything of any sense. I have just had to acknowledge to myself, I was wrong. Bitter pill no doubt to swallow, having to admit to oneself that one was wrong. But looking back in the last 7 years, I've had to learn to swallow a lot of bitter pills. I'm accustomed to it now.
I could just as easily say that all the is currently happening is of no consequence to me. And that would be total hogwash, because albeit I am an insignificant feature in the grander scheme of things, I feature no less. I am constantly worried about the policies in this country and how the effects trickle down to me. I am concerned about the future of THE only place I call home.
And all of this I am worried about because I have Ashna and Kasha. If it were about me alone, I'd say fook it. Nothing's bloody going to change anyhow. Whoever is in power, is going to just safeguard their own little posse of boot lickers. I don't feature in there, and by the time I am 60, likely I'll be dead. But jeepers, I want a better Malaysia for my girls. I mean if they don't settle anywhere else (not like anywhere else is a better place either) then this is home to them and their generations. I want to see something promising for them.
How does this happen? It's not apathy. It's not lacking of convictions or perspectives, but rather mine does not fit anyone else nor do theirs fit mine. What my ultimate goal is differs from the next person. I am not above being to a degree 'self-centered' for my own comfortable existence.
The current high drama of AI bores me to death actually. It be so much easier if he just came out and said I'm a swing door, accept my sexual preferences for what they are and I am still the better man to lead this country - perhaps I could feel some faith in him. For now I don't.
Do I think current powers that be are bothered to raise the status of everyone to equal? Fook No! Am not disillusioned about their track record either.
On a personal level, I really don't care what or who get what and and which piece of the pie. I thought I was beginning to get a hold of my future but I feel am spiraling down again into a dismal abyss. And I hate myself for not having answers. For not having a well plotted out plan to execute whatever the outcome of whatever Macro factors that effects my Micro existence.
I am tired of the diatribe of all things about this country and the shitty situation it is in now. Is there a point if I blame BN. Or I blame PR for not winning the bloody elections and giving Malaysia 5 years of so called fresh air?? IS there a fooking point blaming anyone? Nope.
I started blogging to get away from the depressing obvious. And I guess I shall return to it in that frame of mind. Let whatever is happening happen and work itself out. It is my business what happens, but for now I am fed up. Muak sampai nak muntah darah! I need to create a little Utopia in my chaos.
~.ani will catch up with this later ... Mid week YAY!!~