Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

22 July 2008

Sixth Sensed To Obscurity Jul 22, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, in the midst of preparing for a meeting with my customers, I got called by the boss's PA who said I was needed immediately for a demo. I skeltered over to the other office boardroom. For some reason, I'd felt the precursory doom of what was to follow.

Anyhow it turns out it was a product demo by an American solution provider (hmmm am wondering if solution provider is aptly used here or not) on a productivity monitoring tool. Ok no more precursory doom - it was inevitable doom.

As the demo progressed, I sat there thinking knowing how my organisation works having been here as long as the worn out carpeting on the floors, this was not specifically going to be used in the context these American blokes were selling to us. And joy of joy ... I got to be one of the first guinea pigs and my one pain in the arse project that no matter what we do just doesn't get off the ground were to be the part of the pilot testing ... SUPER!

As it is, over the past months, I've really gotten pretty sick of working in this line of work. And it's been such a freaking chore to wake up every morning drive that 100kms to work what with the increase in petrol recently, the ever increasing financial quicksand I seem to have fallen into ... I pretty much HATE MY JOB! and this is extremely dangerous. I have never hated my job in the past no matter what or how bad it got but this time I really really really hate my job!

I find absolutely nothing inspiring enough to bother to drag myself to work. And I think this largely has something to do also with the fact I am struggling with costs of living on my ever so under market value salary and I find out my colleagues are being paid at least 2k more ... WTF man! So the last time the big boss in his over dramatic manner yelled at me for not wrapping up this project, I wasn't even bothered to feel bad anymore - why should I fooking feel bad man!

It's not like they don't know what the hell is going on but that's how management is, ... if there's ever a problem blame the fooking subordinates for incompetency despite the million obstacles these people have to battle to get where we are today ... so as he yelled and ranted and raved and pretty much tore my integrity to shits, I was thinking in my head - I'm here only because I feel I owe my client this much to deliver this blasted mess that I've had to pick and clean and reconstruct from scratch ... given I've had it 18mths, but sometimes even our best intentions are hijacked when people you count on in the team just up and leave with unfinished business.

IT development type projects are heavily dependent on the IT type people i.e Business Analysts, System Analysts and Solution Architects and DBAs and developers - if these people have no clue what they are doing, all my customer relationship management and screaming about deadlines is NOT going to create miracles - and have I taken a shit beating in this project with all sorts of drama kings and queens who just up and disappear without handing over anything properly to anyone ... and so we the remaining battle scarred idealists struggle on. We still believe we can make this happen despite the setbacks ... but no one is backing us up when we need it ... I too have just about thrown the towel in.

I told my team that December 08 we better have rolled out phase 1 of this project and it better be something the client cannot raise changes in anymore nor have we missed out anything in their requirements (that keep changing like the wind blows) otherwise, even though I can ill afford it, I am going to resign because I cannot take the boss ripping me to shreds when others aren't delivering. The team was like .ani don't go la we can do this ... I said please remember, in the bigger picture, .ani is nothing really, it's about you guys coming together and making something happen that nobody believes we can pull off.

More and more I am considering chucking this job and it's microscopic paycheque, ditching the bloody 200km jam infested daily commute, and
  • in the mornings teach at a kindergarten creating information hungry minds that our education system will somehow manage to cull before it fledges too much
  • in the afternoons open a little stall at a strategic spot selling tea time delights
  • in the evenings doing the petrol pump attendant shift
At this rate, I should earn just about enough to make ends meets, never leave Seremban. Sell Charles who is falling apart and becoming more of a liability than a trustworthy set of wheels, jump the ever so inefficient public transport system in Seremban as I move from one job to the other.

The great incentive of all this activity is I'll likely shed weight in a blink, be less stressed out from having to continuously deal with DQs and irresponsible sorry excuses of team members, no more international finger and colourful expletives at the morons on the road who endanger my life - wouldn't that be bliss!

I know you must be thinking .ani has finally officially lost it. But really have I? I find so many people out there the salaried educated professionals all reaching a point of saturation in their current profiles. People are tired out from legalised slavery to paycheques and fear of unemployment that they keep doing things even though they've long lost the passion and the drive.

I have for sure lost that passion and drive for this corporate raiding world. I would give anything to spend a little time developing my writing, because I know God gave me quite a talent and way with words, I am sure I can do something with this that gives me heart such joy and satisfaction.

Where was I? Oh yes the demo ... at the end of the demo, I figured soon enough we were going to be finding the effects of the so called 'data' that was reported .... and mind you it works 24x7 even on weekends when I'm on the PC doing my own thing (albeit on company laptop - my bad!)

So come Monday morning, so many websites are now blocked ... which makes me think I should keep going to websites that are deemed inappropriate ... porn surfers have been cured of their disease now ... hahaha. Who I chatted to on YM, Skype, which sites I went to, what screens I viewed, what forums and where I posted comments, how many documents and spreadsheets I worked on and how many keystrokes on these and over what duration - oooooooooo is there a law somewhere that says this is a bit much on the privacy thing? It even tells them I visited citibank.com.my, I went to login, I went to view my statements, I went to make a payment ... I wonder if they see anything else I don't want them seeing ... EEKS! I feel naked now!

And so my online life is now monitored and barred at every turn. Gmail takes forever to load. Yahoo mail is stuck unable to view ... Facebook is the latest victim, no messengers at all, and sometimes when a PM wants to bloody kill everyone, my last escape is here ... fingers crossed they don't take this away too ... my thread thin sanity might well snap and it won't be a pretty sight!

According to the sensors, I've been on firefox approximately forever - hahahaa I don't give a fook really bite me if you must!

p/s: if your management mentions 6th Sense or any other productivity measures - be warned, your net days are on Death Row! I'm all for productivity but I don't think managements use it just for that, anyways ... can't complain too much, am just a salary slave - best for now shut up and do what they tell me to, till I can start living it my way ...

1 comment:

Life's Like That said...

I guess you must be feeling exactly like my fren Y whomI wrote abt in my blog. Personally, I think there are millions out there who feels the same way.

I really think u shd be looking for a new job. If u feel that way abt yr current job, there is no way u can excel in it, no matter what happens. Plus commuting 200+kms a day? I take my hats off to u girl!