Just All Tuckered Out!!! ... May 21, 2009

When I saw this picture - it immediately felt like the reflection of how I am feeling at the moment about my life and me.

It seems the endless trips to the doctor for medication to fight off the flu, the cough, the sore throat and the endless tiring days of being where I really no longer wish to be has finally taken it's toll.

Can you imagine me all bloody tuckered out. Sometimes I feel like my heart is just going to stop beating and I am going to die quite suddenly in mid-step of doing something.

7 years of dragging divorce. All the work stress. The 300,000 km I have driven. The countless people issues. The endless reanalysing of who I am and what am I doing that's wrong and causing the wrongs in my life. I am tired out from trying to freaking get this art of living right.

Lately with the freaking endless mind games at the office. You're in you're out oh for fook sakes bloody decide what you all want. I've grown sick from caring what people have plotted for me. And amazingly every day when it's time to get to office, I am ill. But I drag myself there because, I have bills to pay, food to put on the table.

Had I not had responsibilities, perhaps it might be easier to say Fuck Off and just go live like a hermit some place away from all this venom spewing bile creating people. What I'd give to be this toad in his little green lily pad in some pond. Although the camera that caught this really caught an interesting expression of the frog. I wonder was he hurt? Did he fall short of a perfect landing? What is the story behind this moment.

It's almost the weekend. Having said that weekends are just as tiring with endless things to do. Got to admit, single parenting is no walk in the park. Sometimes, I wish I had someone here to help me out a bit. So that I might catch my breath again. This hyperdrive .ani is burning out. I can hear my body telling me that, but someone stole the brakes. There's only DRIVE in this car ... and so it keeps driving I suppose until everything falls apart.

Perhaps the only consolation is that when everything just falls apart, I might still be alive to perhaps take that quick gasp of air before I am expected to jump right back into the driver's seat and start driving all over again.

I am crawling into the weekend almost literally if not figuratively. To close my eyes, and hear nothing for a few short moments none of those unspoken expectations of everyone around me to be superhuman, to do it right, to give in to their needs, to completely stop living for me and just be some form that makes their expectations realities.

I wonder if me taking a pass and heading off the beaten track might give me back some of the spirit I seem to be losing under layers of worry.

I do look like this frog right about now ... clutching my heart about to collapse ... anyone got any ideas how to feel alive again??? I miss the old me so much ... where'd I go?