Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

10 May 2009

Mom's Day ... May 10, 2009

Well the plan had been an outstation trip, me and the girls, mom and sis ... but ended up I got sick while in court the other day which then went from just a burning fever to insanely crazy BP readings, loss of voice, bloody cough that was a reaction to drippy sinuses. All in all I think it was my body telling me to get some rest. It's been hard weeks lately.

So while mom and sis pushed off mid-morning yesterday, I took a long hot shower and walked around in a sort of a haze since my BP was still doing it's little merry jig on the higher end of both readings. After a quick light lunch and some meds and showered both girls I conned them into a curl up with me for an afternoon nap.

Usually this is met with a lot of protests but yesterday, there was a carrot for them. If they took a nap I'd be also a little better to drive them out for their favourite roti canai in the evening as dinner. So everyone slept in the muggy heat where the damn fan on high only managed to stir up more muggy hot humidity.

Came evening, a quick hot tea. Head still a little woozy but a promise is a promise. Took a slow drive to their favourite corner and they happily enjoyed their dinner. No complaints no tantrums. I had a roti pisang myself while watching them and sipping hot lime.

We came home watched a bit of telly together, washed up and headed off to an early night. It was dreamland for the 3 of us by 9:30pm. A late wake up this morning and a slow start to the day since the medications were still making me a little woozy.

Kasha made me a 3 in 1 card - heeheheh typical of her attention span suddenly the mother's day card was also for grandma and aunt.

Ashna has not shown me anything as yet but me thinks she's starting the pre-teen symptoms early. Plus she's more Jacob than me in nature. I'm all open book burst when I'm pissed and cool down real fast and apologize where necessary. She's the simmering plotting kinda - usually Kasha is the victim to the outbursts. Worrying nonetheless, but it's something that I've to patiently work on.

She is the one most traumatised by all that has happened. She's a brilliant kid. And used to be such an extrovert and loving child but all these years and the shock of the 'idol' parent's departure has made her crawl into a shell and for a 9 year old she's one cynical child. I've my job laid out no doubts ahead of me as the teen years come in.

Another Mother's day. I remain quite tickled because I know when I was younger, being a mother never really crossed my mind as something I would someday be. I had much bigger dreams. Much more flambouyant. Needless to say those dreams haven't become realities (haahah I have not given up on some of them just yet!) but motherhood was something I found myself accepting without much despair when I found out I was pregnant for the first time.

It remains a mystery to me how we change to accommodate a new life within us. How we change in our priorities and plans so that this new life may have things we didn't. May live a protected life and well cared for. At times now when I am at wits end trying to stretch ringgits, I realise always unconsciously, I've already made allocations for their needs ahead of mine.

I've one more difficult task ahead amongst the many as time passes by which is to as gently as possible let the girls know that that they have a half brother (for now, maybe more to come) ... same father different mothers. And I am sure they will have their questions. I feel it's best they know the truth not suddenly one day find themselves in a situation where step brother and they are caught unawares. I doubt the boy there will ever know he has 2 older sisters but I think some things parents need to be honest about.

To be honest I am not looking forward to having to break this to the girls. But better now then when they are older and more likely to be devastated then if I lay it out now and they have time to get used to the idea of another sibling albeit half brother, because then as they mature it allows them to decide what to do or how to address the matter. It is not for me to decide how they wish view this extension of them. Mine is to not hide the fact because children can be unforgiving when they know they have been lied to even if we adults think its in their best interest. So before the matter becomes an iceberg, perhaps whilst the pond is freezing over and ice is thin, this matter should be addressed.

But I think I can still dally on this. Let me enjoy the slow passing of another Mother's Day as I impress upon my memories these fleeting moments before my girls are themselves young women.

Happy and Blessed Mother's Day to all

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