Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

13 March 2009

Friday The 13th ... Mar 13, 2009

You know how everyone goes Friday the 13th - alamak ... well ... according to this wiki link ... this superstition only came about in the 19th century ... (link).

Then there was of course the Horror Movies of the 80's with the first of that 12 servings being Friday the 13th ... which subsequently went on to become a franchise and if not mistaken there was a remake of the movie in 2004.

With such a serving of madness, one wonders what the cinema goers of that time were looking for going for each sequel with an almost religious commitment.

Well today was the 2nd Friday the 13th that 2009 holds. One more to go ... :))

And after dropping the kids off at school, I was driving up to KL. Barely 5mins on the highway, I was crawling. A quick call to the Traffic Updates told me that there was an accident at KM269.5 in a bus and 3 cars ... stay on the middle lane ... well 45mins later I passed the accident site which was about 3km from the time I made my call.

It was pissing hard down on the highway and then I saw out of the corner of my eye, a familiar yellow Gen-2 driving on the emergency lane. I smiled. It seemed to be an omen seeing this car after many many months. Soon after, I was speeding along as fast as I could given the rain and all. Screeched into the first available parking lot at the Duta Court Complex, grabbed my bag and umbrella and headed off for what was the very first time my divorce matter went on after so many years of waiting.

When I walked into the court, there he was with her and her sister (the now identified antagonist all these 6 years) and I had all the way driving known that I would see them 3 there and I was again going alone. I had wondered if I would be alright - you know me, I tend to have the strangest emo moments when I least expect it.

But I guess the years have let all water pass under this bridge long time ago. Then it went on to negotiations ... and I swear that's the only time I ever feel like wanting to scream at him. But what results would that derive ... so negotiate we did ... back and forth, back and forth, and his indecisiveness throughout like he couldn't make a firm decision for our girls without first consulting others made me see him in new eyes ... I felt sorry for him.

A strange thing you might think. Here sits before me the man I trusted my life with, had his children, and then he uptailed and left me hanging around waiting waiting waiting for him to do good by his daughters. For 6+ years I've waited.

The anger the hatred the bile I felt has all evaporated a long time ago. Even seeing them together did not stab at my heart like I thought it might some years ago when thinking of the end. But here I sat across him flitting from irritation and feeling sorry for him. Sorry because I felt he'd sold his soul some time ago and the buyer was not one easily appeased.

Eventually we came to a settlement. Not before more drama when we went back into the courtroom. I really had to feel incredulous. Here was a couple for all intent and purposes within the Malaysian context in an extra-marital affair and with a son out of wedlock and they wanted to bicker about what is already stipulated in the Law. And to an extent they seemed to say go ahead to full trial with I am not sure if false bravado or not ... I was fine to go to trial if need be - that was always the last option. I thought he'd know that, there's nothing for me to feel ashamed of - marriages fall apart. Point to note : he left me with our kids, she stole a married man, they have a child now. But people do what they feel is right.

And today, at the end of all this negotiations and unwanted stress, the presiding judge consented to granting divorce. The decree absolut will be out in some months and for now I am technically unofficially divorced. That paperwork is going to something I look forward to getting in my hand. It's a closure for a pain that dragged on too long. I long ago said ok, just do it right by the girls.

I don't think I got what the girls really deserve, but I know I tried my best for their futures. And to me their futures are the most important. Marriages happen. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. But what matters is we tried our best. Perhaps both he and I did not do our best in our marriage. Hopefully in his current relationship, he does better. Even if he doesn't, it doesn't matter to me - and that's just an awesome feeling to acknowledge.

Like my friend Preetha said, I was there on your wedding day and I am here today when you are granted your divorce. We have gone a full circle. Take time ani, heal, look after your health and be happy. And I think she's got a point. I'm going to take it easy and reassess my life and plan for the future. This is an end to a marriage that wasn't working out. But it's also a start for new things.

One small step at a time ... like baby steps we move into the future with fresh excitement of what awaits us ....

To Jacob, Siew San and son - all the best. Like I told ya long time ago, go forth and be happy.

What might have started out a drabby rainy day, ended for me with a smile and a new found sense of relief that finally this is one chapter we can depart from. He has new ones to write in his book of life, and so do I ... mine's always colourful, full of love and rollercoaster rides .... best kind of book don't you think?

It now seems I have to stop being chicken and go get that tattoo finally .... anyone care to keep me company while I make a fool of myself sweating buckets and wincing in pain???? But this is .ani going forth!

Mission Control to everyone, Happy Weekending :))))))


nanda666 said...

I guess you really must have gone through sooooo much....hang in there, sista......
For me, marriage is just the beginning and the ride is a rollercoaster.....the trick is the to stay on til the end of the ride...

Hope I can count on you for sound advice when needed!! :)

akuani said...

It has been one long painful trip this but it's over ... now for the fun bits of the rollercoaster ... :)))

And Nanda ... you can bet I'll give you sound advice kih kih kih and if that don't work - I'll kick it into you :))))) you can always depend on that :))

Anba said...

Hi akka...
one thing for sure from that marriage..
you have 2 precious daughters to carry forward your future with...

akuani said...

Anba ... hands down you got the winning point there :)) - they be my angels and brats all rolled into one :))

Life's going to be a whole load of rocking and rolling, catfights and loving ;) ... dang it I almost sound like a country song kih kih kih ...

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

i've said it and i'm gonna say it again; CONGRATS! i'm with anba, you've got your 2 precious gems with you, you aint losing anything akka.

Jason Voorhees


akuani said...

Kerpie ... muaks Thambi! I know I can always count on you being in my cheer squad :))

Now I wonder if Shanghai will stop visiting my blog from now on ... hehehehe - there's nothing interesting for him or Cheras to visit here for anymore :))

**waves to Jacob and Sia - is my writing so compelling to keep visiting my blog??**

Kerpie babe ... when we going to arm wrestle AD into our get together-gether and makan makan again la wei??

Nanda: you must come and bring wifey along so we can meet the irish connection :))

Stone Elephant Thambi heehehh you must come again ya ... and we must do kaathu paandi in Lawan Kuda - haahah imagine all the reasons to celebrate to the max now **kihkihkih**

Love you fellows big time man ... awesome mausam friends!

Anba said...

Any time big sis....