Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

12 March 2009

9 And Counting ... Mar 12, 2009

I am simply stunned .... my elder girl is 9. Jeepers time is just flying by .... at times makes me feel like I'm so freaking ancient myself and yet at other times, I feel like a child myself - ehheehhehe must be age!!

After she'd gone to sleep last night, and while I coughed myself to death thanks to damn lung polluting air ... I went through the whole pregnancy and delivery and henceforth through my mind ... I think perhaps other mothers might understand this strange trip down memory lane even as our children grow and fledge their wings, we cannot but remember the various emotions we went through from learning we have a life inside us growing, the 40 weeks of ups and downs and finally their arrivals ... at no point is it really a walk in the park for there are always challenges in bringing forth that new life safely into the world.

Although the memories of Ashna's journey into this world and subsequently Kasha's arrival does often leave me with an undescribable pain in my heart when it comes to memories of their co-creator who has not featured in our lives for what is now going into year 7 of a very very long separation and long pending divorce, the joy of having them both in my life makes that pain seem just a distant throb now and in time I know it will no longer be there - just a matter of tying loose ends up and moving along.

The one stark memory that cracks me up till this day is when Jacob fainted from all the blood and the size of the epidural needle that the dr was trying to get into my lower spine. Now those close to me would know how as he fainted as I had been bending forward holding on to him, I ended up stretching almost falling off the bed trying to avoid him hitting his head against the cabinets and having a concussion - now that would have been additional unwanted drama ... I used to laugh about it often - had it been recorded, it was rather comical ... I mean I was the one with a god damn needle being inserted in my spine at the height of labour pain and guess who ended up needing attention ... the world is a strange place.

But one stark reminder of that incident has been the pain I have had to live with for the last 9 years which intensified during the time I was pregnant with Kasha and post her delivery when I had my back stuck for a week ...

In 2004 I was diagnosed with a displaced disc. In 2008 after the MRI it has been found that my L5 is detached from the spinal column and hence it's a matter of living with the pain and making sure I don't aggravate it too much till it ends up needing spinal surgery or worse causing paralysis.

Now that bit of information did not bring me any joy - because I need to be mobile, I need to be working for a long long long time to see my girls through education and life. I sometimes wonder if in letting Jacob fall and crack his head instead of strecthing to break his fall and instead put myself at risk with a needle partially in my back would have been a better option. That moment of compassion and concern could likely be the point and source of this injury that I have to live with. Didn't want the father of my child to be unconscious at the time of her arrival ... but did I compromise my own health for his? Not like if I end up paralysed in the near future, he is going to be coming forward, you know what I mean ... Oh well, too late now. It's a done deal.

One gets creative in dealing with such physical pain. And you've got ice packs, hot packs, physio if you can afford it, yoga even if again you can afford such luxuries. Over the years sitting in 'painless' postures has caused the onset of spondylosis to my neck which in turn is now more pain management - kih kih kih ... I feel like if I could go out and buy new parts and do a complete overhaul I will.

And over the years from not being able to be active, weight has packed on again (rather unceremoniously) and that's now caused me degenerative knees. After that complete ortho visit which burnt a hole in my pocket because I could not ignore the pain anymore, I woke up with the decision that I gotta get my life back in control. I've to live till I'm 75 or more :))

I have for the longest time been on some sorta kamikaze suicide mission to just survive. And I have stopped living. Ask me how to survive, I can tell you a million ways to do it, but ask me have you been living ani - I'd be hard pressed to give you even an instance where I felt truly alive. Good books, and very grounding conversations with people who love me have made me see, I've got to start taking time to look after me if I plan to execute all these grand plans I have for me and the girls ... no use having plans and not being there on hand to execute them.

That's where my kids come into play. They are my reminders that I have to live a fulfilling life in order to give them fulfilling lives too ... I am their role model, their mom and their dad. That awakening within myself has made me revisit certain things in my life and also on-goingly revisit other elements of my life and try to find ways to make it better.

Ashna is 9 today. No more squalling baby in diapers. In 9 more years she'll be spreading wings and heading off to college. I have 9 more years to build the best memories of her childhood she can look back on and feel it's been a life well lived so far. Am not sure if I'm going to get that plan right but I sure as hell am going to try.

Afterall as mommy, I'm 'supergirl' in my 2 angels' eyes ... that's superhero enough for me eheheheheh and may I live up to it always ...

Happy Birthday Ash ... you're a great kid hands down, mommy's cheering for you pompoms, placards and foghorn too :)))) and it's just the 3 of us girls into the future that's so bright we gotta put on our shades!!! :))

1 comment:

Anba said...

Hi Akka...
Send my birthday wishes to your Daughter...
Funny how way things evolve...