A Wedding's Obituary, Oct 31, 2008

My Lord! 10 years has past ...

It's still like only yesterday, the bustle of preparations, the funny extremely long entourage stop at the PETRONAS station to fill the empty tank to get to church. The perfect timing of the power cut just as the priest pronounced us Husband and Wife before family and friends from near and far.

I remember how you held my hand so tight as we walked out of the church beaming albeit sweat trickling down the hot humid Saturday afternoon. And the entrance to the reception and your very nervous speech. And how you looked at me and said "So we are married" and I said yes in that typical way of mine.

I have to say that in those early days, I used to spend some time thinking how I'd mark the milestones of our wedded years and family life and the big one I looked forward to was well our first decade to be surrounded by our children, and families and close friends to renew our vows and commitment to each other for another life time of togetherness.

But even back then, I cannot remember you sharing the same hopes and aspirations. I cannot remember a time that you gave me confidence we'd overcome together - together being the operative word. Small hiccups yes common, fights and arguments all part and parcel of finding our mutual rhythm ...

And so here we are, you're quite happy with Sia and son, perhaps contemplating more additions to your new growing family. And me here, pensively waiting for a piece of paper that ends this farce and for some hope that you might be at least made responsible to your daughters by some act of law ... although my faith in the Malaysian judiciary is less optimistic.

Looking back though, as hellish as the ride has been, I've been getting better and stronger. I look back now with little or any ill feelings, I analyse what perhaps were the weak points, and I introspect about how I am going to just keep getting better. Like someone recently said, you can't keep a good person down for too long ... and I believe I am a good person, not perfect but my heart's in the right place - you might beg to differ but well that's what adds to the spice of living.

A guy friend of the family from the past who in recent times has reconnected with us, is going through somewhat a similar brouhaha with his wife. And as I listen to his side of the story and there's always 2 sides I admit, I feel often times reduced to asking out loud WTF is this all about.

He has set her up with her own little enterprising business before throwing himself into building his. He'd given her a close to 400k house and spanking new continental car. She had pocket money that equalled my salary to spend on herself only ... as he was venting his frustration at her I want a divorce but let's remain friends and maybe we could remarry theory, I laughed out loud sometimes ... both in disbelief and to an extent heartbreak.

In my shoes, I'd never dream of such things from you. Even to have you give the place we called home to our daughters as collateral for their future is like pulling your nails out with pliers. A car??? A house?? POCKETMONEY????????? I have to stop giggling now .... your head would bust if this idea was ever introduced with me as the benefactor ... am sure it's different now with her. Thist was when we were together, what more now that we lead separate lives ... you give me allowances? I think I heard a gasp of disbelief.

This friend still is giving the pocketmoney until the decree is out after which anything and everything related to his child he bears no questions asked - "she's my daughter, it's my duty" are his words. And again I choke ... God Jacob, why can't you just be a fraction of this dude??? Anyhows, can't ask for the impossible.

So today, a milestone to those vows we exchanged of together in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for ever and ever until death do us part ... well this morning, once I parked at work, I took out a mish mashed purple thread ... yes Jacob, I still had the 7 threads with which you tied my minnu on my neck proclaiming to all that with that you would undertake to care and love and protect me. The minnu, the rings sit in a box as I plan how to address them ... I lit the lighter and I watched the silk threads catch flame and turn to dust just like all those empty promises you made 15 years ago, and all those meaningless vows you made 10 years today.

And I declare today that am officially free of this irrational pain of the burden of marriage. Today I burnt the 'corpse' of that wedding. Today I bury the lie of the 'husband' I have on paper. Today onwards Jacob, you are to me "dead" and like the ashes of the threads blown in all directions far far away from me. There will not be any memorial service for this death, there will not be anniversaries to this death ... once and for all, it is over because I choose that it ends now this moment on.

Let the courts and the lawyers meet this 10th December and do what they do best since your walk-out from that meeting on 20th August with 'see you in court' war cry ... I suppose best let things take its due course. Perhaps another 10 years might pass before everything is nicely wrapped up and handed to me in a decree absolut but from today, 31st October will ONLY be about Halloween and a day for me to find a reason and excuse to have a good time on my own or in good company of people who mean something to me.

Happy Halloween to all and may the spooks and skeletons from your closets not overshine the necessity of living one's life to the fullest, because really we owe it to ourselves to be happy every moment we have.

Generation WE ... Oct 26, 2008

This is America's youth coming out and deciding their future ... will Malaysian youngsters ever feel the same passion to inherit a better tomorrow of equality amongst races. I dunno.

Probably if we tried to make such a movement of youth, we'd be caught and thrown behind bars by the powers that be for attacking the rights of the Malays ... ISA would be freely used to suppress the voice of change and reason I am sure ...

But we too as a nation, must come together to speak out for what is the only way forward. Too much water under the bridge for too long, and the cracks are showing. Come together as one people for a collective better tomorrow.

Wishing all a Happy Diwali and safety journeys.

akuani Revealed ... You Think? Oct 20, 2008

My blogger buddy Kerp tagged me It on his blog and so here's me trying to write about me in 15 points so that you get to know me better - hahahaha whyeverfor? I dunno - you got time to kill perhaps :)

Also this was written over a year ago, edited a bit here and there for this particular post ... read on if you want to ... try not to snore on me blog please - tan-jew-berry-much!

#01: I am Ms. George becoz that's my dad's name *like duh!!!* I could be also Ms. Jorge, Ms. Georgg, Ms. GeeVarghese you get my drift :)) but am Ms. George, even when the spouse was around, never ever called me self Mrs so-and-so .... I like my identity just fine as it is.

#02: Formerly called the .ani virus, now rehabilitated and reformed ... if people don't like this me - too bad, I don't care really, my world is still spinning on its own axis (did I sound obnoxious there??? ahha bite me!)

#03: I am learning to enjoy my singlehood and the freedom it comes with to do just about whatever I dang please without the need to be answerable to parents and (in)significant others nor stealth in my choices - don't be envious - it comes with a price :)) although the down side to this is the acute sense of loneliness and frustration that attacks when things go haywire all at once. And the fact is, am still a 7 year old in my parents eyes - hence no escape to answerableness - working on it though ...

#04: Mommy to Hannah Ashna and Reanna Kasha my BratAngels ... without them life would be very different and very likely meaningless hence I am blessed that God saw it befitting that I be their mommy. As much as they drive me nuts and add streaks of gray ... they give me smiles, hugs and love that warms my heart forever more

#05: I'm allergic to words that the lexical resourceful use for what they deem to be my non-existent "popularity" - keep them away from me ... I rather be called a loudmouth and disliked for my honesty than candy floss popular

#06: I live in the land we market globally as Truly Asia - 3 guesses! If you flunk please come out of the cave you've been in and check out what's happened to the world around you since ... Oh wait a minute. we 'market' being the operative word - great for overseas adverts which are fully of toothy smiling 'Malaysians' but the reality is just the opposite! The current 'gomen' have done a great job of segregating everyone ... I learnt this back in form 2 Civics/Tatrakyat - the word - polarisasi perkauman which we seem to be really happy maintaining till this day ... because we tolerate other races - ahahahahahha damn fookers screwed up a great country!

#07: I am an independent opinionated and hard knocks survivor ... takes a lot from you to piss me off and when you do get worried when I start to smile

#08: I am MOST lethal and dangerous when my smile is unwavering it means you have pissed me off good and proper ... for your own self preservation my advice to you is "GET THE FOOKING HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!!! (added on 211008) When someone is phreaking fooking yelling at me for no obvious reason or taking potshots at me, I rarely say anything. I either remain expressionless or I might look all red in the face and about to flood the room - don't ever take that as a sign of weakness .... It merely means I'm imploding and your fooking face has just been saved a nasty collision with my silver ringed fingers ... exploding is so what you fookers want, I won't give it to you!

#09: I enjoy the fact I can interact with anyone with such ease like slipping into your favourite pair of flip flops :)) ... which doesn't mean I treat you like a flip flop ok just quickly comfortable :) ... there's a difference here.

#10: I am basically a WYSIWYG kinda girl and I swear till the sailors blush in any navy :) - so if you can deal with it great, if you can't step aside please! :)

#11: I have 18 years of working experience under my belt and I have done almost everything there is to do but have been focusing on Project Management the last 8 years. Although have been very seriously thinking to quit all this dog-eat-dog apple polishing back-stabbing madness and retreating to some old time farming or animal husbandry ... away from the quabbles of the money crazed maniacs who give me ulcers and unwanted stress. Let them fookers kill each other off, me .... I want to live ripe and old and enjoy the journey of living!

#12: A Mongrel by breed it seems to the eyes of the puritanical - Keralite+Jaffenese+Chinese. My take on this is I am built to survive unlike pure breeds that succumb to minor irritants ... I have always pulled through, picked myself up, dusted off and continued forward head held high. This wonderful diversity of ancestry has made me extremely appreciative of the diversity of the planet I live on. Her people might irk me sometimes but in most instances, my breath is simply taken away by the beauty of living

#13: I aspire to someday write something worthy of ink to paper lining bookstores around the world and my own little reading parties ... far from achieving these but dreams are meant to be dreamt and aspired towards ... for now I potter abouts with my blog and poetry ... building the nerve to sit down and actually begin that masterpiece in the waiting.

#14: Truly Blessed! Is how I feel whenever the humanity and compassion of people I know is showered upon me and my family. We were always almost outsiders everywhere, but today my extended 'family' of friends and friends of friends and reminds me constantly that in every turmoil, a lesson is learnt, a new friend found and it's in the willingness to see others as we would others see us that creates unbreakable bonds that carries us through our tough times. If there's 2 people in this world I know would give their lives for me without a pause they are my siblings Thamby and Babs - I love them loads loads loads (you get the picture) even if we can't always agree, another blessing from Big G in the Sky to me :)

#15: I wear my heart on my sleeve, some people take me for a sucker, but I have a theory about the myriad of folks that traverse through my life ... there are travellers, there are tourists, there are migrants and then there are the settlers ... I like them all but my favourite kind are the settlers who have made a home in my heart ... near or far they're always here in my heart :)

Kerpie darling - I pulled this together fer ya ... dunno if any of this makes any sense to anyone ... but if you know .ani, then I guess you'd know what I mean ...

I don't think I know anyone who'd read me blog and then Be It~ed :) ... but if you think you got the guts to try and talk about yourself in 15 honest points to a general mass of either travellers or tourists ... take a shot at it and say I'm It :)

~.ani says to say ... happy Monday and week ahead~

Slivers of Sunshine Amid Gloom, Oct 17, 2008

Sliver #1 : Petrol Price down by another 15sen, now at RM2.30/liter - cause for more joy, I can now have 1 roti sardin and 1 milo ais - talk about luxury living!! I mean a certain premier in waiting wife is rumoured to have spent RM500k for per piece for 14 Rolex watches - how many tentacles does this woman have she needs that many watches??? Even Octopuses have only 8 ... yikes Medusa Revelation you think???? So me being able to afford me luxury breakfast is reason to celebrate.

Let's see now ... the past weeks since my return from Italy have been only what one can describe as living hell - mostly if not in totality related to work and the bossman I work for. He's in a constant PMS state of affairs due to all the negative factors enveloping our country, our economy and well closer to home our company's bread and butter.

And yes, it's his company, he's allowed to vent and rant and whatever else ... but when you start being nasty to people who work for you and start lumping everyone into the same category of those who screw up and fook on off without a care - then it's starting to cross the line. And this week, bossman did an amazing job with me. He killed all the loyalty I've had for the company and for him over the years even when I was outside the organisation, I only sang praises of the stuff 'we' could do. If someone had a business interest and if I could, I'd sell bossman to the fooking max man - stupid loyal dog that I am.

Well I also learnt this week, that loyalty is an archaic trait to possess.

Nobody gives a fooking shit about loyalty these days. I learnt that in my marriage. That contract presumes that both parties remain explicitly loyal to each other - haahahahahha watch me laughing my big fat ass off - we all know where that went or rather continues to drag on with. And in the working world I've learnt countless times this to be true, but I am rather the loyalist, blame it on the genes or whatever but I've to learn this disloyal attitude, it apparently is what works with people these days ... SHEEZ!!

So after this revelation, I'm wondering what the fook am I still doing here, because another important lesson I learnt from all this is when someone feels that they are doing you a favour (well in their minds at least) then it's their right to treat you like crap over and over again and they don't need to feel bad about it, because you owe them that much. Or so it goes ... and being the fooked up salary slave I am trying to stretch me Ringgits as far as it can go - and since I ain't Bumiputra and cannot look forward to ASN, ASB and whatever other fund out there that pays sinful amounts of dividends annually and no deep pockets hubby, lover or sugar daddy in sight, pretty much tells you am fooked to the max here. Can't leave, I need the money, can't stay because someone fooking killed it for me the other day.

So in all that turmoil, I had another few other bits killing me on the side. And one of it being my annual pap smear. Doctor Lady was not happy with how me feminine bits looked up close and personal. So some extra tissue samples, some extra swabbing, some extra bit of everything and some very discomforting medication, I had another 2 weeks of waiting for all those test results to come back. Aside from the visible to Dr. Lady's eye Cervical Erosion (WTF is that especially when those bits of me have not seen no action so long me forgot they bits existed ahahhahahahaha **SIGH**), there were some ulcer like thingamajics ... now being .ani and being the information phreak I am, I had to go read about it ... needless to say, I know what can be done for Cervical Erosion, but these ulcers ... jeepers what in heavens name were they about.

Well for starters, .ani has been told that I do not have the Big C of the Cervix - now if that's not news for rejoicing then I dunno what you sorry souls think is worth rejoicing about. Means this lioness is still alive and kicking for whatever it's worth!! **yipppeeeeee yaa yaa dippity dooooooo** - yup I ain't been done it by the Big C just yet so am happy ... this is Sliver #2 for me :)

I mean nothing they found points to cancer, but the ulcers are still there, and am on some funky monkey type mix of medications (if you see me with a moustache next time please don't laugh). Dr Lady says, this could be due to extreme stress - Now You Don't Say (gives evil eye to bossman who is the perenial cause of me extreme stress and fluctuating BP) and hopefully with these long course of medications, things clear up and she tells me, ease up on the stress girl you're just 37 (ahahhahaha I nod very earnestly at this while thinking how I wish it was as easily accomplished as said!).

Dr Lady also tell me that such ulcers and possible future infections could cause severe harm to my baby should I get pregnant (AIIYOOOOOOOOOOOO does my lack of a sex life need to be so blantantly rubbed into my face???) to which I said, well that's not likely to happen in this lifetime. I mean really now, I am 37, I am still apparently married to one Jacob, I have no known or unknown partner in fact there isn't a single homosapien male specie within 10km radius of me that's even remotely aware .ani is female - so really - there be no more babies coming forth from my feminine bits ... that's a closed shop there! ahhahahaha ok ok info overload - **shut up .ani**

Whilst chatting with Dr Lady who was the O&G for me Ashna and Kasha, I mentioned this increasingly unnerving pains in my lower back which we established in 2004 as L5 displaced. So she sends me along to see the Orthoman - a very nice man. The first Ortho who's looked at me and not told me the pain is all in my mind and it's because I am obese (yeah for all those men who imagine .ani to be some babe, according to Ortho's me is a BABE as in the little pink porkster from Babe in the City fame) and that's the end of their examination of me despite the obvious X-ray showing L5 sticking out rather menacingly. One told me to come back if I ever felt shooting pains down my leg or numbness - you can fooking tell such opinions left me numb to seeking help.

But Orthoman, a very fatherly man carefully explained causes and possibilities, made me do some basic tests and man at times the pain was unbearable. So we've got a MRI and some X-rays next Friday to see what's happening with me creaky knees and my wonky back - because to live in such constant mind numbing pain is no fun. I can only imagine what me Gramma with her rheumatoid arthiritis is going through - the 100X more pain even with medications.

So Sliver #3 is meeting Orthoman who has taken me pain seriously enough to suggest the next course of action - this been pain I have been suffering 8 years since Ashna's birth ... time to find a solution me thinks. It's going to cost me a bomb no doubt next Friday - but if it means some relief can be found, then me is all for it, after all I need to be moving till I'm 60 remember :)) It's the weekend. It's time for me to head home and rejoice with me babies that mommy feels like a second lease of life for now :)) and who gives a fook what bossman says or thinks of me, I know what I'm made off and that all that really matters.

Me and the Big G in the sky ... we're still buddies and that's always Sliver #4 :))

~~.ani says Happy Weekend everyone~~

Reflective Mood ... Oct 08, 2008

When I saw this amazing shot, immediately I felt a likeness to this lioness. Although what her reasons for this particular pose I cannot imagine, but in her pensive seemingly waiting state, I find myself.

I used to be known as ani Lioness of the Rainforest back when Geocities chat had interesting rooms and my first foray to online chatting. Most of the friendships made way back in 1996 have withstood the tests of time and distances that separate us.

Such amazing friendships that even now as I sit here contemplating my ever tumultous existence, I feel the love and concern that only genuine friendships accord you.

Anyways, being a Leo, I often associate myself as the lioness, caring and protective of those I love and who mean something to me.


The years have not been smooth sailing for as long as I can remember. But being single and on my own before the children did not feel half as rotten as it does now. Because I am always in a constant struggle to try and find ways to keep head afloat and provide a life for my 2 girls that we will look back on fondly. Not as a phase in our lives that we'd like to disassociate ourselves from.

I showed this shot to some friends and all of them seemed to relate to the waiting pensive look of the lioness. It would seem all of us seem to be in some form of a limbo. And there's an expectant yearning for something to happen that would turn our mundane into something that sends the blood racing ... but there's nothing!

Politically nothing worth paying attention to. Anwar continues his 'transition of power' mind play, Pak Lah continues with his will I or won't I vacate and let someone else take the crap that this country has gone to. I have gotten sick of politicians and their bullshit. With the way the cost of living is skyrocketing, I am more concerned how am I going to manage till the end of the month that who next is Premier ... that will happen when it happens and then let's see where it all heads to.

Divorce wise - another stalemate. The Aug 20th 'hearing' date came and went with the judge being off as it was "cuti sekolah" ... nice to know they have family time, while I wait to have that clean break which allows me to say I am divorced with conviction. I am Separated (6 yrs - yes you heard me right) just doesn't cut it for me anymore ... close old chapters; open new ones ... life is passing without taking a pause to asking me where I want to be heading. Meeting Jacob for that 'settlement' discussion also a stalemate - I guess when someone has convinced themselves we don't exist - it's hard for them to realise they still have obligations to the children they fathered. And so I wait .. wait .. and wait. I know Jacob has his whole new family all well running 'wife'... 'child' ... super - I am happy he's got something going but errr excuse me, let's tie loose ends here.

Me and my literary foray. I write here to keep the words flowing. Not like I make any sense to anyone let alone myself at times, but let the words flow and eventually I hope to find my style of writing and eventually put together all those words and make it my own best seller, a page turner for those who picked it up. But for now, I am remain merely a rambling blogger not even with a following of readers. Perhaps I am really not a good writer at all - one of those wannabe trash type churners - YIKES!!! Cannot be, I know I can write and I can write it well ... just need to find my style and be comfortable with it ... and so there we remain in a literary limbo .... *sigh*

My long overdue chat with Art (I love ya babe!!) I found out he's moving to London. Ahaaa it seems timely to chuck everything I am doing now and go hole up with Art and both of us loveless sexless sistahs should get together and search for jobs ... with Art being in London, I feel hope. Art has and always will be someone who totally put me at ease from all the insanities of the world I face. I miss our Bangkok days, sitting on the balcony of his tiny apartment overlooking some murky Bangkok 'river' and the the river taxis sipping mint tea by the pot loads just barring soul to each other.

And Art reminds me that I need to just take the plunge, the risk and stop being held back with all the excuses I come up with for not just taking this walk on the road never travelled let alone less travelled and find myself in possibilities that could change my whole existence positively .... and that positivity would trickle into Ashna and Kasha's and we'd be closer to getting where we want to be instead of worrying of the what if, maybe and perhaps... I hear Art loud and clear. If anyone knew me well, I would think Art has seen my soul with no covers or pretense ... I feel no need to be anyone but myself raw and uncensored when I am with Art ... these years of not sharing pots of mint tea has taken a toll on me ... I am probably at my lowest point now, perhaps the lowest has yet to come ...

Having said that, I am pensively waiting for some test results after a planned check up with my O&G. Not very heartening news. And as I wait, I try to remain in positive spirits that the results will come back negative, and all will be status quo. Life will continue as it has and no more dramas. But one side of me sub-consciously has been thinking, what if ... then how will I face the facts and how will I utilise the time I have left. The faces of my 2 babies keeps coming up and I find myself again in a state of agitation and pensive waiting.

Nope I'm ready to go anywhere just yet. I will sign a contract with the Devil, if he will give me another 23 years - I am only asking for this nothing else ... 23 more years to be able to work and earn money that will see my girls through their first degree and first job ... after that the Devil is free to call his favour back. Such contracts one does not sign with the big G in the sky aka God, only the Devil will give you something you want so badly to then take everything away in a single unexpected blow, and hence if it comes to that, I will wager my life to the Dark One ... I must be here for that long ... Pessimistic? Perhaps ... but ani has to look within myself to find my strength to face more of the challenges that lie ahead.

Jacob probably gave me the only compliment as he was to leave, which was that he knew no matter what, I was not the kind to roll over and die - aaa well Jacob, thank you for that much - because in acknowledging that perhaps you feel less guilty about walking away from your responsibilities to the girls ... because you left them in good hands you think? But my dear you forget I am mortal, not one of the Gods blessed with immortality and in being mortal, sometimes life is snuffed out before it even begins to fledge it's wings.

I was never afraid of death, but now I worry it might come upon me too soon before I can give my girls their start to life ... perhaps in being a mother, I worry more because had I been as the Malays say "Sebatang Kara" - like lonely driftwood perhaps is the closest imagery I can conjour, I'd not have cared when Hades met me around the next corner. But now, I have to avoid this accidental meeting, because I have too much more on my plate to finish before Hades can claim me.

And so the lioness, sits thinking, looking, wondering and yet in many ways already acutely aware of what needs to be done next in order for the survival of her young and herself. Life is funny, I think when you are a mommy, life and the desire to live takes a whole new meaning ... until then the lioness will think, plan, and execute what will ensure her young live strong and good lives ...

~paw to paw .ani watches the horizon...~

Normal vs Abnormal Life, Oct 04, 2008

WHOA!!! 4th quarter is upon us ... 2008 is almost a done deal. What a year it has been so far ... in so many aspects.

I was having a skype chat with a friend this afternoon, and as usual he was reminding me for someone with everything (by his definition), I whine a lot. Hmmmm and then there was this point where he said he needed a normal life.

I asked what is a normal life ... and that conversation went the course it usually does with him here there everywhere and likely to resurface at some point for more arguements for the sake of ideas.

I posted then in my status box in facebook "Anita wonders what is a normal life and is mine normal or abnormal given the circumstances??"

Got some pretty interesting comments to that, even a book to read about the meaning of life ... it gave me a fuzzy feeling really.

You don't really expect anyone to be paying any attention and then you find out how off the mark you are, people are and people out there care in their own little ways.

One of the things that really often catches me off guard and makes me smile and reminds me that humanity still exists even if its often over-shadowed by the mad callings of living in the frenetic world. Such warmth is what I think really keeps everyone chugging along, finding our footing and place in the big scheme of things.

I remember at some points thinking I had such an absolutely normal life it bored the brains out of me. Then I realised that what I thought was normal to me seemed either scary or exciting to some others. The very same emotions I felt when weighing my life against theirs. Interesting lesson there me thinks.

People are always aspiring for something. That keeps us in a constant state of movement and perhaps agitation. Some want more, some less, but everyone has wants and desires and dreams and aspirations ... coloured and jazzed up with experiences and pains and sorrows sharing stage with joys and triumphs.

I guess that pretty much sums up living. And life being abnormal or normal given all these circumstances, really is by definition the feelings of the said person at any given time.

Me am here and there about how my 37 years has rolled along, super moments, terrible moments, amazing moments ... endless list ... and my journey continues ... and I am surely going to be often struck with this question at different junctures of my life and I am sure that somehow I will find both the good and the bad and strike a balance for what's good for me and for my girls.

Maybe it's not exactly Living da Vida Loca ... but its living ani style - even if it means I get tagged aninolife ... I know it's said with good intentions :)) ...

How do you view your life then?