Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

14 May 2008

Mommy's Day 11 May, 2008

Well there's a reason God made mommies and it's often said because he couldn't be everywhere at the same time ... Now PLEASE don't get me wrong - there's no way that I am disillusioned even for a moment to think that I was chosen to be a mommy because I could fill in the shoes of God.

Rather I think I am one of those instances where we become accidental mommies and we have to continue moving forward in that capacity whilst learning the ropes and in mistakes learn to be better moms.

One of the biggest joys I think to living ones life is the realisation that we are carrying a new life inside of us.

I have to say I was in total awe of the entire episode both times that God saw it befitt
ing that I become mother.

Ashna my elder who is 8 this year was somewhat a surprise. I'd never been one of those regular cycle type girls and after a few false alarms, I stopped worrying if I was pre
gnant. And only after talking with a colleague during my KLIA days, I realised hell not only am I later than usual, I am also having a few of those symptoms she mentioned.

So curious me went straight to the pharmacy and bought myself a pregnancy test kit, scooted to the loo and did the test ... needless to say ClearBlu my brand of choice, showed me 2 blue lines almost immediately. I put the seat cover down and sat in the cubicle dumbstruck for a
good half an hour.

I remember it was July just a few days before Jacob's birthday. I called him and he was equally dumbstruck. Seemed excited - as Ashna would have been the first grand child for both families. A week later we went to the hospital for my first check up. Both anxious excited parents.

But it was not all that simple. The doctor did the scan, and
she did not look too happy. I was worried. She sat us down asked if this was out first child - we said yes. And then she said from calculations the foetus is approximately 7 weeks, but there is no heartbeat - this could be a aborted pregnancy or the foetus is too small to detect any heartbeat. Come back in 3 weeks. If there is no heartbeat we will have to carry out a D&C.

I was shocked. Jacob showed no emotion. I dunno till this day what went on in his head. The 3 weeks was excruciatingly painful waiting. When the day finally came. Jacob went to work and told me to make it to the doctor's appointment on my own. I felt abandoned. What if it was bad news, did I have to face it alone? This is our baby we are talking about.

In the end, my friend Sha's mom who was incredulous such an important appointment and I was going to take a cab to the clinic myself she insisted Sha drive her over to my apartment so that she would go along with me. Sha did just that - no wonder Sha holds a very special place in my heart, he was always a friend I could count on. Later when Sha had to leave, they got his sister Yan
ti to come over and they took me to the hospital and waited outside worrying about the news the doctor might be giving me.

I went in a nerves and when the doctor smiled and said baby is fine, there's a strong heart beat now, I knew I had myself a fighter in there. I heard Ashna's first heartbeats and all I can say is it changed my life. Auntie and Yanti were super happy. I called my mom and told her baby was alright, told my sister told my brother told some other good friends of mine.

Jacob never once called to ask me did I make it to the hospital or did I need him there for anything - zilch. When I finally called him, he said oh I knew it be alright. That was the end of that. If I recount Ashna's
journey into this world, my heart will hurt some more. Because as much as her first heartbeats told me my life had changed forever. Jacob's behaviour also told me something of times to come ahead and to be honest, I felt very let down by my husband. And it as kinda downhill from there on.

A man should be there with his wife when she needs him. Not distance himself from her and expect her to not lose some respect for him as the head of the house. I quickly learnt that for anything to do with me or my children, Jacob was not ready to be there for us when we needed him.

Ashna's first few weeks as foetus were drama like with anxiety. Her entrance into this world was no less dramatic. Jacob fainting as the epidural was being given to me. Ashna needing to be 'vacuumed' out as she had her umbilical chord wrapped around her neck. But she was a health
y baby.. My first born had made it into this world despite initial hiccups and she was beautiful. I named her Hannah Ashna.

By the time I conceived Kasha which again was accidental and sometimes I think God's misplaced sense of humour. Jacob and me were growing apart. I saw the signs of infidelity and I asked hoping for honest answers. All I got were more lies and so I kept busy with my Dubai project trying to think of how to get both of us and Ashna out of Malaysia or if worse case how'd I get Ashna an
d me out of Malaysia.

And so it seemed, I missed periods again and on a trip to Dubai for the 2001 Dubai Airshow, I found myself aimlessly walking in the mall and stopped by a pharmacy and bought my kit again. I was laughing to myself what nonsense chucked the kit in my handbag and went to shop for clothes. Lord knows what I was doing but I ended buying several Maternity work shirts and slacks. When I got back to my hotel room, I put on the TV the news on CNN was the first bombs had been dropped in Afghanistan. And I looked at my test results and I felt faint. This could not be happening.

I rang Jacob up and besides a number of expletives and cursing, he says to me come back and we will find out if this child is mine. The nail in the coffin of our marriage was being hit in. I knew that instance Jacob was with another woman. He can de
ny it all he wants but I knew it.

My visit to the doctor's this time was better than the last. Except baby was fine. Father of the baby was totally unhappy. We came out and as we drove home, he said he wanted me to have a tubal ligation after baby #2 because he did not want anymore children with me. So I said why me? Why not a vasectomy - we won't have babies but everything else is fine. He said this time very clearly "I said I don't want anymore babies with you".

Aaaaa I heard the message quite clearly that second time he said it. Kasha's pregnancy although not troublesome was wrought with a lot of emotional and mental pain from being with a man who made it clear he despised me and he despised me more for hav
ing another child.

Kasha came into this world 2 weeks earlier than her due date. Like as if she might have wanted to catch a glimpse of the man who fathered her as much as possible. I named her Reanna Kasha.

She was not even 6 months, when Jacob chose to tell me after I caught him with incriminating evidence that he'd been out there screwing some woman instead of find a place for us to move to as a family in Bangkok. His way out was "I want a divorce" and "You and children are a waste of my time"

Those words still often ring in my head. I do not think anyone other than perhaps another woman who may have been in my shoes at some point understand how shattered my world felt. I hurt then and damn it I hurt even now especially every time I look at Ashna and Kasha.

I accept he might have stopped loving me - that happens with adults. But how do you stop loving your flesh and blood? I never can comprehend that bit. Every Mother's Day the girls make me their quirky cards. And every Father's Day they make cards too and give it to their grandfather, my dad. I know my girls also hurt in their small and innocent hearts. Especially when they look around and their friends have such doting daddies.

That's really the only time I hate Jacob. Otherwise, I have accepted that sometimes God has His reasons, we are merely caring out our roles. Jacob is missing
out a lot really. Ashna and Kasha are a handful, naughty sometimes, stubborn like both he and I are but they are beautiful loving children. Its his loss by choice to remove himself from our equation.

This Mother's Day, the girls made little cards for my mom and me. And left mine as a surprise on my laptop. I had to laugh to myself ... the innocence and genuineness of children cannot be paralleled by adults.

I might be one over stressed mommy. Sometimes my patience is short on the girls especially after a shitty day in the office. However, I get pissed with myself then for now being a better mom to them. I am trying so hard just to keep above water financially and give them the best I can, sometimes I forget that they want some tenderness and some hugs. So at times when they
are asleep I snuggle up to them for a bit. I know they know I am there beside them and usually as I leave them to sleep and lean over to kiss them and whisper I love you, I usually get a very drowsy I love you mommy which I count as my lucky blessings.

They might be brats and they might be angels but they are my BratAngels and I am blessed to have been so accidentally picked from so many mommies to be Ashna's and Kasha's mommy.

Thank you God for this awesome gift of life and love.

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