Its one of those cloudy like days when although the time reads closer to 11am the outside looks like its on the verge of dusk.
Somehow that energised rays of sunlight one feels at the dawn of a new day seems to be missing today - at least where I am. My mind seems also to be cloudy and troubled. Too many thoughts colliding from the many different bits of information and comments I have been hearing lately.
It might rain later along the day. Kinda further dampening the mood and outlook. It seems to me the weather is mirroring my present disposition. Anyhow what have I been thinking lately.
I was speaking to Pramod the other day, and he tells me that what I write or rather how I write is not the real me. This is the me I want the world to see whereas the REAL me is a lot more complicated and private and my writings are merely a scratch of who I am.
One lying mind game playing jerk (is there only one such person, actually there are a few of this genre I know - but only one comes to mind at the moment) tells me I need to grow up. Apparently he doesn't like me anymore ... oh wait actually he never liked me for anything more than to spill his bloody venom on whenever it suited him and then typically apologise when he thought I might actually remove his access to me. Well I have removed access to me and so now I am told good riddance and to grown up - OK ... noted.
So now I am confused. I write because I want to write what I write. It's what I am thinking about. I really haven't a clue what people are perceiving about me via my writings.
Pramod argues with me that the comment someone made that I am transparent and they know me through my blogs even before the meet me is incorrect. He says I might appear transparent but really I am not. Pramod says I am like an onion. Layers to peel before the real me is revealed and that too only if I allow people to peel those protective layers away.
This is Pramod. A self declared narcissist, totally and entirely wrapped up in himself. Now if he had been blessed with Adonis type looks, there would be no stopping Pramod. But as he says, God cheated him on the looks category. He is an interesting chap to talk with. What interests me about Pramod is he has put some of his dream into action. He loves the stage and limelight and he is pursuing that. And somehow we connect, so it's his right to his perceptions of me.
Actually sometimes being the mortal that I am ... I react to adverse comments people make about me. I get angry, lose my temper and implode - there's no point I explode is there? People don't care. To them my exploding is exactly the result they want. So I just focus on imploding the anger and negative feelings and then I blog. I write what bugs me to get it out of my system.
When I first read Jacob's court submission for our my divorce petition, I exploded! I don't deny it. I was freaking raving pissed off. The things he said there about me and how he pointed fingers everywhere but to himself that he picked me, he dated me, he screwed around with me, he asked for my hand, he insisted we get married when I asked him if this was what he wanted to do ... no no all that forgotten, it was everyone else's fault he married me the psychotic neurotic woman who went downhill after the birth of the girls that he was driven into the arms of his mistress. Aaaahhhhhh well now that's his story and I have mine.
I exploded with a lot of bile. I took pen and paper and wrote a hundred angry notes all addressed to that maggot I married ... and then I tore them all up into tiny tiny pieces and watched the wind scatter them taking my pain and anger away. I did that because, in the first 6 months of Jacob's walkout I wrote him emails and letters - full of anger and hurt and I was not polite with my vocabulary, he used those letters and emails as the basis of his accusations of my purported neurotics.
One always learns from mistakes. So from that point on whenever I heard anything about Jacob and his wench, and trust me, people love to tell you things about things you really don't wish to hear. Hence why I know so much about Jacob. If he knows anything about me, well am not surprised although I tend to lead a rather boring life he'd not be interested or maybe he is who knows. 6 years is a long time without closure, and people like to see how their words affect me.
In the early days, my obvious hurt would be visible despite the brave smile I put forward. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hurt then or even now, only the degree is different. Now when I hear anything, I smile my brightest smile, and shrug it off. In my private time I explode. More often implode.
Geogie my good friend says to me, Jacob didn't do anything I didn't let him do to me. He has a point. If I hadn't let Jacob court me, I'd be likely still an oddball single, but I allowed him into my life and he courted and made promises which I believed in. If I hadn't allowed Jacob the kind of independence from me because I am myself an independent woman, he'd have had not time to court anyone else whilst leaving me to independently look after the runnings of the home, the bills and the children. I allowed him to see the potential for him to walk out on me and that he could wash his hands off his responsibilities because I showed him that I never gave up no matter how bad things got.
And so Geogie is also right in a way. I kinda let myself get to this point, where I am still struggling and keep my feet firmly on the ground trying to make some sense of the future that is before me. Jacob has washed his hands off me and the kids, but not divorced me yet. Some friends tell me, ani one day he's going to turn up at your door all contrite and ask you to take him back because he's still your husband. I tell them, well he can, but I'll right turn him around and kick that camel ass off his to kingdom come ... I have no place for such a maggot in my life. And I will do that. I do not wish for such a day to happen, but if it did that's what I'd do.
Pramod's assessment of me is through my writings and our chats and emails. We've not yet encountered each other in person. He's a Banglorean and me small town Seremban. The net is a fascinating connectivity tool - it brings to us via dial up lines and chat engines so many servings of mankind. I have built the foundations of many meaningful friendships online and then eventually met in persons. It's an interesting phenomenon to me.
So there's Pramod's, there's Geogie's, there's the lying worm's perceptions of me. And this merely a slice of the pie.
This morning, I received a mail from someone who'd sent me one dripping with sarcasm about the kind of man I wanted to share my life with (yes I would like a man but apparently that model of man is obsolete - the saint! hahaahha). So I wrote back in my usual tongue in cheek saying well yeah ok gotcha good luck in your lady love search as well. He writes back that I am funny in a bizarre way ... my tone and content is so serious but the words I have put it forth with is humorous.
And that is basically my recipe. Tragedy and disappointments have dogged my very existence from the day I was born. Apparently astrologically everything that could be wrong is wrong for me. Had I been born a minute earlier, had I been born a boy, had I not been born at all - then all things would be honky dory ... OH SHIT! now you bloody tell me that??
Too late - this is the shit astrologically dished out. I was born with a vagina and boobs and a brains and not just penis endowed. So astrologically my life is about toiling toiling and to die trying to attain my nirvana. Wonderful ain't it for someone to read your star chart 36 years down the road and tell you you've been screwed right proper just for being conceived when misalignment of the planets was at its peak.
Can I blame my parents for this? Is there a point? Nope no point blaming anyone. I am the master or in this case the mistress of my own destiny. And I have to make right what all has been wrong so far. That can only come from me, myself and I.
Babs my kid sis gave me the book Excuse Me Your Life Is Waiting - I have yet to find the time to sit down and read it. Apparently its another one of those Law of Attraction type books which I should get down to reading. Can't hurt.
I was thinking last night as I was driving home about the various negative unhappy things that have happened to me in the last 36 years. 3 cycles of life over and done with. This is a new beginning to where and who I want to be. Time to just really get a move forward.
My problem is that everything I want to move forward from seem to still be selfishly clinging to me. Like this fucking divorce. Why the hell can't it be over. Closure for me. Am damn sure it's been a closed topic to Jacob last 6 years but ahem? What about the legalities? I want to look back and see nothing holding me back from going ahead with what I see myself doing in the next 2 cycles of my life.
I don't want to be 60 and STILL married to Jacob. When I get to 60, I want to look back and see at least 2 decades of living that I am proud of. No more unnecessary stress. Ashna and Kasha grown up independent well rounded girls. I want to be able to die knowing I did make it in the end no matter what the fucking misaligned stars says my life will be like. I refuse to go down without a fight. No it's not my karma to be at the suffering ahead always.
Maybe I am not a saint but I am basically a good person. I avoid confrontations, I avoid remaining upset or angry with people. I don't go out and hurt people for the fun of it. I am not perfect, but I am no demon either. I have simple hopes and dreams. Maybe in that simplicity people see a complex being. Maybe I am all that I am not.
Perhaps my writings are like the alter ego of me? But no not really. What I write is how I feel. I am a paradox noisy and silent at any given time. Seemingly carefree and uptight at the same time. Old fashioned, new age. I continue to confuse my own self haahha I bet I confuse you too.
Do I wish to be understood? Wouldn't we all ... but if nobody understands me thats also ok. In the end, all that matters is when I leave this place, I leave it with no debts to anyone in any form. And go knowing I did the best I could within my given means.
The sky outside is still cloudy and smells like rain ...
Be well ....
