I am feeling a little slighted lately. And honestly this is not something I should be bothered about. But it all comes down again to the misplaced popularity badge people attach to me and then for some reason when their liaisons with me seem not to give them the mileage they crave or desire they unceremoniously dump me.
Lately I found that I've been unceremoniously dumped from a number of so called 'friends' I'd made on a network called NUKKAD. Now I really enjoyed the interactions here in my early days on the network. I've actually left it now, because I (and perhaps it's a case of dented ego - if i possessed one to begin with) felt I was amongst people who called you sweets and darling and doll and my best mate and sister and ya da ya da ya da when they felt somehow that would increased their own presence of being.
I mean I am a self confessed net addict. I am online almost all the time. If sleep and other commitments did not come in the way, I'd be surfing writing chatting endlessly - but I am conscious that this online existence has made me somewhat of a recluse as far as social interactions are concerned.
Sure, I am actively interacting online with people I have called friend. And I think I really must learn to be less giving of my 'friendship' in the future. I always seem to make this mistake in assuming that everyone else is like me. When I call you friend, means I care for you. I am very concerned about you and your well-being. I will fight dragons if there were any to be found, if it mattered that much to my friend's happiness.
It would seem that in return, I get hurt when people who seemed to want my company in stealth silence drop me like a rotten egg and ignore my attempts at conversation. I mean YES I know damn well the world does not revolve around me - I've never been that delusional.
But it hurts. When someone drops you for no rhyme or reason it hurts. Even if all this person is, is someone I called friend. Because inevitably it reminds me of the hurt at being dropped by the ones I loved. Perhaps the one time I on my own dropped someone rather shockingly for that person was me calling it quits with Woody. And the sole reason I did that was I knew I had too much baggage from my past to even begin laying any foundation for a future here. I owe Woody an apology I am sure. But sometimes it's best to let things be.
Since the end of that, I have tried my darnest to clean up my past baggage - to no avail as far as Jacob and his idiotic attitude towards the divorce. That aside, I have kept busy with work. Stayed away consciously from getting close to any men - avoiding potential trouble is how I see it. I am not ready for anything more serious than a laugh and a cup of coffee.
But why am I slighted that so called friends dropped me? I dunno maybe it's an hormonal induced sensitivity. Especially when these days, I hardly care anymore if people like me or don't. Perhaps the only arguement I can put forth here was that I'd again made the damn mistake of thinking, they meant they friendship. Instead it was a liaison of convenience and now I no longer serve a purpose, hence am axed out. Not even a ciao mate I am moving on type adieu ... well I suppose in their minds I am not worth even that.
Perhaps that's a reason, rather than interact with people, I rather play games on Facebook, write here about my thoughts. I can rant, rave, ramble ... no one cares, why should I?? Spend my hours driving to and from work speaking monologues to figment of my imagination type friends ... man do I sound like I am heading on a one way ticket to loonyville??? Perhaps I am.
People constantly disappoint me. And since I have this fear that perhaps I am the self destructing agent that makes them do this to me ... I am withdrawing from society. Withdrawing into a shell that I worked hard to come out from. After years of withdrawing into my own cocoon type world during my Jacob years and later in my shortlived Jaan years ... I tried to find my way back to social interactions.
But I think, my journey which has been peppered with so much pain and trials has left a bitter taste in my mouth for me to even bother to be show any social graces anymore. If you see me animatedly talking or laughing with someone, it is usually a someone who accepts me obnoxious as much as they accept me when I am caring and helpful. These are such a rare commodity and yet I do not make the effort.
I crave an honesty and simplicity in my interactions which is usually rare in the pretense world we live in today. If you're not something worth leveraging on, nobody even cares if you lay dying in a gutter. And I have nothing for people to leverage off, hence I am expandable on their friendship list. If they think I can do something for them, it's all honey and sweetness and gushing. Once the deed is done, splat gone!
Constantly I battle myself too. I refuse to allow myself to be one of the crowd of fakes. I prefer to stand my ground and remain true to my destination. But I am learning that in being true to one's self, one alienates one self from society. People see you a freaky uncool. It's not all that bad although when I want company, there is none to be found.
I'm going through my Friendster list, my Facebook list, my YM list, my MSN list, my RYZE list, and even my mobile list and if the last time I heard from that person was because I initiated the conversation and post that nothing has been heard or seen, then it's time to just well disassociated myself from them.
I must say my list is slowly shrinking. Some its hard... I believed there was more to their interactions with me, actual real friendship ... and it's painful to accept that really only I was the one who put so much weight to that interaction. To them I was yet another pass time.
I'm more than anyone's time pass. If that's all I am then I rather not be in that circle. I guess I better get used to my solitary existence. The men and women I meet, makes me realise I am doing alright on my own why jinx it. I find genuineness lacking in people these days. It's all about what I can get out of this person for my own self gain - be it sex, money, position, power - none of which I am any good at or have.
After spending so many years being the gullible ass because I inadvertently made the same mistake of trusting that people were like me, I am now just wary of people. Judging that I also only seem to attract the weirdo type men - has made me a total disbeliever in there being true love especially in my context. Now when a guy tries to chat me up - I tell him point blank if he wants sex to look elsewhere. If he wants someone to have a conversation with then maybe I might be useful.
So to any man reading this - if you tell me I have a beautiful smile, am hot, am intelligent, you're amazed at my perseverance at life - I will laugh so loud and hard you'd think I'd lost my marbles. If that's your best pick up line - sorry no go. I've heard it from every race on this planet, its not even funny anymore.
So okay, people are removing me from their list of friends - perhaps they are doing me the favour of having to weed them out from my cluttered lists ... I guess that's the way to approach things. I was the flavour of the month and now I am not ... ahah sounds like I'm always a passing flavour of the month never here to stay.
Sigh ... I guess I'm more slighted from the fact that I even allowed myself to feel slighted :)) ... I mean I had to accept that I am human after all susceptible to feeling left out and unwanted no matter how I steel my heart to not allow such setbacks to effect me, they do when I least expect it. And I am reminded all too clearly at how alone amidst crowds I am. Am often like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole - totally useless endeavour and pointless as well but I end up there somehow probably propelled by the need for mind stimulating company.
In my imperfections, I keep myself company. Finding paths and ways to get to my end destination. I fail more often than I succeed. I feel low and beaten and then I tell myself .ani pick yourself up girl, no one else gives a hoot. You are the driver of your own destiny, depend on no one. And so I continue, in this exponentially expanding sense of alienation from everything and everyone ... I guess I'm just not a likeable person, but knowing it to be so, I withdraw so as to limit my faux paus existence from effecting the circle of life.
It's ok. I'll come to terms with this setback as well. I have blogsite and I have fingers still that can churn out the words in my heart and mind. I remain incoherent even to myself at times and criticizingly coherent as well.
Q1 of 2008 is coming to a close. 9 more months of this year to make efforts to take my life on a flight of living... am sure I will eventually get to my destination. In the mean time, it's a matter of coming to terms with the setbacks and getting over the pain. Am sure it makes me a stronger person even if nobody else thinks so..
In the end, what matters is do I like me ... yes? Yes!
Lately I found that I've been unceremoniously dumped from a number of so called 'friends' I'd made on a network called NUKKAD. Now I really enjoyed the interactions here in my early days on the network. I've actually left it now, because I (and perhaps it's a case of dented ego - if i possessed one to begin with) felt I was amongst people who called you sweets and darling and doll and my best mate and sister and ya da ya da ya da when they felt somehow that would increased their own presence of being.
I mean I am a self confessed net addict. I am online almost all the time. If sleep and other commitments did not come in the way, I'd be surfing writing chatting endlessly - but I am conscious that this online existence has made me somewhat of a recluse as far as social interactions are concerned.
Sure, I am actively interacting online with people I have called friend. And I think I really must learn to be less giving of my 'friendship' in the future. I always seem to make this mistake in assuming that everyone else is like me. When I call you friend, means I care for you. I am very concerned about you and your well-being. I will fight dragons if there were any to be found, if it mattered that much to my friend's happiness.
It would seem that in return, I get hurt when people who seemed to want my company in stealth silence drop me like a rotten egg and ignore my attempts at conversation. I mean YES I know damn well the world does not revolve around me - I've never been that delusional.
But it hurts. When someone drops you for no rhyme or reason it hurts. Even if all this person is, is someone I called friend. Because inevitably it reminds me of the hurt at being dropped by the ones I loved. Perhaps the one time I on my own dropped someone rather shockingly for that person was me calling it quits with Woody. And the sole reason I did that was I knew I had too much baggage from my past to even begin laying any foundation for a future here. I owe Woody an apology I am sure. But sometimes it's best to let things be.
Since the end of that, I have tried my darnest to clean up my past baggage - to no avail as far as Jacob and his idiotic attitude towards the divorce. That aside, I have kept busy with work. Stayed away consciously from getting close to any men - avoiding potential trouble is how I see it. I am not ready for anything more serious than a laugh and a cup of coffee.
But why am I slighted that so called friends dropped me? I dunno maybe it's an hormonal induced sensitivity. Especially when these days, I hardly care anymore if people like me or don't. Perhaps the only arguement I can put forth here was that I'd again made the damn mistake of thinking, they meant they friendship. Instead it was a liaison of convenience and now I no longer serve a purpose, hence am axed out. Not even a ciao mate I am moving on type adieu ... well I suppose in their minds I am not worth even that.
Perhaps that's a reason, rather than interact with people, I rather play games on Facebook, write here about my thoughts. I can rant, rave, ramble ... no one cares, why should I?? Spend my hours driving to and from work speaking monologues to figment of my imagination type friends ... man do I sound like I am heading on a one way ticket to loonyville??? Perhaps I am.
People constantly disappoint me. And since I have this fear that perhaps I am the self destructing agent that makes them do this to me ... I am withdrawing from society. Withdrawing into a shell that I worked hard to come out from. After years of withdrawing into my own cocoon type world during my Jacob years and later in my shortlived Jaan years ... I tried to find my way back to social interactions.
But I think, my journey which has been peppered with so much pain and trials has left a bitter taste in my mouth for me to even bother to be show any social graces anymore. If you see me animatedly talking or laughing with someone, it is usually a someone who accepts me obnoxious as much as they accept me when I am caring and helpful. These are such a rare commodity and yet I do not make the effort.
I crave an honesty and simplicity in my interactions which is usually rare in the pretense world we live in today. If you're not something worth leveraging on, nobody even cares if you lay dying in a gutter. And I have nothing for people to leverage off, hence I am expandable on their friendship list. If they think I can do something for them, it's all honey and sweetness and gushing. Once the deed is done, splat gone!
Constantly I battle myself too. I refuse to allow myself to be one of the crowd of fakes. I prefer to stand my ground and remain true to my destination. But I am learning that in being true to one's self, one alienates one self from society. People see you a freaky uncool. It's not all that bad although when I want company, there is none to be found.
I'm going through my Friendster list, my Facebook list, my YM list, my MSN list, my RYZE list, and even my mobile list and if the last time I heard from that person was because I initiated the conversation and post that nothing has been heard or seen, then it's time to just well disassociated myself from them.
I must say my list is slowly shrinking. Some its hard... I believed there was more to their interactions with me, actual real friendship ... and it's painful to accept that really only I was the one who put so much weight to that interaction. To them I was yet another pass time.
I'm more than anyone's time pass. If that's all I am then I rather not be in that circle. I guess I better get used to my solitary existence. The men and women I meet, makes me realise I am doing alright on my own why jinx it. I find genuineness lacking in people these days. It's all about what I can get out of this person for my own self gain - be it sex, money, position, power - none of which I am any good at or have.
After spending so many years being the gullible ass because I inadvertently made the same mistake of trusting that people were like me, I am now just wary of people. Judging that I also only seem to attract the weirdo type men - has made me a total disbeliever in there being true love especially in my context. Now when a guy tries to chat me up - I tell him point blank if he wants sex to look elsewhere. If he wants someone to have a conversation with then maybe I might be useful.
So to any man reading this - if you tell me I have a beautiful smile, am hot, am intelligent, you're amazed at my perseverance at life - I will laugh so loud and hard you'd think I'd lost my marbles. If that's your best pick up line - sorry no go. I've heard it from every race on this planet, its not even funny anymore.
So okay, people are removing me from their list of friends - perhaps they are doing me the favour of having to weed them out from my cluttered lists ... I guess that's the way to approach things. I was the flavour of the month and now I am not ... ahah sounds like I'm always a passing flavour of the month never here to stay.
Sigh ... I guess I'm more slighted from the fact that I even allowed myself to feel slighted :)) ... I mean I had to accept that I am human after all susceptible to feeling left out and unwanted no matter how I steel my heart to not allow such setbacks to effect me, they do when I least expect it. And I am reminded all too clearly at how alone amidst crowds I am. Am often like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole - totally useless endeavour and pointless as well but I end up there somehow probably propelled by the need for mind stimulating company.
In my imperfections, I keep myself company. Finding paths and ways to get to my end destination. I fail more often than I succeed. I feel low and beaten and then I tell myself .ani pick yourself up girl, no one else gives a hoot. You are the driver of your own destiny, depend on no one. And so I continue, in this exponentially expanding sense of alienation from everything and everyone ... I guess I'm just not a likeable person, but knowing it to be so, I withdraw so as to limit my faux paus existence from effecting the circle of life.
It's ok. I'll come to terms with this setback as well. I have blogsite and I have fingers still that can churn out the words in my heart and mind. I remain incoherent even to myself at times and criticizingly coherent as well.
Q1 of 2008 is coming to a close. 9 more months of this year to make efforts to take my life on a flight of living... am sure I will eventually get to my destination. In the mean time, it's a matter of coming to terms with the setbacks and getting over the pain. Am sure it makes me a stronger person even if nobody else thinks so..
In the end, what matters is do I like me ... yes? Yes!
1 comment:
so are you keeping lines of communication open with me simply because of the pandi curry? . . .
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