Now you might ask, what in heaven's name am I going to go on about ... well it is yet again more jumbled incoherent ideas and thoughts which I am trying to make sense of and pull together and present to you the unseen unknown reader (am not even sure if anyone ever reads any thing here ;p) that you might find yourself unwittingly take the journey with me.
Am I religious? Do I believe in God? Will you see me standing on high mountains screaming to the unhearing masses my profession of faith? I have no answers.
I would like to think that I am moderately religious, as in I tend to believe that there is a God even if we cannot quantify or qualify this omnipresence. I do believe as much as community worship is important, I have a direct line to the big G in the heavens for whenever I need to talk. Mindbogglingly so, I have increasingly found prolonged sessions of me taking sabbaticals from obvious physical display of worship, but my conversations with God continue ad hoc ad verbatim whenever I need to unleash the troubles that weigh me down and take my spirit for a downward spiral as much as I struggle for it to take flight.
Now there are people who believe that all things are in God's plan and if you are a fervent dedicated God fearing person (whichever serving of God one might subscribe to), all that you seek, knock and it shall be opened unto you, seek and you shall find, ask and you shall receive - all very nice to hear, but I ask does it really happen that easily??? There are those who swear that prayer has brought them all that they have asked for ... which makes me conclude that God is not listening to me when I pray, am not asking for much, just a bit more good days in my career, and end to the divorce and to be able to live comfortably within my means with my 2 angels - to date no go ... God's not answering me. Some say, I don't pray enough - what happens then? I go on a sabbatical from God to work out the facet of my relationship with this intangible all knowing presence!
Lately ok not so lately, there has been a deluge in the mass market from everything 'The Secret" to 'Law of Attraction', to sending sublimal messages out to the universe and the universe picking up these messages and sending you things ... now if you had sent such powerful positive messages, apparently the universe will then respond by making these positive thoughts tangible realities.
However if you are a sorry sod like me wrought with insecurities, fears and an unbecoming degree of pessimism, the universe (which turns out not to be too smart) will pick up on these negative vibes that your mind is unconsciously sending out and deliver to you the truckloads of shit ass luck you've been so fearful of receiving.
Now ask me about this. It seems awfully frustrating that neither God nor the universe seem to be hearing my pleas in the right manner. Or is that a format with which I have to send out my thoughts and prayers in order to have them answered by either entity?? Man I just cannot get the easy train here can I???
I have begun to wonder if I am the only one left this frustrated at the outcome of things or are others also equally stumped. I mean, everyone tells me hanging there ani, pray ani, think positive ani, send out the right vibes ani, create a dreamboard ani, focus ani, ask God sincerely ani ... ya da ya da ya da ... my head could explode with all this positivity ...
And phreaking hell, I've been doing so for as long as I can remember, more so in the last 5 years, revamped my take on life, revisited my values and decided well some are just mine to practice and I cannot force my ideas on others especially if they subscribe to their own particular set ... things that used to shock the bejeebers out of me now don't raise an eyebrow, things I felt were clear black or white have taken on hues of gray and sometimes the colours of the rainbow ... nothing is a clear cut fact anymore, everything is an evolving understanding as I find my way through this quagmire of madness people generally call living.
Am left at the moment feeling like life is going too fast, all my plans which were put into disarray when Jacob left the equation, I am still struggling to find myself back on track. I set myself a target by 40, I would be able to sit back and enjoy a bit of life and with my family to care for ... but well Jacob left and I was left suddenly without a roof over my head that I could call my home (I mean yes I moved back into my parents house but at 36+ I am beginning to feel awful lame! not being able to move forward and live on my own with my girls), penniless in the bank, and debts along with 2 children to feed clothe and raise - to say the least, I went to panic pandemonium ... and am still trying to bring this ship back on course minus the now former captain. I have taken on the role of Captain, First Mate, Cook and Crew ... all rolled into one nicely tight roll with 2 life boats on either side ...
It's turning out to be some navigational exercise, and almost every time I begin to believe I see land ahead not just waves and more crashing walls of water with treacherous whirlpools, high seas squalls and blinding torrential rains ... tossed and thrown abouts this unseen ocean, suddenly a calm descends ... almost like a dream and yet an ever present uncertainty of when the next turbulence will unleash itself.
I am a veteran now of mending the sails, plugging the holes on this vessel which remains afloat purely from my tenacity to survive the odds. I am not afforded the luxury of handing over the watch to anyone else but myself. And whilst one eye scans the horizon the other bits of me are working on making it through another day.
And after all of this action, sometimes I introspect at my life in almost a semi comatose presence. And there is no positivity left inside me that I can squeeze out to send any sort of message to either the universe or to God ... neither hears anything from me. I feel immobile with the exhaustion that overtakes me mentally and emotionally ... and physically I am drained from all the rushing around. I listen to all these positively positive people go on about how they are in control of their thoughts and making reality their aspirations. I seem cynical unbelieving in my expression.
However, I am thinking when might I have that leisurely experience to unclutter my mind and my thoughts and start projecting this new positive thinking me. Is it possible that so long as I am thinking of bettering my current, means some sort of message is being relayed - RIGHT?????
Anyhows, I need to go think this God, Universe and me theory out a little bit more ... I shall return
Am I religious? Do I believe in God? Will you see me standing on high mountains screaming to the unhearing masses my profession of faith? I have no answers.
I would like to think that I am moderately religious, as in I tend to believe that there is a God even if we cannot quantify or qualify this omnipresence. I do believe as much as community worship is important, I have a direct line to the big G in the heavens for whenever I need to talk. Mindbogglingly so, I have increasingly found prolonged sessions of me taking sabbaticals from obvious physical display of worship, but my conversations with God continue ad hoc ad verbatim whenever I need to unleash the troubles that weigh me down and take my spirit for a downward spiral as much as I struggle for it to take flight.
Now there are people who believe that all things are in God's plan and if you are a fervent dedicated God fearing person (whichever serving of God one might subscribe to), all that you seek, knock and it shall be opened unto you, seek and you shall find, ask and you shall receive - all very nice to hear, but I ask does it really happen that easily??? There are those who swear that prayer has brought them all that they have asked for ... which makes me conclude that God is not listening to me when I pray, am not asking for much, just a bit more good days in my career, and end to the divorce and to be able to live comfortably within my means with my 2 angels - to date no go ... God's not answering me. Some say, I don't pray enough - what happens then? I go on a sabbatical from God to work out the facet of my relationship with this intangible all knowing presence!
Lately ok not so lately, there has been a deluge in the mass market from everything 'The Secret" to 'Law of Attraction', to sending sublimal messages out to the universe and the universe picking up these messages and sending you things ... now if you had sent such powerful positive messages, apparently the universe will then respond by making these positive thoughts tangible realities.
However if you are a sorry sod like me wrought with insecurities, fears and an unbecoming degree of pessimism, the universe (which turns out not to be too smart) will pick up on these negative vibes that your mind is unconsciously sending out and deliver to you the truckloads of shit ass luck you've been so fearful of receiving.
Now ask me about this. It seems awfully frustrating that neither God nor the universe seem to be hearing my pleas in the right manner. Or is that a format with which I have to send out my thoughts and prayers in order to have them answered by either entity?? Man I just cannot get the easy train here can I???
I have begun to wonder if I am the only one left this frustrated at the outcome of things or are others also equally stumped. I mean, everyone tells me hanging there ani, pray ani, think positive ani, send out the right vibes ani, create a dreamboard ani, focus ani, ask God sincerely ani ... ya da ya da ya da ... my head could explode with all this positivity ...
And phreaking hell, I've been doing so for as long as I can remember, more so in the last 5 years, revamped my take on life, revisited my values and decided well some are just mine to practice and I cannot force my ideas on others especially if they subscribe to their own particular set ... things that used to shock the bejeebers out of me now don't raise an eyebrow, things I felt were clear black or white have taken on hues of gray and sometimes the colours of the rainbow ... nothing is a clear cut fact anymore, everything is an evolving understanding as I find my way through this quagmire of madness people generally call living.
Am left at the moment feeling like life is going too fast, all my plans which were put into disarray when Jacob left the equation, I am still struggling to find myself back on track. I set myself a target by 40, I would be able to sit back and enjoy a bit of life and with my family to care for ... but well Jacob left and I was left suddenly without a roof over my head that I could call my home (I mean yes I moved back into my parents house but at 36+ I am beginning to feel awful lame! not being able to move forward and live on my own with my girls), penniless in the bank, and debts along with 2 children to feed clothe and raise - to say the least, I went to panic pandemonium ... and am still trying to bring this ship back on course minus the now former captain. I have taken on the role of Captain, First Mate, Cook and Crew ... all rolled into one nicely tight roll with 2 life boats on either side ...
It's turning out to be some navigational exercise, and almost every time I begin to believe I see land ahead not just waves and more crashing walls of water with treacherous whirlpools, high seas squalls and blinding torrential rains ... tossed and thrown abouts this unseen ocean, suddenly a calm descends ... almost like a dream and yet an ever present uncertainty of when the next turbulence will unleash itself.
I am a veteran now of mending the sails, plugging the holes on this vessel which remains afloat purely from my tenacity to survive the odds. I am not afforded the luxury of handing over the watch to anyone else but myself. And whilst one eye scans the horizon the other bits of me are working on making it through another day.
And after all of this action, sometimes I introspect at my life in almost a semi comatose presence. And there is no positivity left inside me that I can squeeze out to send any sort of message to either the universe or to God ... neither hears anything from me. I feel immobile with the exhaustion that overtakes me mentally and emotionally ... and physically I am drained from all the rushing around. I listen to all these positively positive people go on about how they are in control of their thoughts and making reality their aspirations. I seem cynical unbelieving in my expression.
However, I am thinking when might I have that leisurely experience to unclutter my mind and my thoughts and start projecting this new positive thinking me. Is it possible that so long as I am thinking of bettering my current, means some sort of message is being relayed - RIGHT?????
Anyhows, I need to go think this God, Universe and me theory out a little bit more ... I shall return
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