Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

27 January 2008

I Have Fans??? REALLY?? Jan 27, 2008

Now this is shocking!!! Apparently I have fans of my blogs - EEK ... how does this happen?? Who are they?? What goes through their minds when they read my ramblings???

Ok I mean there is no real reason to be a big time DQ(drama queen) not like it's truckloads of them or anything ... but I only found out there's such a thing as fans (obviously now that makes me wonder if I'm part of some statistic on someone else's blog page ... hmmmm) through my FACEBOOK account ... I have added an application there called Blog Friends (I think that's what it is called!) and suddenly next to my name I saw 17 fans (yeah yeah ONLY 17 and all this DQness - sheez eheheheh)

Now seeing that number - not being able to click to see who these fans were was what made this little brain go into hyper drive :)) - people actually want to read my stuff and then come back for more? Why? is really the first thought that runs through my head ... not like I am some famous writer or that my ramblings make any sense - or does it???

But let me honest - it is very flattering to note that there are anonymous people (to me anyways) coming by regularly to see what I have written about. That is bare fact - I am touched, and I am honoured. Whether or not they appreciate the words, I cannot tell.

Do they laugh at my misadventures?
Do they feel and capture the essence of my pains?
Do they see the images my words try to paint?
Do they feel a desire to reach out and perhaps hold my hand in an act to comfort? Maybe a hug that reassures me that tomorrow is a new canvas?

I do wonder what thoughts run through their minds. Do they feel compelled to tell me their thoughts but then choose to remain silent and anonymous readers? Are they repulsed?? Do they think I am some spineless ninny ... who lives in past pains? Chained to the sorrows of yesterday unable to live today nor look ahead to tomorrow??

So many questions run through my mind. And then still a smile curves on the corners of my mouth because these people exist. These people found me some what worthy of their reading time. And again I find myself humbled.

Life had shown me a great number of humbling experiences in the last years. Life somehow had always made sure I remain clearly and visibly reminded of where I have come from, of where I am now and of where I am striving to get to.

A friend of a friend wrote to me ... saying that my in my writings she sees and feels a lot of pain and yet she feels that I am strong and likely a chosen child of God. I wonder if there is truth in that. Like in my previous post, I am often left wondering if the big G in the sky even realises I exist ... because it seems that no matter what I do or try to do, disappointment and failure seem to await me ...

The start of 2008 - where I made a resolution NOT to make any resolutions was the best thing I did ehehhe - I believe that from past experience ... I usually end up feeling down and disappointed along the year realising that half the resolutions are smashed to smithereens ... so this year made none to fail to keep - and its going much better - no pressure no stress.

Of course I still look forward to some closures and some new opportunities. I have to admit when I look back at me 2 years ago ... 6 years ago ... 10 years ago ... 13 years ago ... damn it from the time I had cognitive skills to realise what was going on in my life ... I have really come a long way. So many 'myths' have been shattered and I laugh thinking how I lived by some rules just for the sake of living with them.

I cringe to find that here drawing closer to 37, I still live within the confines of some rules, that my mind screams out to be bloody nonsense ... and the hypocrisy of it all and perhaps I am then classifiable as a hypocrite ... but why do I do somethings the way I do them and other times differently? It is about the fine balance of living within the confines of other peoples space and ideas of what is truth and what is not.

Sometimes there are people who accuse me of pretense in my caring of others, in my way I lead my life, in the way I deal with them or situations or combination of elements ... I have learnt that arguing with such people makes no difference. They have build their opinion of me and thus will it remain... and I can talk till the cows come home they are not about to change their perception of me anytime soon ...

The important things is who I am to me. The me that looks back at me from the mirror is the one I need to feel comfortable with. The one I need to be able to look in the eye and not turn away with guilt or defiance. That is the most important person I need to be happy with - me. For who I am to myself and what I use as yardsticks for myself is important. The perception of others matters naught because I would be compelled to ask them if their reflections are as guilt free as mine is :) ... me thinks the first to cast the stone better have not sinned themselves ... Christ had a point there when he asked that of the mob who were so riled to stone Mary Magdalene ... and see what people have gone on to say... Christ and Mary Mag had a steamy thing going on between some robes and sheets ... tsk tsk tsk ...

Before the ramble becomes a never ending deluge of my incoherent mind's verbosity ... I had better take leave ... and lest I scare my 'fans' away ... :)) I want to say - Thank You ... for feeling my ramblings worthy of your time.

So I have fans - yay!!! now if I knew them all, whenever that amazing Booker winner book of mine hits the shelves, they be getting complimentary autographed copies :)) - I PROMISE ... never one to forget the support and encouragement of friends ...

Till next time ... happy trails ...

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