Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

20 August 2008

August August ... Aug 20, 2008

Today is 20082008 - significant to different people for different reasons.
  • Well for starters it happens only once ever
  • 2 of my most favourite people in the world officially tied the knot today and I wish them all the very best in life
  • This was supposed to be the day of my divorce hearing - finally after 6 years of waiting and countless 'Mentions' the matter was to be heard. But as luck would have it, it's school holidays in Malaysia and the Honorable Presiding Judge is on leave (admittedly even they are parents so no complains here)- hence hearing postponed till further notice *sigh* ...
  • I saw 'him' after 6 years and it was an interesting thing to realise how it didn't matter anymore to me, I am over him truly and I sincerely wish him happiness - this was a liberating moment so to speak.
August is always an interesting month for me personally. I am surrounded by innumerable August Leo friends globally and the entire month is spent wishing someone or other happy days ahead till the next birthday. Ma and I too are August Leos so all the Leos in the house, give us a roar!! *eheheh* this is especially to WaWa the nuttiest lioness I know and love to bits!

Indonesia, Malaysia, India, Singapore all celebrate National/Independence day - each aging in her own glory, each also wallowing in her own realities of political-socio-economics. Malaysia turns 51 - and Malaysia is in pain and to an extent it seems like pandemonium reigns like a loose cannon. At times I feel hopeful, most often I am anxious. My biggest concern always remains the future of my babies.

When one consciously decides to bring forth children into the world, one must also then consciously plan provide and care for these children. With all the madness on-going over the DSAI 'scandals', BN's unbelievable antics to pull wool over the eyes of the Rakyat, all the lies, all the promises, all the crushed hopes of the people - in micro perspective I feel that all this is resonating loudly in my life.

It often seems that we notice the things going wrong in our lives when the macro environment is vibrating the same in greater degree. Still August always makes me feel excited. Despite any challenge that I may be facing at that point in time.

I turned 37 this past 16th. Every year when my birthday comes around, I look back at the year that's past, review all the ups and downs and unfinished business and take stock of what I want in the year ahead. This year I knew what I wanted even without thinking too much about it. The slight derailment of that is alright - am used to finding some other means to get back on track and stay focused to the end goal.

There was no cake this year. But the hugs and kisses and home made gezillion cards from my babies made me smile thinking how blessed to have such lively vibrant intelligent babies. For all the wrongs in my life, I have been really lucky with Ashna and Kasha. Infuriating sometimes, but I know that with them here in my journey, as hard as it gets it will be alright. Something amazing in the purity of a child's love for mommy even when mommy isn't Mrs. Incredible (many times they've wished I had the stretching power of Mrs Incredible)

August means Magnificent and sometimes I think perhaps that is why the Lions reign in this month *kih kih kih* there is an amazing magnificence in this animal. Like Aslan in Narnia ... you know what I mean? August is also the end of summer in the northern hemisphere, we're closing off the year with just 4 months to go... The advent of the new year hangs about with fresh promise, after a cold slow winter.

Even for someone like me who has never been in a 4 seasons clime, the idea of hues of browns, yellows and reds against crisp air makes my pulse race with unbridled hopes. I kick of the birthday looking ahead to making the next year a better one. And come next August, I will once again take stock of my life thus lived.

The confusions and inner wars that go on inside me, makes for anxiousness and sometimes stress but with the years, I am learning to better handle situations good or bad. I know from the last year I have grown and matured. I've come quite a distance. Have to say I am proud of myself for learning to keep head afloat troubled waters and inculcate optimism into my life.

Bursts and spurts of writing has shown me I am developing my own style in conveying a message through words strung in some form and manner. And I feel a growing confidence that God has given me the inherent talent of words and I must use it to reach out. What used to be a quiet hobby, has been noticed by some and with different degrees of reactions. Another positive is that I can take feedback better and not feel like giving up just because someone didn't like or approve of what I wrote. My words are an extension to my subconscious mind... perhaps it's all superfluous bullshit *kih kih kih* like one afflicted with 'malapropism'

I do know, I am learning to find the peace I seek from within myself and that external factors play a role in preserving that peace but not as much as my own state of mind and being. I looked at myself this morning in the mirror before I drove off to court, and I thought to myself .ani you've come a long way girl. And there's a long way yet to go - stay true to yourself, to God and keep a clear conscience in every deed or action and it's all going to be alright .... sometime, someday ... soon ... I believe it and so it shall be.

38 here I come ... and there's the next decade and man it's going to be good and better with each new year ... I wish you and Malaysia abundant blessings, peace and prosperity ... in such insane times, I think we could all do with a little cheer (esp the smokers and the drinkers who are so going to get whacked with the new 'sin tax' the Budget is likely to reveal ...

Ciao ciao for now ... and even if some people find it hard to believe, I wish only good things for everyone ...


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