Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

4 February 2008

The Fallibility of Trust, Feb 04, 2008

Trust is a very complex thing. Some people in their entire lifetime never learn to trust another living soul nor intentions of others. Then there are those like me, who seem to work on the premise that give a person your trust and let them prove themselves.

Need I say that this approach to life is wrought with heartache? I should know - I keep getting burnt ever so often from trusting strangers. The logic with which I tend to work on is that, everyone has some good in them, and so we should not judge them to be evil or bad intentioned until they prove to be so.

Love they say is infallible but trust??? Fallible most certainly. It's existence in any given social context is fragile. People who trust others work on the principle that everyone is agendaless like themselves. No hidden meanings from interactions or exchanges ad verbatim ... but alas! The truth is, when you trust blindly, you will be led into trouble just as blindly.

Why this sudden train of thought? Well, have just recently had a small bout of being kicked in my teeth by certain individuals. And that brought me to the point where I said enough stop! ... Like I think I have previously mentioned, I often am filled with pangs of guilt for having to step away from something totally awry because I feel I have not given it my best.

But indeed, it's soul freeing, emancipating to be able to realise that I can step away and not feel those pangs of guilt at not being able to make things better. There is saying it takes two to tango and two hands to clap. I have found myself often to be the one party either trying to clap or tango - and that eventually leads to not such a pretty sight ... failure is inevitable.

So now what does .ani tell herself when those familiar alarm bells ring inside my heart - if it's faltering and I've tried everything in the book I know, then I just tell myself enough stop and step aside.

There is absolutely no sense in beating myself up over what others might construe to be me or not me. It's their mind games, their sense of reality, their self designed Utopia. I cannot do anything to change that perception they have of me - and honestly like Clark Gable said, "I don't give a damn!"

Life is complicated enough without trying to be saviour or martyr to the broken hearted or wronged all the time. I mean not everyone is diabolically good or evil ... I believe there are shades of grey but some are more black and some are more white - it's what makes the world go round. If people's perception of me is that I am diabolically evil or saccharine sweet - that's their perceptions ... what motivates those thoughts are not within my control.

Am just chugging along with my own music to dance to ... I've come to a conclusion that I can either distrust every single person or I can continue to trust people but with each person, there's an exclusion clause that I attach knowing that potentially this person could likely turn around and spit venom at me at any given time. That way when it happens, I am neither upset nor shocked - it was expected.

Some might say that's not the way to go through life, but then again is there a problem free sure fire formula to living life? I am susceptible to the thought that one man's meat is another man's poison ... so there is no one perfect fit for mankind. We just chug along learning to adapt to what works for us as a person.

So yeah, trust is fallible, given or received ... I probably have misused the trust others have given me too ... and am not surprised either. I am human for God's sake, I haven't attained my God status just yet ... not likely too at the rate I am going. There are some really interesting facets to this but I am too prescription drugged to coherently express myself on this - shall at some juncture revisit.

The point I was trying to make, all good intentions aside, trust is fragile. Once that has been shattered, nothing can mend those cracks or make it whole again. I've had this thing called trust smashed so often, I think I've come to regard that nobody holds it with sanctity it deserves and have been also guilty of smashing that given to me ... albeit unconsciously ... I am making no excuses, but sometimes what I find funny is not a shared sentiment by others... and thus trouble when I least expect it.

Anyhows, whilst moaning in silent stuffed up agony and high fever, I had some disjointed thoughts on this matter and in a nutshell, one of the most fallible of human expectations is trust.

Do you agree?

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