Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

31 December 2007

Saying Another Goodbye and Hello ... Dec 31, 2007

It's 12:35 31st December 2007 as I write this.

Am looking back at the year that has passed and all the nutty things that have transpired. And I cannot believe to a degree that this has been my life.

The first half seemed pretty run of the mill and I was chugging along in my typical unassuming way ... I have given up pretty much with life and the art of living, since mundaneness is the norm. At the start of January this year, I pretty much told myself to kinda stop looking for things that obviously have not got my name on the list just yet.

I figured, since there are so many unfinished businesses still weighing me down, it was no use trying to embark on other possibilities that hinge on hope. In January I reconnected with Gie after a 20year lapse. And that's been an interesting renewal of friendship ties. Even though it is obvious for now that there is nothing more that 2 people who keep in touch - it's wonderful to realise friendships can be salvaged even with such long silences ...

In March, I had to be honest to Woody, that I didn't think we could be all he wanted us to be,... mainly because my heart is still hurting, healing and trying to understand what it is I want for me and my life ahead. I'd have to say Woody did not take it too well at first, but it seems that since the end of my presence in his life, he's had quite a bit of luck and is now apparently residing in Dubai living the life on expat salaries :)) - YAY good for him! I dunno if my ending our budding relationship was better for him or not - but maybe the paranoia of all the past 2 disasters has made it impossible for me to ever feel that I could be loved by a man who would be one to stay till all my hair is grey and more wrinkles crease my face when I smile ... I have to give it to Jacob and Jaan ... both taught me that loving so deeply and so much, truly hurts when that love is then whimsically destroyed. I will leave it at that ... I am afraid to love anyone anymore is the bottomline.

Life kept moving along ... slow and uneventfully. At times I felt I was suspended in some sort cocoon in a limbo of an existence that made no significant contribution ...

Came July, and so much drama ... the kind one reads about and thinks this will never happen to me - well WRONG!! it did happen to me and so there I was quite suddenly woken from my comatose existence and needing to think on my feet.

Since the kick off the 2nd half of 2007, I have been learning interesting aspects about me. I have on a number of occasions been surprised how I have handled or managed to make it through to another sunrise and sunset with sanity intact.

I made a new friend at work in the form of a Chinese guy colleague and he's been a real sweetheart in encouraging me to keep fighting forward. I guess God sends his angels in the strangest of forms ... and so one of mine is now Darren ... he's likely to kill me for mentioning him, but he's made me also acknowledge that not all Teluk Intan males are jerks - Jacob was a small minority of misfits! *grin*

I turned 36 this year... old friends mostly did not remember, new friends enthusiastically wished me and made me feel special. Have had more than a handful of men hit on me ... and been called hot and sexy more times than I care to remember - mainly because I think they are idiots or blind ... am neither hot nor sexy but it does make me smile at times ... at 36 to have men say they find me attractive is something new ...

Although again, men and their 'salutations' are just words to me ... sometimes I accept them graciously, other times I shoot the bastard in the balls *ehehhehe* - it's a case of been there done that and having heard it all before ... promises are easy to make but difficult to keep ... maybe being 36 just makes me less gullible ??? I dunno ...

I'd like to think that I have come a little further in this great journey of life and that I have learnt my lessons better and am more prepared to face the new year - but I would be idealistic if I said I was ... this is .ani, always learning and learning from mistakes made ...

I have grown used to my singleness although intense loneliness hits me whacking the air outta me when I least expect and then I feel that empty bottomless void ... wanting someone in my life that I can call my own ... and NO I remember I have 2 daughters ... but the truth is they will grow up and live their own lives ... I am just their guardian on earth for the plans God has for them. I watch couples and their expressions of love and togetherness, and the poignancy and the heavy lead like weight in my chest is unbearable ... but this too I have learnt to cope with.

It seems that my journey thus far and more so in 2007 has been about patience and pushing the limits of my threshold for pain and silent suffering. The energy creative, negative or hopeful has only been witnessed in my bursts of verbal diarrhea and the posts to my Incoherent Ramblings of Ashka blogs ... people have commented that I have the skill of stringing words together and creating images in their minds as their eyes read the words ... some have asked me to throw together my writings and send it off to publishers ... but somehow I am afraid ... again of failure ... this is something I have decided is the focus point of 2008.

At the end of 2008 if I am still at this point, then I think I am a sorry excuse for the space I take up on this earth no matter how good my heart and intentions might be. I need to break out of the mold I am in currently and strike out to achieve my dreams. Life is not waiting for me, so I better get a move on on making a positive difference to my tomorrows.

My girls are growing up fast and I need to put my plans and thoughts into hyper drive now ... time waits for no one ... especially me ...

Am not sure what is ahead, but I do know that I am going to be doing my darnest to make it a year with a difference and change kicks in making things rosy, bright and full of promise.

Goodbye 2007, and hello 2008 ... another year to make memories with all those I love and who love me ... and who knows maybe Kevin Kumar will finally figure out this GPS gizmo and arrive on my doorstep to take my breath away (I admit it, I am a God damned romantic ... so bite me!) if he doesn't, am not surprised - he's a guy after all haahhahaha what do I expect! ... I'd have to turn up and tell him I'm here now what *ahahahahha*

Thank you God for giving me the ability to laugh at my misadventures - it's what's kept me going all these years and will continue to do so in the coming ones too ...

Be good y'all and see you in the new year ... for more IROA ... yes??? YES!!!!

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