Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

4 December 2007

Clear Blue Skies and Gusty Wind Dec 4, 2007

Today is an unusually bright day with clear blue skies and white fluffy clouds at intervals all gaily lumped together, seemingly taunting to those desk bound mortals who gaze out of energy sapping office cubicles. Whimsical ideas of laying immobile in the sun listening to the crashing of waves and the smell of the sea play on my mind... to be honest, I'd rather be outside than tied to my desk.

There's a strange kinda wind blowing, as it does every year end, that also kinda puts a chilly crispy feeling in the air, I suppose akin to the winterly like ambiance that is slowly but surely blanketing the northern hemisphere ... and Christmas is around the corner. This wind is drying, warm and yet seems to send chills to the bones, another year draws to its end.

Typically such a flamboyant display of happy weather is merely preceding what will be an orchestra of thunder and paralyzing display of lightening in the evening sky ... usually this sets in round about 1600hours and then the pelting rain in a downpour so heavy seeing 2 inches our of my windscreen would be a feat worth immortalising with the most poetic of words ... and hence prepared, I have my umbrella to keep bits of me dry as I struggle with laptop and handbag to my car where usually I end up sitting inside watching the display of rain, sound and light before embarking on my long drive home.

Imagery rich lines are thought of but never written, another reminder to keep camera close at hand is made to capture nature's display of its sovereignty over mankind, perhaps even a memory or two is remembered and then there's that smell of after the rains, so heady in its proclamation that this is a washed, cleansed and purified new beginning.

Oh where do I begin with another set of random thoughts as they assail my mind in their usual incoherent jumble. *sigh* Why am I here? Instead of outside savouring the moments??? I ask myself yet again. I have not answers.

Reading the post previous to this, I think of that man again, and I find myself wondering how he is. Naturally I find myself irritated, because really I should not care how he is ... he is nothing to me - or is he? I wonder at this preoccupation. Is it that I see in him what I myself long for? A sense of non-belonging to anyone, anyplace??? The ability to be totally wrapped in my absorption of myself that I have no time to think about anyone else let alone anything else outside the sphere of me myself and I??

Is is t curse to be born a woman I wonder and the corners of my mouth twitch ever so slightly in a mock to myself ... damn it ani, wake up you are born a woman, and shall die a woman! There is no or rather insufficient 'maleness' about you to be anything but a woman.

Had I been capable of being ANYTHING but a woman, perhaps I would have been a man, and successful at it too - ahahhahahah! God I crack myself up sometimes ... what in tarnations am I getting at here? Honestly I haven't a clue and hence tis but another lyrical journey of my lexical resourcefulness that sometimes leave so called English speakers wide agape in stunned silence ... I am amazing, I speak such excellent English - GOD! yet again I need to laugh.

What is the use of such power over words, when it does not earn me any bread and butter, does not increase the balances of my usually empty bank accounts turning from red into positive black entries??? Why am I not able to use this obviously God given talent of weaving words into images in the minds of those who read my ramblings into something more financially rewarding??? I am stumped!

Why is it the confidence that I am able to display in my writings is somehow harder to display in person during person to person interactions? Where does that odd clarity of thought disappear to, that sometimes or is it more oft than not, a bumbling dodo is put on display instead of a majestic lioness with all her cards in hand, with trump as well waiting for the chance to dazzle?

Good Grief! The wind that was blowing so strongly outside seems to have died down, and the blueness of the skies seem less vibrant now ... is that a rain cloud in the distance I see? Why is this almost like a reflection of the life I have thus far experienced? Seemingly brief moments of sunshine and happy days, overshadowed mostly by torrential rains that erase the memory of those short lived sunshine days ... *sigh* I think I smell rain in the hot breeze, ... nothing new really but it seems the rehash of this performance is almost like an encore worn thin of applause and appreciation.

Give me something new! More adventure??? More opportunities where I have not found them to date. Let me find the muse to leverage on my talents and break out of this rut. I know I deserve much better than where I am now.

To be honest, I have grown tired of being the single mother who struggles to keep head above financial typhoons unable to give better to my girls or even alleviate my own circumstance into something positive, effluent and un-imbibed by self doubt which play against my every attempt at rising above my current disposition into something better.

Suddenly I am greedy, hungry to taste the easy life where money or rather its availability is the least of my concerns. Instead I am emancipated from this constant balancing of income to expenditure and always falling short ... I want to enjoy a bit of living without care or concern.

I suppose if I use the male model type ex-husband, I could! Severing all ties with those near and dear. Walking away never turning back I could possibly experience all this. I use the word possibly. The simple fact of the matter remains ... in the lucky draw of genders, I got female on mine and hence am unable to be so cold towards obvious ties that bind.

And I wonder, is that then my waterloo? Is that why I am seemingly stuck in the ever widening deepening quicksand that I find myself knee high in??? It seems with every struggle instead of moving forward, the damn sand sucks me in slowly further. Infuriating! Frustrating!!! Damning I say!

Wait before you think that I am labeling this man or his 'tribe' as emotionally dead monsters, please bear with me ... these are yet another Life of Pi type induced thinking. He is not a bad person - never said that. But using him, my ex hubby and some other (wo)men I have had the (ill)fortune of knowing, leaves me somewhat curious. How do people manage to be so cut and dry, so self preoccupied, so me me me that everything and everyone else ceases to be significant in any form?

Why am I incapable of it? Why am I allowing myself to be saddled with guilt that is not of my doing? Why am I scared that I will fail that it immobilises me until I am unable to make the changes I know I must? Where does all my courage disappear when I come to that crossroad that requires me to make a decision left or right, forward or reverse? Why is it I am constantly in a battle with myself for not grabbing chances that might mean I need to compromise my stand my values just to get an inch up into this big big world that has no time for those who hesitate.

I think I have no choice left but to immediately make drastic changes to my personality whilst holding on to my values, I must embark on another reengineering of ani in order to be better prepared and equipped to meet the demands on me to succeed.

Yes those are definitely rain clouds rolling across the skies now ... in small but determined pockets ... but the sun will shine again tomorrow, as will my star, as will I

1 comment:

OHHGod said...

Brilliantly written SWOT analysis!!!