Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

26 June 2012

Mid-2012 Rambling ... June 26, 2012

I have to be honest and say that my blogging momentum has obviously ebbed.  Not from the lack of having anything to say but more from the fact that rambling on about specifics in my life as it stands will likely bored the hell out of anyone.

I think also I'm kinda reached a saturation with how every time I write something that's bugged me and the rollercoaster ride it takes me on before I reach some plateau of self acceptance with the obvious or inevitable, my support team kicks in to reinforce my self worth and juicing me up to the next bump in the ride.

I mean sometimes I admit, I do see myself as a little bit of a superwoman - considering all the bloody juggling I've been doing these last 10years.  I've grown up somewhat.  Grown older most definitely.  Grown wiser not necessarily.  I go through these endless cycles of ups and downs I sometimes think I should change my name to Rollercoaster Ani hahaahha and if anyone dares find some sexual lewd innuendo in that - I beg your pardon! I was referring to the constant challenges that come my way, even when I distinctively remember putting all effort to avoid unpleasant situations.

One big thing I've come to acknowledge is that life is what we make of it.  And when my mind is cluttered and troubled, I tend to see myself as some tortured soul.  But don't get me wrong here. I am NOT asking for sympathy from anyone.  If anything it is at those times that I inadvertently make some incredible self discoveries about myself.

  1. I've learnt that I have an amazing level of patience when I least expect it, but when I should display some, my nerves get raw and edgy and **kaboom**.  
  2. I have grown a little worn around the edges and don't cut as sharply as I may have in the past.  But again when I should fake fawn over jidiots in my path, I am like a triple blade Gillette razor.  
  3. The capacity with which I tend to accept injustices served upon me is unfathomable.  And I explode when I reach the threshold (tahap membimbangkan) and then I'm not someone you want to irk some more. 
  4. But all in all I have learnt, as life keeps serving lemons and pickles, I've had to learn to take it all in stride and try to make something other than lemonade or zezz up meals.
And it is this taking it all in my stride which is really something that bugs me the most.  Because it almost seems cowardice of me to settle for less than what I am worth.  I want to be able to just walk up to the people who make unhappy and asked them not so politely "What the fuck is your problem really?" but the rational side of me says to the warrior me "Step back ani, step back.  Not worth it engaging into battle."

Bringing the girls over has changed my existence in Dubai tremendously.  I used to count cracks in the wall.  Now my days start at 5am and usually end around midnight.  And still I feel like I am not doing enough for the girls.  I feel I am not encouraging them enough in developing into better people.  I find myself exhausted coming home from my day job and changing into the roles of cook, maid and laundry queen.

After 2 years, apparently I was on a Consultancy contract - hmmmmm aren't Consultants paid heaps of moolah? Why is my bank balance still dark bleeding red then???????? I now was given the designation of Project Operations Manager (whoa isn't that 2 roles for the salary of 1) in the renewed contract.  I also seem to be the only employee with a 8:30am to 6:30pm official working hours - hmmmmmmm everyone else is a 9:00 t0 5:30.  I need the job - so shaddupurface ani

Reduced housing benefits - which effectively sees me having to put aside another 20k to top up my housing in ever costly Dubai on top of the school fees and external tuition fees which effectively means 46% of my per annum wages.  The balance 54% is spent on food, bills, and the occasional treat for the kids and even more rare on myself.  

If the telephony and utility bills are anything to go by ... that takes another 20% of per annum income.  Food and consumables is another 25-30% of that per annum sum leaving me anything between 4-9% of total per annum wages for the emergency, the incidental, the nice to have,  the wishlist and well balances from back home.  

Almost makes me want to slit my wrists and bleed the same colour of my bank balance every month.  But I keep telling myself you have a job, you are making ends meet, you are still better off than most.  That's my mantra.  

I'm no superwoman, just a very challenged woman trying to make the best of things and keep all those who depend on me, look up to me happy.  That's all I can really do at this point.

Am working on putting a Focus Feel Good Positiveness Board/Wall up in my room - so that the first thing I see each morning are words that give me strength and courage. Words that make me smile more, count my blessings and give thanks that God has seen it befitting I should be alive this one more day to try and make that difference only I can make by being true and honest to myself and all who are around me.

But if there's one glaring point I have to admit to myself is - at 41, and with all the stress, my body is telling "Slow down girl slow down."  Circumstance however says, "Move that fat-ass now momma or you gonna be flipping burgers to feed the family."

So writing which was my escape and vent point has had to come to a halt as I juggle everything else going on with my life and still try to smile my toothy gap grin.

Life is not bed of roses.  Never known it to be, but for all the hardwork blood sweat and tears I'm sure someday I'll get the privilege to sit back and watch the world go by knowing I paid my dues in full and more.  

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