Anyone who has ever met me usually remembers me as the noisy one. Always talking, sometimes strong opinions. Other times non-committal. But always clearly audible.
That may not have always been a positive thing. But honestly it was my way of covering up my own nervousness.
I can still talk both sense and nonsense with earnestness with most anybody. Even strangers find it easy to have a chat while waiting in queues or on flights.
But I find two terrifying circumstances when I should speak that I completely lose my art of communicating.
1. When in the work environment. And especially when I've had a few obvious indications my opinion means nothing. So even if I know it's worth sharing, I hold my silence. Does me favours obviously in my advancement. I get frustrated. I have all these powerful sentences stewing in my mind but never verbalised.
2. When its my immediate family. My sister calls it the ani syndrome. When something upsets me I choose to crawl into a well of silence or immediately change topics and avoid addressing the matter. Once again detrimental to my own sanity.
If I can wax lyrical and be so eloquent in other circles, why am I challenged with these particular scenarios.
Come to the conclusion that I am afraid of saying my mind (in being typically cautious ani) and burning bridges all around. Family is important and well pay cheques keep bills at bay and food in the belly.
Casual interactions, forums, workshops are all meant to explore and define oneself. Work and family on the other hand perceptions are precariously pivotal. And yet I realise these are the two areas one should be truest to oneself. Otherwise the perceptions become skewed.
Whilst one would assume by now I'd be a communications specialist given my verbosity in general, I'm, to be honest, still learning the minefield.
Now there's creating communications effective, honest, open and evolving with my BratAngels. We've all been through some tough times. It's now to forge those ties that bind mother and children. That is the legacy they won't forget that they always could talk to me. We're teething now. Tweaking and working towards communicating without prejudice. Wish us well in our journey in the beautiful art of communication.
Happy trails till we meet again