Procrastination is simply putting off or delaying action on matters that require immediate action/response.
Ask me, I have many instances in my life that I've procrastinated on only to in the weeks that pass wonder why why why didn't I do what I should have at that time and then fall into my life hates me mode and ask the eternal unanswerable question why me.
So having spent 3 decades or rather my 30s in a constant state of flux and then I delay actioning the long list of to dos and then find every imaginable excuse to justify that act, I sometimes look at myself in utter contempt and disgust.
It now comes to me had I been more risk taking and more action than contemplation, I might have charted a much different path for myself from aeons ago. Instead I have had to swallow the bitter pill of admitting that I was the cause of the life I ended up with. To some degree external parties and forces played their part. But the crux of it all is that had I been more in control I'd have chosen to captain my ship better now find myself aground in shallow waters waiting waiting waiting for a tide to come in and raise me afloat again.
And with time, I seem to find this side of me extremely despicable. I still suffer bouts of procrastination from simple things. Even updating my resume and circulating it now that I'm here in the Middle East is an excruciating exercise. I find myself reactive to perhaps an inquiry rather than purposefully constantly updating it with my changing scope of work.
Thus it somewhat amuses me that when I see someone else procrastinating on something that if they actioned immediately would be so much more rewarding to their state of being, they choose to keep pushing it to tomorrow. When tomorrow becomes today it get pushed to the next tomorrow. Like damn it ... all the yesterdays are now the tomorrows you spoke about today.
40 has made me less patient even with myself so what more when I see someone with potential to be some place better finding every excuse ever tried out on why they are not actioning it. One day it's health, the next day it's exhaustion, the next it's change of plans etc. etc. etc.
The list goes on.
And that is why I as walked through the closets of time and revisited memories I had long tried to repress and forget I felt the only apt tribute to the my late uncle was the line "A life waiting to happen that ran out of tomorrows." Anyone knowing this uncle of mine would immediately understand this. In some ways perhaps his sudden death is a blessing of sorts to many. He chose to exist within his own tormented mind seeing everyone as an enemy to the "works/sacrifices" he did - these remain 95% of the time figments of his imagination.
This is not to say that he didn't sometimes come up shining - he did. But the overall person was a far cry from the image he saw himself in. He was a toxic being. He managed to invoke so much bile and anger and pain in so many people through the years.
He always blamed the world for his lack of success - the fact that he had talents grossly under utilised or misused seems to have missed him completely. He was quick to find fault if suggestions were made to him, quick to take offence and quick to retaliate in inane ways. Hence much of his life was spent waiting for what he felt was rightfully his but never making any attempts for himself to go out there and take the proverbial bull by the horns.
The 10th of October 2011 his tomorrows ran out 2months and 4 days shy of his 58th birthday. He died from a massive cardiac arrest. His funeral arrangements were swiftly carried out back home. For someone who by choice chose to ruin family ties, it was his immediate family that came together to lay him to rest. We can only hope that in death, he finds his waiting life and the peace of mind.
This turn of events set me thinking about life. The fragility of life is unquestionable. And yet we find ourselves sometimes unable to accept our chosen lives. Face up to the consequences of choices we make. Procrastinate or jump to action. The quiet voice of reason and subconscience speaks to us even when we try to block them out.
It made me also realise that from those past lack of action on my part, my life took a shape and a course. Mostly to my dismay it led me to throught treacherous waters. The turbulence has yet to settle. However the fact that I am aware and conscious that I want my life start now and happen now and not wait for things and others to initiate it is a big step forward.
My evolution is that I am very aware I want to live my life now on my terms, not keep waiting for something to happen. Everything that is to happen is within my own hands to guide. Like a good captain, I have to take control of my ship. Leaving it in the hands of others merely sets me up for more troubled waters.
So while I relearn my ship sailing skills, I wish you happy trails ....
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