The tragedy of being me is I think too much.
All the time my mind is thinking thinking thinking till I want to explode from all the thoughts like driving down some of these 5 laned highways here in Dubai I have concurrent lines of different thoughts. All evaluating, all contemplating all trying to understand the greater meaning of my existence on this earth.
The other tragedy of being me is I am too bloody straight for my own good.
I cannot lie to save my ass nor can I lie if asked something directly. Instinctively I speak only the truth of my thoughts. On hindsight later, I'd end up kicking myself black and blue thinking why did I say that and go screw up a possibility of endearing myself to someone in a position to help me. Instead I call a spade a spade and an asshole an asshole .... there's just no two ways about that.
Someone one told me I am too good a person too pure. The tragedy in that is I am often viewed as gullible and taken for a fool. And the irony in this is, I actually let the other person take advantage of me knowingly in some circumstances.
The worst of all these tragedies is to see what the end of something is before it actually happens. Some people call it foresight, some people call it vision, some people might even call me a witch but the tragedy in this is the choice. I can either listen to that little voice inside my head and turn around and walk right away or I can hear it and still take a leap of faith. In extremely rare circumstances has my little voice been wrong. And usually my leap of faith ends up with me splat on on asphalt completely pissed off with myself.
And in all of this I think and I think and I think. Sometimes I almost hear the cogwheels inside my head roll in all the different lanes of thoughts that are crossing each other turning left right maybe a U-turn or two ... some collisions take place and momentarily I am silenced, in a daze trying to reconcile what just went on inside my head.
And over the years, I seem to have two characteristic which almost makes me as bad as an old lady talking to her cat ... senile in some instances. I am either bubbly and effervescent or completely silent and irreproachable. And people who do not understand my circumstance in life cannot fathom why I am like this. I have stopped trying to tell people that I am only human I have my low periods too and I need my space.
These days when I find people trying so hard to suck the very life of me, Happy's words comes to mind "you give too much of yourself, till you have no value" ... nothing less succinct and arrow to the heart than this.
I used to yearn for some solitude in my life to get my own self in order instead of being pulled in so many directions at the same time. And the only time I might find solitude was the few hours of sleep at night.
Now I find myself trying to find as much work to keep myself occupied because the solitude is deafening heavy and un-amusing. I even shock myself at how long I can sit at my dining table starring out of at the sky above and sometimes feel completely blank inside my head and my heart - and I have to check to see if I am still breathing or have I died in this position.
Why I am still searching for what fulfills me? I have 2 beautiful children - that should be sufficient right? Only I am striken with guilt that I am earning barely enough to give them all I had hoped too during my pregnancies ... all those dreams of a little cozy home, occasional trips abroad, fun family time, education, activities ... the list is endless. When I fight this guilt saying I am doing my best and my girls are troopers, this world is a hard place and we've got to be stronger than average to rise above it, I am challenged by the money others have and the lifestyles they accord their children, and I know sometimes I fall awfully short even in my children's eyes. Nothing worse I think then for a mother to feel she is failing her children.
Which is why I have made some decisions of late. Things have to change. All the shit ass luck has to stop here right now with me. All that is written in my stars and the sins of forefathers and curses of generations must end now. Even if I have to give my life so this is where it all stops and the girls are given fresh lease of life, clean slates no past histories that cloud their futures, I will give my life willingly.
As a mother, the successes of my children is more important to me than my own needs. Speak to most mothers they will concur. To what lengths and ends of the earth we will go to save our children only a mother knows. No doubts there are women who will go to great lengths to make another suffer through life for their own gains, but life is a wheel and what goes around comes around.
Whilst I watch the sun begin its journey into the night, I am reminded of the phoenix yet again. Burnt in its own fires it emerges magnificent on the morrow's dawn. That dawn is still arriving for me I believe, but when it arrives I shall be magnificent, brilliant hues of the sun streaking across the skies because then my time has come and all my tribulations shall bear fruit of justice served on a silver platter.
I end this rambling with this line which explains my whole approach to life then now and forever: "I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. -Aristotle "
No comments:
Post a Comment