Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

20 January 2011

Is It ONLY January?? ... Jan 20, 2011

I keep thinking I'm like deep into the muggy year and am starkly reminded hell it's just January. Some 4 days back I was thinking OMG in exactly 7months I turn the BIG 40!! ... had me literally break into a panic thinking WTF I ain't even halfway where I remember imagining myself being some innocent 25yrs ago.

By the time I hit 30, I'd felt like I'd run hundreds of marathon's nonstop and was hitting the wall. But the race was far from over. If anything it seemed now I also had signed up for the Iron Lady challenge. There was never a point in time that I got to take a deep breath and kick my shoes off and wiggle my toes.

I remember being very buoyant about the coming of 2011 but it seems that despite the astrological promise of a pretty decent year ahead for little piggy me, things are just revving up into complete disappointments so I gotta haul ass again and find the illusive ingredient that sets all chains unbound and lets me fly free like my soul longs to.

The more and more I think about it, I am really sick of working for people. This salary slavery has taken its toll on me long before this job. Where being the idiot I am, I try so hard to introduce things to help others, as they will all bitch about their current horrors but no one has the balls to improve anything. And throwing myself into trying to help, I suddenly realise I am wagging a war no one believes in - sorta like how the damn Yanks do it you know?? Am sure you get what I mean.

And once little piggy me realises it's a worthless effort, I do tend to get a little disillusioned. Because I have not a political bone in me. I dunno how to be sly and sneaky. I dunno how to use people for my own glory. I just want to do my job and do it well and if at the very least knowing my efforts bore fruit. I hate being singled out for any form of spotlight - I find it always creates unnecessary enemies who have imaginary reasons for hating you.

I cannot help it if I command a presence even in my downplayed soccer mom look. I do have intelligence which stands out even when you try to hide it. I have empathy towards people which makes me want to help even when the saner side of me side says fuck it ... it's going to be a case of some daggers in your back for trying.

Perhaps all these negative vibes and energy has been manifesting itself into tampered sleep wrought with vivid and visually disturbing dreams. Been a few where I actually see myself die. By formula if I dream of someone more than 3x, it usually means the next news I hear of them is they are on their final journey. I've now dreamt of myself dying 2x and in both instances it has been extremely horrifying deaths.

In both instances my soul sits amongst the 'mourners' and try to tell them I didn't mean to die and to please please take care of my girls. Yet I see a dramatised grief but caustic gossips and whispers from people I'd never expect it from as they remain oblivious of my presence.

I am wondering why I am having such dreams. Am wondering also is it because I am hitting the next decade of my life. Does it mean even more dramatic changes before my life comes to a new plateau where things finally fall into place and I might finally get to taste a peaceful stroll along easy street?

Perhaps before the Rabbit kicks in the Tiger is taking it's last few chomps on my juicy rear end. Reminding me that my life is not one strewn with rose petals but one of all things thorns and trying.

Perhaps the Tiger is egging the Piggy into pulling on every ounce of strength and faith to once again overcome and find a quiet spot in the sun to revel with my Bunny buddy.

All I know is that as I get older, it takes me longer to bounce back from setbacks especially when it's work and financial related because time is running out for me. I have so many responsibilities to ensure I have well arranged and taken care of.

But with a little faith and prayers am sure I'll get there eventually.

Just going to hang in here for a bit .... it is afterall just ONLY January ...

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