Why I Write ...

Purely as a form of expression to the emotions that run riot in my life at different junctures. This blog has seen several title revisions that also reflect the state of being and evolution I am constantly in. If one were to remain stagnant in hope of never changing their temporal present, one will awaken someday to much regret. Life is about living, evolving and adapting to the constant changes all around us.

My spot on the web is essentially a journey along with my monologue ramblings of my coherent mind accompanied by the incoherent thing called life. Read me if you like ... if you don't it is not the end of the world. I am at the very least a believer in humility lifts us further than pride.

Happy trails

11 April 2009

Easter 2009 ... Apr 12, 2009


To me this year Easter or for that matter any celebration has new and special meaning for me.

When the year kicked off, I was so heavy with burden of worry and fear about how I might survive this trying times. A job I wasn't sure if I had anymore. Although I knew the intention of the senior management after their rather hasty 'termination' of me in November '08.

Then their silence as to my position in the company, and yet the upsetting things that they did in hope that I'd just give up and tender my resignation - perhaps clearing their conscience of their unfinished deed. (I wonder if Lady Macbeth comes to their minds at any juncture .... oh wait they've have to know who Lady Macbeth was first to even know the soliloquy)

Anyhow that aside, January was something I looked at with trepidation because job security uncertainties made things even harder for me to see light at the end of my tunnel. I've been chin and smiling in the face of adversity so long, that I have to admit, it was tiring me out. All the health issues over the last quarter of 2008 made it even more priority that I replanned and restrategised my life as I moved into 2009.

January brought good news on an issue that was plaguing me for some time. And that was a signal to me that things even though rocky and in choppy waters would see some closures and beginnings for me this year. I felt I needed to baptise 2009 as the Year of .ani ... this was the year I put closures on things that have plagued me since the turn of this century. And the Year of .ani meant .ani had to begin living, begin actually immersing myself in being whole even in the state of "unwholeness".

March 13th - yet another milestone in the Year of .ani ... it was the day something I'd waited for patiently was finally granted. I cannot say that it went my way, but I think on the matter of principle, it was a challenge well borne by myself. I have learnt so much more about who I am in these years out in the wilderness. I found strength and courage inside me when I least expected to find it. I have risen about so many trials, remained calm on surface while paddling like crazy underneath.

I entered a new era of me. I still am wraught with worries and fears but I am willing to take chances now more than I was before. It is a journey, it is a discovery ... it is meant to be the start of the Year of .ani which could end up like some perpetual calendar of my life ... Yo.A1, Yo.A2 ... you know what I mean.

Somehow each small milestone, each tiny achievement will continue to spur me forward. Even if some dreams never become realities. Even if Mr. Right the Imagined is all I ever grow old with doesn't mean I might not consider Mr. Not So Right along this journey - one never knows till one takes a chance.

Just like some friends who said at the end of all my waiting, the reality is I got the better deal. I am free to live my life as I choose it. No questions for me to answer, but some others well they made choices, I get to taste different flavours at the Baskin Robbins counters, they might be stuck with just Vanilla for life ... ehheehehhe how can I possibly have gotten the bad end of the deal ... I am so bloody philosophical it does crack me up especially when I say it out loud, my analogies for life are pretty comical.

Lent this year began, and midpoint I got reflective. Easter this year feels symbolic to me more than ever. Like a new chance at life, a rebirth, a resurrection of spirit I know that even in my darkest hour, God has not forsaken me. I take a lot of angry confused frustrated sabbaticals from God, but He remains always near to hold me steady.

His minion of of everday angels in the you I have met through the years. In the you who has come into my life in my high and low points. In the you who has taken time to hear me out, give me a hug, love me inspite of me. In the you the man in the street, complete stranger I have seen God and I have seen his nemesis. And I know in my heart who resides.

I am given at times to thoughts so evil and treacherous. Especially towards people who have hurt me in my past and who hurt me in my present. The same people who seem to revel in seeing me pushed into a corner with no way out. At those times, Satan is full fledged in my heart. I think of all the evil and pain I might inflict on these person(s) so that they know exactly how I have felt. But my anger cools as fast as it flares.

And I always hear in my heart, leave it be .ani, in time they too will bear the rewards sowed of their evil deeds, you need not join them. Like a gentle zephyr, I feel God's hand lightly on mine reminding me that He will judge them according to His laws. And I am reminded of the gift of forgiveness in the words uttered even as men tormented Him ... 'Father forgive them for they no not what they do" ...

It is then I tell myself, each day .ani is a new day. A new chance to make right what wrongs might be in my past. The Trinity to which I profess my faith in is in my heart. And I am renewed in spirit to face each new trial knowing that I cannot go wrong if my heart is with God. A few bumps and bruises, scuffed knees, glued back heart ... I'm good to go ...

This is Year of .ani and it will work out for the better, it might be a little slow going, but it will get better, because I know when I love, when I give, when I call you friend, brother,sister or family, I do it with no obligations, no conditions and no expectations ... remember always Do unto others, as you would others unto you. A little kindness goes a long way ... time is no limitation to when kindness given maybe kindness returned.

My girls and I send you all our love and best wishes for a Blessed Easter. May the Love of God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost be with you all always my brethen ... Go ye in peace, love and rejoicing.

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